Im stuck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: vancouver b.c
Posts: 31
Im stuck
Well, my boyfriend has been on a binge for now 7 days.I tried to be strong by not calling,going over there.I was, until yesterday.I felf compelled to go over to see if he was even alive.I walked in and found him laying face down on his bed with the same clothes on from 7 days ago,empty cans and and mickey's strewn all over the place.I stood above him staring at him and thinking to myself, how sad is this?....This attractive, kind,highly educated, with a great profession man who has everything do this?....i cried. He woke up to find me there asking me to stay.I asked him why?...he said to "cuddle" i engaged in a conversation with him which im sure he will not remember and during this time, he not once said he needed help.He just wanted me to be there to "take care of him" I left feeling sick to my stomach,sad and devasted.How can this man reach out for help when he is so far gone and doesnt even realise he's been drinking for 7 days? This is what i struggle with.Thoughts run through my head,,,what if he passes out and chokes on his own vomit and dies? What if he leaves in the middle of the night,gets beaten,robbed and left for dead in a ditch? No one deserves to die like that.Am i supposed to just stay strong and allow something like that to happen? God,i need strength to stay strong and stay with my convictions, focus on my studies and focus on ME. Im scared that i will find him dead and i will be the one making those calls to his family. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by cambell 
Am i supposed to just stay strong and allow something like that to happen?
With all due respect, Cambell, this is a grown man with choices. Until and unless he tangles with the law in some way, he can drink himself to death if he so chooses, and you don't have any rights to stand in his way.
I know it is the most horrible thing to watch, and all of us have tried over and over again to change the direction of our A's, but thinking we have any control over what they do or don't do is part of our own delusions. If it is so hard on you to watch, step aside and choose not to be a spectator. That's where detachment and no contact come into play. Its not to punish them or control the situation, its to save ourselves and our sanity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I learned to give my partner the dignity to make his own decisions. That sounds strange, but it's important. I can not treat him as a child, deciding what he should or shouldn't do. He also has to be allowed to experience the natural consequences of his choices. If you always step in and save them, you don't allow them the opportunity to come to grips with the costs and perhaps decide to get help. You have to step away. Sounds like he doesn't want help yet...he wants a baby sitter. Stop watching. Go to AlAnon and work on your health. Your BF will decide his own path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: vancouver b.c
Posts: 31
You both are so right....im going to keep coming back to those posts and keep reading to remind myself of what i cannot do for him.He has to make the choice, afterall,he decided to drink rather than call anyone for support.I cant be his keeper.Thank you again.You guys are awesome.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear cambell, Do you have AA in Vancouver? If so, I would talk to someone in the AA organization---someone who has been in recovery for a long time. I have learned (from AA people) that soimetimes they will send a member to talk with an alcoholic in the kind of situation that yours is in. In AA, they say that an alcoholic can reach another alcoholic in ways that no other can.
I am not an AA member, myself. Maybe someone else on this forum can speak to this option with more experience than me. At any rate---what do you have to lose at this point. Talking to a recovering Alcoholic might be helpful to give you some comfort that y ou are doing all you can do.
sincerely, dandylion
I am not an AA member, myself. Maybe someone else on this forum can speak to this option with more experience than me. At any rate---what do you have to lose at this point. Talking to a recovering Alcoholic might be helpful to give you some comfort that y ou are doing all you can do.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear cambell, Do you have AA in Vancouver? If so, I would talk to someone in the AA organization---someone who has been in recovery for a long time. I have learned (from AA people) that soimetimes they will send a member to talk with an alcoholic in the kind of situation that yours is in. In AA, they say that an alcoholic can reach another alcoholic in ways that no other can.
I am not an AA member, myself. Maybe someone else on this forum can speak to this option with more experience than me. At any rate---what do you have to lose at this point. Talking to a recovering Alcoholic might be helpful to give you some comfort that y ou are doing all you can do.
sincerely, dandylion
I am not an AA member, myself. Maybe someone else on this forum can speak to this option with more experience than me. At any rate---what do you have to lose at this point. Talking to a recovering Alcoholic might be helpful to give you some comfort that y ou are doing all you can do.
sincerely, dandylion
~T
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I can't tell you the number of times I experienced the same emotions when my XABF would go on the binge for 7 days or weeks.....so sad and never improved! Such a waste! I am sorry you are going thru this and hope it changes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I used to be "stuck" because my XA was just like yours... drink to oblivion and black out and a danger to himself and others and I was so frightened he would die if I didn't intervene all the time. I did this for 4 years to the point of ...well, insanity.
Finally, I couldn't take another relapse and I cut off all contact and he careened around the country drunk, in jails. spun out his car and finally burned it to the ground... and then a funny thing happened... he had enough and sought recovery on his own.
No one forced him (me or the courts) and he is going to at least one AA meeting a day, working and is truly doing better than he ever did in his entire life. He is in authentic, genuine and heartfelt recovery!
Had I not stepped out of the way we would still be in an alcoholic dance of despair and hopelessness.
Trust his HP and yours... truly it is the answer even though it may not "feel" like the answer...
Finally, I couldn't take another relapse and I cut off all contact and he careened around the country drunk, in jails. spun out his car and finally burned it to the ground... and then a funny thing happened... he had enough and sought recovery on his own.
No one forced him (me or the courts) and he is going to at least one AA meeting a day, working and is truly doing better than he ever did in his entire life. He is in authentic, genuine and heartfelt recovery!
Had I not stepped out of the way we would still be in an alcoholic dance of despair and hopelessness.
Trust his HP and yours... truly it is the answer even though it may not "feel" like the answer...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Englander in Michigan
Posts: 52
Are you dating my AXB? Seriously this was so chilling it sounded like my most recent relationship.
Stop.
Stop now.
Seriously.
The binges will continue. You will always live in fear of so many things- of his death, of losing him, of losing everything.
Is this the life you want? Believe me, it goes on and the misery continues. The fear of never knowing, never being safe, never relying on a healthy partner, having a real, reliable human being as a significant other will continue.
Don't do this to yourself. Do you deserve so little as to cheat yourself of a real life dealing with this man's total bullcrap? I did it. I know...
If you can, walk away.
You cannot save this person.
Love is not enough.
You will wait forever for the someday that never arrives.
You will hope and wish for his epiphany and realization.
You will always wonder when you open the door- is he alive or dead?
When he sleeps next to you, will he wake up or is he dead?
You will wonder years later why you wasted so many years on someone else's problem.
You will wonder where your life went.
You will wonder where your dreams went.
Where your happiness went...
Where your safety and emotionally security is anymore...
He can want to cuddle forever (mine did) and it won't change the binges and the cycles and the total tragedy that will be YOUR lack of life if you stay here in this hell.
Is this truly the 'life' worth continuing to live for you Cambell? My thoughts are with you.
Stop.
Stop now.
Seriously.
The binges will continue. You will always live in fear of so many things- of his death, of losing him, of losing everything.
Is this the life you want? Believe me, it goes on and the misery continues. The fear of never knowing, never being safe, never relying on a healthy partner, having a real, reliable human being as a significant other will continue.
Don't do this to yourself. Do you deserve so little as to cheat yourself of a real life dealing with this man's total bullcrap? I did it. I know...
If you can, walk away.
You cannot save this person.
Love is not enough.
You will wait forever for the someday that never arrives.
You will hope and wish for his epiphany and realization.
You will always wonder when you open the door- is he alive or dead?
When he sleeps next to you, will he wake up or is he dead?
You will wonder years later why you wasted so many years on someone else's problem.
You will wonder where your life went.
You will wonder where your dreams went.
Where your happiness went...
Where your safety and emotionally security is anymore...
He can want to cuddle forever (mine did) and it won't change the binges and the cycles and the total tragedy that will be YOUR lack of life if you stay here in this hell.
Is this truly the 'life' worth continuing to live for you Cambell? My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I have to agree with those advising to step aside and let the A make the decision for himself. Only when I changed my behavior did my AH's behavior change. I stopped trying to have any meaningful conversations when he was drunk and when he was sober and I started to set (and keep) boundaries.
So far, so good - he's in rehab and is working his program. I'm not silly though - I know this isn't some magical fix. He needs to keep working on his recovery, and so do I. But his actions & choices are up to him, and mine are up to me.
Only you can decide what your boundaries are & what "stepping aside" means to you...but it certainly doesn't mean cuddling nor coddling him when he's looped.
So far, so good - he's in rehab and is working his program. I'm not silly though - I know this isn't some magical fix. He needs to keep working on his recovery, and so do I. But his actions & choices are up to him, and mine are up to me.
Only you can decide what your boundaries are & what "stepping aside" means to you...but it certainly doesn't mean cuddling nor coddling him when he's looped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: vancouver b.c
Posts: 31
Its been a few days since ive been on this site.I took "dandylion"advice and sought out finding a recovering alcoholic.I did not have to go to far really.I called a relative who has been sober for years and had not spoken to in years. Im glad i did.She was very supportive and had a great deal of insight,she asked me some very thought provoking questions that forced me to dig deep. I have spoken to my boyfriend and as of now (6 days sober) i am happy for him that he has turned a corner,but he has "turned' many corners! so i am still hanging on a thread and holding my breath because he has many times like i said told me "im done" We will wait and see.In the meantime i am proud of myself for staying strong,going about my business and focusing on myself.Life is to short for this and i deserve to be happy, just like him. I hope for him that this is it. Im not sure what his defining moment was.I just pray that he is doing this for himself and not for anyone else. Thank you once again to those of you who have been posting me with encouragment and wisdom.I will continue to post and read on this forum.I have found great theraputic value for myself .
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suggest not holding your breath. By that, I don't mean he is doomed to go back to drinking, but sheesh, you need to keep breathing regardless of what he does or does not do. Your well-being does not have to depend on what he does.
Have you gone to Al-Anon? It will help you get your focus off him and onto you, where it belongs.
Have you gone to Al-Anon? It will help you get your focus off him and onto you, where it belongs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Originally Posted by cambell
Well, my boyfriend has been on a binge for now 7 days.I tried to be strong by not calling,going over there.I was, until yesterday.I felf compelled to go over to see if he was even alive.I walked in and found him laying face down on his bed with the same clothes on from 7 days ago,empty cans and and mickey's strewn all over the place.I stood above him staring at him and thinking to myself, how sad is this?....This attractive, kind,highly educated, with a great profession man who has everything do this?....i cried. He woke up to find me there asking me to stay.I asked him why?...he said to "cuddle" i engaged in a conversation with him which im sure he will not remember and during this time, he not once said he needed help.He just wanted me to be there to "take care of him" I left feeling sick to my stomach,sad and devasted.How can this man reach out for help when he is so far gone and doesnt even realise he's been drinking for 7 days? This is what i struggle with.Thoughts run through my head,,,what if he passes out and chokes on his own vomit and dies? What if he leaves in the middle of the night,gets beaten,robbed and left for dead in a ditch? No one deserves to die like that.Am i supposed to just stay strong and allow something like that to happen? God,i need strength to stay strong and stay with my convictions, focus on my studies and focus on ME. Im scared that i will find him dead and i will be the one making those calls to his family.
My brother Overdosed a few years ago. We all knew he was struggling but had no idea how bad. His GF did know. I really wish she would have let us know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: vancouver b.c
Posts: 31
hi, im replying to a question from "precious kitty'...yes, his family does know, in fact they probably know more than i do.Ive been in this relationship for only 16 months.This has been a life long struggle for him with an exception to 12 years sobriety. I have sought out advice and asked others if i should continually let his family know the updates(sober or relapse) but the feed back ive gotten is, not to, and that isnt up to me to do that.I honestly stuggle with that as his ENTIRE family lives thousands of miles away.I am the only one near by. Can i ask you if you know the answer as to why the girlfriend did not stay in touch and let you know?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
When we get involved with an addict, it gets very easy to lose site of ourselves and spend all our energy on the addict. He is a grown man and he is going to do what he wants to do. What took me the longest to realize was that you can't reason with an addict. Addicts are not able to be rational and trying to explain to them what they are doing to their lives is a waste.
All we can do is help ourselves. It gets easy to focus on the addict as the one that needs help, but usually, we have our own issues to look at. When I stopped neglecting my own needs, stopped thinking I could safe my A, and started living in today instead of "next month things will be better" I realized that I was sick in my own way.
Watching an A spiral down is extremely painful. I wouldn't go over there to check on him. Logically, checking won't make a difference because once you leave something could happen anyway. Instead, focus on you and paving the future that you want.
All we can do is help ourselves. It gets easy to focus on the addict as the one that needs help, but usually, we have our own issues to look at. When I stopped neglecting my own needs, stopped thinking I could safe my A, and started living in today instead of "next month things will be better" I realized that I was sick in my own way.
Watching an A spiral down is extremely painful. I wouldn't go over there to check on him. Logically, checking won't make a difference because once you leave something could happen anyway. Instead, focus on you and paving the future that you want.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Originally Posted by cambell
hi, im replying to a question from "precious kitty'...yes, his family does know, in fact they probably know more than i do.Ive been in this relationship for only 16 months.This has been a life long struggle for him with an exception to 12 years sobriety. I have sought out advice and asked others if i should continually let his family know the updates(sober or relapse) but the feed back ive gotten is, not to, and that isnt up to me to do that.I honestly stuggle with that as his ENTIRE family lives thousands of miles away.I am the only one near by. Can i ask you if you know the answer as to why the girlfriend did not stay in touch and let you know?
And to be honest maybe it makes us feel a little better thinking "if only she would have told us" because we feel guilty that we weren't there more. Ya know how us alcoholics are with the blame thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Originally Posted by PreciousKitty
It sounds like you are doing everything possible cambell. Hang in there!
I got real bad for a few about 5 years, then went to rehab a year ago. Was sober for 9 months. Now have relspsed like 5 times (one day relapses). My family is still supportive but I can imagine after years of it they would not be. And I think I would feel so hopeless about asking for help. Was he ever willing? Go to rehab? Does he admit his prob at all?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
