Missing her...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Missing her...
Since July 2010 my wife has struggled with alcohol addiction. We had just moved across country during that time and thats when things started. She was a functional alcoholic for a couple of months, every now and again she was get stupid/funny drunk but usually you couldn't tell.
After the first couple days of living there I had already started to worry and no talking to her did any good.
She moved from drinking in the late evenings to drinking when she got up.
After about 3 months she was drinking to the point of blacking out, but not passing out, she became a monster at this point. Saying extremely hurtful things, calling people and hurting them with her words.
About a month later these verbal moments became physical and she would want to hurt me. Hitting, scratching, biting and even came at me with a knife at one point. She was also hurting herself. Needless to say these episodes a lot of times ended up with a call to police, from either me or a neighbor. Once in ER, once in a drunk tank and once in a prison facility with other violent substance offenders. Some how in all of these scenarios she was never charged with anything.
We moved back to where we originally lived to be around family in order for her to get help. We have two children and with me working there was no one to take care of them while she went to the doctor or entered a facility living where we did at the time.
She and the kids left a month ahead of me since I had obligations at work that had to be tied up. She moved in with my mother. After a couple weeks she was hiding alcohol in the closet and the date I was arriving home she had one of her black out moments with my mother around. It didn't end well for either of them.
This is roughly 1 1/2 years since I moved back. In that time she has been locked up in jail 4 times, once being our anniversary. Been in two different mental institutes. And has attended therapy once or twice a month for over a year now.
She left her last mental institute about 2 weeks ago. She was there because she tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists after drinking a liter of liquor. While she was there I told her in front of her doctor if she brought anymore in I was done.
I had taken her debit card from her and only supplied her some checks that I figured wouldn't allow her to get money to get the liquor. I was stupid and wrong, she overwrote them at some point and had been hiding it again in the house although not drinking nearly enough for anyone to notice. Last friday she was gone the entire day from 9am till around 12am. When she got home she was almost to the point of becoming the monster. I was able to get her to admit that she had been out drinking and driving all day. I told her I was done as calmly as possible and said I was going to bed.
I woke up a couple hours later and cops were here because she called them herself because she was afraid she was going to kill herself. They took her into the police station and called in a Dr. At some point while they were waiting she hit one of the cops. She has been in jail now since saturday. I moved all her stuff to her mothers the next day. I haven't spoken to her and her family is in agreement her bond will not be paid.
I've dealt with a lot of emotions this last week. Having to explain to my kids whats going on. Coming to grips with it myself. Convincing her family I did everything I could to keep them from hating me. And the shame, guilt, sadness, loneliness I have over these last few years.
Today finally I've started to miss her deeply. She has been calling my phone all day and its killing me. For me and my kids I'm so scared to bring her back into my life. I do love the true her with all my heart, I understand the alcohol isn't 100% to blame for her actions but I know the person she once was. We have been together since I was 15 and she was 13. That was almost 14 years ago. I'm just hurt and have a huge hole in my heart and i'm afraid I can't stay strong enough to allow her to help herself if she chooses.
I've had the kids write up valentine's for her and i'm going to finally write her a note tomorrow. Thursday I deposited money in her account at the jail and dropped off her medications. I don't want to talk on the phone with her as I need my words to be composed. Help!
After the first couple days of living there I had already started to worry and no talking to her did any good.
She moved from drinking in the late evenings to drinking when she got up.
After about 3 months she was drinking to the point of blacking out, but not passing out, she became a monster at this point. Saying extremely hurtful things, calling people and hurting them with her words.
About a month later these verbal moments became physical and she would want to hurt me. Hitting, scratching, biting and even came at me with a knife at one point. She was also hurting herself. Needless to say these episodes a lot of times ended up with a call to police, from either me or a neighbor. Once in ER, once in a drunk tank and once in a prison facility with other violent substance offenders. Some how in all of these scenarios she was never charged with anything.
We moved back to where we originally lived to be around family in order for her to get help. We have two children and with me working there was no one to take care of them while she went to the doctor or entered a facility living where we did at the time.
She and the kids left a month ahead of me since I had obligations at work that had to be tied up. She moved in with my mother. After a couple weeks she was hiding alcohol in the closet and the date I was arriving home she had one of her black out moments with my mother around. It didn't end well for either of them.
This is roughly 1 1/2 years since I moved back. In that time she has been locked up in jail 4 times, once being our anniversary. Been in two different mental institutes. And has attended therapy once or twice a month for over a year now.
She left her last mental institute about 2 weeks ago. She was there because she tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists after drinking a liter of liquor. While she was there I told her in front of her doctor if she brought anymore in I was done.
I had taken her debit card from her and only supplied her some checks that I figured wouldn't allow her to get money to get the liquor. I was stupid and wrong, she overwrote them at some point and had been hiding it again in the house although not drinking nearly enough for anyone to notice. Last friday she was gone the entire day from 9am till around 12am. When she got home she was almost to the point of becoming the monster. I was able to get her to admit that she had been out drinking and driving all day. I told her I was done as calmly as possible and said I was going to bed.
I woke up a couple hours later and cops were here because she called them herself because she was afraid she was going to kill herself. They took her into the police station and called in a Dr. At some point while they were waiting she hit one of the cops. She has been in jail now since saturday. I moved all her stuff to her mothers the next day. I haven't spoken to her and her family is in agreement her bond will not be paid.
I've dealt with a lot of emotions this last week. Having to explain to my kids whats going on. Coming to grips with it myself. Convincing her family I did everything I could to keep them from hating me. And the shame, guilt, sadness, loneliness I have over these last few years.
Today finally I've started to miss her deeply. She has been calling my phone all day and its killing me. For me and my kids I'm so scared to bring her back into my life. I do love the true her with all my heart, I understand the alcohol isn't 100% to blame for her actions but I know the person she once was. We have been together since I was 15 and she was 13. That was almost 14 years ago. I'm just hurt and have a huge hole in my heart and i'm afraid I can't stay strong enough to allow her to help herself if she chooses.
I've had the kids write up valentine's for her and i'm going to finally write her a note tomorrow. Thursday I deposited money in her account at the jail and dropped off her medications. I don't want to talk on the phone with her as I need my words to be composed. Help!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome. I don't have much to say, except that making the choice to step off the crazy train ride is about the best you can do. We have a saying here that we call the three C's. You don't cause her to drink. You can't control her drinking. And you can't cure her. But I think you've come to that conclusion already.
I still miss my XAH sometimes. I think that's normal - to remember the person we thought we knew. To miss the good times. You are grieving. Be good to yourself right now.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
I still miss my XAH sometimes. I think that's normal - to remember the person we thought we knew. To miss the good times. You are grieving. Be good to yourself right now.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, you've had a lot to deal with these past few years. I'd say you coped admirably under the circumstances.
I think you are doing the right things, and I think for the sake of your kids you need her out of your house for the time being, unless and until she is solidly in recovery. Can you imagine how devastating it would be if she were to make yet another suicide attempt? Maybe in one of these blackouts hurt one of them? Or they find her dead?
You can have love and compassion for her, while protecting yourself and your kids.
And please, if you haven't been to Al-Anon, it can help tremendously.
I think you are doing the right things, and I think for the sake of your kids you need her out of your house for the time being, unless and until she is solidly in recovery. Can you imagine how devastating it would be if she were to make yet another suicide attempt? Maybe in one of these blackouts hurt one of them? Or they find her dead?
You can have love and compassion for her, while protecting yourself and your kids.
And please, if you haven't been to Al-Anon, it can help tremendously.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Wow, you've had a lot to deal with these past few years. I'd say you coped admirably under the circumstances.
I think you are doing the right things, and I think for the sake of your kids you need her out of your house for the time being, unless and until she is solidly in recovery. Can you imagine how devastating it would be if she were to make yet another suicide attempt? Maybe in one of these blackouts hurt one of them? Or they find her dead?
You can have love and compassion for her, while protecting yourself and your kids.
And please, if you haven't been to Al-Anon, it can help tremendously.
I think you are doing the right things, and I think for the sake of your kids you need her out of your house for the time being, unless and until she is solidly in recovery. Can you imagine how devastating it would be if she were to make yet another suicide attempt? Maybe in one of these blackouts hurt one of them? Or they find her dead?
You can have love and compassion for her, while protecting yourself and your kids.
And please, if you haven't been to Al-Anon, it can help tremendously.
When getting together so young I found out a lot of insane situations she had been through as a child, some she deeply needed counselling for and her family refused it. I was there for her all those years and by the time we got married I felt like I had helped her work through it. For years everything was great. Something in her snapped again though and this is where the alcohol stepped in.
I should have gotten her help sooner since I knew things were probably suppressed but I did not and still do not have mental health coverage and thankfully things had changed enough to get state help here where I live now. At this point though it was too late.
I've dealt with a lot of this in my life, I'm not blind to it. I know what needs to be done, I just let myself be blinded. I am looking forward to al-anon and soon. I have to get myself together and keep myself from being blinded from selfishness. Regardless of all else I know that is what caused me to put up with so much for so long. That and well, I was just trying to be a good husband. I just wasn't being the best dad.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"Getting her help sooner" most likely would not have done any good. You cannot force someone to choose recovery. As for the regrets about the parenting, I'd say we all have those. I know I put my second alcoholic relationship, and the non-alcoholic dysfunctional relationship I had after that, ahead of my kids, not to mention my own drinking before I got sober.
All we can do is look forward and do the best we can as we move ahead. That's the best thing for everyone involved.
All we can do is look forward and do the best we can as we move ahead. That's the best thing for everyone involved.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Just wanted to say thanks. Just getting this out of my system has helped. I have a couple people to talk to sure, but of course they have their own opinions of her which are not at all kind. Its driving me crazy hearing all the talks about how she is when is this way etc. Her constantly being cast in a negative light or have it being said that she is a horrible person, its hard for me. They can't and do not understand its uncontrollable for a person, even those who do have enough distance behind them to not care.
I have to ensure through all else that my kids understand that their mother does love them but she is sick. I've had to come to terms with her being sick. And her sickness I nor my children can live with.
I wish her to get better, I want her home (nostalgia), but she is sick. And this is what I have to keep reminding myself. I know she is in jail now and she will be a different person to an extent when she call/writes. I have 25 voicemails from her since she arrived and I can't bring myself to listen to them, not even 1!! I can not be taken over because of my nostalgia and the fact that she has been clean for over a week and may not sound like the monster i know she can become.
Anyways just a lot more scrambled thoughts. Its been a very very bipolar week for me to say the least. I've lurked this forum since the first day, and I'm glad you all are here. Thank you.
I have to ensure through all else that my kids understand that their mother does love them but she is sick. I've had to come to terms with her being sick. And her sickness I nor my children can live with.
I wish her to get better, I want her home (nostalgia), but she is sick. And this is what I have to keep reminding myself. I know she is in jail now and she will be a different person to an extent when she call/writes. I have 25 voicemails from her since she arrived and I can't bring myself to listen to them, not even 1!! I can not be taken over because of my nostalgia and the fact that she has been clean for over a week and may not sound like the monster i know she can become.
Anyways just a lot more scrambled thoughts. Its been a very very bipolar week for me to say the least. I've lurked this forum since the first day, and I'm glad you all are here. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
I almost forgot one of the reasons I posted in the first place (besides the obvious). I just need to know what should I feel entitled to do for her. First few days especially when dropping off her belongings at the in-laws I had the mindset that I am done. I thought about it more and more and felt maybe I can't be completely done. Regardless of all else I want and need her to get better for her kids sake. I had thought about dropping her from my insurance (enrollment ended today), we have horrible horrible insurance but if something happened to her and given we aren't legally separated the state wouldn't do much for her. She is on medications for her issues that are at the root cause of all this mess, although the state is helping with her meetings with the mental health doctors they do nothing for her meds. She has legal fees that are coming due, lawyer fees that aren't completely paid up from previous issues, and of course new legal fees due to her most recent incarceration.
Could have been me enabling, but, she has never been able to hold down a job and I feel like if I drop her flat completely from any financial support I wouldn't be being a good person, regardless of my feelings. Any thoughts? I'm really struggling....
Could have been me enabling, but, she has never been able to hold down a job and I feel like if I drop her flat completely from any financial support I wouldn't be being a good person, regardless of my feelings. Any thoughts? I'm really struggling....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think it's wrong to keep her on your insurance, assuming you can afford it. She is your children's mother, so maintaining the insurance for now doesn't seem unreasonable.
The lawyer's fees and other forms of support I would let her deal with. Those are direct consequences of her actions and I think it's only right that those are her responsibility, not yours.
If you begin divorce proceedings, you will have to figure out the finances in more detail. For now, though, I'd just keep things as separate as you can. Your problems, her problems. You are going to continue to be the sole financial support for the kids, so you are doing your fair share.
The lawyer's fees and other forms of support I would let her deal with. Those are direct consequences of her actions and I think it's only right that those are her responsibility, not yours.
If you begin divorce proceedings, you will have to figure out the finances in more detail. For now, though, I'd just keep things as separate as you can. Your problems, her problems. You are going to continue to be the sole financial support for the kids, so you are doing your fair share.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
I don't know why in my own head I couldn't convince myself of this. Hearing someone else say it however I appreciate your help deciding. I do want to continue my best to help her in her recovery however consequences of previous behavior given the support she had is justified. Thank you again. I am not deciding on divorce for at least 6 months I've made up my mind on that, legal separation to ensure the safety of my kids I may here soon be filing for that. All along I will continue to support her getting help. Her issue has put us in financial dire however with her gone and with no access to our money thankfully I do make enough and have access to enough to dig me out of the hole I'm in. I am blessed there. If I had kept her around any longer I wouldn't have been able to.
Thanks!
Thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boopville
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by undertowzen
I almost forgot one of the reasons I posted in the first place (besides the obvious). I just need to know what should I feel entitled to do for her. First few days especially when dropping off her belongings at the in-laws I had the mindset that I am done. I thought about it more and more and felt maybe I can't be completely done. Regardless of all else I want and need her to get better for her kids sake. I had thought about dropping her from my insurance (enrollment ended today), we have horrible horrible insurance but if something happened to her and given we aren't legally separated the state wouldn't do much for her. She is on medications for her issues that are at the root cause of all this mess, although the state is helping with her meetings with the mental health doctors they do nothing for her meds. She has legal fees that are coming due, lawyer fees that aren't completely paid up from previous issues, and of course new legal fees due to her most recent incarceration.
Could have been me enabling, but, she has never been able to hold down a job and I feel like if I drop her flat completely from any financial support I wouldn't be being a good person, regardless of my feelings. Any thoughts? I'm really struggling....
Could have been me enabling, but, she has never been able to hold down a job and I feel like if I drop her flat completely from any financial support I wouldn't be being a good person, regardless of my feelings. Any thoughts? I'm really struggling....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Thank you AngelBabe for the advice. The insurance I was up in arms over as I am allowed to not have her added per my employer but I decided against it, mostly because I know i wasn't thinking right.
As for the rest... I do plan on giving her mother her 1/2 of this years tax return, it isn't much but it is enough to cover her outstanding legal debt plus her lawyer fees. If she doesn't use it for that herself, or if her mother doesn't decide to pay it ahead of time, its out of my hands.
As for my children, yes, yes, yes... I need to do everything I can to keep them from her and the state I live in almost always opts for the mother. Which in normal circumstance I can't argue, however given these they need protection. Sadly my mom had a foreclosure recently and I have had to move her in with me. This does work out to my benefit however as my children will have supervision around the clock.
Thanks again everyone! This really helps!
As for the rest... I do plan on giving her mother her 1/2 of this years tax return, it isn't much but it is enough to cover her outstanding legal debt plus her lawyer fees. If she doesn't use it for that herself, or if her mother doesn't decide to pay it ahead of time, its out of my hands.
As for my children, yes, yes, yes... I need to do everything I can to keep them from her and the state I live in almost always opts for the mother. Which in normal circumstance I can't argue, however given these they need protection. Sadly my mom had a foreclosure recently and I have had to move her in with me. This does work out to my benefit however as my children will have supervision around the clock.
Thanks again everyone! This really helps!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boopville
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by undertowzen
Thank you AngelBabe for the advice. The insurance I was up in arms over as I am allowed to not have her added per my employer but I decided against it, mostly because I know i wasn't thinking right.
As for the rest... I do plan on giving her mother her 1/2 of this years tax return, it isn't much but it is enough to cover her outstanding legal debt plus her lawyer fees. If she doesn't use it for that herself, or if her mother doesn't decide to pay it ahead of time, its out of my hands.
As for my children, yes, yes, yes... I need to do everything I can to keep them from her and the state I live in almost always opts for the mother. Which in normal circumstance I can't argue, however given these they need protection. Sadly my mom had a foreclosure recently and I have had to move her in with me. This does work out to my benefit however as my children will have supervision around the clock.
Thanks again everyone! This really helps!
As for the rest... I do plan on giving her mother her 1/2 of this years tax return, it isn't much but it is enough to cover her outstanding legal debt plus her lawyer fees. If she doesn't use it for that herself, or if her mother doesn't decide to pay it ahead of time, its out of my hands.
As for my children, yes, yes, yes... I need to do everything I can to keep them from her and the state I live in almost always opts for the mother. Which in normal circumstance I can't argue, however given these they need protection. Sadly my mom had a foreclosure recently and I have had to move her in with me. This does work out to my benefit however as my children will have supervision around the clock.
Thanks again everyone! This really helps!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Last request and I'll leave you be... until there is an update from me of course.. or I have a response to this..
There was a ton, and I mean a ton, of sexual assualt for me resulting from all of this. I was ashamed to initially admit this but I'm feeling confident enough now from speaking with all of you.
My wife could have been put away many more times, and my children would have saw much more when we lived in the other state we did, if not for me submitting to her sexual needs while she was in the state she was in (monster).
The reason that eventually the calls to the cops started in the last state we lived in is I could no longer picture myself having sex with her. She was repulsive to me after a while and when she was out of her mind during her blackout she was not the woman I loved. I guess i'm not a normal man (non-stereotypical?) in that I do feel the need to feel some type of connection in order to function but after months of doing it out of the sake of protection... I was eventually traumatized. To the extent that I couldn't function anymore. Even to this day, I have no desires. I've tried getting help for this issue myself, all the doctors had advised "she needs help you don't, you'll get better in time".... with that said however, i know without therapy i can't... its not that i don't have desire anymore... I just no longer work
... I was basically man raped ... and for those who don't think thats a thing.... man are you wrong... i'm not allowed professional help for this.. i'd really like any profession/armature advice anyone has... doctors could be right... when she is gone could come back... i'm just scared....
There was a ton, and I mean a ton, of sexual assualt for me resulting from all of this. I was ashamed to initially admit this but I'm feeling confident enough now from speaking with all of you.
My wife could have been put away many more times, and my children would have saw much more when we lived in the other state we did, if not for me submitting to her sexual needs while she was in the state she was in (monster).
The reason that eventually the calls to the cops started in the last state we lived in is I could no longer picture myself having sex with her. She was repulsive to me after a while and when she was out of her mind during her blackout she was not the woman I loved. I guess i'm not a normal man (non-stereotypical?) in that I do feel the need to feel some type of connection in order to function but after months of doing it out of the sake of protection... I was eventually traumatized. To the extent that I couldn't function anymore. Even to this day, I have no desires. I've tried getting help for this issue myself, all the doctors had advised "she needs help you don't, you'll get better in time".... with that said however, i know without therapy i can't... its not that i don't have desire anymore... I just no longer work
... I was basically man raped ... and for those who don't think thats a thing.... man are you wrong... i'm not allowed professional help for this.. i'd really like any profession/armature advice anyone has... doctors could be right... when she is gone could come back... i'm just scared....
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Hang in there. Keep posting. You've been through so much, have basically lost your best friend and are recovering from sexual abuse. I hope you can seek out a counsellor to talk to. Yes... There is help for men too.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend
Big Hugs!
I hope you have a peaceful weekend
Big Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
thanks canFixOnlyMe... state sponsorship help they refuse to see me over my sexual abuse or mental abuse i've endured through all of this... they require specific forms to be filled out and you have to be seen by a screener... which won't approve me for my issues... i do agree it was my best friend... just wish it didn't end up like this... once my financials are finally corrected i may be able to pay out of pocket for myself to see 3rd party mental support providers but its difficult. but thanks again everyone... i'll report back when i know more...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
I have experienced the sexual monster AGF. Unfortunately you start associating sex with your partner being highly intoxicated....which is sickening.
I'm like you. I need a connection. You aren't abnormal. Give yourself time. I know sometimes you think you are making a mistake, but looking at your evidence, you have all the right reasons to save yourself and your children.
I'm like you. I need a connection. You aren't abnormal. Give yourself time. I know sometimes you think you are making a mistake, but looking at your evidence, you have all the right reasons to save yourself and your children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Manmust
I have experienced the sexual monster AGF. Unfortunately you start associating sex with your partner being highly intoxicated....which is sickening.
I'm like you. I need a connection. You aren't abnormal. Give yourself time. I know sometimes you think you are making a mistake, but looking at your evidence, you have all the right reasons to save yourself and your children.
I'm like you. I need a connection. You aren't abnormal. Give yourself time. I know sometimes you think you are making a mistake, but looking at your evidence, you have all the right reasons to save yourself and your children.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Undertowzen, I am so so sorry for the pain you are going through. You have given your situation a lot of careful consideration, and are making thoughtful decisions that will be best for you and your children.
Remember the 3 c's of alcoholism:
I also would suggest that now is the time to get full custody of your children and strong controls on when and under what circumstances your AW can see them. If divorce is the best option to accomplish that, then it may be what you want to do now. Your lawyer can advise you. Many lawyers give a free consultation before you retain them, so you can see several and find out your rights, what the pitfalls are of a husband wanting full custody, and how to avoid them.
It is probably better to take stronger action now to protect your kids while she is clearly unfit than to hesitate and then have to fight a long custody battle is she gets partially better. And in the long run, if she really becomes sober and commits to a long term path of sobriety like AA, you can re-visit how much contact is reasonable.
I am so sorry about the sexual abuse. Have you tried the domestic violence center in your area? Sometimes they have free resources, or can direct you to them. I understand about not wanting sex with an alcoholic monster like spouse since my husband was that way - alcoholic, abusive, and porn addicted. Now you are thinking in the context of that very disturbed relationship with your AW. In time, I think you will be able to reclaim your sexuality for yourself, and then be free again of these feelings. It almost sounds like you have PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder), but I am not trained in any of this, so take my comments with a grain of salt. There are many books available that may help you, and I believe that sexual abuse of boys and men is gaining more attention these days.
Please come back and post as often as you want to. That's what this forum is for. For me, when I left my AH of 20 years suddenly on July 4th because of the most outrageous incident yet, Sober Recovery was a big part of what kept me functional in those early days. It is hard, and so many of us have been through similar dysfunction that coming here means joining a family that understands and cares. I come back for more help when I need it, and to pay it forward - - to try to give to newcomers some of the help that made such an incredible difference to me when I most needed it.
ShootingStar1
Remember the 3 c's of alcoholism:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it
.You can't control it;
You can't cure it
I also would suggest that now is the time to get full custody of your children and strong controls on when and under what circumstances your AW can see them. If divorce is the best option to accomplish that, then it may be what you want to do now. Your lawyer can advise you. Many lawyers give a free consultation before you retain them, so you can see several and find out your rights, what the pitfalls are of a husband wanting full custody, and how to avoid them.
It is probably better to take stronger action now to protect your kids while she is clearly unfit than to hesitate and then have to fight a long custody battle is she gets partially better. And in the long run, if she really becomes sober and commits to a long term path of sobriety like AA, you can re-visit how much contact is reasonable.
I am so sorry about the sexual abuse. Have you tried the domestic violence center in your area? Sometimes they have free resources, or can direct you to them. I understand about not wanting sex with an alcoholic monster like spouse since my husband was that way - alcoholic, abusive, and porn addicted. Now you are thinking in the context of that very disturbed relationship with your AW. In time, I think you will be able to reclaim your sexuality for yourself, and then be free again of these feelings. It almost sounds like you have PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder), but I am not trained in any of this, so take my comments with a grain of salt. There are many books available that may help you, and I believe that sexual abuse of boys and men is gaining more attention these days.
Please come back and post as often as you want to. That's what this forum is for. For me, when I left my AH of 20 years suddenly on July 4th because of the most outrageous incident yet, Sober Recovery was a big part of what kept me functional in those early days. It is hard, and so many of us have been through similar dysfunction that coming here means joining a family that understands and cares. I come back for more help when I need it, and to pay it forward - - to try to give to newcomers some of the help that made such an incredible difference to me when I most needed it.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Just wanted to give you guys an update. I left my wife in jail for as long as possible. After two weeks they lowered her bail to $50 so her mom did bail her out.
For only the first day (I know I'm weak) I left her out of the house. I drove to her moms the first night. She begged and pleaded with me to bring her back home. At this point everything she owned was moved out of the house. I refused and refused and refused. I kept looking in her eyes while she pleaded with me. I've seen her tears so many times over the last two years. I've heard her lies so many times over the last two years. Something felt different, although it could have just been my weakness for loving her that made me think this. I said OK fine, tomorrow you can come home.
She came home the next day along with all her stuff. This was 80 days ago. She has been clean for 80 days now. She has been the wife I used to know before all of this. She has been the mother my children remember. She immediately started AA after arriving home. She also started attending church after arriving home. I never thought any of this was possible. I thank everyone here for helping me allow her to stay in jail and not do any correspondence with her.
With that said... today.. her 80th day... she was finally sentenced for the behavior that night that spawned my first post to begin with... and her original stay in jail for the few week period I left her there.. She got charged with assault & battery against an officer because she did mouth off at the officer that night and when they charged at her she pushed the guy in his chest (they like tackling people) . In my mind its a simple gesture (really assault and battery on a police officer for the rest of her life for simply pushing one away from her???) but if not for her prior issues while being drunk they would have probably been more lenient with her.
For the next 6 months she will be spending her time in prison. It hurt so bad watching them take her away this morning. I feel so empty. My daughter is very upset. My son only 5, it hasn't set in on him just yet. I just wish if they were to charge people for their addictions they would do it much much sooner instead of waiting so long that they may repair themselves before sentencing. This is ridiculous but I can not say at one point she didn't deserve this.
I'm really hoping she'll stay strong. The last week she has just felt like I would find over time that I was better without her while she was gone. While back in February that might have been true it is no longer. She healed herself and ourselves. I just don't know how to make her feel that way with her not being here.
Thanks again to everyone who commented and those in chat. It did help a lot!
For only the first day (I know I'm weak) I left her out of the house. I drove to her moms the first night. She begged and pleaded with me to bring her back home. At this point everything she owned was moved out of the house. I refused and refused and refused. I kept looking in her eyes while she pleaded with me. I've seen her tears so many times over the last two years. I've heard her lies so many times over the last two years. Something felt different, although it could have just been my weakness for loving her that made me think this. I said OK fine, tomorrow you can come home.
She came home the next day along with all her stuff. This was 80 days ago. She has been clean for 80 days now. She has been the wife I used to know before all of this. She has been the mother my children remember. She immediately started AA after arriving home. She also started attending church after arriving home. I never thought any of this was possible. I thank everyone here for helping me allow her to stay in jail and not do any correspondence with her.
With that said... today.. her 80th day... she was finally sentenced for the behavior that night that spawned my first post to begin with... and her original stay in jail for the few week period I left her there.. She got charged with assault & battery against an officer because she did mouth off at the officer that night and when they charged at her she pushed the guy in his chest (they like tackling people) . In my mind its a simple gesture (really assault and battery on a police officer for the rest of her life for simply pushing one away from her???) but if not for her prior issues while being drunk they would have probably been more lenient with her.
For the next 6 months she will be spending her time in prison. It hurt so bad watching them take her away this morning. I feel so empty. My daughter is very upset. My son only 5, it hasn't set in on him just yet. I just wish if they were to charge people for their addictions they would do it much much sooner instead of waiting so long that they may repair themselves before sentencing. This is ridiculous but I can not say at one point she didn't deserve this.
I'm really hoping she'll stay strong. The last week she has just felt like I would find over time that I was better without her while she was gone. While back in February that might have been true it is no longer. She healed herself and ourselves. I just don't know how to make her feel that way with her not being here.
Thanks again to everyone who commented and those in chat. It did help a lot!
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