Crazed

So I am a bourbon drinker (2 or 3 drinks, 2 nights per week, sometimes 3). While over the years (especially when younger) I have flirted with crossing the border between social drinking and problem drinking, but I never considered myself to be an alcoholic (never interfered with life obligations, no physical dependence, etc)

Is drinking frowned upon in Al-anon? Or is it thought to be inconsiderate around alcoholics? While dining out, I would tend to not drink around EXAG... But she would often tell me to have a drink, as alcoholism was "her problem." She would never drink my bourbon, which I often had in the house. She sometimes would actually encourage me to drink, as one or two would "make me less uptight." But crossing into the point of drunk was frowned upon, which I would rarely do around her.

Is it necessary for one in a relationship with recovering alcoholic to quit drinking? Or can the 2 different personalities co-exist?

Curious for input/opinions....

DesertEyes

Perhaps if you exchange alcohol for some other situation it might be easier to answer that question.

Suppose you went to a meeting of people who are recovering from serious and life-threatening burns. People who have lost siblings, children, parents, or spouses to horrible fires. How do you think those people would feel if you started juggling flaming torches?

Alanoids have suffered some of the most horrible things in life due to alcohol. My experience is that they are understandably shocked and sensitive to the whole subject.

Depends on the alcoholic. My thought is that you'd have to ask the individual person, and that you'll get a different answer from every person you ask.

Mike

NewbieJ

I don't know if it's necessary, but I know some in recovery who are just starting out have trouble being around it. Others have no issue.

I chose to stop drinking around AH because I didn't want it to seem like oh, no big deal, let's just drink together. I understand the three C's, but for me it felt like enabling, trivializing the issue? Hard to explain but I felt better when I stopped. Would have been nice to lose some weight from it though!

Recovering2

When my BF would stop drinking (dry drunk) he would insist that it was okay for me to have wine with dinner. Same thing....he felt it was his issue with alcohol and not mine. He would say he needed to learn that people drink in the world. So I would have my wine with dinner. Big mistake. He would relapse, and then mention my drinking.

Now that he went to an inpatient and is seriously working his recovery program, I have learned that I can't drink in front of him. I wouldn't drive him to a bar, and I'm not going to bring the bar home either. So no alcohol in our home, and I never have a drink in his company....never. Now, I recently went out of town with friends, and I enjoyed wine with dinner. But only because he wasn't there, and I wouldn't be going home that evening.

I think (my opinion) that when they are in early recovery it's a bad idea to put it in front of them. They have enough to deal with. I have a friend who's spouse has been sober for 18 years....it doesn't bother him to be around it, but he has years of sobriety under his belt.

I love the flaming torches analogy....brilliant!

ReflectingOnMe

As a *insert national weightloss company brand here* dieter/lifestyle changer; I wouldn't ask others to not eat dessert around me; because I was abstaining from it. I once explained this to xabf - his addiction to alcohol was like my addiction to food - celebrate = eat; sad = eat; mad = eat; frustrated = eat. I will actually salivate (still) when thinking about certain types of foods. He could eat what and how much he wanted, anyone in my life can - it is up to me to make the decision on whether or not to eat it too. I feel the same way with alcohol. I like the occassional drink; a's cant expect the entire world not to drink - just like I can't ask the entire world to not eat yummy foods around me. xabf never attempted sobriety (with me); but had he - I wouldn't have had any alcohol in the house (to remove temptation from our home); but I would have had drinks when out to dinner - just like he would have had the thousand calorie cheesy pasta meal while I nibbled a salad like a freaking rabbit and passed on rolls!

LexieCat

People who are well-established in their sobriety generally don't have a problem being around it in social situations. I still, after four and a half years, would not care to keep it in my home. Neither would my first husband, who has 33 years of sobriety.

But early sobriety (at least the first year or so) is kind of fragile. A lot of recovering alcoholics encourage others to go ahead and drink. I would not expect others to accommodate my situation, but I would expect ME to. So I avoided social drinking situations for the first several months, and if I found I HAD to go somewhere there was drinking, I made my appearances brief and had an escape plan if it became uncomfortable. It's not worth risking my sobriety.

But I will tell you that I did not drink around my partners in recovery for the first several months, regardless of what they said about it. My long-time sober ex often tells me, now, how much he appreciated that when he was more fragile than he realized.

If you become "uptight" when you can't drink, you would do well to consider your own relationship with alcohol.

FireSprite

I think it definitely varies for each recovering alcoholic & how sensitive they are to being around it. My personal experience is that RAH made it clear that his sobriety cannot depend on me or my actions otherwise he is destined to fail at some point. I do occasionally have a drink around him & usually if we are going out I have a couple. I like my vodka but I have no problem stopping at a drink or 2. I may drink every night for a month & then not touch a drop for many months..... or just drink a couple here & there a couple of times a month. There's really no rhyme or reason, it just depends on how I feel or what's going on socially.

That said, I felt uncomfortable with it in the very beginning of his recovery. It felt awkward & we were both still working on defining boundaries.

HopefulmomtoD

After seeing what alcohol has done to my RAS, I no longer drink nor do we keep it in the house. That said, I was only a social drinker (once or twice a month ... maybe).

Crazed

Thanks you all for the comments.

....It's not that I get uptight when I can't drink. I am a pretty TYPE-A person, so I tend to be uptight all the time