Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: vancouver b.c
Posts: 31
Thank you
I just recently became a member on this site.Im so thankful that i chose to do this and reach out.Many supportive people on here.Thank you! I thought i was alone.I just read a Thread about co dependancy...Yikes, it has my name written all over it.This is a new discovery for me and i didnt like the feeling. I got very upset. I never really thought i was a co dependant because im good at saying "no" to my children ie...not lending my son my car,handing out money to him because i know im not helping him to grow if i keep dolling out money,paying his car insurance ect. (he is 20 and on his own) I dont even feel bad for saying no.So why is it that i cannot stay away from my boyfriend who has relapsed..Im confused by this.Right now im thinking i should phone his brother and tell him because my brain is saying" well j.c is all alone, no family,friends, just me...i should call his brother to just let him know his brother is once again spending time with Colt45 for the last 5 days.Or i should go there to feed his dog?...ARRRGh, im frustrated,sad and pissed at myself for allowing myself to get sucked in.I feel used.I opened my heart&soul to this man.He met my children (youngest being 16) family &friends.I am ashamed at myself because i believed he was the was "the one" and now i feel like i need to break the news to everyone that,yes,once again i failed in a relationship.Im being so hard on myself.I need to learn and know that im going to be ok without him,that this is not my fault.This is why im on this site.To read and talk to others who are in the same boat.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Our boundries with different people vary. I have very clear cut boundries for my parents, siblings, children; but absolutely none for that man. Now I know why, know my triggers, and how to avoid the personality types that are toxic for me. and please remember, It is not a failed relationship as long as you have learned from it.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If you tell you're friends and family that it didn't work out and those people judge you as a "failure", then they're not the kind of friends and family you need in your life. Is it possible you are projecting your fears onto them? I know when I was divorcing my first husband I didn't tell my family for ages because I thought they would make me feel worse than I already did. Turned out when I did tell them they were supportive and understanding, and I found a whole new source of strength as I went through a very rough time in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: vancouver b.c
Posts: 31
i know.This is so true. i think its just me.I think i should have it figured out by now at this stage in my life in regards to boundries,toxic people all that stuff. Im a work in progress i suppose.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I think we often fail at our relationships because we keep seeking out what is familiar. At least that is the case for me. Also, all that crazy behavior seems normal for some reason-or we minimize it, it seems. Oh it is not that bad while friends and family look on and wonder why we are staying.
I started a relationship with someone after my dicorce. We have been together for 2 years. He is not an alcoholic but wow, he really is not for me so why am I sticking around or not just saying, ya know this is not working for me. I made a pros and cons list yesterday and when I looked at it I thought, woman you need to get out now so you can have a life again. Once again I normalized what any other person (and I know because I talk to my friends and family) would have not seen as being OK. I minimized it. I thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill and was told they were all mountains by him. Also, my sister told me even my pros were pretty lame and could be put on the cons side pretty easily.
I have broken up with him 3 times and he keeps coming back. It gets worse each time and I end up believing that I am seeing things that are not there. Smoke and mirrors!
This is a great awakening for me. I am still a raging co-dependent. I just shifted things around a little. I am back in therapy. I need to break this cyclical behavior of mine. It is so hard when you feel stuck.
I started a relationship with someone after my dicorce. We have been together for 2 years. He is not an alcoholic but wow, he really is not for me so why am I sticking around or not just saying, ya know this is not working for me. I made a pros and cons list yesterday and when I looked at it I thought, woman you need to get out now so you can have a life again. Once again I normalized what any other person (and I know because I talk to my friends and family) would have not seen as being OK. I minimized it. I thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill and was told they were all mountains by him. Also, my sister told me even my pros were pretty lame and could be put on the cons side pretty easily.
I have broken up with him 3 times and he keeps coming back. It gets worse each time and I end up believing that I am seeing things that are not there. Smoke and mirrors!
This is a great awakening for me. I am still a raging co-dependent. I just shifted things around a little. I am back in therapy. I need to break this cyclical behavior of mine. It is so hard when you feel stuck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by cambell 
Im being so hard on myself.I need to learn and know that im going to be ok without him,that this is not my fault.
But being hard on ourselves is a choice, a mindset. We have the power to accept our failures with courage and recognize they are just another step on the path to success. Everyone fails. Everyone makes mistakes.
I wanted to believe my XAH was the one so badly that I ignored all of the red flags showing me he wasn't. Like Hoopninja says, I minimized behaviors that otherwise would not be ok! Why? I have some theories on that, but the bottom line is I did, it was an epic fail, and its ok. It happens to the best of us.
One of my favorite quotes I found here is: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. So I made a choice to stop the myopic view on my failures and instead focus on my successes. Life has been much better since then!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You didn't fail in a relationship. You made an effort. If you decide you want a healthier partnership, then you have succeeded in recognizing that and moving on in your journey. It really doesn't matter what others think. They can't live your life for you. I know that no one in my life understands what I have been through...how could they?
I also thought I wasn't a codie or an enabler. It wasn't until I got into therapy that I started to see how my reactions to his behavior ended up contributing to the chaos. Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Great book.
I also thought I wasn't a codie or an enabler. It wasn't until I got into therapy that I started to see how my reactions to his behavior ended up contributing to the chaos. Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Great book.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know why you think you need to let everyone in your life in on the gory details. Relationships don't work out, all the time, for a variety of reasons. While there may be some people you want to confide in, it's really nobody else's business unless you choose to make it so.
All you really have to say is that things didn't work out, your goals and interests are too different. There, simple.
That part of it, anyway. For the rest, recovery isn't a race. You can take your time with it. As far as telling his family, or worrying about his dog, that really isn't your place. The world was turning for him before you came along, and it will continue to turn after you're gone.
Take care of yourself, mind your own side of the street, and you will get better. Whether he does is really up to him.
All you really have to say is that things didn't work out, your goals and interests are too different. There, simple.
That part of it, anyway. For the rest, recovery isn't a race. You can take your time with it. As far as telling his family, or worrying about his dog, that really isn't your place. The world was turning for him before you came along, and it will continue to turn after you're gone.
Take care of yourself, mind your own side of the street, and you will get better. Whether he does is really up to him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
