family gatherings
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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family gatherings
My 26 yo daughter has been in treatment for 90days. We have a fairly functional, happy, supportive family anxious for her to return to her home (she does not live with any other family member) and to our family who adore her.
We have invited her to a few family dinners while she has been in outpatient therapy, but she has declined. I understand this as we commonly have a bottle of wine and the guys drink a beer at most dinner gatherings. She insists that she does not want us to change our habits for her, which we would be more than willing to do to support her recovery. Should we take it upon ourselves to have a dinner with no alcohol, would that make it easier for her to join us or would it serve to make her feel guilty? What would be helpful, what is not helpful? Any AA members out there that can shine some light on this for me?
I am wondering how long it might be until she will feel strong enough, comfortable enough to come to one of our dinners with her siblings and nieces and nephews? Everyone misses her so very much, my other adult kids want their sister back. Some of the siblings have a deeper understanding of addiction than others, but all are supportive and willing to do whatever to have her back at family gatherings.
I am so grateful that she is healthy and alive and I recognize this as the most important thing. But I must admit that at times I feel my daughter has been abducted by another family and we, her family of origin, have taken a very distant second seat of importance in her life. We are all trying to keep this in perspective, but it is hard at times and there are hurt feelings, especially from sibs who helped her so many times during the most difficult times of her addiction.
Any advice or experience you could share that might help me at this stage would be appreciated. Thanks.
We have invited her to a few family dinners while she has been in outpatient therapy, but she has declined. I understand this as we commonly have a bottle of wine and the guys drink a beer at most dinner gatherings. She insists that she does not want us to change our habits for her, which we would be more than willing to do to support her recovery. Should we take it upon ourselves to have a dinner with no alcohol, would that make it easier for her to join us or would it serve to make her feel guilty? What would be helpful, what is not helpful? Any AA members out there that can shine some light on this for me?
I am wondering how long it might be until she will feel strong enough, comfortable enough to come to one of our dinners with her siblings and nieces and nephews? Everyone misses her so very much, my other adult kids want their sister back. Some of the siblings have a deeper understanding of addiction than others, but all are supportive and willing to do whatever to have her back at family gatherings.
I am so grateful that she is healthy and alive and I recognize this as the most important thing. But I must admit that at times I feel my daughter has been abducted by another family and we, her family of origin, have taken a very distant second seat of importance in her life. We are all trying to keep this in perspective, but it is hard at times and there are hurt feelings, especially from sibs who helped her so many times during the most difficult times of her addiction.
Any advice or experience you could share that might help me at this stage would be appreciated. Thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Right now she DOES need her "recovery family" the most. Even though you adore her, most alcoholics feel a certain amount of shame and embarrassment over the problems they have caused (or believe they have caused) to their loved ones. It takes quite a while for emotions to settle down and for the fog to completely lift.
(Incidentally, I am four and a half years sober in AA and my first husband has 33 years of continuous sobriety).
So far as serving alcohol at the family gatherings go, I would go with whatever her wishes are. I personally did not (and still don't) feel comfortable with alcohol in my home. Although I now have no problem being around wine or beer or other social drinking on occasion, it's usually recommended to stay away from those occasions in early recovery. I can also understand her not wanting to feel like she is causing others to change their routines for her.
My best recommendation is to follow her lead, let her know that she is welcome and that you look forward to having her rejoin the family dinners/celebrations whenever she feels up to it. Surely you and other members of the family, including her siblings, can plan some other activities together that don't involve drinking--going out to lunch together or something.
She isn't snubbing anyone (I would bet) but she does have to put her recovery first in her life right now. It won't last forever--in fact, it will probably only last a few more months. But I'd suggest being as understanding as possible while she is adjusting to sober life.
(Incidentally, I am four and a half years sober in AA and my first husband has 33 years of continuous sobriety).
So far as serving alcohol at the family gatherings go, I would go with whatever her wishes are. I personally did not (and still don't) feel comfortable with alcohol in my home. Although I now have no problem being around wine or beer or other social drinking on occasion, it's usually recommended to stay away from those occasions in early recovery. I can also understand her not wanting to feel like she is causing others to change their routines for her.
My best recommendation is to follow her lead, let her know that she is welcome and that you look forward to having her rejoin the family dinners/celebrations whenever she feels up to it. Surely you and other members of the family, including her siblings, can plan some other activities together that don't involve drinking--going out to lunch together or something.
She isn't snubbing anyone (I would bet) but she does have to put her recovery first in her life right now. It won't last forever--in fact, it will probably only last a few more months. But I'd suggest being as understanding as possible while she is adjusting to sober life.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Thanks Lexi,
I do need reminding how early this time is in her recovery and that with time she will become more confident in her sobriety and able to branch out more. Some of us are taking opportunity to do other things with her, like lunch, breakfast or coffee and in smaller groups or independently, one on one. We have a large family with many large family/friend celebrations and gatherings that I fear she will never be able to enjoy again... That is my ultimate fear. I just pine for her to be back amongst us but I realize that this may not be a healthy environment for her and thus, to support her recovery, we may have to learn to be without her on many occasions. I read this and I think I sound so defeatist, especially for someone who would have given my left foot for her to enter treatment a few months ago... Addiction is just so costly in so many ways and the consequences seem unending, even in recovery.
I do need reminding how early this time is in her recovery and that with time she will become more confident in her sobriety and able to branch out more. Some of us are taking opportunity to do other things with her, like lunch, breakfast or coffee and in smaller groups or independently, one on one. We have a large family with many large family/friend celebrations and gatherings that I fear she will never be able to enjoy again... That is my ultimate fear. I just pine for her to be back amongst us but I realize that this may not be a healthy environment for her and thus, to support her recovery, we may have to learn to be without her on many occasions. I read this and I think I sound so defeatist, especially for someone who would have given my left foot for her to enter treatment a few months ago... Addiction is just so costly in so many ways and the consequences seem unending, even in recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, I can almost guarantee that if she continues with her recovery work she will rejoin you for family gatherings. And enjoy herself more than she ever did. The one thing that will put a crimp in that happy prospect is if people get resentful or push her to do it before she is ready.
Is your daughter going to AA? My suggestion is that you attend a few open meetings, yourself (not hers, unless she invites you). It will give you a better idea of what her program of recovery is about. I also suggest (if you want to learn more about alcoholism and recovery) reading the AA Big Book.
I ALSO suggest that you consider attending a few Al-Anon meetings for yourself. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics--but the focus is on your own recovery from the effects of dealing with it--whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. It will help put to rest some of the worries you have about her recovery, what she is doing now, what she will do in the future.
Hugs, you sound like a caring parent who wants the best for your daughter.
Is your daughter going to AA? My suggestion is that you attend a few open meetings, yourself (not hers, unless she invites you). It will give you a better idea of what her program of recovery is about. I also suggest (if you want to learn more about alcoholism and recovery) reading the AA Big Book.
I ALSO suggest that you consider attending a few Al-Anon meetings for yourself. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics--but the focus is on your own recovery from the effects of dealing with it--whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. It will help put to rest some of the worries you have about her recovery, what she is doing now, what she will do in the future.
Hugs, you sound like a caring parent who wants the best for your daughter.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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recovery from the devastation that addiction causes takes a LOT longer than 90 days to overcome. for a mere 90 days she has been in a protected cocoon known as treatment....where everything is geared towards quitting and staying quit....she's had 90 days to learn the basic recovery tools but no time yet to put those into practice in the REAL world.
it says in the NA Basic Text that "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel" - that she has bonded WITH the recovery community is vital and really helps set the foundation for a life without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
alcohol is everywhere. it's often compared to being a diabetic and invited to a pie eating contest. her body has developed an allergic reaction to alcohol, to the alcoholic there is no such thing as "enjoying" a GLASS of wine with dinner. the drunk will forego eating....it wrecks the buzz.
she may also have issues with HER family of origin, as she sees it and as it happened to her. she has her own reasons. and her own path in life to carve out.
it says in the NA Basic Text that "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel" - that she has bonded WITH the recovery community is vital and really helps set the foundation for a life without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
alcohol is everywhere. it's often compared to being a diabetic and invited to a pie eating contest. her body has developed an allergic reaction to alcohol, to the alcoholic there is no such thing as "enjoying" a GLASS of wine with dinner. the drunk will forego eating....it wrecks the buzz.
she may also have issues with HER family of origin, as she sees it and as it happened to her. she has her own reasons. and her own path in life to carve out.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Lexicat - Yes, my daughter is attending many AA meetings and loving them! She is fully engaged in her recovery in every way possible and just seems so happy to have a new community of people who really understand her. And of course I am very happy for her and so relieved that she has found friends who care about her and visa versa. But the head can't always tell the heart what to feel... It has been her family that has forever supported her, been available to her when she was struggling and helped her whenever she needed it. Even though we all know, in our heads, that her "recovery family" are the best people to help her right now, we miss her and it hurts. There is grief in this process here; we are grieving our life-long connection with her.
I have attended a few Alanon meetings but I don't feel that I have found the right one for me, yet. I think I would benefit from a sponsor as well, but must admit that with full time work and many family responsibilities I struggle finding the time for all this. I have many things, given the time, I would like to do for myself (as alanon suggests), like getting healthy or finding time to do the things I enjoy in life... Alanon meetings are slowly finding a way onto my short list, but I will have to give up other things to carve out this time and I am trying not to be resentful about this. I am coming to realize that my attending alanon might be the key to maintaining a close relationship with my daughter.
Anvilhead - I realize that she cannot "enjoy" a glass of wine. I don't think I implied that she could. My question for other addicts is, despite my daughter's insistence otherwise, should I make our family nights alcohol free as a courtesy to her during her early recovery so she knows she does not have to face that element if she chose to attend a dinner at our house? She doesn't love large gatherings with extended family or many friends (she suffers from anxiety), but she has always loved the laughter and warmth she shares with her siblings and I am trying to find a way for that to be possible during her recovery. It may not be possible, just thinking out loud here.
I have attended a few Alanon meetings but I don't feel that I have found the right one for me, yet. I think I would benefit from a sponsor as well, but must admit that with full time work and many family responsibilities I struggle finding the time for all this. I have many things, given the time, I would like to do for myself (as alanon suggests), like getting healthy or finding time to do the things I enjoy in life... Alanon meetings are slowly finding a way onto my short list, but I will have to give up other things to carve out this time and I am trying not to be resentful about this. I am coming to realize that my attending alanon might be the key to maintaining a close relationship with my daughter.
Anvilhead - I realize that she cannot "enjoy" a glass of wine. I don't think I implied that she could. My question for other addicts is, despite my daughter's insistence otherwise, should I make our family nights alcohol free as a courtesy to her during her early recovery so she knows she does not have to face that element if she chose to attend a dinner at our house? She doesn't love large gatherings with extended family or many friends (she suffers from anxiety), but she has always loved the laughter and warmth she shares with her siblings and I am trying to find a way for that to be possible during her recovery. It may not be possible, just thinking out loud here.
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Originally Posted by nano 
My question for other addicts is, despite my daughter's insistence otherwise, should I make our family nights alcohol free as a courtesy to her during her early recovery so she knows she does not have to face that element if she chose to attend a dinner at our house?
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[I]It has been her family that has forever supported her, been available to her when she was struggling and helped her whenever she needed it.[I]
and that family could now simply rejoice in the fact that just for today she seems to be beating her demons. support THIS. the reward of recovery isn't about whether she attends family gatherings but that she is free from active addiction and can live a full long drug free life and can live that life however she chooses.
she doesn't really owe you anything. I know that sounds harsh, but all each of us really owe to anyone is OURSELVES. that means all of us....your daughter, me, you. your own words echo the message:
I have many things, given the time, I would like to do for myself (as alanon suggests), like getting healthy or finding time to do the things I enjoy in life...
what greater goal could there be than getting healthy and doing things you truly enjoy?
and that family could now simply rejoice in the fact that just for today she seems to be beating her demons. support THIS. the reward of recovery isn't about whether she attends family gatherings but that she is free from active addiction and can live a full long drug free life and can live that life however she chooses.
she doesn't really owe you anything. I know that sounds harsh, but all each of us really owe to anyone is OURSELVES. that means all of us....your daughter, me, you. your own words echo the message:
I have many things, given the time, I would like to do for myself (as alanon suggests), like getting healthy or finding time to do the things I enjoy in life...
what greater goal could there be than getting healthy and doing things you truly enjoy?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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My ABF is in early recovery, 90 days as well. I can say, unequivocally, I do not have alcohol in the house and won't have it when family gathers here. Alcohol nearly destroyed him and us, it is not welcome in our home. I also don't think we should give it that much importance, what's wrong with an alcohol free gathering? I'm not asking you that question, just sharing how I think about it.
He told me the last time he was sober that it was okay to have a drink around him, that he had to learn to live in a drinking world. He now says he is thankful I'm not drinking around him this time. Yes, he has to learn to be around alcohol in this world, but I don't feel the need to be part of that. I want our home and our family to be a safe zone for him, where he doesn't have to think about it.
I also think his recovery family is easier for him right now. He feels guilt still about alot of his behaviors when he was active. I know that will get better as he continues to work on it, but it will be his timeline not mine. I went to an AA social gathering with him last weekend. He was so relaxed and social, laughing and enjoying the evening. I can't express how great it was to see him like that.
Your daughter will find her way back to family gatherings. Don't worry about a timeline. Just be happy.
He told me the last time he was sober that it was okay to have a drink around him, that he had to learn to live in a drinking world. He now says he is thankful I'm not drinking around him this time. Yes, he has to learn to be around alcohol in this world, but I don't feel the need to be part of that. I want our home and our family to be a safe zone for him, where he doesn't have to think about it.
I also think his recovery family is easier for him right now. He feels guilt still about alot of his behaviors when he was active. I know that will get better as he continues to work on it, but it will be his timeline not mine. I went to an AA social gathering with him last weekend. He was so relaxed and social, laughing and enjoying the evening. I can't express how great it was to see him like that.
Your daughter will find her way back to family gatherings. Don't worry about a timeline. Just be happy.
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Personally I wouldn't make the offer of a no-alcohol gathering. She has already said she doesn't want you to make changes for her.
It sounds to me like she does not want this interaction right now at all.
"She doesn't love large gatherings with extended family or many friends (she suffers from anxiety)"
The above ^^^^ IMO, is more the culprit in this circumstance. Alcohol is commonly used to aid anxiety issues by lowering inhibitions.
My advice would be to integrate back slowly - invite her to go shopping with a sibling and yourself, or a movie - anything interactive and not where she feels like the spotlight would be turned on her (such as a family dinner).
She will come around eventually, when her sobriety and recovery aren't so new and she has learned to use her coping skills in a public setting comfortably.
It sounds to me like she does not want this interaction right now at all.
"She doesn't love large gatherings with extended family or many friends (she suffers from anxiety)"
The above ^^^^ IMO, is more the culprit in this circumstance. Alcohol is commonly used to aid anxiety issues by lowering inhibitions.
My advice would be to integrate back slowly - invite her to go shopping with a sibling and yourself, or a movie - anything interactive and not where she feels like the spotlight would be turned on her (such as a family dinner).
She will come around eventually, when her sobriety and recovery aren't so new and she has learned to use her coping skills in a public setting comfortably.
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