Florence

I'm extraordinarily anxious today, which happens around every holiday (it's my birthday). I read something that really struck me about holidays and why they're so stressful. Holidays are typically focused on family time, and when your family is dysfunctional or unreliable, they become extra fraught with expectations and disappointment.

The other day I posted in a thread about how unreliable my AH was around holidays, and how many Christmases, birthdays, Mother's Days, and whatnot I spent alone while he was off on a bender, or how he'd overcompensate later with tons of presents and leave me holding the bill. My mom did the same thing too. Probably the most epic holiday was when I was still single, and I went to Christmas at my parents and watched my whole family, sisters, their spouses and kids, and my parents do an orgy of present opening, when I realized about halfway through that they'd all forgotten me. Really. Yesterday she asked me, "Should I just write you a check or what?" Thanks, Mom.

Today I have the urge to stress eat and do some compulsive shopping. I did really well on Valentine's Day, when I expected nothing and got it. I made it all about the kids and it was actually kind of fun. But today I'm just wrecked. There's a part of me that just feels so unloved, and unlovable.

Pelican

:day5 Florence!

I am glad you are here. I think you are showing great progress in your recovery.

I have found the use of positive affirmations done with mirrors helpful in reminding me that I am loveable.

Louise Hay teaches how to do these. I have one of her books "You Can Heal Your Life", and one of her positive affirmations is to repeat this statement:

Love is Everywhere.
I am loving.
I am loveable.

I know that for myself traditional holidays are not something I look forward to. A history of hoping for Norman Rockwell moments and a reality of tension filled moments have left me less than enthusiastic.

I have come to realize that the reason I shun traditional family celebrations is that I do not enjoy spending time, making merry, with the people who have brought pain into my life. And that's okay!

Sending you (((hugs))) and wishes for happiness within.

Florence

Ugh, I forgot to say what I originally posted to say! A sign I am getting old.

Anyway, I have really struggled to accept this stuff about my family. What I've discovered with my sisters is that they struggle with it too, especially with my mom and dad, but lean on their own families. I feel like it's telling that my family of choice has been with men that aren't reliable (and interesting that my sisters don't have that problem -- or do they?) and forget about me, or punish me.

But the struggle I have is what this says about me (or does it?). I am struggling but mostly in acceptance of the fact that my FOO is dysfunctional, and it's not really about me. I continue to struggle with how to manage this, and how to spend time with them, especially when I need my emotionally conditional parents to help me with the kids. However, I have chosen to be in relationships with unreliable men, and I've been sorely disappointed at their unreliability, and I feel real disappointment with myself and how I've steered my life up until now, and I see how it's affected my son. It's a real source of pain and anxiety. I realize now that I can make better choices, but I feel real regret.

This could also be the depression talking, for which I'm under treatment. Anyway, today I want to disappear.

Impurrfect

((Florence)) - Happy Birthday! I understand the stress that comes with special days.

WE love you and are more than happy to celebrate with you!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tuffgirl

7

Happy Birthday Florence! We love you! And you have tremendous worth to your SR friends and the larger community here.

Long ago I gave up on having real "recognition" on my birthday...in the sense of that magical feeling we had as kids. Someone called it a day to celebrate "another trip around the sun" and I have never forgotten that!

I used my birthday last fall as a day of reflection...what had happened over the past year and what I'd like to have happen over the next. It was a peaceful, quiet day. And that was exactly the way I hoped it would be.

Hugs,
~T

outonalimb

((((((((((((Florence)))))))))))

First of all....HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I wish I could come over there and take you out for a fabulous lunch to celebrate. I hope you do something really nice for yourself today. Buy yourself some flowers, go to the park and take a nice, long walk, go to a movie, take a long, hot bubble bath. Do something that makes you happy. Pamper yourself a little bit to celebrate your day.

I get what you're saying. Earier today I was thinking about how many BAD DECISIONS I made when it came to my exah. I just kept making the same bad decision over and over again. And I have felt a sense of regret over it lately. I guess it's because I've really taken the focus of my exah and what he's doing (or isn't doing) and I've put the spotlight straight on me and my actions and decisions and it's kind of hard to be honest with myself and admit where I messed up (time and time and time again).

Kinda sounds like you're doing the same thing. But let's not get stuck there. I just have to remind myself that I did the best I could with the tools I had at my disposal. I come from a disfunctional FOO too (don't we all, to some degree or another?) and I didn't understand how to take care of my emotional well-being. I just thought life was something that happened to me and my job was to survive it. That' a crappy way to live. I want something better. And I think you and I have both put in alot of work lately trying to figure out how we got where we are and where we want to be and that requires alot of soul searching and sometimes brutally honesty and it's hard freakin' work! And it's uncomfortable because we can't lay the blame at anyone's feet anymore.

But that's what recovery is all about! How can we move forward if we don't take an honest look at our part in it? We can't. But its so important that we do so with a real sense of compassion and forgiveness for ourselves. The past is the past. We can't change it. But we can make some changes so our future is better. And I think we're both doing that and we should be proud.

You're such a bright light around here. Your posts always encourage me or uplift me or challenge me to look at something from a different angle. So happy birthday to you!! Now go out and show yourself some love!!

Hugs!!

Florence

Outonalimb:

Yes, absolutely. And for some reason the stars keep aligning to throw the truth back in my face. Earlier this year I found out that one of my first love interests (not serious, but still) just received a life sentence in jail. Last week I found out that a high school boyfriend is cooling his heels in jail for crimes related to his alcoholism. It knocked me right off of my feet. I also have suspicions in hindsight that one of my more serious ex-boyfriends was a sober alcoholic and codependent, and I was too selfish, naive, and self-absorbed to pick that up at the time.

Here I've been believing that this or that bad relationship was an anomaly, because that's not me and I make good decisions and that's not my life. But this is actually my life. I don't know. The blinders are off and I don't like what I see.

ShootingStar1

I like what the other people say here, especially Outonalimb.

It is fine and helpful to think through past relationships and all.

Today, though, I think you should figure out what will make YOU happy right now and go do it. Just for you. Just because you deserve it!

There's always a pair of HIIIIIII-gh red heels with your name on them, waiting for you....

Something funny, something that makes you laugh, something outrageous, something that tells you're worth a whole lot

ShootingStar1

Tuffgirl

Now this I can relate to. I've been divorced since August, and in really no way involved with the X for a year now. I'd like to "get back on the horse" but am terrified of my broken picker!

My comfort zone is emotionally unavailable a-holes. Several times in the last handful of months I've caught myself gravitating toward that again. But I guess the progress is in the ability to recognize it beforehand this time around, instead of after the fact...

ReflectingOnMe

Happiest Birthday Florence.
Instead of gorging and shopping spree (which I can COMPLETELY relate on both); why not a nice meal out at your FAVORITE restaurant and a little something for yourself? It would be a nice way to celebrate the specialness of being you. I swear I get the best presents when I buy for myself ;-)
Have a great day!

dancingnow

Happy Birthday to you Florence, I hope you enjoy some special time just for you. On my last birthday I didn't even try to engage my RAH or my family into making it special for me. I planned a special day at a museum at one of the college campuses downtown (it was free admission and they had a nice exhibit). I thoroughly enjoyed my time alone.

It just so happened a friend called me on that day and it was too late for her to join me but I also had plans for the next day (extended my birthday with 2 vacation days) to go to a cooking lesson/lunch and asked her if she wanted to join me. She did join me and we had a fun time and I was glad I treated myself to this and know I would have enjoyed it even if she didn't come.

Redheadsusie

Happy Birthday- For today your special day concentrate on yourself - take a hot bath-cook something yummy- enjoy the simple pleasure of yourself and celebrate you! You are worth it !~ Sending hugs!

LifeRecovery

oh Florence can I relate.

I have a broken picker when it comes to friends...never mind intimate relationships.

Here is to having another year to celebrate and learn from our past mistakes (which I know you are so capable of).

Rosiepetal

A very very happy birthday to you.
Try & do something nice for you.7

BoxinRotz

Happy Birthday Florence!

I have told AH many times I can't count on him after he tells me he will always take care of me. Pfffft... Dude, if I fall down the steps, you could not help me, use your DROID to call 911, take me to the ER or sit with me! You won't even go to WalMart with me without rushing me through the aisles to get back home. I have been needing him more at the store because my eyes have been messing with me under those lights and he won't help me.

Anyways, I hope you had a very Happy Birthday today. What did you buy yourself?

LexieCat

Happy Birthday, Florence!!

I used to get bitterly disappointed and let down by people's failure to make my day "special". Even when I was in college, I remember one birthday the only greeting card I got (in the mail) was from our family insurance agent! That seemed more insulting than not getting ANY.

I eventually learned to make my own "special" treats for my birthday. I planned something or bought something totally self-indulgent and I've gotten so I really enjoy those. I usually don't even tell people when my birthday is anymore. Just not that big a deal, and I don't have to deal with those nasty "expectations."

Hope the coming year brings you all KINDS of wonderful new beginnings!

Birthday hugs,