snowfall

I bumped into my ex a few days ago and it has really upset me and brought back some painful memories. He told me he has lost his job, has been in hospital for 2 months with 7 gastric ulcers and looked thin, broken and very ill. We have a 3 year old son together but divorced about 2 years ago after his alcoholism ripped our marriage apart. He was drinking about three quarters of a litre of neat vodka a day. The bus came so we couldnt talk for long. Our son is asking about his daddy, the daddy he has never known and at a human/ compassionate level seeing my ex again made me drop him an email asking if he wanted to meet for a coffee. I havent heard back from him (over 24 hours has now elapsed). I suspect he no longer has broadband. The question is should i slip a note throught the door? I couldnt live with myself if he died in his flat and i did nothing. What should i do? I am anxious about the consequences of opening up a dialogue with him again but i feel i owe it to our son to establish an arms length friendship?

LexieCat

You are divorced. Maybe he doesn't WANT to go for coffee. Respect that.

You have moved on. There is nothing to be gained by seeing him. And putting him back in your son's life would not do your son any good.

It's sad to see someone destroying themselves, but there is nothing we can do to stop it.

dollydo

IMO you owe it to your son to not expose him to a person who has addiction issues. There is a world of difference between being a sperm doner and being a father.

I am not trying to sound harsh, however, I see nothing positive coming out of this venture.

You cannot save him, he has made his choices in life, there is no reason to feel guilty about anything. Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that keeps us stuck.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs...also, if you have not done so attend Alanon meetings and get yourself a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

You got your son out of the mess, don't put him back into it.

snowfall

Thank you both. You are so matter of fact and clear sighted.

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more. I can tell you that my youngest daughter's "sperm donor" was 13 years clean/sober when I got pregnant, and he's now over 37 years without drinking (and involved in AA). He couldn't have cared less about the baby because he wasn't sure "if it was his." I'm sure there are many women who have heard that.

That pretty well put the final nail in the coffin for me in regard to that relationship. Of course she was his, and the paternity test proved that. He didn't even know I had a girl, and he didn't know her name till he got the paternity results.

His income taxes were garnished almost every year due to inconsistent child support.

When my daughter was 8, she started asking about her dad. I never spoke poorly of him in front of her. I made the decision to contact him to see if he had any interest in getting to know his daughter (he only lived/lives 35 miles from us). He was all gung ho and then that fizzled out within a year.

She has had a lot of pain from having a non-participatory father, and I do regret making that decision to contact him, but what is done is done.