At witts ends with wife.
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One more thing I've been considering lately. I don't know about your wife, PLEXI50W, but my AH developed quite a lying habit in order to control the drinking situation. Not only did he lie about whether he was drinking and how much, he lied to himself about whether his drinking was affecting his life. He also developed that "alcoholic charm" to make people laugh and feel at ease and bring them back around after he'd burned them. Since we've been separated, this behavior is much more clear. When we first got together, his stories and jokes were one of the things that I loved best about him, even if he left a few details out. Now that we've been separated for awhile, I find that I'm tired of the embellishments and resistant of the attempts to charm me back into compliance.
We have been having a lot of friction lately and I've noticed a pattern. He is frustrated that he can't charm me and focuses his attention on me to make it happen. When I give him some attention back, positive or negative, he ignores me. This isn't all that different from when he was drinking. He gave me just enough to keep me close, and ignored me otherwise.
Right now I'm in my "information gathering phase," for lack of a better term. I've had the blinders on for a long time, so my goal is to stay neutral and see things for what they are. I said it yesterday, but I don't like what I see at the moment, from him or from me.
We have been having a lot of friction lately and I've noticed a pattern. He is frustrated that he can't charm me and focuses his attention on me to make it happen. When I give him some attention back, positive or negative, he ignores me. This isn't all that different from when he was drinking. He gave me just enough to keep me close, and ignored me otherwise.
Right now I'm in my "information gathering phase," for lack of a better term. I've had the blinders on for a long time, so my goal is to stay neutral and see things for what they are. I said it yesterday, but I don't like what I see at the moment, from him or from me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by Florence 
One more thing I've been considering lately. I don't know about your wife, PLEXI50W, but my AH developed quite a lying habit in order to control the drinking situation. Not only did he lie about whether he was drinking and how much, he lied to himself about whether his drinking was affecting his life. He also developed that "alcoholic charm" to make people laugh and feel at ease and bring them back around after he'd burned them. Since we've been separated, this behavior is much more clear. When we first got together, his stories and jokes were one of the things that I loved best about him, even if he left a few details out. Now that we've been separated for awhile, I find that I'm tired of the embellishments and resistant of the attempts to charm me back into compliance.
We have been having a lot of friction lately and I've noticed a pattern. He is frustrated that he can't charm me and focuses his attention on me to make it happen. When I give him some attention back, positive or negative, he ignores me. This isn't all that different from when he was drinking. He gave me just enough to keep me close, and ignored me otherwise.
Right now I'm in my "information gathering phase," for lack of a better term. I've had the blinders on for a long time, so my goal is to stay neutral and see things for what they are. I said it yesterday, but I don't like what I see at the moment, from him or from me.
We have been having a lot of friction lately and I've noticed a pattern. He is frustrated that he can't charm me and focuses his attention on me to make it happen. When I give him some attention back, positive or negative, he ignores me. This isn't all that different from when he was drinking. He gave me just enough to keep me close, and ignored me otherwise.
Right now I'm in my "information gathering phase," for lack of a better term. I've had the blinders on for a long time, so my goal is to stay neutral and see things for what they are. I said it yesterday, but I don't like what I see at the moment, from him or from me.
My wife has always been a "truth stretcher" to put it mildly. Just recently when I confronted her about the huge amount of sweets she was hiding, her response was "Well it's because our son has peanut allergies"
Our son is old enough, and knows to read labels if he even thinks there might be nuts included. Funny thing was, none of the stuff I found had nuts in it. So you see where I'm going with this.
She has never been one to face up to anything until it comes to an explosion point. One lie after another, just to cover up a miserable existance.
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Yes, Florence described relationship my RAH and I have exactly, right down to the lying and deception and embellishments. So even though I decided to stop the "indefinite separation" which lasted 2 years and we have been about 8 months living together it is still a difficult, often lonely road.
I do agree though about doing your own thing. At first it was easier to do my own thing without my AH living here but I had some time for recovery and I can now detach from his issues. RAH does go to AA on a weekly basis 1 -2 times and sometimes 3x a week. I do notice some change in his attitude, more often than not it must be met with a change in my attitude.
The lack of affection, the isolation, the arrogance still bring up resentment for me and I am still working out what my boundaries are and what I will and will not accept in a relationship. So for now, we live like this and take "one day at a time".
It's great PLEXI50W that you are taking care of yourself with exercise and all that.
Another alanon slogan I would recommend is "Live and Let Live". I know it is difficult and as others have said, if A is not working a program, no changes will happen but what is it to you how many sweets she is consuming and do you think "confronting" her is a positive relationship move. That is still her issue and if it is right now helping her stay away from the alcohol than it is.
Hope I am not coming across as judgemental and I do know how much a non-A feels the burden of this situation is on them to look at themselves and make changes. It sometimes feels as if there is not one little tiny space for us to be human without it having negative affect on our A partners.
I do agree though about doing your own thing. At first it was easier to do my own thing without my AH living here but I had some time for recovery and I can now detach from his issues. RAH does go to AA on a weekly basis 1 -2 times and sometimes 3x a week. I do notice some change in his attitude, more often than not it must be met with a change in my attitude.
The lack of affection, the isolation, the arrogance still bring up resentment for me and I am still working out what my boundaries are and what I will and will not accept in a relationship. So for now, we live like this and take "one day at a time".
It's great PLEXI50W that you are taking care of yourself with exercise and all that.
Another alanon slogan I would recommend is "Live and Let Live". I know it is difficult and as others have said, if A is not working a program, no changes will happen but what is it to you how many sweets she is consuming and do you think "confronting" her is a positive relationship move. That is still her issue and if it is right now helping her stay away from the alcohol than it is.
Hope I am not coming across as judgemental and I do know how much a non-A feels the burden of this situation is on them to look at themselves and make changes. It sometimes feels as if there is not one little tiny space for us to be human without it having negative affect on our A partners.
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Originally Posted by PLEXI50W
Thanks. It's very tough to deal with on a day to day thing. As most of you know it's relentless. Somedays I feel like just crumbling to my knees. But I feel one day I'll be happy again one way or another.
It really made me stop and think, and the more I think about it the more I believe its true. Just passing it along.
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Also I wanted to add about the counselling vs Al-Anon thing that they are very much complementary, but give you different things. In a way counselling is quite isolated although you get the benefit of dealing with a qualified professional to guide you. Al-Anon is very much a community feel and I found it amazing for alleviating the sense of loneliness and despair to be surrounded with people who were or had been in exactly the same place as me. While I do find sharing at meetings useful, I actually get a lot more out of listening to other people's shares, what they are feeling, how they have deal with things, where they are now. So in a sense I do my talking/exploring of myself at counselling, but my listening and learning at Al-Anon. I have certainly made much faster progress since having Al-Anon as well as the counselling. Try it if you can.
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Originally Posted by dancingnow
Yes, Florence described relationship my RAH and I have exactly, right down to the lying and deception and embellishments. So even though I decided to stop the "indefinite separation" which lasted 2 years and we have been about 8 months living together it is still a difficult, often lonely road.
I do agree though about doing your own thing. At first it was easier to do my own thing without my AH living here but I had some time for recovery and I can now detach from his issues. RAH does go to AA on a weekly basis 1 -2 times and sometimes 3x a week. I do notice some change in his attitude, more often than not it must be met with a change in my attitude.
The lack of affection, the isolation, the arrogance still bring up resentment for me and I am still working out what my boundaries are and what I will and will not accept in a relationship. So for now, we live like this and take "one day at a time".
It's great PLEXI50W that you are taking care of yourself with exercise and all that.
Another alanon slogan I would recommend is "Live and Let Live". I know it is difficult and as others have said, if A is not working a program, no changes will happen but what is it to you how many sweets she is consuming and do you think "confronting" her is a positive relationship move. That is still her issue and if it is right now helping her stay away from the alcohol than it is.
Hope I am not coming across as judgemental and I do know how much a non-A feels the burden of this situation is on them to look at themselves and make changes. It sometimes feels as if there is not one little tiny space for us to be human without it having negative affect on our A partners.
I do agree though about doing your own thing. At first it was easier to do my own thing without my AH living here but I had some time for recovery and I can now detach from his issues. RAH does go to AA on a weekly basis 1 -2 times and sometimes 3x a week. I do notice some change in his attitude, more often than not it must be met with a change in my attitude.
The lack of affection, the isolation, the arrogance still bring up resentment for me and I am still working out what my boundaries are and what I will and will not accept in a relationship. So for now, we live like this and take "one day at a time".
It's great PLEXI50W that you are taking care of yourself with exercise and all that.
Another alanon slogan I would recommend is "Live and Let Live". I know it is difficult and as others have said, if A is not working a program, no changes will happen but what is it to you how many sweets she is consuming and do you think "confronting" her is a positive relationship move. That is still her issue and if it is right now helping her stay away from the alcohol than it is.
Hope I am not coming across as judgemental and I do know how much a non-A feels the burden of this situation is on them to look at themselves and make changes. It sometimes feels as if there is not one little tiny space for us to be human without it having negative affect on our A partners.
I understand what you're saying about the sweets. I guess I'm still a little concerned about her health. I guess it's the lying that bothers me the most. And the complete lack of how I'm feeling/trying to cope with all of this.
It's like I'm invisible in that house, like I'm the enemy or something. If I wouldn't have stepped in she would probablly be dead, or close to it by now. If I seem a bit pissed off, well yes I am. I mad that things didn't turn out how I thought they would, and that my wife does not care enough to at least explain things to me.
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Originally Posted by PLEXI50W
I mad that things didn't turn out how I thought they would, and that my wife does not care enough to at least explain things to me.
And your wife doesn't have the capacity to "explain" things to you. She is working hard enough to maintain her own denial to herself - that is quite a feat if you think about it for a while. When is the last time you went to great lengths to lie to yourself? It takes a lot of energy to deflect reality creeping in from every angle.
What you describe is a dry drunk - a person who is no longer drinking but nothing else has changed. The behaviors of alcoholism are still there: the deceit, the immediate response to lie and spin tales, hiding things from you, and immaturity. And like with her drinking, you can't force her to be in a place she is not ready for. Just out of curiosity...are you sure she isn't still sneaking alcohol?
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Originally Posted by PLEXI50W
It's like I'm invisible in that house, like I'm the enemy or something. If I wouldn't have stepped in she would probablly be dead, or close to it by now. If I seem a bit pissed off, well yes I am. I mad that things didn't turn out how I thought they would, and that my wife does not care enough to at least explain things to me.
Alanon does help.
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Being mad about not getting what we want is ok, just don't stay there for long. There is nothing stopping you from having what you want - except for the glaring fact that you aren't going to get it from the woman you married, not right now at least.
And your wife doesn't have the capacity to "explain" things to you. She is working hard enough to maintain her own denial to herself - that is quite a feat if you think about it for a while. When is the last time you went to great lengths to lie to yourself? It takes a lot of energy to deflect reality creeping in from every angle.
What you describe is a dry drunk - a person who is no longer drinking but nothing else has changed. The behaviors of alcoholism are still there: the deceit, the immediate response to lie and spin tales, hiding things from you, and immaturity. And like with her drinking, you can't force her to be in a place she is not ready for. Just out of curiosity...are you sure she isn't still sneaking alcohol?
And your wife doesn't have the capacity to "explain" things to you. She is working hard enough to maintain her own denial to herself - that is quite a feat if you think about it for a while. When is the last time you went to great lengths to lie to yourself? It takes a lot of energy to deflect reality creeping in from every angle.
What you describe is a dry drunk - a person who is no longer drinking but nothing else has changed. The behaviors of alcoholism are still there: the deceit, the immediate response to lie and spin tales, hiding things from you, and immaturity. And like with her drinking, you can't force her to be in a place she is not ready for. Just out of curiosity...are you sure she isn't still sneaking alcohol?
She does keep a good supply of NyQuill around though.
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I have another question. I don't go out of my way to be nasty to her. I try to just live the most "normal" life I can. But for some reason she chooses to be aggresive towrds me.
Like I have some sort of disease or something. Some days I wish I would have never gotten invloved and let the alcoholism take her where it would.
Like I have some sort of disease or something. Some days I wish I would have never gotten invloved and let the alcoholism take her where it would.
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Originally Posted by PLEXI50W
I have another question. I don't go out of my way to be nasty to her. I try to just live the most "normal" life I can. But for some reason she chooses to be aggresive towrds me.
Like I have some sort of disease or something. Some days I wish I would have never gotten invloved and let the alcoholism take her where it would.
Like I have some sort of disease or something. Some days I wish I would have never gotten invloved and let the alcoholism take her where it would.
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Plex, there is a great book you should read...the title is misleading but the content is spot on. Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drews. It addresses the crazy-making behaviors one might come across when dealing with alcoholism. You can find it on Amazon.
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Plex, there is a great book you should read...the title is misleading but the content is spot on. Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drews. It addresses the crazy-making behaviors one might come across when dealing with alcoholism. You can find it on Amazon.
So is it good for dealing with after "sobriety" as in more than stopped drinking?
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Originally Posted by Florence
This is pretty familiar. My AH had a very serious lifetime drinking problem (since childhood) and full blown addiction, a lot of which was invisible to me thanks to ignorance and denial. He started trying to quit almost three years ago. It took him about a year to get any significant sober time under his belt because of the secret relapses. He's been more or less sober for the last year or so, some smallish relapses. We haven't been living together for about 5-6 months, after his latest relapse. He goes between full commitment to meetings to nothing at all, "too busy," "my job is more important right now," lots of excuses. When he lived here, his compulsion for candy and sugar was pretty crazy, and sometimes he would sneak candy the same way he used to sneak alcohol. He preferred to sleep on the couch and not with me, easily 5-6 nights a week. Our sex life was totally non-existent. He was/is on some meds that might have something to do with the libido, but ultimately what mattered to me was that I had needs for intimacy that weren't being met (sexual and otherwise) and this was totally not a priority for him. He is very passive and has a hard time dealing with any conflict or hardship head on. He can't or won't talk about money, marital friction, or anything else that requires him to deal with conflict. He passes all that on to me or does nothing. Some of his tastes in pastimes or culture felt immature sometimes, but I can't fault him too much for that -- you should see my TV viewing habits.
A lot of the time it felt like he was on a slow slide back to relapse, and typically I was right. Once I was clued in, the signs were pretty clear. I decided a couple of things. His unwillingness to attend individual counseling is a dealbreaker for me. The latest research shows that throwing people who have just detoxed into a support group ONLY have poor success rates. His treatment team agrees he needs to be in individual counseling if he wants to be clean for the long haul, especially since he has chronic mental health issues that inform the addiction.
Another thing I decided is that my needs are needs and they aren't negotiable. I need affection in a relationship, and expecting hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection in a committed romantic relationship is not an unrealistic expectation. If he can't meet those needs, I need to leave the relationship because otherwise I'm miserable.
About the "nothing else in her life" thing, when my AH briefly saw a therapist, the therapist made a list of things people do if they expect to THRIVE in recovery. He was trying to make the point that you can get clean, but if you're just passively sitting around waiting for fun and exciting things to happen to you, you're probably going to turn back to the drink. Thriving on the other hand involved being physical and doing physical activities, making sober friends who you can do sober activities with on a regular basis, volunteering, making things with your hands, otherwise being creative and engaged in the world, with your families, laughter, gratitude. My AH has social anxiety issues that make this really hard -- BUT, nothing changes until it changes. I tried to encourage him to do all of these things and made time for him to do things for himself along with meetings and whatnot, and he usually chose not to of his own free will.
My AH is a young man, and I'm still madly attracted to him, the kids miss him, and he's basically sober. But the hard thing I learned is that drying him out wasn't a magic fix, and that until he decides how he wants his life to look, we can't live in this miserable limbo. I asked him to leave and we are separated indefinitely. I do my own thing and it's better than the alternative for now.
A lot of the time it felt like he was on a slow slide back to relapse, and typically I was right. Once I was clued in, the signs were pretty clear. I decided a couple of things. His unwillingness to attend individual counseling is a dealbreaker for me. The latest research shows that throwing people who have just detoxed into a support group ONLY have poor success rates. His treatment team agrees he needs to be in individual counseling if he wants to be clean for the long haul, especially since he has chronic mental health issues that inform the addiction.
Another thing I decided is that my needs are needs and they aren't negotiable. I need affection in a relationship, and expecting hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection in a committed romantic relationship is not an unrealistic expectation. If he can't meet those needs, I need to leave the relationship because otherwise I'm miserable.
About the "nothing else in her life" thing, when my AH briefly saw a therapist, the therapist made a list of things people do if they expect to THRIVE in recovery. He was trying to make the point that you can get clean, but if you're just passively sitting around waiting for fun and exciting things to happen to you, you're probably going to turn back to the drink. Thriving on the other hand involved being physical and doing physical activities, making sober friends who you can do sober activities with on a regular basis, volunteering, making things with your hands, otherwise being creative and engaged in the world, with your families, laughter, gratitude. My AH has social anxiety issues that make this really hard -- BUT, nothing changes until it changes. I tried to encourage him to do all of these things and made time for him to do things for himself along with meetings and whatnot, and he usually chose not to of his own free will.
My AH is a young man, and I'm still madly attracted to him, the kids miss him, and he's basically sober. But the hard thing I learned is that drying him out wasn't a magic fix, and that until he decides how he wants his life to look, we can't live in this miserable limbo. I asked him to leave and we are separated indefinitely. I do my own thing and it's better than the alternative for now.
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Well my son and daughter are on different sides of the fence. My wife was drunk 95% of the time so my daughter didn't have a mother. So I became mom/dad. Smae thing for my son.
Now my daughter and wife will do anything to have a relationship with each other. Not that it's perfect, they fight all the time. But my wife has managed to poison my daughter in believing things that are not true.
So I get "I don't like how you are" from her with no reasoning behind it. My son on the other hand is wise beyond his 12 years. He sees what's going on, and truly hates the situation, and feels sorry for me.
I feel like I've held up my end of this marraige and some. My wife, not so much. Man, I just want a semi-normal life again.
Now my daughter and wife will do anything to have a relationship with each other. Not that it's perfect, they fight all the time. But my wife has managed to poison my daughter in believing things that are not true.
So I get "I don't like how you are" from her with no reasoning behind it. My son on the other hand is wise beyond his 12 years. He sees what's going on, and truly hates the situation, and feels sorry for me.
I feel like I've held up my end of this marraige and some. My wife, not so much. Man, I just want a semi-normal life again.
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Originally Posted by PLEXI50W
Man, I just want a semi-normal life again.
It has recently dawned on me that 'normal' is a bit of an illusion, our lives are completely different now & will always be different than what they used to be. If I keep waiting for 'normal', I'm going to be disappointed over & over again. So I have to focus on redefining 'normal' now that we have been through all of these changes individually & as a family. We will always be in recovery from alcoholism & codependency.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Plex, for what it's worth, even after RAH has spent 18 months of working a program & staying sober I still long for a 'semi-normal life again'. And when I think about it seriously I realize that whatever normal was for us obviously wasn't working or we wouldn't have progressed to this point, so do I realllllly want that back again?
It has recently dawned on me that 'normal' is a bit of an illusion, our lives are completely different now & will always be different than what they used to be. If I keep waiting for 'normal', I'm going to be disappointed over & over again. So I have to focus on redefining 'normal' now that we have been through all of these changes individually & as a family. We will always be in recovery from alcoholism & codependency.
It has recently dawned on me that 'normal' is a bit of an illusion, our lives are completely different now & will always be different than what they used to be. If I keep waiting for 'normal', I'm going to be disappointed over & over again. So I have to focus on redefining 'normal' now that we have been through all of these changes individually & as a family. We will always be in recovery from alcoholism & codependency.
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Originally Posted by PLEXI50W
Well to put it mildly, that f**king sucks. Who wants to build a time machine with me
I'm looking for a "New Normal", a "HEALTHY" normal. And I think I'm working toward that, in small steps. So, no - I don't want to go back to the way things were, because I'd probably end up in the same place I am now. I want to grow, and learn, and become a better me, and continue to raise the bar on what 'normal' is.
My 2 pennies. Thanks!
C-OH Dad
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Sometimes I feel that way - I just want to go back in time to a point where the ground felt solid under my feet & I didn't question my spouse & my trust & faith in him hadn't been damaged. But it's unrealistic. In this way, sometimes if feels like it would be easier (IMHO) to walk away & start over in a new relationship. I feel like there's all these rules & restrictions & details that anchor me down.
But that's a bad day, it isn't always that way. We also have some really good days where his growth in recovery is more obvious & I can tell that he's really trying to fix the most broken parts of himself. And ME TOO! I'm growing a LOT in ways I didn't know were even necessary so I have a newfound appreciation for a lot of things in life. I don't want to go back to being the very codependent person that I was. My sickness was so insidious that I had NO CLUE how sick I was. I know I'm not done growing yet so I can't imagine how he could be either.
The key is in the recovery. Just abstaining from drinking isn't enough for either of us in the relationship if we aren't working to fix the problems that brought 'us' to alcoholism in the 1st place. Under it all the damage is still there waiting to be fixed. And we all win if we stop this cycle here & keep DD from being another lifelong victim. As I build my toolkit, I help her build hers as well. I'm doing everything in my power to give her the best foundation to go forward in life as a healthy person.
My new normal might not be the same, but it's not all bad either. He's 18 months into recovery now, I figure I won't really have an idea of what our 'new normal' is until he's 5 yrs into his recovery.
But that's a bad day, it isn't always that way. We also have some really good days where his growth in recovery is more obvious & I can tell that he's really trying to fix the most broken parts of himself. And ME TOO! I'm growing a LOT in ways I didn't know were even necessary so I have a newfound appreciation for a lot of things in life. I don't want to go back to being the very codependent person that I was. My sickness was so insidious that I had NO CLUE how sick I was. I know I'm not done growing yet so I can't imagine how he could be either.
The key is in the recovery. Just abstaining from drinking isn't enough for either of us in the relationship if we aren't working to fix the problems that brought 'us' to alcoholism in the 1st place. Under it all the damage is still there waiting to be fixed. And we all win if we stop this cycle here & keep DD from being another lifelong victim. As I build my toolkit, I help her build hers as well. I'm doing everything in my power to give her the best foundation to go forward in life as a healthy person.
My new normal might not be the same, but it's not all bad either. He's 18 months into recovery now, I figure I won't really have an idea of what our 'new normal' is until he's 5 yrs into his recovery.
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When a person stops drinking but does nothing else to resolve the underlying issues
of the alcoholism they many time are referred to as a "Dry Drunk."
Now I was going to say that about your wife, HOWEVER as I was reading this
whole thread in one of your posts you stated:
Your wife is NOT sober. Your wife is still drinking just not enough and that is part
of why she is the way she is. She is still in alcoholic denial. She is getting some
alcohol, but using the sweets to keep from getting more when her body since it
is 'tweaked' by the Nyquil WANTS MORE.
Nyquil is 10% alcohol or 20 proof. More than many wines.
I believe or hope you understand that you CANNOT help her.
I suspect that the only reason she said she would stop was to get you off her back. We
alkies when practicing will say anything just to get 'you' (all who tried with me) off my
back. I think as you read the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum and some of the
other threads, you will see that if 'love and caring' could have fixed our
A's none of us would be here.
As for her explaining things to you, nope ain't going to happen. Not until she
is ready to find recovery, and she is the only who can make that decision.
Now, what can you do for you? Well as has been suggested, check out some
Alanon meetings, at least 6 different ones to see which one you feel a bit
more comfortable at than others. I would also ask if the therapist you are
seeing specializes in Addiction and if he does not, then it might be time to
find one that does. You see when we are with our A's for a number of years
we as co dependents can and do become as addicted to them as they are to
their alcohol and/or drugs. Besides those that specialize in addictions also
have experience in dealing with the loved ones of A's.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but am happy that you have found
a safe place to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We are
here for you.
Just remember your wife is not 'in recovery' and is only dry when over 24
hours has passed since her last swig of Nyquil, and then her cravings are
driving her and out comes the sweets or rather she goes and sneaks some
sweets.
And one more thing to ponder on for a bit. Even if and when your AW does
find recovery, she may never again be that woman you remember before
all this started. With recovery and working on one's self come many changes,
I know I sure did and others I have worked with over the years
did also.
The same for Alanon, those that work those 12 steps in order to
learn how
to live those 12 steps, do not become the person they used to
be, they
become BETTER so much BETTER and end up having a pretty
good life
with or without the A in their lives.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Love and hugs,
of the alcoholism they many time are referred to as a "Dry Drunk."
Now I was going to say that about your wife, HOWEVER as I was reading this
whole thread in one of your posts you stated:
She does keep a good supply of NyQuill around though.
of why she is the way she is. She is still in alcoholic denial. She is getting some
alcohol, but using the sweets to keep from getting more when her body since it
is 'tweaked' by the Nyquil WANTS MORE.
Nyquil is 10% alcohol or 20 proof. More than many wines.
I believe or hope you understand that you CANNOT help her.
If I wouldn't have stepped in she would probablly be dead, or close to it by now.
If I seem a bit pissed off, well yes I am. I mad that things didn't turn out how I
thought they would, and that my wife does not care enough to at least explain
things to me.
If I seem a bit pissed off, well yes I am. I mad that things didn't turn out how I
thought they would, and that my wife does not care enough to at least explain
things to me.
alkies when practicing will say anything just to get 'you' (all who tried with me) off my
back. I think as you read the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum and some of the
other threads, you will see that if 'love and caring' could have fixed our
A's none of us would be here.
As for her explaining things to you, nope ain't going to happen. Not until she
is ready to find recovery, and she is the only who can make that decision.
Now, what can you do for you? Well as has been suggested, check out some
Alanon meetings, at least 6 different ones to see which one you feel a bit
more comfortable at than others. I would also ask if the therapist you are
seeing specializes in Addiction and if he does not, then it might be time to
find one that does. You see when we are with our A's for a number of years
we as co dependents can and do become as addicted to them as they are to
their alcohol and/or drugs. Besides those that specialize in addictions also
have experience in dealing with the loved ones of A's.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but am happy that you have found
a safe place to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We are
here for you.
Just remember your wife is not 'in recovery' and is only dry when over 24
hours has passed since her last swig of Nyquil, and then her cravings are
driving her and out comes the sweets or rather she goes and sneaks some
sweets.
And one more thing to ponder on for a bit. Even if and when your AW does
find recovery, she may never again be that woman you remember before
all this started. With recovery and working on one's self come many changes,
I know I sure did and others I have worked with over the years
did also.
The same for Alanon, those that work those 12 steps in order to
learn how
to live those 12 steps, do not become the person they used to
be, they
become BETTER so much BETTER and end up having a pretty
good life
with or without the A in their lives.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Love and hugs,
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