recovering alcoholics and porn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
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recovering alcoholics and porn
i have been dating a recovering alcoholic for the past 9 months. we are deeply in love with eachother and very committed. he has been so open about his recovery, and we are both very committed to self growth. we do fight, but we always come out on the other side with lessons gains and a better understanding of ourselves, and how we can improve.
a few months ago, i discovered that he had been watching porn after i went to sleep. i was extremely upset, and he was angry about my reaction, and i eventually sort of dropped it. he said that i had fallen asleep and then he got horny, so he had to do something about it. the other night i dozed off during a movie, and woke up to him right next to me in bed, jerking off to porn. i was extremely upset and he would not respond. the next day i told him that i was willing to talk to him in a constructive way about it, but that if he felt this was normal, it was not something that i am willing or able to live with. he responded in a very hostile way, and told me there is nothing wrong with him, and he is insulted that i was insinuate that. i am beside myself, terrified, because he is telling me that all that happened is he got turned on after i fell asleep, and that's all it was. i understand that men watch porn and pleasure themselves, and that does not bother me. but we are in our twenties and already only having sex once a week, at most. in the beginning he was so interested sexually with me. but he is watching porn more than we have sex, and to do that right next to me instead of wanting me and trying to wake me up.......... i don't know what to think, or do, or say, i just feel crushed. i do not know if this is related to alcoholic behaviors, or if i am completely overreacting.
a few months ago, i discovered that he had been watching porn after i went to sleep. i was extremely upset, and he was angry about my reaction, and i eventually sort of dropped it. he said that i had fallen asleep and then he got horny, so he had to do something about it. the other night i dozed off during a movie, and woke up to him right next to me in bed, jerking off to porn. i was extremely upset and he would not respond. the next day i told him that i was willing to talk to him in a constructive way about it, but that if he felt this was normal, it was not something that i am willing or able to live with. he responded in a very hostile way, and told me there is nothing wrong with him, and he is insulted that i was insinuate that. i am beside myself, terrified, because he is telling me that all that happened is he got turned on after i fell asleep, and that's all it was. i understand that men watch porn and pleasure themselves, and that does not bother me. but we are in our twenties and already only having sex once a week, at most. in the beginning he was so interested sexually with me. but he is watching porn more than we have sex, and to do that right next to me instead of wanting me and trying to wake me up.......... i don't know what to think, or do, or say, i just feel crushed. i do not know if this is related to alcoholic behaviors, or if i am completely overreacting.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Blaming the porn itself seems to ignore that the problem starts with your significant other's attitude towards you. You told him you didn't like the porn, and then the next day you woke up to him jerking off right next to you as you slept? That's like pretending you aren't even there. That's a pretty blatant disregard for your boundaries. Sounds like it could be a complex problem, not to mention if he's an alcoholic it makes it even more troublesome. I have unfortunately no advice at this time, but did want to confirm your suspicion that it seems inappropriate certainly in this case.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I don't think you're overreacting, but I don't think his obsession with porn necessarily has anything to do with alcoholic behaviors either. Maybe the two things are related and maybe they aren't, but that's not really the point. What matters is that it's a problem for you and you have the right to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
It,s called porn addiction and no it is not" normal" for men to watch porn and pleasure themselves.
This will only be degrading for you.
QUOTE=anonj;3823192]i have been dating a recovering alcoholic for the past 9 months. we are deeply in love with eachother and very committed. he has been so open about his recovery, and we are both very committed to self growth. we do fight, but we always come out on the other side with lessons gains and a better understanding of ourselves, and how we can improve.
a few months ago, i discovered that he had been watching porn after i went to sleep. i was extremely upset, and he was angry about my reaction, and i eventually sort of dropped it. he said that i had fallen asleep and then he got horny, so he had to do something about it. the other night i dozed off during a movie, and woke up to him right next to me in bed, jerking off to porn. i was extremely upset and he would not respond. the next day i told him that i was willing to talk to him in a constructive way about it, but that if he felt this was normal, it was not something that i am willing or able to live with. he responded in a very hostile way, and told me there is nothing wrong with him, and he is insulted that i was insinuate that. i am beside myself, terrified, because he is telling me that all that happened is he got turned on after i fell asleep, and that's all it was. i understand that men watch porn and pleasure themselves, and that does not bother me. but we are in our twenties and already only having sex once a week, at most. in the beginning he was so interested sexually with me. but he is watching porn more than we have sex, and to do that right next to me instead of wanting me and trying to wake me up.......... i don't know what to think, or do, or say, i just feel crushed. i do not know if this is related to alcoholic behaviors, or if i am completely overreacting.[/QUOTE]
It,s called porn addiction and no it is not" normal" for men to watch porn and pleasure themselves.
This will only be degrading for you.
QUOTE=anonj;3823192]i have been dating a recovering alcoholic for the past 9 months. we are deeply in love with eachother and very committed. he has been so open about his recovery, and we are both very committed to self growth. we do fight, but we always come out on the other side with lessons gains and a better understanding of ourselves, and how we can improve.
a few months ago, i discovered that he had been watching porn after i went to sleep. i was extremely upset, and he was angry about my reaction, and i eventually sort of dropped it. he said that i had fallen asleep and then he got horny, so he had to do something about it. the other night i dozed off during a movie, and woke up to him right next to me in bed, jerking off to porn. i was extremely upset and he would not respond. the next day i told him that i was willing to talk to him in a constructive way about it, but that if he felt this was normal, it was not something that i am willing or able to live with. he responded in a very hostile way, and told me there is nothing wrong with him, and he is insulted that i was insinuate that. i am beside myself, terrified, because he is telling me that all that happened is he got turned on after i fell asleep, and that's all it was. i understand that men watch porn and pleasure themselves, and that does not bother me. but we are in our twenties and already only having sex once a week, at most. in the beginning he was so interested sexually with me. but he is watching porn more than we have sex, and to do that right next to me instead of wanting me and trying to wake me up.......... i don't know what to think, or do, or say, i just feel crushed. i do not know if this is related to alcoholic behaviors, or if i am completely overreacting.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
My late partner chose to jerk off to porn rather than sleep with me for the majority of our relationship. It got to the point where we had sex only once every two or three months and we were also in our 20s. I tried to put it down to the fact he was on heavy medication at the time, or that he just had a low libido, until I caught him at it. He always got angry when I brought up our lack of sex as if the irregularity was abnormal, that he did found me sexually attractive etc, so the fact he was still happy to fire up the porn was really difficult for me to deal with.
I don't believe porn is a bad thing in itself, but I do see where you are coming from, especially as your partner is a recovering alcoholic. As Dollydo says, it can become an addiction in place of alcohol. I'm a bit confused about this as from what I have read, it's usually a sex addiction, which would mean he would want to have sex with you more often too. Either way, if he chooses porn over you, it's almost like an active alcoholic choosing the bottle over you.
I don't believe porn is a bad thing in itself, but I do see where you are coming from, especially as your partner is a recovering alcoholic. As Dollydo says, it can become an addiction in place of alcohol. I'm a bit confused about this as from what I have read, it's usually a sex addiction, which would mean he would want to have sex with you more often too. Either way, if he chooses porn over you, it's almost like an active alcoholic choosing the bottle over you.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Oh boy,
"More interested in porn than in me"
"We are both in our twenties"
"Already only have sex once a week"
if this bothers you up your game or dump the bf.
It sounds like he likes his fantasy (alot) or
Hes a young man whos testosterone is booming or
He wants more or
Yall are disconnected or
Hes addicted to porn (very possible) or
He wants different
"More interested in porn than in me"
"We are both in our twenties"
"Already only have sex once a week"
if this bothers you up your game or dump the bf.
It sounds like he likes his fantasy (alot) or
Hes a young man whos testosterone is booming or
He wants more or
Yall are disconnected or
Hes addicted to porn (very possible) or
He wants different
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
At the risk of being flamed, I cannot surmise from the initial post that this guy is a "porn addict." He got horny, fired up the porn and rubbed one out. Without starting a religious riot, I personally see nothing "abnormal" about it.... EXCEPT for the fact that he did it in bed next to you. I would say that is NOT normal. Some things deserve privacy, and this is one of them.
Regarding choosing porn over you, that is a different issue altogether. And if his watching of porn is unacceptable to you, then that is another issue to deal with.
Either way, I wish you luck.
Regarding choosing porn over you, that is a different issue altogether. And if his watching of porn is unacceptable to you, then that is another issue to deal with.
Either way, I wish you luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My experience with my alcoholic, porn addicted husband ended very badly. My experience is different than yours because I am 62 and my STBXAH is 69 and we were married almost 20 years. However, I have learned some lessons about porn and respect and rage against women that may be worth telling. My husband was an abusive controlling alcoholic who added porn to his mix of addictions.
It escalated rapidly and badly. He went from looking at internet porn to porn chat rooms to ongoing "relationships" with porn women, to texting them, to web-cams. He became obsessed with this.
Nothing I said made any difference. I told him I would only be in a marriage where I was the only woman; marriage was not, for me, a relationship between one woman, one man, and any number of porn stars. He didn't want to hear it and said it was my fault.
His disrespect for me was profound and immoveable. His rage against me was huge. I told him I would not stay if this continued. I was quietly gathering the papers and things I would need if I left, still hoping that he loved me enough to change but doubting that I could stay.
On July 4th, my credit card company called to have me authorize some transactions they considered suspicious. He had charged $525 to MY credit card to wire transfer money to a porn woman. My credit card company said there were over $1700 of these charges on my card.
I packed what I needed, took my dog, and left within a couple of hours and filed for divorce within the week.
He later said he went crazy for a while, and I think he did. But when I had time on my own, and with the help of this forum, I began to understand that his porn use was directed against me and was another form of abuse and rage against women that went along with many other abusive things he was doing. I looked back at his relationships with other women - his mother, sister, prior wife, and they were fraught with anger and disrespect.
Bigsombrero said the problem starts with your significant other's attitude towards you. You told him you didn't like the porn, and then the next day you woke up to him jerking off right next to you as you slept? That's like pretending you aren't even there. That's a pretty blatant disregard for your boundaries.
Your situation has many differences from mine. You are both much much younger, your partner is a recovering alcoholic, and you haven't been together that long yet.
People can exchange addictions - - give up alcohol and take up porn or gambling or even non-stop video games instead.
I'd suggest doing as much reading and research about alcoholism and porn addictions as you can. Learn about what the "red flags" are early in a relationship that trouble is ahead. It is so easy in the early stages of love to put aside your intuition and give someone the benefit of a doubt on behaviors that may be harbingers of trouble.
I'd try to see if I could understand more about how your partner feels about the earlier/other women in his life. In my situation, I realized that using porn was a way of depersonalizing sex, removing the depth of love and expression of connection with another that can come with real emotional and physical intimacy. My husband went on to use porn as a weapon against me, saying I should watch videos so that I could learn how to be a real woman. I don't know if this connection of rage and porn is common to men who use porn, or more exacerbated in my husband's instance.
And, I'd go back and really look at what you guys are fighting about and see what the real dynamics are. As you describe his porn use, he is pretty blatantly and defensively doing what he wants despite your telling him that it hurts you. If the other fights have similarities - where you are protesting over his behavior and he is defending his right to do whatever he wants, then there is a pattern.
What we learn here on the Sober Recovery forum, and through Alanon, is the 3 "c's": you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can do is think through what YOU will live with and what you won't live with and be clear about that, set boundaries, and take the action you said you'd take if your partner breaches them.
You're young, with your whole life ahead of you. If you were my daughter, I'd say think long and hard about what you really want and deserve from a life partner. I wish you all the best in the world, and hope that you'll come back and post as much as you want.
ShootingStar1
It escalated rapidly and badly. He went from looking at internet porn to porn chat rooms to ongoing "relationships" with porn women, to texting them, to web-cams. He became obsessed with this.
Nothing I said made any difference. I told him I would only be in a marriage where I was the only woman; marriage was not, for me, a relationship between one woman, one man, and any number of porn stars. He didn't want to hear it and said it was my fault.
His disrespect for me was profound and immoveable. His rage against me was huge. I told him I would not stay if this continued. I was quietly gathering the papers and things I would need if I left, still hoping that he loved me enough to change but doubting that I could stay.
On July 4th, my credit card company called to have me authorize some transactions they considered suspicious. He had charged $525 to MY credit card to wire transfer money to a porn woman. My credit card company said there were over $1700 of these charges on my card.
I packed what I needed, took my dog, and left within a couple of hours and filed for divorce within the week.
He later said he went crazy for a while, and I think he did. But when I had time on my own, and with the help of this forum, I began to understand that his porn use was directed against me and was another form of abuse and rage against women that went along with many other abusive things he was doing. I looked back at his relationships with other women - his mother, sister, prior wife, and they were fraught with anger and disrespect.
Bigsombrero said the problem starts with your significant other's attitude towards you. You told him you didn't like the porn, and then the next day you woke up to him jerking off right next to you as you slept? That's like pretending you aren't even there. That's a pretty blatant disregard for your boundaries.
Your situation has many differences from mine. You are both much much younger, your partner is a recovering alcoholic, and you haven't been together that long yet.
People can exchange addictions - - give up alcohol and take up porn or gambling or even non-stop video games instead.
I'd suggest doing as much reading and research about alcoholism and porn addictions as you can. Learn about what the "red flags" are early in a relationship that trouble is ahead. It is so easy in the early stages of love to put aside your intuition and give someone the benefit of a doubt on behaviors that may be harbingers of trouble.
I'd try to see if I could understand more about how your partner feels about the earlier/other women in his life. In my situation, I realized that using porn was a way of depersonalizing sex, removing the depth of love and expression of connection with another that can come with real emotional and physical intimacy. My husband went on to use porn as a weapon against me, saying I should watch videos so that I could learn how to be a real woman. I don't know if this connection of rage and porn is common to men who use porn, or more exacerbated in my husband's instance.
And, I'd go back and really look at what you guys are fighting about and see what the real dynamics are. As you describe his porn use, he is pretty blatantly and defensively doing what he wants despite your telling him that it hurts you. If the other fights have similarities - where you are protesting over his behavior and he is defending his right to do whatever he wants, then there is a pattern.
What we learn here on the Sober Recovery forum, and through Alanon, is the 3 "c's": you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can do is think through what YOU will live with and what you won't live with and be clear about that, set boundaries, and take the action you said you'd take if your partner breaches them.
You're young, with your whole life ahead of you. If you were my daughter, I'd say think long and hard about what you really want and deserve from a life partner. I wish you all the best in the world, and hope that you'll come back and post as much as you want.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
I deeply appreciate all the responses. I guess I am expecting to hear that I was wrong. I told him that if he felt this was normal, it was not something I could live with, and he responded with incredible anger and resentment.
One side of me says that I should have not been upset and tried to talk about it in a loving way, but the other says I have the right to be upset and it is strange that he reacted with such utter defensiveness, instead of trying to see why it upset me so much. I have dealt with situations in the past with him, where he has said very volatile things, and later regretted them. He has expressed that such outbursts happen when he is not working the program... but I would think that since he is so aware of his alcoholic tendencies, it would seem clearer to him that he is choosing porn and jerking off to having sex with me. I am not sure if it is unfair of me to apply alcoholic behavior to this type of situation, but such denial and defensiveness sounds so familiar to me.
One side of me says that I should have not been upset and tried to talk about it in a loving way, but the other says I have the right to be upset and it is strange that he reacted with such utter defensiveness, instead of trying to see why it upset me so much. I have dealt with situations in the past with him, where he has said very volatile things, and later regretted them. He has expressed that such outbursts happen when he is not working the program... but I would think that since he is so aware of his alcoholic tendencies, it would seem clearer to him that he is choosing porn and jerking off to having sex with me. I am not sure if it is unfair of me to apply alcoholic behavior to this type of situation, but such denial and defensiveness sounds so familiar to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
and shooting star, thank you so much for sharing that. it's true, i am young, and considering our future together. sometimes i feel that no relationship will ever be perfect, and other times i feel robbed of having a peaceful relationship with someone. he acts as thought i am uptight, because i can't be okay with the fact that he wants to masturbate when he is horny. and the fact that we have worked through so much together, but this is suddenly a brick wall, makes it feel like it is somehow my fault. anyway, many thanks for your support.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
Your husband waa nasty porn addict glad you got away from him.
B][/B]
Your husband waa nasty porn addict glad you got away from him.
B][/B]
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
My experience with my alcoholic, porn addicted husband ended very badly. My experience is different than yours because I am 62 and my STBXAH is 69 and we were married almost 20 years. However, I have learned some lessons about porn and respect and rage against women that may be worth telling. My husband was an abusive controlling alcoholic who added porn to his mix of addictions.
It escalated rapidly and badly. He went from looking at internet porn to porn chat rooms to ongoing "relationships" with porn women, to texting them, to web-cams. He became obsessed with this.
Nothing I said made any difference. I told him I would only be in a marriage where I was the only woman; marriage was not, for me, a relationship between one woman, one man, and any number of porn stars. He didn't want to hear it and said it was my fault.
His disrespect for me was profound and immoveable. His rage against me was huge. I told him I would not stay if this continued. I was quietly gathering the papers and things I would need if I left, still hoping that he loved me enough to change but doubting that I could stay.
On July 4th, my credit card company called to have me authorize some transactions they considered suspicious. He had charged $525 to MY credit card to wire transfer money to a porn woman. My credit card company said there were over $1700 of these charges on my card.
I packed what I needed, took my dog, and left within a couple of hours and filed for divorce within the week.
He later said he went crazy for a while, and I think he did. But when I had time on my own, and with the help of this forum, I began to understand that his porn use was directed against me and was another form of abuse and rage against women that went along with many other abusive things he was doing. I looked back at his relationships with other women - his mother, sister, prior wife, and they were fraught with anger and disrespect.
Bigsombrero said the problem starts with your significant other's attitude towards you. You told him you didn't like the porn, and then the next day you woke up to him jerking off right next to you as you slept? That's like pretending you aren't even there. That's a pretty blatant disregard for your boundaries.
Your situation has many differences from mine. You are both much much younger, your partner is a recovering alcoholic, and you haven't been together that long yet.
People can exchange addictions - - give up alcohol and take up porn or gambling or even non-stop video games instead.
I'd suggest doing as much reading and research about alcoholism and porn addictions as you can. Learn about what the "red flags" are early in a relationship that trouble is ahead. It is so easy in the early stages of love to put aside your intuition and give someone the benefit of a doubt on behaviors that may be harbingers of trouble.
I'd try to see if I could understand more about how your partner feels about the earlier/other women in his life. In my situation, I realized that using porn was a way of depersonalizing sex, removing the depth of love and expression of connection with another that can come with real emotional and physical intimacy. My husband went on to use porn as a weapon against me, saying I should watch videos so that I could learn how to be a real woman. I don't know if this connection of rage and porn is common to men who use porn, or more exacerbated in my husband's instance.
And, I'd go back and really look at what you guys are fighting about and see what the real dynamics are. As you describe his porn use, he is pretty blatantly and defensively doing what he wants despite your telling him that it hurts you. If the other fights have similarities - where you are protesting over his behavior and he is defending his right to do whatever he wants, then there is a pattern.
What we learn here on the Sober Recovery forum, and through Alanon, is the 3 "c's": you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can do is think through what YOU will live with and what you won't live with and be clear about that, set boundaries, and take the action you said you'd take if your partner breaches them.
You're young, with your whole life ahead of you. If you were my daughter, I'd say think long and hard about what you really want and deserve from a life partner. I wish you all the best in the world, and hope that you'll come back and post as much as you want.
ShootingStar1
It escalated rapidly and badly. He went from looking at internet porn to porn chat rooms to ongoing "relationships" with porn women, to texting them, to web-cams. He became obsessed with this.
Nothing I said made any difference. I told him I would only be in a marriage where I was the only woman; marriage was not, for me, a relationship between one woman, one man, and any number of porn stars. He didn't want to hear it and said it was my fault.
His disrespect for me was profound and immoveable. His rage against me was huge. I told him I would not stay if this continued. I was quietly gathering the papers and things I would need if I left, still hoping that he loved me enough to change but doubting that I could stay.
On July 4th, my credit card company called to have me authorize some transactions they considered suspicious. He had charged $525 to MY credit card to wire transfer money to a porn woman. My credit card company said there were over $1700 of these charges on my card.
I packed what I needed, took my dog, and left within a couple of hours and filed for divorce within the week.
He later said he went crazy for a while, and I think he did. But when I had time on my own, and with the help of this forum, I began to understand that his porn use was directed against me and was another form of abuse and rage against women that went along with many other abusive things he was doing. I looked back at his relationships with other women - his mother, sister, prior wife, and they were fraught with anger and disrespect.
Bigsombrero said the problem starts with your significant other's attitude towards you. You told him you didn't like the porn, and then the next day you woke up to him jerking off right next to you as you slept? That's like pretending you aren't even there. That's a pretty blatant disregard for your boundaries.
Your situation has many differences from mine. You are both much much younger, your partner is a recovering alcoholic, and you haven't been together that long yet.
People can exchange addictions - - give up alcohol and take up porn or gambling or even non-stop video games instead.
I'd suggest doing as much reading and research about alcoholism and porn addictions as you can. Learn about what the "red flags" are early in a relationship that trouble is ahead. It is so easy in the early stages of love to put aside your intuition and give someone the benefit of a doubt on behaviors that may be harbingers of trouble.
I'd try to see if I could understand more about how your partner feels about the earlier/other women in his life. In my situation, I realized that using porn was a way of depersonalizing sex, removing the depth of love and expression of connection with another that can come with real emotional and physical intimacy. My husband went on to use porn as a weapon against me, saying I should watch videos so that I could learn how to be a real woman. I don't know if this connection of rage and porn is common to men who use porn, or more exacerbated in my husband's instance.
And, I'd go back and really look at what you guys are fighting about and see what the real dynamics are. As you describe his porn use, he is pretty blatantly and defensively doing what he wants despite your telling him that it hurts you. If the other fights have similarities - where you are protesting over his behavior and he is defending his right to do whatever he wants, then there is a pattern.
What we learn here on the Sober Recovery forum, and through Alanon, is the 3 "c's": you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can do is think through what YOU will live with and what you won't live with and be clear about that, set boundaries, and take the action you said you'd take if your partner breaches them.
You're young, with your whole life ahead of you. If you were my daughter, I'd say think long and hard about what you really want and deserve from a life partner. I wish you all the best in the world, and hope that you'll come back and post as much as you want.
ShootingStar1
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Duh? A HUGE red flag that he,s lying next to her doing that.
Originally Posted by Crazed
At the risk of being flamed, I cannot surmise from the initial post that this guy is a "porn addict." He got horny, fired up the porn and rubbed one out. Without starting a religious riot, I personally see nothing "abnormal" about it.... EXCEPT for the fact that he did it in bed next to you. I would say that is NOT normal. Some things deserve privacy, and this is one of them.
Regarding choosing porn over you, that is a different issue altogether. And if his watching of porn is unacceptable to you, then that is another issue to deal with.
Either way, I wish you luck.
Regarding choosing porn over you, that is a different issue altogether. And if his watching of porn is unacceptable to you, then that is another issue to deal with.
Either way, I wish you luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You are not wrong to be upset and you are not over reacting. We all have boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable in our lives and relationships. The trouble starts when we don't respect our own boundaries. Listen to your gut, it's telling you this isn't what you want in a relationship. The fact that he would do this lying right next to you is a HUGE red flag. Addicts can often trade one addiction for another, and in any active addiction you're going to take a back seat. You're young...is this what you want long term in your life? If your best friend came to you with this situation, what advice would you give her? You are single, and waaaay too young to get caught up with a partner who has addiction issues. Don't allow someone else to make you feel bad for your values and boundaries. If it's not okay with you.....it's not okay.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Looking at porn isn't abnormal. Ignoring your partner's needs and expectations while she's begging you for a resolution IS abnormal. It's also disrespectful, selfish, and mean.
Porn in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's easier to take care of the physical need with some visual stimulation instead of having to deal with another person's needs and expectations in that moment. BUT, when avoiding your partner's needs and expectations becomes the norm, you've crossed a major line.
In my experience, once this argument has been breached, it's better to cut things off and find a new partner. He's got some things he needs to deal with, and these are problems you don't want him to work out on your self-esteem. That's me, and what I know is that this problem I had with my ex is still happening a decade later in his marriage. Food for thought.
Porn in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's easier to take care of the physical need with some visual stimulation instead of having to deal with another person's needs and expectations in that moment. BUT, when avoiding your partner's needs and expectations becomes the norm, you've crossed a major line.
In my experience, once this argument has been breached, it's better to cut things off and find a new partner. He's got some things he needs to deal with, and these are problems you don't want him to work out on your self-esteem. That's me, and what I know is that this problem I had with my ex is still happening a decade later in his marriage. Food for thought.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
One side of me says that I should have not been upset and tried to talk about it in a loving way, but the other says I have the right to be upset and it is strange that he reacted with such utter defensiveness, instead of trying to see why it upset me so much. I have dealt with situations in the past with him, where he has said very volatile things, and later regretted them. He has expressed that such outbursts happen when he is not working the program... but I would think that since he is so aware of his alcoholic tendencies, it would seem clearer to him that he is choosing porn and jerking off to having sex with me. I am not sure if it is unfair of me to apply alcoholic behavior to this type of situation, but such denial and defensiveness sounds so familiar to me.
... sometimes i feel that no relationship will ever be perfect, and other times i feel robbed of having a peaceful relationship with someone.
Anonj, in the first paragraph that I quoted above, you are weighing and measuring whether your reactions are reasonable and warranted by comparing them to what your partner says your reactions SHOULD be. In other words, HIS standard of what is acceptable behavior becomes YOUR standard of measurement.
For me, I slid way deep into letting my AH's perception of the way the world should be become MY perception of the way the world should be. I let that rob me, more and more, as the years went on, of believing in my own feelings and thoughts. I let myself become subordinate to my AH, and I had been, and am again, a very independent, successful woman in my own right. In order to believe him, I had to doubt my own perceptions and feelings.
I'd suggest that you spend some time alone, maybe a pleasant cafe with a tall cup of coffee, and take a piece of paper. Write what YOU want in a relationship, what YOU want for your future life. The key here is to do this totally without thinking about your current partner at all. He is not in the picture. Aliens have captured him for the time it takes you to drink that coffee. Write only what you want for you.
Then, with the second cup of coffee, draw a line down the middle of another page and write on one half what positive things you are getting from this relationship, and what the negative parts are on the other half of the page. You've mentioned some of them above, including the volatility of his emotions.
Make the assumption that the relationship you have now with your partner is the most likely trajectory for the future with him. In other words, it will be like this, or it will escalate further into these kinds of behavior. His actions, so far, show his intent to continue his current behaviors.
Then compare the two pages.
This will start to get you out of looking at your future in the context of his behavior. That will start to get you back into having some perspective on what is going on, and what you want to go on.
That may help you figure out whether you are being robbed of a peaceful relationship, whether you can expect and choose a more peaceful relationship than this one, or whether this is what you want.
Take care,
ShootingStar1
... sometimes i feel that no relationship will ever be perfect, and other times i feel robbed of having a peaceful relationship with someone.
Anonj, in the first paragraph that I quoted above, you are weighing and measuring whether your reactions are reasonable and warranted by comparing them to what your partner says your reactions SHOULD be. In other words, HIS standard of what is acceptable behavior becomes YOUR standard of measurement.
For me, I slid way deep into letting my AH's perception of the way the world should be become MY perception of the way the world should be. I let that rob me, more and more, as the years went on, of believing in my own feelings and thoughts. I let myself become subordinate to my AH, and I had been, and am again, a very independent, successful woman in my own right. In order to believe him, I had to doubt my own perceptions and feelings.
I'd suggest that you spend some time alone, maybe a pleasant cafe with a tall cup of coffee, and take a piece of paper. Write what YOU want in a relationship, what YOU want for your future life. The key here is to do this totally without thinking about your current partner at all. He is not in the picture. Aliens have captured him for the time it takes you to drink that coffee. Write only what you want for you.
Then, with the second cup of coffee, draw a line down the middle of another page and write on one half what positive things you are getting from this relationship, and what the negative parts are on the other half of the page. You've mentioned some of them above, including the volatility of his emotions.
Make the assumption that the relationship you have now with your partner is the most likely trajectory for the future with him. In other words, it will be like this, or it will escalate further into these kinds of behavior. His actions, so far, show his intent to continue his current behaviors.
Then compare the two pages.
This will start to get you out of looking at your future in the context of his behavior. That will start to get you back into having some perspective on what is going on, and what you want to go on.
That may help you figure out whether you are being robbed of a peaceful relationship, whether you can expect and choose a more peaceful relationship than this one, or whether this is what you want.
Take care,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow - some very good advice and suggestions here already. To add my 2 cents...or maybe just 1 cent here... the fact that he responded with "utter defensiveness" should be a big red flag (which I am assuming it is, using your words here). And that he has had "volatile" outbursts in the relationship already, that he regretted later. These are signs of a man who doesn't yet have a firm grip on his emotions and thoughts. He has a ways to go before he's going to be mature enough to handle the normal conflicts of intimacy. I wish I had paid attention to these very red flags early on in my relationship with an A.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I am sorry- My AH who is not longer living with me - would cut backon alcohol and or weed and up the porn addiction. He would chat with women on my business computer after being asked not to as it could compromise my files and he still did it. When I questioned him he lost his mind but continued. What I found was that because he surfed porn so much - or maybe before - I don't know - he was not emotional at all with me- it was about his needs (selfish) and me doing what he wanted only - even if it hurt - now I would tell him it hurt and stop and he would get pissed which I could care less about. He got so involved in it - I was just a stand in porn star there to fulfill his needs. Oh god - I think I threw up in my mouth - I need to go gargle. Hang in there!
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