Am I dating an alcoholic?

Old 02-13-2013, 08:24 PM
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Welcome! You are not overreacting. You are like me years ago. My ex is like your girlfriend.

1) I questioned if she was an alcoholic
2) She only had 2 or 4 drinks. In actuality it was always at least double or triple what was stated.
3) She initially said she would get it under control. Would only drink at home. Then started driving drunk. Then started driving drunk with kids in car....
4) I was never controlling in any other relationship I had... Until my relationship with an active alcoholic.

Here we sit, 13 years later- 3 DUIs, 3 rehabs, multiple episodes of endangered kids, etc...

It will not get better for HER unless she decides to address her issue.

I have been going to Alanon for the last few months, which is full of people who understand and can relate what you are feeling. It is helping me to understand my contribution to the dysfunction in the relationship.
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Old 02-14-2013, 03:40 AM
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If I finish work on time, I'm going to my first al anon meeting tomorrow.
AGF gets off of work late, so there be much if any time ill see her, so I decided to give her the gift and card I had bought a few weeks back before all of this went down.
She didn't want the gift. She's not sleeping in the bed with me. Says she doesn't feel safe, can't understand why I would want to control anything.
I don't like fights to linger and I'm the one that swallows my pride to accept responsibility for most stuff(even when it's not my fault). But I'm letting her run with this one without agreeing with her that I have the major control issues she thinks I have(even though the first therapy session a month ago, the therapist found her to be the one with control issues). I gave up trying to convince her she has a drinking problem. Nothing I say makes a difference. So, it's a waiting game I guess, and despite me willing to work on our issues, she's willing to shut me out...even on valentines day. I know it's just valentines day, but, it seems like there is always some drama around valentines day, or I've been single since I've been divorced. It feels cursed. It's just disheartening she is acting this way.
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Old 02-14-2013, 04:42 AM
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Well, concentrate on loving YOU today. That sounds corny, but posting here, going to Al-Anon, those are loving things you are doing for yourself. She's been gone for a while.

Do your best not to take her treatment of you as an indication of any failings on your part. She is behaving as alcoholics behave.

Hugs, and Happy Valentine's Day!
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Old 02-14-2013, 07:02 AM
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She seems to get out of a lot of DUI's. I don't think it was fair at all to the other guy she hit just because she knows a cop. That is selfish alcoholic thinking right there. She seems to not have any consequences to her behavior so why would she want to stop drinking?
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Old 02-14-2013, 08:26 AM
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I agree. She told me her son was all nervous because she told him to lie to the officer. Messed up. She can't see it. Talked with her this morning for an hour. Explained the self work I'm doing now. Discussed other alcoholics(not her, because she isn't one or maybe it's ;(
My dad was in inpatient treatment, and I've always thought my dad wasn't an alcoholic until last night. He covered so well, I realize our family dynamics were the result of his drinking and certain ways I react now.
I spoke about how alcoholics generally like other alcoholics to drink with them. They want them to share in their disease. She pointed out one of her friends that's always inviting her to a bar...the same friend with 2 car accidents.
Anyway she let me give her the card and the jewelry I had bought and said it was the most beautiful thing anyone had given her

She admits to problems, but she's comfortable with how she copes with them. I said nothing. That's her choice. She says she won't put up with an ultimatum, I remained silent.

She calls it a ultimatum, I call it a boundary. Whatever.

Thank you everyone. This site is amazing. I've learned so much in the past 2 days.
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Justfor1 View Post
She seems to get out of a lot of DUI's. I don't think it was fair at all to the other guy she hit just because she knows a cop. That is selfish alcoholic thinking right there. She seems to not have any consequences to her behavior so why would she want to stop drinking?
I think this is really profound here - you've got someone going to great lengths to rationalize out of control behavior. Don't think you are the first to hear this stuff either. She's been doing this for a long time. Even her son is beginning to understand this kind of stuff isn't right. Red flags, man. Pay attention to them and take heed!

As long as she has enablers surrounding her, she will continue her path to destruction, and you will be along for the ride. It is your choice to get off that ride at any time. Doesn't mean you have to throw her to the wolves and never look back. But stepping off the ride and allowing her to have some natural consequences can be a good thing.
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:24 AM
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Yes, I understand I can step off. If I had to bet, do I think she will get a DUI or worse? Yes. Can I prove that? No. I guess that is my boundary. She doesn't think she has a problem and wants to continue as she is, fine. She is an adult capable of making her own decisions. My line in the sand is legal consequences. I refuse to pick up the slack of her bills while she pays lawyers and all the other great stuff involved with drinking. I'm not going to enable.

Did I make a poor choice buying a 6 pack for valentines night? I drank on a few while I cooked and after. 3 for me, 3 for her. Of course at 10:30 she was bummed it was her last beer, but no more alcohol was consumed(there is no more in the house and she didn't go to the store)
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:40 PM
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Um, you bought beer for her on Valentine's Day and wonder if that was a poor choice?

That strikes me as about as enabling as it gets.

I dunno, I don't think I would drink around someone with a drinking problem, either. She will do what she will do, and it's her alcohol problem, not yours, but if you don't want her to drink, it seems rather inconsiderate for you to do it in front of her, while telling her you don't want her to.

Maybe others here would have a different perspective on that. Would it put you out terribly to just not do it when you are at home?
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Um, you bought beer for her on Valentine's Day and wonder if that was a poor choice?

That strikes me as about as enabling as it gets.

I dunno, I don't think I would drink around someone with a drinking problem, either. She will do what she will do, and it's her alcohol problem, not yours, but if you don't want her to drink, it seems rather inconsiderate for you to do it in front of her, while telling her you don't want her to.

Maybe others here would have a different perspective on that. Would it put you out terribly to just not do it when you are at home?
I was terribly torn. My thought behind it was that it was a limited supply, so it was okay and AGF didn't ask for it. I don't need to drink, I can give it up...do I need to never drink again if she is the one with the problem, but yet doesn't think she has a problem? I know I would never drink anything if she was trying to stop. I don't like to drink much. I get sick easy and get migraines. I couldn't tell if I was enabling...I didn't run to the store when she complained of being out. Yet, I knew I wasn't being controlling(right?). Ugh, so confusing.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:50 PM
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Also, the beer wasn't a present. It was part of the meal...steak, potatoes, asparagus, etc
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:19 PM
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It doesn't really matter whether she thinks she has a problem or not....YOU know she has a problem. If you provide the alcohol to an alcoholic, then you are seriously enabling her. You are allowing her to continue the denial. It doesn't matter if she drank 1 or 100, you can't expect anything to get better if you're making alcohol available to her.

You're new to all this, so I know it's all confusing. I don't recall if you're involved in AlAnon, but if not, please consider finding a group near you. It will really help you work through all this and make good choices moving forward.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:30 PM
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I was trying to make one yesterday, but could not get done with work in time. Fortunately, I will make the one next Thursday.
See, I was thinking I should let things go their natural course.

So if she says "hey, let's go have a few drinks at a bar" I should say no, right?

I guess I'm compromising letting her drink whatever she wants with me so I can keep her safe, VS her going out by herself or with other alcoholic friends.

My head is spinning.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:43 PM
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Babysitting her so she can drink safely IS enabling. If she is an alcoholic (which is our working assumption), she CANNOT drink safely. She has to experience her own consequences of those actions. The one exception is when other people's safety is at risk. In that case--if she tries to drive drunk, or to drive again with her child in the car--I would call the police and let them stop her. Apart from that, her drinking is her business, but I sure wouldn't be keeping her company, or keeping her supplied.

And for meals, pick a different beverage. Ice water is very healthy and goes with ANY meal.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:48 PM
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"I guess I'm compromising letting her drink whatever she wants with me so I can keep her safe, VS her going out by herself or with other alcoholic friends."

Codie thinking at it's finest, you are condoning her drinking as long as it is at home and under your watch? You are attempting to send her a message, you are a child, you need my approval to drink. I will approve where and when.

Believe me, this mindset will not work, you cannot control her and bringing her alcohol is enabling...this entire plan will backfire in your face. She is an adult and a alcoholic, she will outsmart you every time, they are very cunning and manipulative.

Please get to some Alanon meetings, read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:50 PM
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You have to decide what your boundaries are. You can't stop her from drinking, but you don't need to be complicit in her behavior. So I would say, no, you don't go to a bar with her. You also don't bring alcohol into the house. I understand about wanting to keep her safe, but I can tell you from experience that doesn't work. You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't CONTROL it.

This is hard for all of us in the beginning. We all make the same mistakes when dealing with someone we love. So no one is judging you here, please believe that. That's why AlAnon is so great....lots of experience and non-judgemental support.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:55 PM
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Yes, Recovering, thanks for the reminder.

My post might have come off sounding harsh or incredulous. We have ALL done the same things you have. So I apologize if my tone was "off." It is a learning curve, and it is sometimes steep, especially in the beginning.

I wholeheartedly join in the recommendation that you get involved in Al-Anon. It's a great relief, once you get used to the idea, that you don't have to be responsible for someone else's behavior.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:06 PM
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I don't take anything the wrong way. If someone wants to show up my house and shake me when I need it, I'll pm you my address!

I'm still trying to understand what's controlling and what isn't(obviously). I have read 95% of the stickies at least once now.

I do realize the controlling behavior I just posted is controlling, was just restating what went through my mind the past 3 years that I wasn't always aware of.
I find it so much harder to see problems/proper action in my own life tan in someone else's. it's like I let myself get blinded for some reason.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:21 PM
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It's ALWAYS easier to see it in someone else's situation than it is our own. I think that's part of why groups like Al-Anon, or SR, are so successful. It's often the case that we are so close to the situation we can't SEE what is going on. Great to have feedback from others who are more removed from the situation and have a different perspective on it. Especially when they are ALSO people who totally understand WHY we are doing the things we do.

Those who we jokingly refer to as "normies" think we are absolutely insane, the things we do. (And, of course, to some extent we do get a little goofy from being around the insanity that is alcoholism.) But others who have been there understand. While we may sometimes be a little, um, blunt or direct in what we say, there is never any judgment or looking down on others for doing the same things we have done.

As we like to say, when we know better, we DO better.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:39 PM
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"Those who we jokingly refer to as "normies" think we are absolutely insane, the things we do."

Honesty, I think that I was insane, what other explanation could there be for my behavior? Thank god it was only temporary insanity, although, I do understand that I will probably never be considered normal! Lol, progress not perfection!
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:43 PM
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I feel insane. Sometimes wonder what am I thinking? What am I doing? It's overwhelming sometimes.
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