kizzie

Manmust, I've started to respond to your initial post about 5 times and then deleted my response because everything you have described hits so close to the core. Three years ago, I was behaving exactly like your girlfriend, and my husband was doing all of the things that you've done to contain the situation (i.e., me). The one difference was that I realised I had a serious problem with alcohol and eventually came to understand that I am an alcoholic. After 2 years sober, I relapsed and my husband is once again afraid to let me go to the grocery store alone for fear I will be gone 10 minutes longer than expected having downed an entire bottle of wine in that extra time. Sound familiar?

Your girlfriend is almost certainly an alcoholic. Others are giving you excellent advice about attending Al-Anon and participating in the Friends and Family section of SR. I just wanted to chime in and give you my perspective on your girlfriend's behaviour as one who was/is her, in the relevant ways. Best of luck to you in however you choose to move forward.

Manmust

I don't think she is downing alcohol in her car or in a rapid attempt to get loaded.
She was supposed to be finished with work tonight at 6:30. I didn't hear from her until 7:20. She told me her last client was late. She didn't appear intoxicated at all. But she seems to run late constantly and doesn't text me, and if I text, she acts like I'm bothering her, or I was freaking out.
Anyway, her first text(after 5 hours of no communication) was "im running late, did you buy beer"
Of course my answer is no. Now she's asking me to go somewhere to eat.

So I meet her. She orders a bucket with 3 beers. Ugh.
Drinks 2. Thinks about taking the third home. Ends up drinking 1/2 of it, and leaves 1/2. Thought that was weird. So she knows I've been doing a lot of reading. She asks if I would go to the store and buy her a 24 oz beer. She says she wants to lay in bed and drink a beer. She hands me a 5 and says I'm not enabling because she's paying

Oh my, I told her, if she wanted it, to get it herself, I was going home. Sure enough, comes home with a 24 oz beer. So, that's 4.5 beers. Last night it was 3. I don't know that the amount is all that critical. I'm rambling now, I want to know the truth, yet hate the realization she has a problem.

I know that's not a lot of alcohol, but I've seen her down a 6 pack then a bottle of wine in a night. Watch out if hard alcohol is around.

Crazed

Any amount of alcohol is a lot of alcohol for an alcoholic. When my EXAG relapsed about 5 years ago, it was with 2 glasses of wine at a work dinner- Not a lot of alcohol. Fast forward many years and the drinking is straight Vodka and a potential upcoming jail sentence. It will get worse.

From your posts, it appears that your GF likes to plan her drinking, and get you involved with it. This is her manipulating way of getting you to "approve" of her drinking. If you buy the beer, you are telling her it is Ok.

dollydo

Lets start at the beginning. Her disease is a progressive one, left untreated it will get worse. It is a disease that has no cure, she will be an alcoholic all her life, it is only a matter of whether she is sober and working a strong recovery program for life or not, that is it.

This disease left untreated can kill, it can cause both serious mental and physical health issues.
What you don't consider "alot" today can turn into a drinking frenzy that cannot be controlled, many start drinking when they wake up in the morning and go until they pass out. They become unable to work, they lose their friends and family....everything that would matter to a
non addicted person. Yet the alcoholic only cares about one thing...the drink.

I had many alcoholic in my family, all but two are dead, they all died of alcohol related issues.

My mother, one of the worlds record holders, drinking for 65+ years, she is now 87, drinks manhattans for breakfast and continues on until she passes out.

The other is my cousin, who has stage 4 neck & head cancer, directly
related to his smoking and drinking for the last 45 years. He has lost 1/2 his nose, 75 lymph nodes on both sides of his neck, had a total of 3 major surgeries in the last 3 years....and he
continues to smoke and drink. The cancer is now in his throat, this is a nigtmare for me as he lives 700 miles away, and I am the last remaining member of his family, everyone else is dead.

This disease has brought me nothing but heartache and stress, it has tore the entire family apart...I no longer speak to my mother, nor do any of her siblings, they haven't for 20 years.
She is a mean nasty drunk, my cousin he is a stupid drunk, he doesn't drink around me, he knows that I will hop in my car and go back home.

There is no making a life with an active alcoholic, and in many cases even if they do get sober, they become dry drunks and their behavior/actions/reactions remain very close to the same as when they were drinking.

I would say...proceed with caution...learn all that you can about this disease...listen with your eyes, it's all about actions, not words.

redatlanta

See all those numbers up there ^^^ - this is very typical codie behavior and you need to stop. Counting her beers, or drinks, is a waste of time and IMO becomes a rationalization of her drinking. "I don't know that the amount is all the critical".

I really doubt that is all she is drinking. I don't think you have any idea how much she is really drinking at all. You don't think she is downing alcohol in her car? Maybe not, maybe she is. Maybe she is just steadily drinking all day long. Perhaps when she says her client is running late she is really sitting at a bar. Regardless, there is a problem and you know it - and she knows it. At least, she knows you have a problem with her drinking even if she thinks she has everything under control. My favorite saying on here is More will be revealed.

LexieCat

Ditto what Redatlanta said. When I was still drinking and in my last relationship, I drank just enough around my partner to explain my alcohol breath and behavior. I had half-pint bottles stashed around the apartment and would "top off" my drinks all evening. I would smuggle larger bottles in and secretly add more to the bottle out in the open to hide how much I was drinking. So if anyone were "counting" my drinks, they would be sadly mistaken.

Also, yes, during the time I was trying to "moderate" my drinking it grew progressively worse. I wound up with a serious physical addiction and went through nightmarish withdrawals every weekday until I could get home and get my "dose" of alcohol (I still had a good job, never got a DUI, never went to the hospital or to jail). On weekends, I drank from the minute I got up through the entire day. It does, indeed, progress.

Manmust

Honestly, It seemed worse when I first met her. I remember keeping various beers and alcohols stocked in my house before meeting her. Within a few months and occasional times of hanging out at my house, my stock was gone. Since then, I've never bought more than what would be consumed in one night. Can't believe I didn't see it then.
Regardless of the amount, she can't seem to resist it. I haven't really looked at her level of drinking since Tuesday. She has drank every day except Wednesday.....at least I don't think she did. I still don't think she's sneaked drinks.
After she had drank 3 beers, we had to go to the pet store, we got in the car, and she asked me if I was going to leave her because of her drinking. I was silent. I didn't know how to answer. I don't know what I said, but she got the idea, I'm not willing to throw my life away on taking care of a drunk.

I'm not trying to make faces, nor judge her drinking. I don't want to push her into hiding, yet am not going to encourange or enable(yes, I'm learning). She has to see it. She wants me to have a beer with her, but I just grab a water instead. Codie behavior....8 beers today.

redatlanta

Manmust - saying nothing is doing something. During RAH relapse I also said nothing for awhile as I knew it would just push him to hide it.

Manmust

And I knew it the moment I said nothing. The Codie would have said, "what drinking problem, I'm here for you forever"
Baby steps....

Manmust

Just an update. I went to my first al anon meeting tonight. I enjoyed it, a few stayed after and talked with me. I'll be going back next week.
As far as AGF, it's been quiet because she's been busy with work(although she seems miserable), but overall drama is down. Only drinking I'm aware of was Monday night when she downed a bottle of wine. I'm sure the weekend will bring the drinking and drama, but I'll just enjoy the moment.

Wavy

Congratulations on getting to an Al-Anon meeting, I'm so glad you found it useful!

Being able to enjoy the peaceful moments rather than tarnish them with worry of whats to come is a great skill to be developing.

peridotbleu

I relate to everything you have said - it is a learning curve for sure. I remember when I first started realizing that my AH had this disease, that he always wanted to go to restaurants that served alcohol. He is highly functional which keeps me so confused! Its seems like we are the ones being punished because we don't have the disease and yet we are the ones that can't enjoy social outings or even a glass of wine with dinner. But I have done this for about 4 years now - i have to fly once a year for business and I am not very fond of it so I would always have a couple of drinks to fly and he knew this - but yet he said if he had to quit i did too - and I have. I wish you the best of luck. I am so glad to have found SR!

Manmust

I was just thinking about that this morning. I work all week, and when it's time to relax I have to worry about how out of control she will get and risk embarrassment.
We are potentially going out tonight, wondering how its gonna go....wondering how my new ways of handling of not controlling are going to go.

Manmust

I must add, I walked into a local grocery store the other day and saw my favorite local seasonal beer. It sells out every year...I grabbed a six pack without thinking. It now sits in my trunk, I don't want to bring it in the house. Maybe I'll hide it and enjoy one or two when she's not around. Does that make me an alcoholic?

Tuffgirl

No. That makes you a concerned loved one of an alcoholic, questioning your own moves because of what you've been experiencing with your significant other.

Justfor1

manmust, normal people do not order "buckets of beer" for themselves. Those are usually special type deals and are meant to be shared with a group of friends/family. Sometimes, watching what a alcohol drinks is like the tip of an iceberg. You could have a Titanic type iceberg & she could be drinking all day long.

Manmust

I know. Funny how we get hopes up because she changed her mind Friday night about bringing beet home after being out till 1:30. Then only drinking 3 beers Saturday night and beer being left in the fridge without drinking.
Of course, I'm noticing major depression after she takes that first drink...crazy

Anyway she comes home with a 12 pack today. Ugh

Whatsit

Hi Manmust,

I am a recovering codependent who has a workaholic husband (a legitimate addiction) and an alchoholic/addict brother. Based on experience, I believe you are describing an alchoholic, and I think you need to get away while you can. You really cannot save her, or her son (which is sad, of course). If you stay, I have no doubt you will sacrifice your health and sanity. If you stay anyway, please (and I am not being snide) go ahead and begin seeing a therapist with experience in this area.

Manmust

I think about leaving more now than ever. I am concerned about my daughter.
My ex wife decided, when my daughter was 5, that a coworker of hers was a better option than me and it really took its toll on my now 10 year old daughter.
My AGF really is great with her, and kind of afraid to pull yet another person out of her life. There have been times the AGF has been loaded in front of my child, but its a matter of what's worse? My daughter has only seen me distraught once over her drinking, and we don't fight in front of them.
Sometimes the answers aren't so clear. Wish there wasn't kids involved.

And she polished off 9 beers last night. Would have been 10, but spilled the last one. I feel so lonely in this relationship.

Whatsit

I think allowing your AGF to remain in your daughter's life is really not a good idea. Most likely, the sooner you get your daughter out of this, the better.

Your statement about being lonely in this relationship is the most telling thing you have said so far. By experience, I know this is a hallmark of being in a relationship with an addict. Your AGF will not only leave you lonely, she will have you and your daughter believing that you are somehow at fault; she will blame everyone except herself, unless she does "hit bottom" and get help. Addicts make everyone in their lives feel crazy, as well as lonely, eventually. She will dominate your time and attention and make it difficult for you to maintain friendships with normal people. She will view them as threats.

I feel sorry for her, just as I feel sorry for my addicted brother and for my workaholic husband. I stayed with my husband, at first, because I thought it was my moral duty. I continued to stay with him later, because we had a child with serious congenital disease, and I could not have met his needs on my own. Both our children suffered psychologically, as have I. I have remained part of my brother's life because he became chronically seriously ill and thus disabled. I have been in psychotherapy and have to take meds for anxiety disorder and serious, persistent insomnia. If it were not for a few normal friends and my religious community, I would not have survived it.

I hope you will continue to think your situation over very carefully and make a wise decision. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. I wish you both the best.