TakingCharge999

Know that you are dearly loved, iamthird. Feel it.

CodeNameGiggles

I hope you're doing well and everything goes smoothly. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon/evening.

Rosiepetal

I am praying for you darling.
The very best of luck for your surgery.

Redheadsusie

Sending love and prayers and wonderful beautiful thoughts for you and your kids! You are strong and their are great things ahead for you! Fondly,

Kimmieh

Thinking of you!

Robh850

You are not alone. We are all with you, I hope all goes well and you are back soon with a speedy recovery.

iamthird

I am sitting here in dr office waiting for follow up appt to my surgery to see what next step is, more chemo, radiation, etc..i cry as soon as im alone in the exam room. It appears that everyone has someone but me here.

To make things worse I engaged with separated AH this morning, self inflicted I know. He informed me he changed his schedule to work night hours so it can accomodate my new treatment regimen, whatever it may be. I appreciate it because i do need help with logistics and child, but I cant fully let my guard down enough to trust him. He does kind things and then not long after, he will do something cruel to almost show me he will not get too close to me.

Being ill, I have this overwhelming desire to be at peace with him and it sucks me in and then he goes for the juggular and then i remember the phrase "cunning and baffling". He is really insulting and demeaning and then he will do something soulful and loving. Its just crazy. I am just as crazy for allowing him to help when he does.

AnvilheadII

ah sweetie, if we could we'd ALL be there with you! gentle hugs.

EnglishGarden

God bless you today, iamthird. I will hold you in my heart and prayers all day long. I pray that everyone who crosses your path today is kind and loving toward you. You were on my mind when I woke up this morning and I was going to PM you. We all are with you and believe in you.

Seren

Prayers for healing headed your way!

LexieCat

Hang in there, kiddo--massive hugs and good thoughts. You've been doing good.

Let him help however he does, and don't examine it too closely. Accept it for what it is.

ShootingStar1

You can take the help for what it is - actions - like childcare and whatever else he does - and leave all the emotional import behind.

It is the least he can do. And it doesn't mean that he is any better or any more able to have a real relationship or a healthy one. It just means that he is doing stuff. And that is useful for you right now.

So leave him in the dust emotionally, and come here to us for support, and to all those who truly love you; whether or not they are in your physical space, they are with you in heart.

ShootingStar1

dollydo

If it makes you feel better to let your hubby back in, then do so. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Recovering2

You know the saying "Take what you like and leave the rest"? Well, apply that to your AH right now. Take the help he offers when you need it, and leave the rest of the emotional stuff behind. There is nothing weak or codie about letting him help you right now. Take it for what it is, don't read into it or get caught up in it.

I have another idea. There are HUNDREDS of us on this site to support you. There may very well be someone geographically close to you who could be available for Dr's Appointments, etc. Consider posting your location, just city/state. If someone is close to that location, they can private message you. I know if you live in my area, I will make myself available.

redatlanta

i would help out too - if you live anywhere in N. Georgia let me know.

iamthird

This is so sweet everyone. I am in Orange County, California.

I had therapist this evening. He said I need to start working hard on acceptance and he is right. Just like Anvilhead said to me, my husbnd left. As cold and hard as that is, its true. He walked away and any nice gesture is probably out of his own guilt or he wouldnt be pushing me away moments later.

It definitely is a hard time to grieve but it is my reality. I cannot take his help because anything he does to build me up eventually contributes to the lows of lows I feel when he eventually throws his daggers.

Tired of it being about him. I need to take control and my life back. My therapist said tonight I cannot stop looking for support from him until I have support elsewhere. I need to keep reaching out on here, church, friends and support groups. I cannot rely on an active alcoholic. I cannot count on someone who is not reliable.

EnglishGarden

You are a California girl. According to the Beach Boys, you are number 1--not third!!

I hope your doctor consult went all right for you and am so glad to hear you had therapy later. That sacred space of therapy is so precious.....for me, anyway. I went through so much mental confusion regarding the addict's behavior that I needed somewhere to sit still and be guided through the briar patch that was my mind. I hope for you, too, the sessions will give you that peace. Sometimes, our dreams take over where the therapy left off.

You are right: you cannot rely on an active alcoholic. Not merely for practical help. You cannot rely on him to respect and honor you. They just don't.

I am hoping you sleep well tonight and maybe get a banana split tomorrow. You are doing great. You ARE great.

Argnotthisagain

I'm here thinking of you too, IamFIRST.

You're probably recovering now? I like what you said about looking for support elsewhere. I think it makes sense what your therapist said too, that you will keep wishing for support from him--and having denial struggles over the truth--until you have other friends for support.

Rest...every minute you get through is another minute closer to feeling better.

Praying for you...may you be surrounded with gentle caring friends and all the support you need.

Xoxoxo