igaruef

I am 25 years old and 6 months pregnant. My fiance (or ex fiance... i dont know) is an alcoholic. He had an accident in June last year due to drinking and he never picked up a drink since, until last month. Last June, I told him that if he was dumb enough to drink after his accident (which by the way was him simply falling walking up a hill and ended in a fracture skull and hematoma), then he was too dumb do be in a relationship. So in January, when he drank, I told him I would give him one more chance, for the sake of our baby, but if he drank again, then that was him stating he no longer wanted to be with me.

Now he is not abusive in anyway, never has been. Not emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually. He never puts me down and has supported me the entire time of us being together (We started dating Jan 10, 2012).

Well, he came home today. I have no idea how much he drank. I dont know how much he drank last month. I didnt ask. I dont want to know. But both times he drank at his parents. This time, he was only there for 15 minutes and then left. He could have killed himself. He has never been a heavy drinker (3 beers alone would get him tipsy) and now that it has been so long since he drank, it seems like even a half a beer would get him tipsy.

I asked him why he broke up with me. Why he decided that alcohol was more important than our family. Just 2 days ago he was talking about how much he doesnt want our baby to grow up in a broken home, so he will never drink again. So what happened?

I took off my engagement ring, my valentines day ring he got me last year, and the necklace he gave me for getting pregnant. I am hurt. I feel like everything he said was a big fat lie. Though I know it wasnt, I can see the pain in his eyes from what he did today, but that same pain was there last month.

He says work stresses him out so much he cant help but drink. He needs an escape. This is the same thing he said last month. I offered opened ears. Promised when he gets home from work, I would immediately get off my computer, or stop whatever it is I am doing. I told him he can call me and bitch the entire way home (it is a 30 minute drive for him). But in the last month he has vented maybe 5 times. Today, he even called me on the way to his parents. Talked a little about work, he said he was really stressed so he stayed at work later to calm down so he wasnt so tempted, yet still, he drank.

How many chances do I give him? When we met, and again when we started dating, I told him I have no tolerance for alcohol. That if he wanted to marry me, or have a family with me, then he would have to stop. I have seen what alcoholics can do. I dont want to give him chance after chance only to have him turn out abusive. I do not want my baby, our baby, placed in a house hold like that. I dont want it to be a chance.

I know I can not "fix" him. I know I can not keep him from drinking no matter how many threats I make. I am afraid of making to many and him just rebelling. I know this has to be his choice. And I truely believe he wants to quit. He has promised to start AA, look for a new job, and vent to me everyday, but what happens if/when he drinks again? Do I just keep forgiving and letting it happen? If so, how does he learn and believe that I am serious about him needing to change? I am so lost.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, igaruef. I hope you find what you are looking for that brought you to our self-test. If you have a problem with someone's drinking, this is a great place to be, as are the rooms of Al-Anon. You can find meetings here: http://www.al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

So you are serious about him needing to change? What if he doesn't? Can you accept that right now, you have a boyfriend and father of the baby-to-be that has a problem with alcohol? If you can accept this, for right now, then I'd suggest simply stop talking about it and let him figure this out on his own. Obviously he already knows what is on the line, what he stands to lose. Stand back and give him the dignity of allowing him to make his own decisions.

If you can't accept this, for right now, then maybe time to make changes in your life so you are in a good place to be a single mother to this baby, while balancing custody and visitation issues with him.

Either way, the key is accepting what you can change (you) and letting go of what you can't (him).

Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T

igaruef

If I knew he could and would do it. To know that he wont become an abuser of any sort. To know that me and our baby will not be in danger when around him, and that he wont put himself in danger while he learns to control everything (meaning, no driving after drinking, or walking around outside, etc).
I dont know how to trust that.

jazzfish

I am confused. Does he admit he is an alcoholic, even though he was never a heavy drinker? Does he really want to quit or is he just saying that to please you or keep the family together. I am only saying this as I do not see a lot of his history here. Simply having an accident while drinking does not make one an alcoholic, so what happened to lead to that conclusion?

Tuffgirl

Well, there is no way to predict the future. Unfortunately, you are taking a chance on him like we all take chances on others. It's scary, regardless of whether or not there are addictions involved.

None of us can tell you what to do on this one, but we will all say that right now, you don't have to do anything. Doing nothing is also doing something, ya know? It's having patience, waiting for more to be revealed, before deciding something that has major ramifications to not just you now, but to this child on the way. Sometimes our best offense is time.

But accepting him for who he is right now is key, so you can plan according to that. Don't let hope cloud your good judgment.

igaruef

Yes, he admits hes an alcoholic. He does go a day without dying for a drink. Even when he wasnt a heavy drinker, he didnt go a day without dreaming about drinking. And I do believe he truely wants to stop. If he didnt, he wouldnt have gone 6.5 months without a drink.

igaruef

"Dont let hope cloud your good judgement" - I know you cant give me "the right answer" and solve everything for me. Overall he is an amaizing guy. And I guess if I hadnt dealt with being abandoned as a little kid from alcoholics and verbally abused by them, I wouldnt be so afraid of what could happen. I know I was lucky to not have been physically or sexually abused. But I know that can happen as well.

My immediate belief, thought, feeling, is "alcoholics will hurt me and my child" so being with one is dumb on my part. But I am terrified of giving up on him and ruining something that could be perfect. Everyone tells me to give him chances. Alcoholics cant change over night. Be patient with him. And I want to give him chances. I want to believe in him. I want to believe he will be different. but are there really alcoholics out there that arent abusive? That dont become abusive over time?

LexieCat

No, not all alcoholics are abusive. They are, however, some combination of undependable, unreliable, selfish, self-centered, irresponsible, deceitful, etc. You get the idea. And because alcoholism is progressive, the way he is now is not how he is likely to be in years to come. Right now, in fact, is probably the best he will EVER be, unless he recovers.

Alcoholics will tend to tell you what they think you need/want to hear. They may even mean it at the moment they utter it, but when it comes to drinking they are unable to follow through with most of their promises.

I'm not trashing alcoholics--I'm one, myself. I know how I was, and I know how others are. I wouldn't marry an alcoholic unless and until they had at least a solid year of recovery and were actively involved, on an ongoing basis, in a recovery program such as AA.

igaruef

On going AA? Like forever? What other type of recovery programs are there for alcoholics?

LexieCat

AA is the only one *I* would put faith in. I know other people who have become sober on their own or in different programs, but I happen to believe AA promises the best prospect for long-term sobriety.

What concerns you about AA forever? It isn't some kind of a sentence, it is a healthy way of life.

igaruef

It doesnt really concern me.... however i see it concerning him. He feels weak going to AA, and the thought of going forever i could see it making him feel even weaker. I have talked to him about how going to AA is actually a sign of strength. Do they help with that as well? Believing that they are actually strong going to AA and seeking help?

Recovering2

So last June you tell him he's too dumb to be in a relationship. Then he drinks in January. You give him one last chance. Then he drinks again. He is getting the message that your boundaries don't have to be respected...as you don't respect them yourself. You have to mean what you say, and stick to it when you've set a boundary.

This is a progressive disease. It gets worse over time, as demonstrated by him getting drunk with less alcohol. He has to want to seek recovery, not talk about it, but actually do it. Otherwise, things get worse. He will blame work, stress, you, the baby, the car, the weather...anything he can as an excuse for drinking. Until he takes responsibility and stops blaming he will continue down this path. He has to learn new ways to cope with life's stresses besides the bottle.

You have yourself and a child to think of. Go to AlAnon, read the sticky posts at the top of this page, read "Codependent No More" and "Courage to Change". Take care of you.

LexieCat

Here is a link I often share over on the Alcoholics' forum, which does a pretty good job of explaining what AA is about, what goes on at meetings: What To Expect At Your First AA Meeting. It also does a pretty good job of explaining why alcoholics are generally scared to death of AA and avoid it at all costs. I wouldn't shove this information down his throat, but it might give you a little insight into how he probably looks at it.

I avoided AA, myself, as long as I could, until I was miserable enough that all other options were off the table. That seems to be true of most people I know. Relatively few people run off to AA to get well at the first sign of possible/probable alcoholism.

It could be months, years, decades before he is ready to throw in the towel with his drinking. Everyone is different. So the best thing for YOU to do is to focus on yourself and your child and work on making a good future for yourselves.

dollydo

Since you are a child of an alcoholic you do understand how your childhood affected your adulthood. 50% of us either become "A's" ourselves or marry them. Here are a couple of books that have helped me sort through the mess....commonly known as my childhood:

"Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery"
Kritsberg, Wayne;

"Children of Alcoholism: A Survivor's Manual"
Judith S. Seixas

"Adult Children of Alcoholics"
Woititz, Janet G

All I can say about active users and parenting...they make for lousy parents...their priorities are not assigned in the proper order, it's always alcohol first.

How you live your life is up to you, just keep in mind that you are your childs future, their voice...children hear and see everything, they are like a sponge, and they internalize their fears, they wil become adult products of their childhood enviornment.

Sending support your way.

LifeRecovery

Welcome igaruef

What you wrote in this paragraph really spoke to me.

I had enough of my own recovery under me when I met and married my loved one that I never felt responsible for his drinking....but I sure did feel responsible for his recovery (or lack there of). I knew I could not fix him or make it better, but I still pulled out all the stops figuring if I created a stress free environment that it gave him the best chance of not drinking.

It did not matter if my loved one vented to me every day, or not. It did not matter if work was stressful, or not. Without recovery the call of alcohol would become too much for him and he would give in.

My loved one was a binge drinker so he would go an extended period of time without alcohol abuse. When he did drink in excess though he would drive, punch walls and put himself in a lot of danger. He had had a tough life, which at the time I gave as a reason for why he let off steam with alcohol. Now though all the alcohol did was add to the problems...not make it better.

I however was CONSTANTLY worried....even when months in between would happen without alcohol use.

There is a Al-Anon saying called the Three Cs that really helped me
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.

I also want to caution you that my loved one did not drink excessively the first year we were together. We got married right after year two....and then is really got bad. I have come to learn that not only is the disease progressive but that changes can happen after the courtship phase that we did not see before...that is a normal part of all intimate relationships, and can be a deepening of intimacy, but in my case was an eye opening experience of the challenging kind.