recovering alcoholics and porn
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
Has he ever been in a relationship where he was turned down by his partner regularly for sex? Regardless of you not feeling like you have denied him, he could be feeling like you are....even if its not real. The good news is he has a good sex drive.
Maybe he doesn't feel worthy? Could be some codependent behavior mixed in there.
I have issues, that's why I bring this up.
Maybe he doesn't feel worthy? Could be some codependent behavior mixed in there.
I have issues, that's why I bring this up.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by anonj 
i have been dating a recovering alcoholic for the past 9 months. we are deeply in love with eachother and very committed. he has been so open about his recovery, and we are both very committed to self growth. we do fight, but we always come out on the other side with lessons gains and a better understanding of ourselves, and how we can improve.
a few months ago, i discovered that he had been watching porn after i went to sleep. i was extremely upset, and he was angry about my reaction, and i eventually sort of dropped it. he said that i had fallen asleep and then he got horny, so he had to do something about it. the other night i dozed off during a movie, and woke up to him right next to me in bed, jerking off to porn. i was extremely upset and he would not respond. the next day i told him that i was willing to talk to him in a constructive way about it, but that if he felt this was normal, it was not something that i am willing or able to live with. he responded in a very hostile way, and told me there is nothing wrong with him, and he is insulted that i was insinuate that. i am beside myself, terrified, because he is telling me that all that happened is he got turned on after i fell asleep, and that's all it was. i understand that men watch porn and pleasure themselves, and that does not bother me. but we are in our twenties and already only having sex once a week, at most. in the beginning he was so interested sexually with me. but he is watching porn more than we have sex, and to do that right next to me instead of wanting me and trying to wake me up.......... i don't know what to think, or do, or say, i just feel crushed. i do not know if this is related to alcoholic behaviors, or if i am completely overreacting.
a few months ago, i discovered that he had been watching porn after i went to sleep. i was extremely upset, and he was angry about my reaction, and i eventually sort of dropped it. he said that i had fallen asleep and then he got horny, so he had to do something about it. the other night i dozed off during a movie, and woke up to him right next to me in bed, jerking off to porn. i was extremely upset and he would not respond. the next day i told him that i was willing to talk to him in a constructive way about it, but that if he felt this was normal, it was not something that i am willing or able to live with. he responded in a very hostile way, and told me there is nothing wrong with him, and he is insulted that i was insinuate that. i am beside myself, terrified, because he is telling me that all that happened is he got turned on after i fell asleep, and that's all it was. i understand that men watch porn and pleasure themselves, and that does not bother me. but we are in our twenties and already only having sex once a week, at most. in the beginning he was so interested sexually with me. but he is watching porn more than we have sex, and to do that right next to me instead of wanting me and trying to wake me up.......... i don't know what to think, or do, or say, i just feel crushed. i do not know if this is related to alcoholic behaviors, or if i am completely overreacting.
I'm new here and reading this was so overwhelmingly painful because I am in the exact same boat. My live-in bf of 1.5yrs is 7yrs sober from alcohol/drugs and we love each other very much. I didn't exactly know what I was up against when we started dating but he was honest with me about his alcohol/drug abuse in the past. I thought being sober meant he was okay now. He has a great support system from his family and friends, who I all get along with. We moved in together 9 months into the relationship and we have a mutual agreement that we would like to get married in the near future, try having a baby, buy a house - things about the future a normal couple in a loving and committed relationship would talk about. We share a lot of things in common and on the surface, everything seems to be "normal" until intimacy comes into play.
The first three months of dating, I learned he had most of the qualities I'm looking for. He was also very affectionate and sexual until after the third month.
COMMUNICATION became difficult. At the sign of me talking about how I feel, he shuts down or becomes defensive and rude. It's hard to have a heart to heart talk with him because it always ends up in a fight or him walking out or turning the lights off to go to bed on me. He feels more comfortable talking about last night the following day on IM while we're at work. It feels like that wall between us is getting taller and wider each day. When we don't have to have feelings involved, we're okay. But I feel empty knowing that he loves me dearly but has a hard time connecting to me in a deeper level.
SEX has become more of an obligation for him to me, at least that's how it feels like. I tried many times to ignore how bad it feels and even accused myself of being too needy but when I see him look forward to pleasing himself in front of the computer MORE than being intimate with me, I feel crushed. He would constantly download and watch porn, on his cell and laptop, when he thinks I'm not looking or I'm asleep. There have been many occasions when I was shot down because he had already "gotten one out" earlier that day or he's tired. He claims he was prescribed medication for ED (erectile dysfunction) that was a result of the many years of drinking and drug abuse. But it makes me wonder why he has to take it EVERY time we are about to have sex but NEVER when he watches porn. These days, I work around his "schedule" in order to have my needs met. I also feel the need to let him know in advance WHEN I want it so that he doesn't pleasure himself before-hand. No more spontaneity whatsoever.
PHYSICAL intimacy like touching and cuddling is also a challenge. He's not as affectionate as when I first met him. Any form of touching or holding each other makes him uncomfortable and always pulls away almost immediately. Foreplay no longer involved kissing. At least two minutes of cuddling after sex is something I need to ask for.
I'm afraid that he could be sober but manifesting his addictions on other things like porn and video games (which he spends countless hours on, on a daily basis). I'm scared that he could relapse or could already be relapsing in these other forms of addictions. I'm afraid that these addictions are keeping our relationship from growing. Funny thing is, he's narcissistic enough to say that he's done NOTHING WRONG - consistently in every fight.
I am definitely going to attend an AL-ANON meeting but I am so confused and deeply saddened right now. I am overwhelmed with emotions that it's paralyzing. I love him very much and I have no doubt that he loves me too. But all of the above kills all the excitement I have for the future that we want together. I know what I need to do but I can't tell him what to do (or it will just end up in a fight). How do we move forward as a couple in order for us to maintain a healthy, loving, and committed relationship?
I feel so helpless.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Btw, he's 37 (never been married) while I'm 39 and was married once for 15 years. He has stopped attending meetings and it's been at least a year since he talked to his sponsor. When we had a fight about not being able to communicate, he acknowledged that it may be about time to contact his sponsor and discuss the "walls" he's built. It's been two weeks and I've only asked about it once, he just said he hasn't forgotten.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7
Oh and on top of taking an ED pill before sex, he MUST watch/look at porn on his laptop/phone by himself, as if he's hiding something. When he's in front of his laptop, he acts so guilty and makes sure I don't see what he's doing - which I found so strange in the beginning.
Am I going crazy?
Am I going crazy?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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Originally Posted by chugbottle
Oh and on top of taking an ED pill before sex, he MUST watch/look at porn on his laptop/phone by himself, as if he's hiding something. When he's in front of his laptop, he acts so guilty and makes sure I don't see what he's doing - which I found so strange in the beginning.
Am I going crazy?
Am I going crazy?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But I feel empty knowing that he loves me dearly but has a hard time connecting to me in a deeper level.
what actions do you base this knowledge and surety that he LOVES you dearly upon?
inability and unwillingness to communicate effectively?
obsession with porn and self pleasuring?
lack of desire to have sex with you?
needing ED pills to get the job done?
lack of any affection?
in fact seeming AVERSION to any forms of affection?
apparently white knuckling in more ways than one?
what's left? what are you getting out of this? what's the trade off?
sounds like he set the trap for three months, then once you were hooked HE QUIT.
what actions do you base this knowledge and surety that he LOVES you dearly upon?
inability and unwillingness to communicate effectively?
obsession with porn and self pleasuring?
lack of desire to have sex with you?
needing ED pills to get the job done?
lack of any affection?
in fact seeming AVERSION to any forms of affection?
apparently white knuckling in more ways than one?
what's left? what are you getting out of this? what's the trade off?
sounds like he set the trap for three months, then once you were hooked HE QUIT.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
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There is some very interesting research in this area. Watching porn and masturbating makes is harder and longer (no pun intended) to become aroused in real life. There are groups for people trying to quit specifically to reclaim their natural libido. There is information on the effects here: Your Brain On Porn Series: Porn Addiction | Your Brain On Porn
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No-but if you continue with him you probably will.
Originally Posted by chugbottle
Oh and on top of taking an ED pill before sex, he MUST watch/look at porn on his laptop/phone by himself, as if he's hiding something. When he's in front of his laptop, he acts so guilty and makes sure I don't see what he's doing - which I found so strange in the beginning.
Am I going crazy?
Am I going crazy?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7
AnvilheadII - I know the person himself loves me, I feel it...he tells me all the time. Not sure if he's in love with me because I've never heard him express himself that way because of his inability to communicate. What I'm wondering is if the disease is keeping him from truly being intimate with me in all levels which results to an inadequacy in the relationship. You have very very valid points, and in all honesty, they made me cringe.
But what's the whole purpose of setting the trap and quitting? Is he just waiting for me to give up so he can find someone new to go through with this over again?
But what's the whole purpose of setting the trap and quitting? Is he just waiting for me to give up so he can find someone new to go through with this over again?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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If you want more information about narcissism, and my AH was diagnosed as narcissistic by a psychiatrist, I agree with Manmust that the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is a fabulous book. Shocked me when I read it, as if the author had been peering in my living room window.
Also google "Sam Vaknin and narcissism". Sam Vaknin is himself a narcissist, and since he can't cure himself, he makes videos from the narcissists' point of view. Also quite enlightening. I posted this once, and someone here chastised me because Vakin was not a psychiatrist, he was a narcissist. To me, that is precisely the reason these videos are so accurate. He knows what he's talking about.
Narcissism is a focus on self to the exclusion of anyone else's needs and feelings. The narcissist doesn't really feel empathy, and is focused on power and control for themselves, regardless of the outcome for others. They often start a relationship with a grand romantic courtship where their partner is on the highest pedestal in the world, cherished, pampered, revered. Then the hook is set, the partner is caught, and the need for all that hulabaloo about love is lessened, and the game shifts to control and dominance. They feel better by making someone else feel worse. In their world there isn't enough good feeling for both of you. They aggrandize themselves by demeaning you. Since they can't bear to be less than perfect in their own eyes, they deflect any criticism or disagreement and blame someone else. Usually you.
Lots of alcoholics become narcissistic in their behavior because of the demands of their progressing disease: they HAVE to have alcohol, and securing it becomes their primary focus for survival. On the other hand, some people are narcissists first, and may also become alcoholics and that is double trouble, at least from my experience with my STBXAH. It can be very blatant, or very subtle. In my case, my AH gradually moved me away from friends and family, and I am became very isolated geographically, physically, and emotionally. Nothing is their fault, therefore, as time goes on, everything is your fault. And eventually, I started to believe it.
Anyway, for me, his porn addiction was at the end part of the package, and it was the total deal breaker. When I got away from that, with time, and a lot of help from SR, I began to see how deeply I had sunk. Now, after almost 8 months away, I am getting free. I am finding me again.
What you are both talking about are, to me, very big red flags, waving pretty hard. I'd take some real time and a long hard look, all from your own perspective and your own best interest, and see if this is what you want. Especially since neither of these guys see anything wrong with what they are doing.
It took me a long time to really get these ideas. And for me, they apply to my marriage and my husband. So, come here as often as you want and post and sort it out for you and your situation.
ShootingStar1
Also google "Sam Vaknin and narcissism". Sam Vaknin is himself a narcissist, and since he can't cure himself, he makes videos from the narcissists' point of view. Also quite enlightening. I posted this once, and someone here chastised me because Vakin was not a psychiatrist, he was a narcissist. To me, that is precisely the reason these videos are so accurate. He knows what he's talking about.
Narcissism is a focus on self to the exclusion of anyone else's needs and feelings. The narcissist doesn't really feel empathy, and is focused on power and control for themselves, regardless of the outcome for others. They often start a relationship with a grand romantic courtship where their partner is on the highest pedestal in the world, cherished, pampered, revered. Then the hook is set, the partner is caught, and the need for all that hulabaloo about love is lessened, and the game shifts to control and dominance. They feel better by making someone else feel worse. In their world there isn't enough good feeling for both of you. They aggrandize themselves by demeaning you. Since they can't bear to be less than perfect in their own eyes, they deflect any criticism or disagreement and blame someone else. Usually you.
Lots of alcoholics become narcissistic in their behavior because of the demands of their progressing disease: they HAVE to have alcohol, and securing it becomes their primary focus for survival. On the other hand, some people are narcissists first, and may also become alcoholics and that is double trouble, at least from my experience with my STBXAH. It can be very blatant, or very subtle. In my case, my AH gradually moved me away from friends and family, and I am became very isolated geographically, physically, and emotionally. Nothing is their fault, therefore, as time goes on, everything is your fault. And eventually, I started to believe it.
Anyway, for me, his porn addiction was at the end part of the package, and it was the total deal breaker. When I got away from that, with time, and a lot of help from SR, I began to see how deeply I had sunk. Now, after almost 8 months away, I am getting free. I am finding me again.
What you are both talking about are, to me, very big red flags, waving pretty hard. I'd take some real time and a long hard look, all from your own perspective and your own best interest, and see if this is what you want. Especially since neither of these guys see anything wrong with what they are doing.
It took me a long time to really get these ideas. And for me, they apply to my marriage and my husband. So, come here as often as you want and post and sort it out for you and your situation.
ShootingStar1
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by chugbottle
AnvilheadII - I know the person himself loves me, I feel it...he tells me all the time.
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jazzfish - I read somewhere that typically an addict chooses to be in a relationship with someone who is "safe" and for me, what you said is exactly what the definition of it is. It's really sad.
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Originally Posted by chugbottle
jazzfish - I read somewhere that typically an addict chooses to be in a relationship with someone who is "safe" and for me, what you said is exactly what the definition of it is. It's really sad.
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safe = passive, yielding, gullible, overly supportive, willing to share financial resources, glad to get crumbs off the table rather than the whole meal....an enabler...one who in spite of all the horrid things I've done TO them still thinks I am a wonderful person....one who is appeased by may saying the word LOVE without any action or effort on my part to actually demonstrate that I care.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: DC
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I ask b/c I dated a recovering addict too and someone told me that my ex was attracted to me b/c I was a "safe". I tried researching what that meant with no luck. I read a lot of whats posted on Sober Recovery and its helped me immensly but this is the first time I've come across it mentioned in the same context.
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