Am I dating an alcoholic?
 

I've been seeing her over 3 years now. I've complained she looses control while drinking shortly after seeing her. Things got better. In the past year, I get uncomfortable with her going out without me. Doesn't come home when she says she will, drinks in excess, then drives.
It's been a few months since she's gone out without me. Today, she rides in a parade with her son while I work. I get a text after the parade that she got rear ended and the guy is claiming she backed into him. Then tells me she contacted her police detective friend and its being handled. Apparently they contacted the officer responding and blamed the guy for rear ending her at a stop sign. She calls me and tells me she backed into him. I could hear she had been drinking. Her 13 year old son was in the car. I confront her at home. I question why she lied "so that you wouldn't blame me drinking"
She tells me 2 drinks at first, eventually adds another....but this girl requires 4-5 before you can even tell. She said she would drink again if she had to do it all again, but states she would have eaten more or avoid the detours.
She says she's not changing for anyone. Says she is incapable.

Also, 2 years ago, a cop pulled her over...he could tell she was drunk, but if I came to pick her up, he would let her go.

Am I over reacting?

She is driving drunk with a child in the car--no, I wouldn't say you are over-reacting.

I hope there is something you can do with regard to the child's safety. Can you have a chat with the boy about mom's drinking? Is there someone he could call for help if mom isn't safe to drive?

Apart from the child safety issues, in terms of whether your lady friend is an alcoholic, from your description she sure sounds like one.

This was a first with the child today. I thought she would be able to tame herself because her son was there, but I was wrong. She asks why I can't trust her to go out.....because of what she did today? Maybe I'm too controlling. I just doubt myself sometimes.

Well, you may be too controlling--that's a pretty common thing for those of us in alcoholic relationships. Or you might be somewhat controlling by nature. Either way, it's something you might want to look at.

But her drinking is a separate issue from the controlling. The controlling is YOUR issue, the drinking is HERS. Still, I would talk to her son if I were you. He is a truly innocent victim in this scenario.

I don't recall being controlling in any other relationship. Then again, I've never been in on with an alcoholic. I'm sure me having a older brother that is an alcoholic(30 years now) doesn't help in some way.
IVe heard him drop hints at his mom that he thinks she has a drinking problem. I'm not sure how to approach him. He handles things well, but I'm sure it's just a cover up. I'm having trouble myself, as I feel like I've hit the wall and realizing my lack of trusting her had its reasons. At what point do I draw the line? When she kills someone or herself? Her drinking has taken its toll on our relationship...I have tolerated it due to my codependent nature I've recently discovered.

There are 2 issues here. You, and what you will handle, and her son, and what he will handle.

Unfortunately, it's easier for you to walk away than him, however.

If you really in your heart believe that she has a problem, next time she drives with him in the car, call the cops. It is your job to protect him if she won't do it herself, and that really has nothing to do with him. You can worry about your relationship with her later. But I guarantee, you will never live with the guilt if she ends up killing him while drunk driving.

If you don't have any further discussion with her son, I suggest you at least let him know that you know she should not have been driving with him in the car, that it could be VERY dangerous to ride with her in that condition, and ask him if there is someone he could call (you, if you are comfortable in that role, otherwise, his dad or another trusted adult) if she tries to make him ride with her when she has been drinking. If he is interested, he would probably benefit from Alateen, where he could talk to other kids in similar situations.

My best recommendation for YOU is Al-Anon. I can tell you with the attitude she is displaying right now, she isn't going to get any better, and could very well become worse--MUCH worse--as time goes on.

If she kills anyone or hurts anyone, without me speaking up, I'd have a lifetime of guilt. It's why I need to stick to my guns and not let her stop drinking for a week and go back to it.

I've wondered about al anon...but I'm not spiritual by any means and am afraid the god thing will turn me off?

She's claiming I'm blowing this out of proportion, I still doubt myself in some ways

You are NOT blowing it out of proportion. Read this forum, especially the "stickies" up top. Alcoholics have to deny the problem, have to make issues about you, because to admit their drinking problem would require them to do something about it. And the addiction inside won't allow them to do that.

Al-Anon spirituality doesn't depend on belief in a deity. It has more to do with learning to rely upon a power greater than yourself to guide you. For some people, that is the power of the universe, or simply the power that comes from being with a group of people who understand and support you. It saved MY sanity when I was with an alcoholic husband who was drinking himself to death.

I found this site tonight, and as she drinks on the sofa with her son out there, I've sat in the bedroom, reading a lot just from this site. I can believe I've gone this long without looking into what I'm dealing with. I guess I hoped the problem would just go away

The alcoholics aren't the only ones with "denial issues". :)

None of us could quite believe, at first, where we found ourselves. But accepting it (which doesn't mean that it's OK, just that we recognize the reality of the situation) is the first step to learning a better way to live.

I can't thank you guys enough. I felt so low before finding this and hearing your responses. It feels empowering, despite there is no easy fix, and it won't just disappear unless the A does the work. I told her I went wrong trying to control something I could never fully comprehend or understand fully. I can only take care of me.

I was worried about the spiritual aspect of Al-Anon too when I first went since I'm an atheist, but its not pushed on you in any way and you are free to define your higher power however you want. For me my higher power is just the ways of the world. I can't control that and thats the main point, about accepting that there are things larger than you that will shape events over which you have no control. It really helps me see the things that I am responsible for and those that I'm not.

You sound like you've already made a great first step by seeing that there are some things you tried to control that were outside your control. Thats a good place to start from! Yes you can only take care of you. (hugs)

Yes, she is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it does not remain stagnant. If she continues to drink, it will continue to get worse. This is the first time she drove with her son in the car after drinking.....progression of the disease and the denial. It took my ABF a looooong time to admit he needed help, it was denial until it got bad enough that he had a car accident and got into legal trouble.

You may have already read the 3C's on this site. We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't CONTROL it. I had to work on that one. I would hide car keys to keep him from drinking, pour out bottles, etc. I learned through my counselor and AlAnon that I was interfering with the natural consequences of the disease that he needed to experience. So I detached from his behaviors. I didn't interfere in any way. I couldn't stop his behavior, but I could change my reactions.

I hope you find an AlAnon meeting. Higher Power is different for everyone. For some, the AlAnon group IS their Higher Power in this situation. It doesn't have to mean "God". We don't bring up religion, politics, etc. You don't even have to say who the A is in your life, you can just call her your "qualifier". But there is so much support, experience, and love in the rooms of AlAnon. It really will help you evaluate your own behaviors. Keep posting here as well!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself. For a lot of us, we dealt with it for a long time without really understanding what we were dealing with. For me, one day it clicked, and I felt so silly that I'd never put the pieces together before. Regardless, I figured it out, and finally got some semblance of peace in my life again.

Welcome, and please stick around. :)

Welcome, Manmust. I don't know about the laws in your state but I can share with you what happened to my friend in my state when she had an accident with her son in the car while under the influence. It was a felony child endangerment charge on top of a DUI, and she lost custody of him at that moment. Never got him back and drank herself to death two years later. It IS serious and you are absolutely correct to be making a big deal of it. At the very least, is this woman showing you good judgment by doing this? If I were involved with someone who drove drunk with his kids in the car, I'd contact their Mother and run like hell in the opposite direction. He would NOT be boyfriend material pulling stunts like that.

That said, I understand the denial myself. My XAH drove drunk with me and my kids in the car, as well. I knew it was happening at the time and was powerless to stop it. But it was a catalyst for me to make the changes necessary to never be put in a dangerous situation like that again. Like you, I had to break through my own denial about what was really happening. And it took a while. Keep reading and keep coming back. Knowledge is empowering!

Peace,
~T

She wavers back and forth about having a problem and not. If she does have a problem, it's up to her to control it...she says. And she's right. Obviously it's not under control.
Her father was an alcoholic and disappeared out of her life, yet, she sees no similarities. She spoke poorly of her friend that was drinking and got into two fender benders, yet, she can't see the similarities.

It doesn't sound like she wants to change so you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of women you wish to spend your future with.

I've been facing it. That's such a hard question to answer. She has so many other great qualities that I love about her(she went off on a rant this morning basically shooting down that I like qualities about her....I was offering a compliment), but am I going to spend my time worrying when she goes out? Right now I'm wondering if she's drinking instead of getting a massage like she claims(but I'm not going to go check up on her). If I plan on staying(waiting for the next catastrophe) I need to learn to detach. And I haven't achieved it yet.

She claims she is under control, but I don't want to think I'm over reacting. But what is it about her drinking and loosing control that bothers me? After reading what I did last night, I know she's not purposefully choosing booze over me.....but it feels like she's not respecting me(nor herself) if she puts herself in harms way.

It bothers you because you care.
We don't want to see them come to any harm but we can't control their actions.
Only they can change themselves.
They have to want to.
The only person we can control is ourselves & that is why it is so important to focus on ourselves & be healthy.