my wife is hiding and lying about alcohol
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ny
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my wife is hiding and lying about alcohol
Hi,
I am new to this site. I've been reading through it and it seems pretty helpful. Here's my story......
My wife was diagnosed with anxiety about a year ago. Her Dr. put her on medication and nothing was working. I suggested that she stop drinking and try to let the meds work. She agreed and I thought she stopped because she seemed to be getting better. Then I found out she was still drinking. She has 4-6 beers a night or a bottle of wine. Recently she has moved on to vodka. She drinks when I'm at work and the kids are at school. She wraps the bottles in paper towels so I don't see them in the garbage. All of our fights are about her drinking because she swears that she is not drinking and then tells me I'm controlling. She lies to my face about this. That hurts real bad. I don't know why she is drinking and hiding it from me. Is it me, the kids, the anxiety?? I am now just watching she self destruct and not fighting about it. It's driving me nuts cause she's my wife and I love her to death but I don't know what's going on in her mind. She is locking me out. I'm so sad! She goes to a therapist and lies to her too. I want to tell her whats going on but im afraid she will tell my wife and she might leave me bAny advice on how to handle this situation.
I am new to this site. I've been reading through it and it seems pretty helpful. Here's my story......
My wife was diagnosed with anxiety about a year ago. Her Dr. put her on medication and nothing was working. I suggested that she stop drinking and try to let the meds work. She agreed and I thought she stopped because she seemed to be getting better. Then I found out she was still drinking. She has 4-6 beers a night or a bottle of wine. Recently she has moved on to vodka. She drinks when I'm at work and the kids are at school. She wraps the bottles in paper towels so I don't see them in the garbage. All of our fights are about her drinking because she swears that she is not drinking and then tells me I'm controlling. She lies to my face about this. That hurts real bad. I don't know why she is drinking and hiding it from me. Is it me, the kids, the anxiety?? I am now just watching she self destruct and not fighting about it. It's driving me nuts cause she's my wife and I love her to death but I don't know what's going on in her mind. She is locking me out. I'm so sad! She goes to a therapist and lies to her too. I want to tell her whats going on but im afraid she will tell my wife and she might leave me bAny advice on how to handle this situation.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would get myself to Alanon meetings, read the stickeys st the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.
There are no easy answers as to why she does what she does. The bottom line is that she has a disease, a nasty one that has no cure. Alcoholics drink because that's what they do. They lie to protect their "first love" their DOC.
Learn all you can about alcoholism and start to work on you, she is an adult, she will do what she will do.
There are no easy answers as to why she does what she does. The bottom line is that she has a disease, a nasty one that has no cure. Alcoholics drink because that's what they do. They lie to protect their "first love" their DOC.
Learn all you can about alcoholism and start to work on you, she is an adult, she will do what she will do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Sadspouse.
Alcoholism is baffling and cunning. Lying is all part of the addiction, and know that she is lying to herself first and foremost. The "why's?" of it all don't matter...in the end it is what it is.
Read about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good book to start with. You (and her kids and her anxiety) don't cause her to drink. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. So what if she lies to your face while there are bottles wrapped in paper towels in the garbage? Doesn't change the fact that she is drinking. What if she told you the truth? What is she said she has no intention of stopping anytime soon? Because without saying the words, her actions are telling you exactly that. The only person who has a problem with her drinking is you.
So that leaves you to decide what you can and can't live with. And education can help you learn to live with whatever the outcome of this is. Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back.
~T
Alcoholism is baffling and cunning. Lying is all part of the addiction, and know that she is lying to herself first and foremost. The "why's?" of it all don't matter...in the end it is what it is.
Read about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good book to start with. You (and her kids and her anxiety) don't cause her to drink. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. So what if she lies to your face while there are bottles wrapped in paper towels in the garbage? Doesn't change the fact that she is drinking. What if she told you the truth? What is she said she has no intention of stopping anytime soon? Because without saying the words, her actions are telling you exactly that. The only person who has a problem with her drinking is you.
So that leaves you to decide what you can and can't live with. And education can help you learn to live with whatever the outcome of this is. Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back.
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
This is all too familiar. My husband has anxiety & depression. Has been avoiding dealing with issues for years. Used other things to escape from them & to numb himself before he turned to alcohol. The last 2-3 years has been hell. Filled with lying, sneaking alcohol into the house, hiding it, sneaking it out of the house, fake dumping alcohol down the sink in a dramatic show & then shoving the bottle down his pants when he thought I wasn't looking, etc.
It took me a long while, but I finally am learning that I can't control it. I can't make him not drink and I can't fix him. I couldn't change him. But I could change *me*. So I started to do that. I'm still working on it, but shedding my caretaker nature is hard. I'm peeling off one layer at a time and trying to find ME again. I suppose I'm somewhat lucky in that my AH voluntarily went to rehab at the end of last month. I can't say that he made that decision because of me, but I feel that if I hadn't changed and hadn't stopped enabling and supporting him in his alcoholism, things would be different right now. The more I focus on me, the better I feel. When I don't focus on me, I start to crack & crumble. I can't be supportive of my AH in his sobriety & recovery if I don't take good care of myself.
I don't have a ton of advice to offer - I'm so new to the healing process myself. I just wanted to share & to let you know that you're not alone. There are so many others here who have gone through and are still going through the same pain. Just know that you have support and that you need to remember to take care of you.
It took me a long while, but I finally am learning that I can't control it. I can't make him not drink and I can't fix him. I couldn't change him. But I could change *me*. So I started to do that. I'm still working on it, but shedding my caretaker nature is hard. I'm peeling off one layer at a time and trying to find ME again. I suppose I'm somewhat lucky in that my AH voluntarily went to rehab at the end of last month. I can't say that he made that decision because of me, but I feel that if I hadn't changed and hadn't stopped enabling and supporting him in his alcoholism, things would be different right now. The more I focus on me, the better I feel. When I don't focus on me, I start to crack & crumble. I can't be supportive of my AH in his sobriety & recovery if I don't take good care of myself.
I don't have a ton of advice to offer - I'm so new to the healing process myself. I just wanted to share & to let you know that you're not alone. There are so many others here who have gone through and are still going through the same pain. Just know that you have support and that you need to remember to take care of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I'm really sorry sadspouse.
My ex husband is an alcoholic.
I used to take his continued drinking and lying about it personally.
What I've learned is that my exah didn't do these things to me...he just did them because he is an alcoholic and drinking and lying about it or denial are at the core of the problem.
You didn't cause her drinking.
You can't control her drinking.
And you can't cure it.
There is nothing you can say or do to make her stop or realize that she has a problem one minute sooner than she is ready. If you read enough of the threads here at SR, you'll see that many of us did alot of really insane things trying to get the alcohlic to stop. It just doesn't work like that. Unless and until she decides that her drinking is a problem she won't do anything to address it. But that doesn't mean there isn't anything you can do. You can work in fixing the only peron you have control over and that is YOU. Al anon is a huge help. It literally saved my life.
Keep posting.
Keep reading.
Try to find an al anon meeting if you can.
My ex husband is an alcoholic.
I used to take his continued drinking and lying about it personally.
What I've learned is that my exah didn't do these things to me...he just did them because he is an alcoholic and drinking and lying about it or denial are at the core of the problem.
You didn't cause her drinking.
You can't control her drinking.
And you can't cure it.
There is nothing you can say or do to make her stop or realize that she has a problem one minute sooner than she is ready. If you read enough of the threads here at SR, you'll see that many of us did alot of really insane things trying to get the alcohlic to stop. It just doesn't work like that. Unless and until she decides that her drinking is a problem she won't do anything to address it. But that doesn't mean there isn't anything you can do. You can work in fixing the only peron you have control over and that is YOU. Al anon is a huge help. It literally saved my life.
Keep posting.
Keep reading.
Try to find an al anon meeting if you can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Why is she drinking? It's not because of you, kids, anxiety, etc. She drinks because she has the disease of alcoholism. It is cunning and baffling. She will lie, hide, manipulate to drink. It is a progressive disease, which your wife is exhibiting by now moving on to vodka. Until she decides for herself to get help, there is little you can do. It is her decision. What you CAN do is take care of you and your children. Find an AlAnon meeting, and learn from other's who have walked your walk.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You have to go to Al-Anon, as others suggested. No excuses. If you are serious about influencing the direction of your wife's drinking, go to Al-Anon. There you will learn about everything you are doing which is enabling her and contributing to the problem and not to the solution. Enablers help alcoholics avoid the necessary misery that leads to recovery. You love her, you want to protect her and--this is the serious hook--you are afraid to set boundaries about her drinking because you are afraid she will LEAVE YOU. If you operate from that place of fear, you can be assured she will control you and your household with her drunks, her resentments, her threats, and her accusations about you trying to "control" HER.
So, Al-Anon, the reading materials mentioned in the previous posts, a look at chapters Two and Three of the AA Big Book online (www.aabigbookonline.org) and the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
Alcoholism causes anxiety and it causes depression. Alcoholism is the root of her ailments, the root of her lies, her mood swings, and her arrogance.
Recovery for the alcoholic usually begins first with recovery in the spouse. So get to Al-Anon, go 1-3 times a week, get a sponsor, and get to work.
Do not believe her when she tells you the children are safe with her, or tells you she will never drive drunk with the children in the car, or that she is drinking only at night, or on Sunday afternoons, or only x amount. She will consistently con you on all those matters. That is what alcoholics do.
We are glad you found the forum. Your recovery is vital to your family's future and your children's safety and well-being.
So, Al-Anon, the reading materials mentioned in the previous posts, a look at chapters Two and Three of the AA Big Book online (www.aabigbookonline.org) and the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
Alcoholism causes anxiety and it causes depression. Alcoholism is the root of her ailments, the root of her lies, her mood swings, and her arrogance.
Recovery for the alcoholic usually begins first with recovery in the spouse. So get to Al-Anon, go 1-3 times a week, get a sponsor, and get to work.
Do not believe her when she tells you the children are safe with her, or tells you she will never drive drunk with the children in the car, or that she is drinking only at night, or on Sunday afternoons, or only x amount. She will consistently con you on all those matters. That is what alcoholics do.
We are glad you found the forum. Your recovery is vital to your family's future and your children's safety and well-being.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by Sadspouse 
She lies to my face about this. That hurts real bad... She goes to a therapist and lies to her too. I want to tell her whats going on but im afraid she will tell my wife and she might leave me bAny advice on how to handle this situation.
I happen to know my partner has lied to his therapist too, which was almost as upsetting as when he lies to me. Maybe even more. I can only be certain of one silly and pointless lie (pretending to be sick and couldn't make his appointment as he was too busy with work), but it's enough to make me certain he's lying while there too. I am also curious to hear what other posters think about telling the therapist about the lies. My gut instinct tells me to stay out of it... that it is not my job to interfere and that the therapist should be clued in to the nature of the alcoholic enough to see through the lies.
Either way, stay connected with the people on this site as there is a lot of support here. Best of luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
When the alcoholic turns to hard alcohol it is usually a sign that the disease has progressed. Vodka seems to be the choice of many serious alcoholics. If she is taking a benzo type anti-anxiety medication than she is getting drunk very quickly. It can be a dangerous mix.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well-trained therapists (and not all of them are) are very much aware of the fact that alcoholics and addicts lie and distort. They do not take their answers as honest and truthful. I would stay out of the therapeutic relationship unless the therapist reaches out to you for input.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Attending Al-Anon will help you save your sanity, address your sadness, and that you and the kids don't cause her behavior. You will be welcomed there.
Mixing alcohol and anxiety meds is extremely dangerous. Her drinking and maintaining may very well cause the anxiety.
Many doctors won't prescribe psych meds unless the person has been abstinent for one month. Not all, but I think it's a good rule. The body and mind need to settle down.
Mixing alcohol and anxiety meds is extremely dangerous. Her drinking and maintaining may very well cause the anxiety.
Many doctors won't prescribe psych meds unless the person has been abstinent for one month. Not all, but I think it's a good rule. The body and mind need to settle down.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Sadspouse- I was exactly where you were 13 years ago. EXAG moved from beer to wine, then Vodka. While I thought we had an honest and open relationship back then, I was slapped in the face with the lies to cover up and deny the drinking. She would look me right in the eyes, swear on the lives of her children, swear on her mothers grave, etc. i was shocked, as I have never experienced such blatant lying, and really couldn't comprehend how someone could do that.
She, as well as other alcoholics, have masted the art if lying and manipulation. As long as your wife is active in her disease, she will lie. And it will get worse. I refer to it as the "whammo-surprise factor." You convince yourself it is not that bad. She isn't falling down drunk today. Or you have a nice conversation with her (while sober), and maybe she agrees she should cut back. And she may for a week or a month. Then whammo! You come home and she is passed out drunk. The whammo factors that I have experienced over the years then progressed to DUis, disappearances, affairs, endangering the kids, etc.
You perhaps are questioning yourself about what you can do to control the situation, or help her, or reason with her, etc. You can do nothing but take care of yourself and kids, and keep them out of danger.
Up until 2 weeks ago, my EXAG was lying to therapist, AA sponsor, family, and all around her. She was deep in her disease, and is now struggling with the consequences of what her drinking has caused- issues with work, loss of license, damaged relationships, financial consequences, etc.
So as to not be all gloom-and-doom, there is hope for her. But only when SHE understands and embraces that she is an alcoholic and seeks out recovery. There are many success stories on this board.
She, as well as other alcoholics, have masted the art if lying and manipulation. As long as your wife is active in her disease, she will lie. And it will get worse. I refer to it as the "whammo-surprise factor." You convince yourself it is not that bad. She isn't falling down drunk today. Or you have a nice conversation with her (while sober), and maybe she agrees she should cut back. And she may for a week or a month. Then whammo! You come home and she is passed out drunk. The whammo factors that I have experienced over the years then progressed to DUis, disappearances, affairs, endangering the kids, etc.
You perhaps are questioning yourself about what you can do to control the situation, or help her, or reason with her, etc. You can do nothing but take care of yourself and kids, and keep them out of danger.
Up until 2 weeks ago, my EXAG was lying to therapist, AA sponsor, family, and all around her. She was deep in her disease, and is now struggling with the consequences of what her drinking has caused- issues with work, loss of license, damaged relationships, financial consequences, etc.
So as to not be all gloom-and-doom, there is hope for her. But only when SHE understands and embraces that she is an alcoholic and seeks out recovery. There are many success stories on this board.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
My AW claimed about a week ago she quit drinking,,claimed she could quit on her own.After a couple of days I get the old feeling something is just not right. Meanwhile she claims she hasn't been drinking.Today I could do nothing right in her eyes,damn to her I don't even breath right,,seriously! Well when she falls asleep I go back into my codependent crazies and run around and search her car and normal hiding spots,,sure enough I get the same thing my friend,,paper towel wrapped bottles.Alcoholics can't stop on their own.Like a quote from Co Dependent No More "asking an alcoholic not to drink is like asking someone with pneumonia not to cough".Not sure what I am going to do,,actually there is nothing I can do or I would have done it a long time ago.Good luck my friend,,if they want to drink they will.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Not only am I powerless over the alcohol....I am powerless over the alcoholism...Al-Anon has given me a life in which I am addressing my worrying, lack of faith, boundary and barrier issues....that controlled me...these were the things I thought the alcoholic/addict were doing to me....but they results of my decisions and behavior
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear sadspouse, as outonalimb said---She is not lying AT you. She is doing what alcoholics do as they battle with this monster disease inside their brains. The disease is lying to them and distorting their reality--and leading them to do ANYTHING that will protect the ability to do what the disease craves--to continue to drink.
Do not take this personally--that she is doing this DELIBERATELY just to hurt you. She is being an alcoholic. Right now, the alcohol is in control of her.
You can't control the alcoholism---as others have been telling you. And, you didn't cause it.
She will have to get to the point where she WANTS to want recovery (total absitnence and working the steps of recovery). The best thing you can do is get out of her way as she reaches that point.
My above comments are the things I have learned through my own experience and that of others.
sincerely, dandylion
Do not take this personally--that she is doing this DELIBERATELY just to hurt you. She is being an alcoholic. Right now, the alcohol is in control of her.
You can't control the alcoholism---as others have been telling you. And, you didn't cause it.
She will have to get to the point where she WANTS to want recovery (total absitnence and working the steps of recovery). The best thing you can do is get out of her way as she reaches that point.
My above comments are the things I have learned through my own experience and that of others.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear sadspouse, as outonalimb said---She is not lying AT you. She is doing what alcoholics do as they battle with this monster disease inside their brains. The disease is lying to them and distorting their reality--and leading them to do ANYTHING that will protect the ability to do what the disease craves--to continue to drink.
Do not take this personally--that she is doing this DELIBERATELY just to hurt you. She is being an alcoholic. Right now, the alcohol is in control of her.
You can't control the alcoholism---as others have been telling you. And, you didn't cause it.
She will have to get to the point where she WANTS to want recovery (total absitnence and working the steps of recovery). The best thing you can do is get out of her way as she reaches that point.
My above comments are the things I have learned through my own experience and that of others.
sincerely, dandylion
Do not take this personally--that she is doing this DELIBERATELY just to hurt you. She is being an alcoholic. Right now, the alcohol is in control of her.
You can't control the alcoholism---as others have been telling you. And, you didn't cause it.
She will have to get to the point where she WANTS to want recovery (total absitnence and working the steps of recovery). The best thing you can do is get out of her way as she reaches that point.
My above comments are the things I have learned through my own experience and that of others.
sincerely, dandylion
- while the actions have been hurtful, they're not done to deliberately hurt me
- understanding the disease model of alcoholism.
I'm still working on that first part. Letting go and not holding a grudge for what my husband has done/said/not done is hard. But I can't change what's in the past. I can however change how I am and work to be supportive of sobriety & recovery in a healthier way. I know in my head that he hasn't been intentionally hurting me. My heart will take a little longer to catch up with my head though!
On the disease model...the more research I do, the better I understand it. When I had my first session with my husband and his counselors a couple Saturdays ago, they lent me a great movie on addiction: Pleasure Unwoven. I finally got around to watching it last night. EYE OPENER!!
It went through the ins & outs of addiction and broke it down to really show how addiction fits the medical disease model. I highly recommend it. I won't post up the link (copyrights & whatnot), but you can find the whole movie on YouTube. Somehow, having an understanding of how alcoholism & addiction work chemically & physically in the brain/body takes away a bit of the sting for those of us who've had to live with an alcoholic/addict.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Cecelia, I found that the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. to be invaluable in helping me to wrap my mind around the psychology of how the addicted mind works. I will send you a private message with the website for all his articles.
These are not in conflict with the medical model. They just focus more on the psychological aspects of the disease.
sincerely, dandylion
These are not in conflict with the medical model. They just focus more on the psychological aspects of the disease.
sincerely, dandylion
HELP!! I have been trying to send you a private message--3 trys--but, for some reason it isn't going through??
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