ThethreeCs

I have been reading the forums today to remind myself that although my XABF is in a new relationship, he won't be perfect, and she will have to put up with the bad behaviours. I.E. irresponsible, secretive, manipulating, pity parties, lies, hiding alcohol, isolation from his friends. I can accept that he is an alcoholic, but he admitted that he has been cheating on her with me, as well as friends- which makes me wonder if he was even faithful to me those seven years??

I have a hard time accepting who he is but...

If someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

But it is hard to accept, because I will also have to accept...

1) Why did I do it for so long? Why is there a part of me that needs to take care or be responsible for another human being?

2) Was it ever really love, or did he just see the overly responsible girl, that would put up with unacceptable behaviour, who loved too much?

I am scared that acceptance = being mad at myself for not seeing the red flags, and spending 7 years convincing myself it was love - when it was really dependence. Maybe all of my fears of infidelity were true - and will I ever trust again?

Anyone have any advice on forgiveness and acceptance? I find it easy to do with others, but not so easy with myself.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.

I was married to my alcoholic, 14 years, and I needed to find a way to forgive myself too.

I found that I needed to forgive myself in the same way that I forgave him:

I fogave for not being what I needed him to be, and I had to forgive myself for not being the person I wanted myself to be.

I had to do more forgiveness exercises for myself. I had to forgive a history of making the same type of relationship choices.

I learned how to forgive myself, and learn to love myself again through some great self-improvement books like: "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.

You too will find your way. Stick around and allow the ES&H (experience, strength and hope) of other members to guide you on your own recovery journey.

SparkleKitty

For me, it took a bit of a disaster (my first marriage ending) to get into therapy. I had to get at why I kept having the same relationships over and over again instead of just jumping into the next one and watching it implode the same way all the others had. Forgiveness was a three part process for me.

Talking to my therapist began the journey of understanding where I came from. I needed an intellectual understanding of what happened to me in my childhood (growing up with an alcoholic mother and co-dependent father) so I could see that I behaved in relationships the same way at 35 that I did at 5: assuming I was not good enough, that I did not deserve to be happy, and that my feelings and needs were less important than theirs. I had been turning everyone I was in a relationship with into my mother, because it was comfortable and safe and I knew how to behave.

Second came the emotional understanding. I am good at getting things in my brain, but my heart often had a harder time letting stuff in (and why not, it had been hurt a lot by the very people who were supposed to make taking care of it their first priority). So feeling my way through this was the longest step, and the hardest. I cried a lot. But when my heart finally "got" that it wasn't my fault, then I was free to build a new way of having relationships.

And that was the third part. But before I could try out a relationship with someone else, I had to first have a successful one with myself. I had started the process with that emotional understanding of where I was coming from and what I had been doing, but now I was free not only to forgive myself for my past mistakes, but to accept that I was a good enough person to deserve love -- from myself, and from others. This part was about getting to know me - the "me" free of my childhood burdens, the "me" free to explore new ways of looking at the world. I spent a lot of time with friends. They provided wonderful mirrors to the best parts of myself that emerged. I wrote a novel! I decided to spend each moment IN that moment. If I was working, then I was working and not thinking about the past or the future or anything else that was out of my control. If I was at rehearsal, I dove in. Whatever I was doing, I dove in. I took care of nurtured myself, alone.

The final test came when I met someone with an alcohol problem. I got involved with him even though I knew better. We went through all the usual crap one goes through with an ABF. I think I needed to show myself that I really couldn't fix someone else. There was really nothing I could do to make another human being happy. And I got out of it when I finally understood that, and I never looked back. The old me would have beaten myself up to no end for getting involved. Because the old me was always looking for a reason to beat myself up.

Hugs to you.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, ThreeCs. Being mad at oneself seems to be a stage in this journey. But acceptance isn't about beating yourself up for your choices. It is accepting reality for what it is today.

What helped me was to recognize the past is over, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I made the decisions I made with the best judgment I had at the time. What I do have control over is today and the many tomorrow's left in my lifetime. I can change the course of my life, starting now.

Accepting the reality of my situation also allowed me to spend time reflecting on what is it broken inside of me that led to this disastrous relationship? Looking at this as a positive learning experience helped to end the need to beat myself up pretty quickly.

Sungrl

It is an amazing place. It saved my sanity. Taught me I was not alone in dealing with the heartbreaking, mind numbing, rollercoaster ride of addiction. I was able to remove myself from a situation that was taking my soul ,and learn to be a better, healthier version of myself. I wa able to detach with love from someone who had lost his way and wanted me along for the ride.

LifeRecovery

Great name ThreeCs

It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the abuse of alcohol too. For some reason I could have boundaries around that that I could not have around inappropriate behavior with alcohol.

My reactions to both varied, but my recovery from both have overlapped. I had to go through a mad stage (at him, at me), but I had enough recovery at the time to understand that it was a stage.

I needed to do a lot initially. Al-Anon, reading, therapy, etc.

I also needed to see time and time again that this kind of healing TAKES TIME. For affairs they typically say there is a MINIMUM of two years and often as long as five for healing to occur. I needed to hold onto this very tightly so I did not judge myself to harsh when it was still hard.

I am glad you are here.