lala27

Hello, there has been something that has been really bothering me about a mutual friend of exabf and I. He has been expressing concern for years about a's downward spiral and talks about how much it kills him to see this, but yet he will frequently go out to the bar with him and bring alcohol to the house. I in no way blames my ex's drinking on him, or anyone else for that matter, but I feel his words don't match with his actions. Our friend is in no way an alcoholic, and usually stops with 1-2 beers, if he drinks at all. He is happy to do non-drinking activities. I guess it bothers me so much because 1. It makes his words seem fake and 2. He knows how much his drinking has hurt me and our daughter, yet I feel he is enabling the behavior, in turn he is hurting me because he is supposed to be a friend. Kwim?

This has been bothering me for so long and I need some help in working through this so I can move on. Am I totally off base in my feelings about this? Thanks for any input.

LexieCat

Well, he IS enabling, but probably thinks he is just being a good, non-judgmental friend.

You could talk to him about what you have learned about enabling, and suggest that maybe that isn't what a friend ought to be doing, but in the end, it is between the two of them. Whether you choose to maintain the friendship is up to you. You can't control the friend any more than you can control the alcoholic.

Pelican

I think the tools that help me through this type of situation are

1) Serenity Prayer
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference"

2) The 3 C's
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it