My wife is an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 25
My wife is an alcoholic.
My wife of 5 years is an alcoholic. She drinks nearly every night in addition to taking recreational vicodin. We have spent 4 years in argument and counseling over her unsafe behaviors. She is working a moderation management (MM) plan that seems to partially work but it has not provided enough results where her actions around booze are trust worthy. She is OK with drinking to slight intoxication every night and the result will frequently include a full bender 2 times within a month. She drinks at lunch, in the evening, and at night, with friends and by herself. I am not OK with this level of moderation and the unsafe behavior that ensues and would leave but….. we have a 4 year old child. Leaving in a Divorce will expose our child to higher risk and even more inner family drama. Any advice? 
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Welcome, Pirate, sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found this place. You get get much support here, stick around, read much, and let it soak in.
One thing you can do is read the "Stickies" at the top of the page, they are filled with all sorts of information. Here's one to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
My situation is similar to yours, though my wife only drinks after 3 yr old goes to bed. You can read my posts if you would like to learn more.
Best of Luck to you. And remember - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't sure it.
C-OH Dad
One thing you can do is read the "Stickies" at the top of the page, they are filled with all sorts of information. Here's one to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
My situation is similar to yours, though my wife only drinks after 3 yr old goes to bed. You can read my posts if you would like to learn more.
Best of Luck to you. And remember - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't sure it.
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi piratessmile...I dig your screen name.
I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but I am glad you found us.
My mother was your wife. My father believed that staying in the marriage was better for the children. He was not aware of the kind of issues children of alcoholic parents grow up with.
Because my mother was so unhappy, because she chose not to seek help for her addiction, and because I could not "fix" my mother's unhappiness, I believed I was not worthy of love. I believed that nothing I could do was right. I believed I did not deserve to have my needs met. I believed I didn't matter as much as other people did. This caused pain and suffering in every relationship of my life, up until my first marriage spectacularly imploded and I ended up in therapy to sort things out.
Leaving would have been incredibly difficult and painful for my father. He passed away a few years ago, but I believe if he had known the difficulties his kids faced in interpersonal relationships as we carried our childhoods into adulthood, he would have done things differently. Which is not by any means to suggest that he would have left. But he might have sought his own recovery from co-dependency through Al-Anon. He might have learned in those rooms that the silence surrounding alcoholism can be especially harmful to children who are trying to survive in an unstable environment where one parent simply cannot be counted upon or, often, understood. With that knowledge he might have been able to help us navigate the messy waters of home life with an alcoholic. I can't say for sure, but I hope he would have.
Moderation is not recovery. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Please stick around the forums and absorb as much experience, strength and hope as you can stand. I wish you strength and courage.
I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but I am glad you found us.
My mother was your wife. My father believed that staying in the marriage was better for the children. He was not aware of the kind of issues children of alcoholic parents grow up with.
Because my mother was so unhappy, because she chose not to seek help for her addiction, and because I could not "fix" my mother's unhappiness, I believed I was not worthy of love. I believed that nothing I could do was right. I believed I did not deserve to have my needs met. I believed I didn't matter as much as other people did. This caused pain and suffering in every relationship of my life, up until my first marriage spectacularly imploded and I ended up in therapy to sort things out.
Leaving would have been incredibly difficult and painful for my father. He passed away a few years ago, but I believe if he had known the difficulties his kids faced in interpersonal relationships as we carried our childhoods into adulthood, he would have done things differently. Which is not by any means to suggest that he would have left. But he might have sought his own recovery from co-dependency through Al-Anon. He might have learned in those rooms that the silence surrounding alcoholism can be especially harmful to children who are trying to survive in an unstable environment where one parent simply cannot be counted upon or, often, understood. With that knowledge he might have been able to help us navigate the messy waters of home life with an alcoholic. I can't say for sure, but I hope he would have.
Moderation is not recovery. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Please stick around the forums and absorb as much experience, strength and hope as you can stand. I wish you strength and courage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 25
Thank you both for your kind replies, warm welcome and for sharing your personal stories. I read them with a very strange mix of relief that someone has been in my shoes, but also sorrow… for the same reason. I wish on no this situation. You are both right that absorbing the stories of others is helpful, again thank you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband used pain killers recreationally too until he became a full blown addict. Never thought I would see the day when he would choses drugs over his family. It took me a long time to learn it wasn't personal. His brain was hijacked and he was/is no longer the same man I married.
With all addictions, they can not be controlled. It will progress and can easily change from one addiction to another.
IMO, starting to document everything now is a wise idea. It wont get better until it gets really bad.....even then it may never get better.
Sorry for your situation and welcome to SR.
With all addictions, they can not be controlled. It will progress and can easily change from one addiction to another.
IMO, starting to document everything now is a wise idea. It wont get better until it gets really bad.....even then it may never get better.
Sorry for your situation and welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I am fairly new here, but I do not understand a MM program. From what I have seen with my EXAG, there is no such thing as moderation. Ever.
Over the years she had tried moderation, even as extreme as NA beer. But it always leads to full benders...sometimes sooner, sometimes later. It is dangerous for an alcoholic to convince themselves they can drink socially, or in moderation. They cannot. And when they convince themselves, that is even part of their disease (denial!)
Over the years she had tried moderation, even as extreme as NA beer. But it always leads to full benders...sometimes sooner, sometimes later. It is dangerous for an alcoholic to convince themselves they can drink socially, or in moderation. They cannot. And when they convince themselves, that is even part of their disease (denial!)
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Moderation is an attempt on the A's part to "control" their disease. It can not be controlled, so they are often "white knuckling" it. Until she accepts that she can not control this and gets help, then she is still active in her addiction. There is nothing you can do to change that, it is her path not yours. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will only get worse.
I went through a family recovery program when my BF was in treatment. We were taught that children learn very specific messages in an alcoholic home. They learn 1) don't talk, 2) don't feel, and 3) don't trust. This is carried into adulthood. They witness so much more that we even know. Better to live in a home with one sober, trustworthy, reliable parent than to live with an A parent who can't be reliable or predictable. Your child is young, there is still time to avoid permanent damage.
Read the sticky's at the top, keep posting. Consider attending AlAnon meetings, it will help you process your feelings and gain support. Hugs....
I went through a family recovery program when my BF was in treatment. We were taught that children learn very specific messages in an alcoholic home. They learn 1) don't talk, 2) don't feel, and 3) don't trust. This is carried into adulthood. They witness so much more that we even know. Better to live in a home with one sober, trustworthy, reliable parent than to live with an A parent who can't be reliable or predictable. Your child is young, there is still time to avoid permanent damage.
Read the sticky's at the top, keep posting. Consider attending AlAnon meetings, it will help you process your feelings and gain support. Hugs....
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Moderation Management does not work for those who cross the imaginary line into addiction. Of course, she sticking to the 2 or 3 drinks that the program suggests. However, I do not believe the program suggests taking "recreational vicodin". She is getting high. Vicodin, often times, leads down the road to harder opiate pills and, sometimes, heroin. My suggestion would be to take your wifes problem very seriously.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
I am so sorry for your situation,,I have a simular situation only 11 years further down the road.There are many wise people here that have been through this and can suggest ways to cope.I sure wish I found this forum sooner. Good luck!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I spent four and a half years in MM under the delusion that I was "doing something" about my drinking. I was doing something--I was getting steadily worse. At the end of my four and a half years I was seriously physically addicted--to the point that I had serious withdrawal symptoms on a daily basis until I could get home and drink. I fooled myself because I could, for discrete periods of time, control my intake. Each effort resulted in a "boomerang" effect that increased my drinking to still higher levels.
I think virtually every alcoholic has to make some kind of honest attempt to control his/her drinking if only to satisfy themselves that they cannot. My mistake was to continue the "experiment" WAY longer than was sensible.
In the four and a half years I was trying to "moderate" in MM, I encountered literally a handful of people who were successful over the long term. I do not believe they were alcoholics, they were people who situationally or unwisely drank more, or more often, than was good for them.
MM officially states that if a person finds themselves unable to moderate over the long term, according to the guidelines (for women, no more than 3 drinks/day, and no more 9/week, and 3-4 days of the week with no drinking), then they should abstain from drinking. I am now four and a half years sober in AA, and I also remain connected with a group of MM folks who also decided to quit drinking permanently. The problem with MM, from my point of view, is that the main forum is largely composed of people who are utterly convinced that anyone can moderate, and they tend to encourage each other to keep trying, rather than to quit when they obviously are not destined to succeed.
If your wife ever wants to talk to people from MM about how great not drinking can be, tell her to hop over to the "MMAbsers" list. We have people like me, who are in AA, we have others who use other recovery programs or simply do it on their own if they can.
Ultimately, though, it is her decision. You can't make it for her.
I think virtually every alcoholic has to make some kind of honest attempt to control his/her drinking if only to satisfy themselves that they cannot. My mistake was to continue the "experiment" WAY longer than was sensible.
In the four and a half years I was trying to "moderate" in MM, I encountered literally a handful of people who were successful over the long term. I do not believe they were alcoholics, they were people who situationally or unwisely drank more, or more often, than was good for them.
MM officially states that if a person finds themselves unable to moderate over the long term, according to the guidelines (for women, no more than 3 drinks/day, and no more 9/week, and 3-4 days of the week with no drinking), then they should abstain from drinking. I am now four and a half years sober in AA, and I also remain connected with a group of MM folks who also decided to quit drinking permanently. The problem with MM, from my point of view, is that the main forum is largely composed of people who are utterly convinced that anyone can moderate, and they tend to encourage each other to keep trying, rather than to quit when they obviously are not destined to succeed.
If your wife ever wants to talk to people from MM about how great not drinking can be, tell her to hop over to the "MMAbsers" list. We have people like me, who are in AA, we have others who use other recovery programs or simply do it on their own if they can.
Ultimately, though, it is her decision. You can't make it for her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry for what you are going through. I was not raised in an alcoholic or addictive home. I was raised in as perfect a home as you can imagine - with loving parents. My 3 brothers and sisters and myself have been very successful in life and while not perfect we all have the foundation necessary to succeed. We all owe that to my parents.
Every child deserves to have that opportunity.
It is better to come from a broken home than live in one.
Post often, educate yourself, and start going to Al Anon. Lots of folks here that will help you out.
Every child deserves to have that opportunity.
It is better to come from a broken home than live in one.
Post often, educate yourself, and start going to Al Anon. Lots of folks here that will help you out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by piratessmile 
I read them with a very strange mix of relief that someone has been in my shoes, but also sorrow… for the same reason.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 25
Wife is an Alcoholic - part 2
Truly- your responses are overwhelming. To each of you again, my sincerest thank you for your considered responses. What is obvious from your sharing is that you have been there and experienced the frustrations and dilemmas intimately.
How did you cope with the lack of trust that develops, or mitigate the risk environments that arise so frequently?
I love her, but can not show love when I feel like her daily actions put, my son, herself and our family at a variety of risks. This drives a bigger wedge of course… While I can accept it is her addiction to work through in her time, how does one immunize a family from the obvious harm being caused and still remain happy? For me, love requires trust and confidence which does not exist because of her choices and it stresses every other area of our lives.
It never seems to sink in that my questions about when she will be home, or did she plan on drinking while at her work event? or what bar will she be at and with whom? are the result of wrecked cars, DUIs, extramarital issues, and countless nights worrying about what will happen next. When I tell her there is no trust or confidence she just gets mad. She twists this situation and accuses me of being unsupportive, controlling, “her dad”, and a variety of other explicatives. I am struggling to define what are realistic social expectations of one person to another in context of a marriage and family against the counter manipulations of an addict.
Thank you again for your thoughts and in advance, I am sorry for those who have shared any, all or more of this experience.
How did you cope with the lack of trust that develops, or mitigate the risk environments that arise so frequently?
I love her, but can not show love when I feel like her daily actions put, my son, herself and our family at a variety of risks. This drives a bigger wedge of course… While I can accept it is her addiction to work through in her time, how does one immunize a family from the obvious harm being caused and still remain happy? For me, love requires trust and confidence which does not exist because of her choices and it stresses every other area of our lives.
It never seems to sink in that my questions about when she will be home, or did she plan on drinking while at her work event? or what bar will she be at and with whom? are the result of wrecked cars, DUIs, extramarital issues, and countless nights worrying about what will happen next. When I tell her there is no trust or confidence she just gets mad. She twists this situation and accuses me of being unsupportive, controlling, “her dad”, and a variety of other explicatives. I am struggling to define what are realistic social expectations of one person to another in context of a marriage and family against the counter manipulations of an addict.
Thank you again for your thoughts and in advance, I am sorry for those who have shared any, all or more of this experience.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: midwest
Posts: 231
welcome
my husband is an alcoholic not in recovery. he went to treatment 11 years ago for a month, didn't drink for a year but has been drinking since then and it is getting worse, now a 12 pack a day. I know I need to go back to alanon and work on myself. I can relate to your pain and frustration, marriage issues, and loneliness. It is a very lonely life for me, I am going to go back to alanon soon, I am trying to get myself motivated but am glad sober recovery is here so so can talk to each other and support each other. I hope for the best for all of you but I was told in alanon we do not give advice, even though I know some people still do. just here for support and need support also.
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