What can I do about AH worrying the children? Aie!
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What can I do about AH worrying the children? Aie!
Well, with the fresh news that I am seeking a legal separation, STBXAH picks up the phone and talks to the children at a time he knows I am off on errands. He fills our 15 year old boy with his own self centered nonsense. 'I drink but only 2 beers a day. Your mother is just over sensitive to people's normal drinking since her parents don't drink. The family doctor says I am not an alcoholic.' 'Your mother is living a luxurious lifestyle while I am doing all the work.' 'We have piles of debt thanks to her.' Basically, the old poor him story that he is telling everyone.
But this is a child, granted a maturing one, who goes to sleep and wakes to all the worries put in his head, plus his own. This man doesn't seem to remember that he is a father with responsibilities to protect, nurture and care for his child. Thanks to him my children see me working frantically to singlehandedly raise all 4 of them in this tiny place. I have no bedroom, no car, no computer, and a mess of a financial situation which I have been rushing to reorganize for the lawyer. But with the idea from Dad, they tell me I should work because it isn't fair that I spend all of Daddy's money!
Anyway, Talking to AH is only trouble. Is there any way to protect the children from their fathers lies, anxiety-provoking threats of financial doom, angry words and woe-is-me attitudes?
BTW, last night he tells me I and the children have had and continue to have no health care since last month when he changed jobs.
But this is a child, granted a maturing one, who goes to sleep and wakes to all the worries put in his head, plus his own. This man doesn't seem to remember that he is a father with responsibilities to protect, nurture and care for his child. Thanks to him my children see me working frantically to singlehandedly raise all 4 of them in this tiny place. I have no bedroom, no car, no computer, and a mess of a financial situation which I have been rushing to reorganize for the lawyer. But with the idea from Dad, they tell me I should work because it isn't fair that I spend all of Daddy's money!
Anyway, Talking to AH is only trouble. Is there any way to protect the children from their fathers lies, anxiety-provoking threats of financial doom, angry words and woe-is-me attitudes?
BTW, last night he tells me I and the children have had and continue to have no health care since last month when he changed jobs.
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To put it more succintly, AH paints a portrait to us of our family headed towards financial doom because of my efforts to divorce him. He wants the children to believe that they will struggle in my care to have enough money to buy groceries. And he wants us to believe that if I had cooperated with him somehow, everything would have been fine.
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sorry for your situation, pippi.
When my wife was abusing alcohol & pills a few years ago, I reacted with a lot of anger because I was working to pay all the bills & slowly having to take on more of her responsibility as she became more unreliable. I was pist. In my raging to try & get her to turn around, my sons became more afraid of me than my drunken, pilled-up wife. So I started going to Alanon.
I know our situations are slightly different, but I found that by taking care of myself a bit & focusing on what I could do differently & trying to not have my day depend on whether she was having a "good" day or not.....things got a lot better.
I think if you try (oh, I know it's hard) to calmly take care of what you need to, and don't get involved with arguments with you AH, your kids will eventually see who's telling the truth. Addict/alkies get pretty frantic when the people closest to them stop doing the co-de dance with them.
When my wife was abusing alcohol & pills a few years ago, I reacted with a lot of anger because I was working to pay all the bills & slowly having to take on more of her responsibility as she became more unreliable. I was pist. In my raging to try & get her to turn around, my sons became more afraid of me than my drunken, pilled-up wife. So I started going to Alanon.
I know our situations are slightly different, but I found that by taking care of myself a bit & focusing on what I could do differently & trying to not have my day depend on whether she was having a "good" day or not.....things got a lot better.
I think if you try (oh, I know it's hard) to calmly take care of what you need to, and don't get involved with arguments with you AH, your kids will eventually see who's telling the truth. Addict/alkies get pretty frantic when the people closest to them stop doing the co-de dance with them.
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Hey Pippi, i agree with Coraltint that your STBXAH is probably getting frantic because he's not making much of an impression. My otherwise OK XH once vented to my son and distressed him. All I could really say was that he didn't have to buy into it and take sides. I suppose it depends on the age of the children, but presenting a calm in control exterior will help them feel secure. With an older child, you could explain a bit more, but in neutral tones. Not to worry him, but just give him some perspective on why you need to make certain decisions.
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Hi, thank you. I think you are both absolutely correct a out this.
AH is arriving tomorrow and I am suddenly finding myself getting completely wound up. I am losing my center and my calm. He's back to starting fires in my forest and I am reacting by running Round trying to fix everything like a ninny.
Thanks for the wise words and I will try to get back to calm.
AH is arriving tomorrow and I am suddenly finding myself getting completely wound up. I am losing my center and my calm. He's back to starting fires in my forest and I am reacting by running Round trying to fix everything like a ninny.
Thanks for the wise words and I will try to get back to calm.
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I agree remain calm. I would speak with the children - I am not sure I would try and defend myself rather say "Your father is upset - he shouldn't be saying these these things they aren't accurate. We will be fine. I can't control what Dad says to you so I hope you will trust me and come to me if you are worried".
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Be sure and let your lawyer know about this. Some separation/divorce orders specifically provide that issues surrounding the other parent, or the separation/divorce, are not to be discussed with the children.
Agree, though, with what the others have suggested, as well. Kids eventually do figure out who can be trusted to tell them the truth.
Agree, though, with what the others have suggested, as well. Kids eventually do figure out who can be trusted to tell them the truth.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Stay open and honest with your children. Your stbxah is trying to create friction and continue to control the mood of your home life. Simply don't let him. If you shrug it off and don't spin on it - then the kids will learn not to pay attention to it either. Whatever you do; don't let stbxah know that your son discussed this with you and don't defend yourself to stbxah - otherwise you are putting your son in the middle. Once the dust settles from the legality of it all, it really does get easier.
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Can you get your son into alateen? And counseling, too once the insurance returns.
My father never drank but exhibits the same level of narcissism that alcoholics and addicts do. What he is doing to your son is the same thing my dad did to my oldest brother during the divorce. My brother started abusing drugs and alcohol as a teen. Many years later and after a great deal of pain he's unraveling the incorrect thinking that led to his addiction. My dad continues to be a source of pain and confusion for all of us even as adults. He's angry and bitter and never stopped trying to damage us for his own sick ends. Sometimes I wish he was an alcoholic because it would be easier to understand his behavior.
I don't agree with taking a "they will see the truth" approach.
This isn't a popularity contest where the problem is simply who they see to be the parent doing the right thing. It is about their long term mental health and how to live a happy life despite having a father who mentally abuses them. Each of us had a different experience. I was the youngest and saw the least amount of nonsense during the divorce, but my father didn't become easier to deal with as I grew older. I believe today that I could have benefited greatly from long- term therapy to help me understand and cope with every aspect of the disfunction.
My father never drank but exhibits the same level of narcissism that alcoholics and addicts do. What he is doing to your son is the same thing my dad did to my oldest brother during the divorce. My brother started abusing drugs and alcohol as a teen. Many years later and after a great deal of pain he's unraveling the incorrect thinking that led to his addiction. My dad continues to be a source of pain and confusion for all of us even as adults. He's angry and bitter and never stopped trying to damage us for his own sick ends. Sometimes I wish he was an alcoholic because it would be easier to understand his behavior.
I don't agree with taking a "they will see the truth" approach.
This isn't a popularity contest where the problem is simply who they see to be the parent doing the right thing. It is about their long term mental health and how to live a happy life despite having a father who mentally abuses them. Each of us had a different experience. I was the youngest and saw the least amount of nonsense during the divorce, but my father didn't become easier to deal with as I grew older. I believe today that I could have benefited greatly from long- term therapy to help me understand and cope with every aspect of the disfunction.
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Originally Posted by coraltint 
When my wife was abusing alcohol & pills a few years ago, I reacted with a lot of anger because I was working to pay all the bills & slowly having to take on more of her responsibility as she became more unreliable. I was pist. In my raging to try & get her to turn around, my sons became more afraid of me than my drunken, pilled-up wife. So I started going to Alanon.
And no, unfortunately not all kids see the truth, not when one parent has stellar manipulation skills.
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Ive seen this before in divorces even without addiction some cough* parents (using the word lightly here)
Find it important that if they cannot bully the spouse or soon to be ex spouse then they push the kids to bully them. This is what it is much to our own recognition we know addicts use this tactic anyhow. So its no surprise really however I agree with others to inform your lawyer abput the conversation but
Dont be surprised if the judge asks your son to speak about the conversation which is usually the case.
I dont know what else you can do otherwise but try to be there when they talk.
Find it important that if they cannot bully the spouse or soon to be ex spouse then they push the kids to bully them. This is what it is much to our own recognition we know addicts use this tactic anyhow. So its no surprise really however I agree with others to inform your lawyer abput the conversation but
Dont be surprised if the judge asks your son to speak about the conversation which is usually the case.
I dont know what else you can do otherwise but try to be there when they talk.
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