italiungrl

I have found so much useful advice on this forum, I have also seen so much pain.

I am stuck in a situation for now, running my own business, back in school, and as much of an excuse it sounds like I cannot move out now.

So I need to know how best to deal with my AB,
Someone posted "you cant argue with crazy" Words to live by.

I don't engage or argue anymore when he says Im staying up to watch TV means ( drink). Nor do I even say I'm concerned. I just disengage.

I think I need some healthy mind exercises.

Im sure it was random, But why me get stuck with him, my intentions were I was exited because he told me he was a very Christian man, so mabe God put him in my life for a reason I just dont know what it could possible be.
To be more tolerant and help him? I wonder this? Thats another thing I have a hard time with fleeing when I know he needs help.

LexieCat

Maybe it was to teach you not to put your faith and trust in someone who treats you badly.

If you are staying in this situation awhile, I suggest you get involved in Al-Anon. Working the Steps is the ultimate in healthy mind exercises.

Addictshusband

I have had the same thoughts and maybe it is more common than I think. I have married 25 1/2 yrs to an alcoholic/addict and I wonder if my "true calling" was to take care of her. I haven't been able to find it otherwise. I just know a better life for me is out there, I just need to finally break-away and be selfish. Started with a therapist again last night so I can figure out how to start living MY life and not hers.

There are so many great people here that will help you and share their experiences so you know you are not alone in this. I wish you the best of luck.

Recovering2

Loving detachment will help you if you can't leave the situation at this time. I had to do the same thing. I didn't engage in any arguments, didn't ask where he was going or when he'd be back, didn't wake him on the couch at bed time, didn't hide car keys if he was drunk. I read what I could and started AlAnon faithfully. It was still difficult, but I found a little peace.

If you do leave, you have the right to make that decision for your life. You can't help him if he doesn't want help. But it doesn't mean he can pull you down the drain with him. I know I did learn to be mindful of my own reactions thanks to my RABF. I couldn't control him, but I could control how I react to things. It's helped me handle things better in my life overall. I also think those of us who have a codependent nature are drawn to those who need some type of rescue. Learning to recognize, and change that pattern, helps moving forward. Just my 2 cents...

Hopeworks

I identified with this... been there myself. I thought "God brought us together and we had a divine destiny"...

Thought that I could "change him" because he was a good Christian man.

Thought that ... well.... God needed "me" to be in the picture (silly I know tha the God who created the universe needed my help with one silly alcoholic but it is a crazy making disease).

So... fast forward 4 years of torturous working for God to being close to killing the object of my affection or "obsession" and we separate. He goes to Vegas I go golfing and having a great time!

After 3 months of being on a raging drunk he runs into "Jesus" complete with robe on a bus and he prays with my XA and gives him a card to call him when he wants help. (The man was a preacher who plays Jesus in film and had been at a church and amazingly enough we had met and prayed with him 2 years before so they recocnized eachother!)

This could be as long as War and Peace so I will cut to Readers Digest version.

He called "Jesus" and asked for help and he was gotten into rehab. Spent 3 months and then got out and relapsed again.He went back to rehab and now is doing great in active, authentic, completely genuine recovery in strong AA.

Did God send "Jesus" when my XA was ready? I think so. He could have sent him 4 years ago but my XA was not ready to break up with alcohol. He had to descend to the bottom and I kept stopping that from happening! I crippled him and hampered God's work with my meddling.

Imagine that? He did all by his lonesome... he and God! They didn't need my help (actually I was hurting him by not allowing him to grow up).

You can force them into being abstinent but recovery is something they have to WANT more than life and breath itself.

So... that is my E,S and H. God is big enough to do it without us. It hurts but it is true. He made them, he can cause miraculous things to happen and there are billions of other people on the planet and he can have the RIGHT one at the right time when the A is really "ready" to help themselves!

It is so simple it is astounding... and I spent 4 years spinning my wheels, driving myself crazy and aging my poor face and body stressing and agonizing for NO REASON.

But... I found SR, found alanon, worked the steps and figured a lot of stuff out... maybe the journey through hell was necessary. Dunno...but I try to tell people avoid the hell of crazy alcoholic attachments when possible.

Good luck on your own journey.