cambell

I met my boyfriend 16 months ago knowing he was a recovering alcoholic.He was sober for 12 years prior to us meeting.7 months into the relationship was amazing, he was thoughtful,kind,honest and not to mention very nice to look at! These last 8 months have been HELL 6 trips to ER,one treatment centre, on and off sobriety all the while claiming this is the last time he says hes going to stop.I got a call yesterday and he once again relapsed.Happy Valentine to me. My defect in this relationship was not knowing what alcoholism really was and i know now i was enabling him/still am.Im a 44 year old single mom...i did not get into a relationship for years after my divorce because i wanted to work on ME...I thought i met the man of my dreams after years of being on my own. Now what?...i feel lost,confused,tired,regected,unworthy and i feel like its my fault that he is where he is.He was sober for 12 years and had a sober relationship.Im jealous because she never had to deal with what im dealing with.What the hell!...Ive been to meetings,talked with friends,read books...i dunno. Right now as im on this site, he calls.I havent answered.Im trying to be strong and walk away.Im trying to tell myself this is not my fault but at the same time im having a pity party for myself asking myself how the hell did i get myself into this? why me? what damn lesson am i supposed to learn?

I am hoping someone on this site will give me "insight" and support.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my story.

italiungrl

I am also new on this site, and I ask the same question why me?
I don't necessarily believe that things happen for a reason theoretically,
I do believe that god has his hand in this.
I have reached for my faith more this time around so maybe that's mine?

Good Luck you will find alot of very knowledgeable folks here with much wisdom.



"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
Vernon Law

dollydo

Welcome....don't be hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, the idea is to learn from them so we do not rinse & repeat.

He has a disease that has no cure, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program for life, or not...that is it.
The chance of relapse is always there.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, learn all you can about this awful disease that has tenacles that adversely affect all that they come in contact with.

We are here for you, keep posting.

SparkleKitty

Alcoholism has turned so many lives upside down -- it is a baffling disease, and I'm so sorry it's come into your life and made it difficult.

First and foremost try to remember the three C's of dealing with an alcoholic -- they can save your sanity!

We didn't Cause it,
We can't Control it,
We can't Cure it.

It's easy to take on the guilt and blame when it seems like no one else will, but try to be gentle and forgiving with yourself. A lot of smart, together people have had their lives torn apart by alcoholism -- you are not alone.

cambell

Thank you to those who responded.....Makes me feel a little better.

ReflectingOnMe

There are so many of us with a similar story. Glad you found us. There is so much support here.

cambell

I do have one question. He is taking Antabuse. I guess he stopped taking it, otherwise he would get violently ill.Di he plan this? Anyone here ever expierianced this?

dancingnow

When my AH and I were separated he was taking antabuse or something like it and it was helping him at first but then he said he stopped taking it because he couldn't stop drinking and it was making him sick.

Curious - was antabuse what kept your ABF drinking all these 12 years or did he also follow a program of recovery? (Sorry if this seems like a naive question.)

Just wondering as my RAH is not actively drinking and is following a program. I don't think he would be even half as successful not drinking if he wasn't attending AA, even if he decided to take the antabuse again.

Hope you don't get sucked up into blaming yourself and trying desperately to get your ABF to stop drinking. Even if he has been sober 12 years I've seen enough of the crazyness of this disease to know you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

(((HUGS))) to you. Take care.

Sue

cambell

hello...I wasn't with him during those 12 years of sobriety...I met him afterward. I asked him if he was taking Antabuse during those sober years and he said no.He was going to meetings,had a sponser. As I speak he does have a sponser,weekly visits to his monitor for screening and aa meetings as well. I don't know what happened. I feel ripped off. I get 7 months of sobriety and the last 8 months of pure anguish. Ill get strong and rebuild once again. Ive done it before, I can do it again. How long will it take,do I tell my kids?

LexieCat

Tell them what? That he's drinking?

I dunno, how old are they? Do they live with you? Does HE live with you? If so, I assume they know he's drinking.

Alcoholics can, and do, sometimes relapse after years of sobriety. The longer they are sober, particularly if they are actively working an ongoing program, the less likely relapse is, but it's always possible. People with cancer sometimes relapse after years in remission, too. Usually, if such people manage to "make it back" from a relapse they can later identify what some of the reasons were, but he probably doesn't know for sure, right now, himself.

Recovering2

Whatever his reason for relapse....you are NOT to blame. The decision to drink after years of sobriety is his and his alone. He could have called his sponsor and asked for help, could have found a meeting, etc. But he relapsed. It's now his problem to get out of, not yours. We all ask ourselves how we got into this mess, but I think it's important not to beat yourself up over it. You can't do anything about his choices, you can only control what you do. You don't have a huge amount of time invested in this person, think long and hard about what you want long term. This will always be the risk with an A partner.

ninja07

My ABF took antibuse - he stopped so he could drink - pretended to take it for a week so he could drink again. I would say it was planed.

marie1960

"My defect in this relationship was not knowing what alcoholism really was"
(cambell)

Cambell, I did not know anything about the disease of alcoholism either. I was stumbling around in the pitch dark, hitting the brick wall and God yes, it hurts.

I am sorry that your life is currently compromised. All I know for sure, 16 months is a drop in the bucket in comparison to the rest of your life. If it were me, I would let go, take a step back and allow him the dignity to do whatever it is he is going to do. You really cannot help him.

Living with an active addict is pure hell. But the choice remains YOURS.
As far as the lesson, perhaps you now know what YOU find unacceptable in a partner. Hugs to you.

ninja07

I grew up with both my mom and dad being alcoholics, my sister's first husband was a raging alcoholic and still I do not know what alcoholism really is. I think it sneaks in and takes what we most love and uses it in ways we will never expect or understand. If there was an true evil in this world I feel like alcohol is it. Marie is right, we don't have to live with it. Thank you for the reminder!