AH is moving out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 35
AH is moving out
My AH is moving out on 3/1. Once I stated that I wanted a separation and that his declaration that he was done drinking, "last night was the last time!" didn't change how I felt, he moved very quickly to get his affairs in order. He also returned to drinking. I am very scared about the financial issues as well as worried about his drinking escalating while the children are in his care 8 nights a month. He currently does not drink every night so hope he will be able to refrain when the children are with him. I know the disease is progressive so anticipate that it is an issue I will have to revisit in the future. Other than that I am mostly at peace and trusting in a decision I have been trying to make for the last 18 months. I have much work to do on myself- how I got here and how to make sure I don't get here again, as well as how I can help my children heal and protect them as best I can in the future.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might want to seek a court order requiring supervised visitation. I'm not sure how old your kids are--can they call you if things go bad?
Good for you, for making this change that may give you some relief from having to be around the craziness 24/7.
Good for you, for making this change that may give you some relief from having to be around the craziness 24/7.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I agree with Lexie, it would be very wise to get a visitation set up by the family
court in your state, that way you could seek supervised visitation, since he is
still in active alcoholism.
I believe it would also give you a bit more peace of mind about when he is with
the children, and no with supervised visitation there would be no 'over nights'
until he could prove himself sober for quite some time.
Please keep posting and let us know how your are doing as we do care so much,
and we will walk with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
court in your state, that way you could seek supervised visitation, since he is
still in active alcoholism.
I believe it would also give you a bit more peace of mind about when he is with
the children, and no with supervised visitation there would be no 'over nights'
until he could prove himself sober for quite some time.
Please keep posting and let us know how your are doing as we do care so much,
and we will walk with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 35
My children are 9 & 10. I'm not sure that I could even get a court order. I need to look in to how that works. He's very functional so wouldn't it be my word against his? We agreed to custody on our own with me having primary physical and remaining in the family home.
Thank you for the support!
Thank you for the support!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I believe in every state where parents are separated, one or both can go to court for an order covering custody/parenting time, as well as child support. Usually if you file a motion you would attach a supporting affidavit. If he disagrees with the motion, the court will hold a hearing. The judge might also interview the children privately, in chambers.
If the judge thinks there is a possible issue about the safety of the kids, he might appoint someone to evaluate you both. If you have any friends and family members aware of his drinking problem, they can be witnesses. The standard in a civil matter such as this isn't like a criminal trial. The judge can decide credibility--who he thinks is more likely to be telling the truth.
It isn't as if you are trying to cut off all of his parental rights. It is much easier to get supervised visitation. No judge wants his/her name in the headlines after a tragedy happens.
If you can afford an attorney (or qualify for legal aid), it's best to have a lawyer. If not, though, you can call the family court and they can give you a packet of forms to file your own motion. Tell them what you are trying to accomplish and they will give you the right forms.
If the judge thinks there is a possible issue about the safety of the kids, he might appoint someone to evaluate you both. If you have any friends and family members aware of his drinking problem, they can be witnesses. The standard in a civil matter such as this isn't like a criminal trial. The judge can decide credibility--who he thinks is more likely to be telling the truth.
It isn't as if you are trying to cut off all of his parental rights. It is much easier to get supervised visitation. No judge wants his/her name in the headlines after a tragedy happens.
If you can afford an attorney (or qualify for legal aid), it's best to have a lawyer. If not, though, you can call the family court and they can give you a packet of forms to file your own motion. Tell them what you are trying to accomplish and they will give you the right forms.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
From my experience if you have reason to believe they may not be safe and/or you cannot monitor their safety I agree with the court order.
For me my kids were 9, 13, and 16 when we were separated. We started with every weekend with dad but had to switch to every other weekend because he was still actively drinking and couldn't maintain sobriety for more than what seemed like 2 weeks at a time.
In the beginning I generally dropped kids off and spoke with AH to make sure he wasn't drinking and called throughout the weekend to check. If I suspected something I spoke with the kids and made sure they felt ok.
Often in evening the kids were on their own, AH "went to bed early", but my 16 yo was there. They already knew not to get in a car with AH when drinking and he seemed to plan for that by just hanging around his apartment when they were there, sometimes he would go out on his own.
When older DD turned 18 she didn't always want to go to visit. There was a time when DD 15 and DS was 11 I received a call to come and get them not long after I dropped them off. AH was so plastered they did not want to be with him. I had stopped checking on him by then and let them decide what they wanted to do. There was also a time when AH came to pick up DS when he was 10, I wasn't here and DS told DD (17) that he didn't feel comfortable going in car with AH. That was the night he got a DUI, I was so grateful my DS spoke up for himself but heartbroken that our life was like this.
It was always my intention to give AH time to work on his recovery, but I just didn't want to live with him in those early days and I didn't want to interfere with his relationship with our kids. Every other weekend worked out for me, although I had to do the checking and had to rely on the kids to let me know if they were not comfortable.
9 and 10 seem a bit young for this. My youngest was comfortable telling his siblings, I don't think it would have worked for him to be on his own.
It will get worse unless your AH commits to getting and staying sober, even with that there are tough times to go through.
(((HUGS))) to you. Hope my sharing helps you clarify your own thoughts some.
My RAH is back living with us and is not actively drinking now, although I did go away for a little over a week and there seemed to be some uncomfortableness and my 19 yo had to come home from college over the weekend. I am not sure what it really was, it may have been my RAH inability to handle stress in this stage of his recovery. Not totally sure if he was drinking but if so, he seems to be ok now.
For me my kids were 9, 13, and 16 when we were separated. We started with every weekend with dad but had to switch to every other weekend because he was still actively drinking and couldn't maintain sobriety for more than what seemed like 2 weeks at a time.
In the beginning I generally dropped kids off and spoke with AH to make sure he wasn't drinking and called throughout the weekend to check. If I suspected something I spoke with the kids and made sure they felt ok.
Often in evening the kids were on their own, AH "went to bed early", but my 16 yo was there. They already knew not to get in a car with AH when drinking and he seemed to plan for that by just hanging around his apartment when they were there, sometimes he would go out on his own.
When older DD turned 18 she didn't always want to go to visit. There was a time when DD 15 and DS was 11 I received a call to come and get them not long after I dropped them off. AH was so plastered they did not want to be with him. I had stopped checking on him by then and let them decide what they wanted to do. There was also a time when AH came to pick up DS when he was 10, I wasn't here and DS told DD (17) that he didn't feel comfortable going in car with AH. That was the night he got a DUI, I was so grateful my DS spoke up for himself but heartbroken that our life was like this.
It was always my intention to give AH time to work on his recovery, but I just didn't want to live with him in those early days and I didn't want to interfere with his relationship with our kids. Every other weekend worked out for me, although I had to do the checking and had to rely on the kids to let me know if they were not comfortable.
9 and 10 seem a bit young for this. My youngest was comfortable telling his siblings, I don't think it would have worked for him to be on his own.
It will get worse unless your AH commits to getting and staying sober, even with that there are tough times to go through.
(((HUGS))) to you. Hope my sharing helps you clarify your own thoughts some.
My RAH is back living with us and is not actively drinking now, although I did go away for a little over a week and there seemed to be some uncomfortableness and my 19 yo had to come home from college over the weekend. I am not sure what it really was, it may have been my RAH inability to handle stress in this stage of his recovery. Not totally sure if he was drinking but if so, he seems to be ok now.
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