How to let go of XRAH when there are kids involved
 

Recovering.....yes he has been sober for 3 yrs on Feb. 17th, although I have to say he has become a more bitter, angry, spitefull person since that day.
I left after 15 yrs of living with him after giving him the ultimatum. It took him 3 months before he decided to get into an 18 month out pt rehab and exactly 16 months to start an affair and decide to walk out on his family for her. That was a year and a half ago...he is still with her. The hell he has put my kids and myself through since then has been worse then the 15 years living with him. He blames me for everything from the divorce (that he wanted) to the fact that the sky is blue...I am the down fall of all mankind at this point. He is hatefull to me and at one point was blaming me for his drinking, all of this has been told to our youngest son who is now about to turn 16. He spends little to no time with him and does not hide the fact that it is usually because he has plans with his girfriend. I dont think I have to explain the way that has made my son feel.
Yes I have found Al anon...although I have not found that it helps as much as I had hoped. Im working on me, I know that I contributed to the end of our marriage...I did not cheat ever, but I was the classic enabler and lived in denial for YEARS...but I loved him. I never treated him with any disrespect even when I left. He has enjoyed seeing the pain he has caused...heres my problem. I keep banging my head against the brick wall...hopeing that we can at least raise our son together and show a united front for him. Show him that we at least respect each other. I have tried and tried...Ive asked him "what do you need from me to make this happen?"...he tells me I am to difficult to deal with (funny...cheat on me and walk out and WOW...then your surprised that Im a little upset???) I tell myself I should just let it go, but then I see my son having such a hard time and I think, no just try again...and I proceed to bang my head into that brick wall again. I dont know what to do....He is not the same person Ive known for 20 years, which is shocking to me??? Do they change that much after getting sober? and I thought they became clearer...He said to me at one point that he has changed for the better and I said "really?? you think lieing, cheating, and walking out on your son is for the better?"....Im completely confused and at this point am seeing my son grow up with out a Dad..which i guess is better then growing up with an angry bitter one.

Perhaps if you frame it differently you'll have an easier time letting go. Part of letting go is getting unstuck and moving forward - free and independent of him not just physically but emotionally.

You can't change your ex. Your son can't change his dad.

I can not make my ex be the dad my kids deserve. End story. What do I want for my boys? I want them to be able to move forward. To know they are precious and lovable and awesome right now, today, no matter what anyone else is doing. How can I help them do that? I can show them how. I accept their dad for who he is. I expect from him exactly what he has shown he can or will give. I am no longer angry or disappointed with him. His behavior is not a reflection of me, it does not control me, and I show my children that - so that they too can move forward. Their father's choices and struggles are not a reflection of them or a statement about them. Their self worth must be independent of his decisions. There father is not all bad and this freedom of letting go also opens them to the small gifts that he can give them.

Of course they are children. There is great sadness when a parent leaves. They will have baggage to work through as they grow up. I still grit my teeth from time to time or have a moment of anger at the unfairness or frustration or whatever. I'm human. However I no longer get stuck there. I no longer try to control what is not mine to control because that is like super glue on my feet. It is very freeing to let that go and it was a gift I want to share with my boys.

thank you for the reply Thumper...ive been thinking about what you said...it made a lot of sense. I know that expectations get me know where and Ive been trying to not have them, but as a parent its hard for me to get around that. There are expectations of you as a parent and the end result if you don't step up is what I am seeing now. My son just finished a chemical dependency program about a month ago. He was smoking marijuana I felt like I had to do something so I got him into the program, ironically the same program his father went through for alcohol but it is a teen program for teens and parents. His father never showed up for one meeting in 12 weeks. Last night my son took off and came home high again.....each time this has happened I called his father but he has never participated in handeling it with me...which then makes my son angrier so this time I didn't bother to call him, I called the police. They came over and talked to him and put a little bit of the fear of god in him....Im at the end of my rope, I see my son slipping away and don't know what to do. And I don't understand how his father can sit and watch it happen and not step up and do something as a parent. but I guess he is only capable of doing what he is capable of ...which doesn't appear to be any more then just stand and watch. Yesterday was his 3 yr clean and sober birthday and he couldn't be bothered with his sons problems....I don't understand that. I try daily to not be resentful, to understand that an alcoholic is an alcoholic drinking or not but sometimes I feel like that is an excuse for his inability to be a grown up and except responsibility for his actions. Im working on that but as you can see I have a ways to go....

I'm requoting because she said it better than I could. :)

My son's dad turned on me when I left him. At the time he said he'd make my life hell, and here 13 years later, he still likes to stick it to me when he can. I struggled with this for so long, there were so many tears, so much trauma, and I was unable to help my son process this kind of disappointment (one of my great regrets).

When I started looking at the tenants of Al-Anon, when my AH finally started to get help for his drinking problem, something clicked in me. My ex isn't an alcoholic, but I couldn't change, cure, or control his behavior any more than I can change, cure, or control anyone else's. I began to expect exactly what he's shown me, which is that he's difficult, he's loose with the truth, he's manipulative of our son, and abusive towards women in general. Once I got real comfortable with those facts, something clicked and I've been able to do what I need to do as a parent without having the expectations that he would have my back, at all, ever, or the disappointment and anger when he inevitably didn't.

Someone here says something like this, and it always cracks me up: When you dry out a drunk ***hole, you still have an ***hole.

my3sonsnme - Keep posting. There is a lot of support and insight here. I read the stickies at the top many times and found them very helpful.

My boys are not quite that old yet but will be very soon. Fears and worry about future risk of substance abuse and my boys weigh heavy on me if I give it space in my head. I simply can't imagine how hard it is for parents to deal with. My thoughts are with you and your family tonight.

Your right. I guess that's been the hardest thing for me to except...that this is him, after 20 yrs, realizing that this is who he is has been hard for me because then of course I have to look at why I stayed with someone like that for so long. It was easy to blame things on his drinking but now that its not a factor theres nothing to blame it on anymore. I never one time in all those years even imagined he was the kind of person who would cheat on me, and I certainly never thought he would be the person to walk out on our kids. It has been pretty shocking to me.....which makes me feel kind of stupid since hes an alcoholic...I held him up on a pretty high pedestal.

not once in our marriage did I think he was lieing to me and now I cant believe a word he says he lies so often. He was the one person I completely trusted.....what does that say about me? that the one person I trusted was an alcoholic? its almost laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.

Ive heard that saying before in my alanon meetings "if you dry out a drunk ahole you still have an ahole"...I guess I just didn't realize I had an ahole....because it so much easier to say its all because of the alcohol isn't it?

My3,

You sound like me and its refreshing to know we are in this together. We will be ok. Keep the focus on you!

I absolutely try every minute of the day to keep the focus on me....Im realizing that Im really good at playing the victim...its gotten to be very comfortable for me. I hate that about myself and have made a huge effort in stopping that. The affair did a number on my self confidence...I have questioned everything about my life, and my ability to make decisions. How can you live with someone for 16 yrs and not know them...at all???

I feltl like my life was a joke, a fraud and everything was a lie. He goes out of his way to talk to me as if he doesn't know me, he will say and ask things that purposely make me feel like he looks at me like a stranger. Its hurtful but I know that's his thing not mine. I guess if he wants to behave as if the last 20 years never happened and were a waste of his time that's his choice but to me it seems sad. My life is worth more then that to me. We raised kids together, went through marriages and deaths, major life events...I want to remember the good times and except it as a chapter of my life that is over..he makes that difficult. It feels horrible to be hated by the person that you care about so much and was such a part of your life. the unbelievable thing is, I stayed with him for many years through his drinking, then he cheats and walks away from the kids and hes angry at me???????
I know....that's what they do, they rewrite history and spin the story...but for someone who was so involved with AA and has 3 yrs under his belt I would at least expect some kind of clearity. oops theres that word I hate...expect...:headbange

You concentrate on yourself and remaking your life. It is difficult, my exH (not A) left me for a younger woman 10 years ago and has never spoken to me again although I remain on good terms with his family so I know how difficult it can be to think the past no longer exists. But my recent partner (an A) will not take responsibility for anything, it is all someone else's fault, usually mine. it goes with the territory. But don't let it wear you down, you and everyone else who cares knows differently. He is scared to admit he is at fault so blames you. Don't let him.

Ive don't something that I never thought I would do...after my son come home the other night stoned, he was being pretty difficult the next day. When he is not happy with consequences he will tell me he wants to go stay with his Dad...which is funny because his "Dad" hardly gives him the time of day unless hes feeling guilty. Well he said it again the next day so I told him to pack a bag and I would give him a ride. And I did...cried all the way home and haven't heard from him since. Its been 3 days and Ive been going back and forth between panic (what have I done??!! He will never come back!!) and just feeling done. He just finished a 12 week program that I put him in right away the last time I caught him smoking. He had almost 200 days sober and blew it...ironically on his fathers 3 yrs sober date. I have been there for him when ever he needed me and have made sure he felt loved and that he was a priority in my life. I don't know what else to do and If he wants to stay at his dads I guess I cant do anything about it but God I hope he doesn't decide that...I don't know what I would do. It would absolutely break my heart and theres not a lot of that left.

I think you did the right thing. Doing the right thing doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

I don't know the history of his marijuana use, but in spite of the fact that it's illegal (most places), not everyone who uses it has an addiction or a "drug problem". Either way, his using is upsetting to you, and maybe the best thing for you both is to get a little space.

Hugs, raising kids is a VERY difficult thing.