Those horrible fights
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Those horrible fights
The children remember them. They were traumatic. They seemed almost inescapable. I tried leaving the room, running out of the house, driving away, jumping out of our moving vehicle...I tried leaving as soon as AH got home, without saying anything that he could ignite. I stayed upstairs when he was down, outside when he was in. I stopped any holidays that involved hotels where people could hear the fighting. Our house was good, because there isn't a person in sight - but I bet the neighbors still heard.
The thing is, I did usually fight too. Usually after he cornered me and started getting really into my face, or when he found the most cruel thing yet than the cruel thing before. And he wouldn't pipe down for the children. He would actually say things for them to hear, trying to get them to see his way of viewing things - "children, now mommy is going to call the police like she always does to avoid dealing with her problems", "tommy, look how crazy mommy is being."
He would mess with me to get me upset, but I was so stupid that I would eventually succumb and fight back. And then I really probably did seem pretty well in a rage and this seemed to feed him.
Now finishing papers with the lawyer and I can hopefully say that I am finding a solution to how to end the fights for good. I just wish I could have kept myself to the high road all of the time, because I am ashamed for my part in it. And I pity the children for having experienced those times. Those horrible fights.
The thing is, I did usually fight too. Usually after he cornered me and started getting really into my face, or when he found the most cruel thing yet than the cruel thing before. And he wouldn't pipe down for the children. He would actually say things for them to hear, trying to get them to see his way of viewing things - "children, now mommy is going to call the police like she always does to avoid dealing with her problems", "tommy, look how crazy mommy is being."
He would mess with me to get me upset, but I was so stupid that I would eventually succumb and fight back. And then I really probably did seem pretty well in a rage and this seemed to feed him.
Now finishing papers with the lawyer and I can hopefully say that I am finding a solution to how to end the fights for good. I just wish I could have kept myself to the high road all of the time, because I am ashamed for my part in it. And I pity the children for having experienced those times. Those horrible fights.
I'm sorry you and the children have had to put up with all of that crap. And bringing the children into it is sooooo... I don't even have a good word for it. Well, I can think of a few, but I'd rather not get censored.
You guys will be in my daily prayers. May you find strength, courage, and hope in these coming days.
Peace be with you,
C-OH Dad
You guys will be in my daily prayers. May you find strength, courage, and hope in these coming days.
Peace be with you,
C-OH Dad
Well, I do understand, as a child I lived it. The fights, both verbal and physical, my mother and one of her drunk boyfriends, husbands. I spent many an hour in the closet, with the door shut, hiding under the dirty clothes, trying to keep my little brother quiet, hoping the tornado would pass without engulfing us. The fear, the fear, I will never forget the fear I saw in my brothers eyes, it stilll haunts me.
There is a light at the end of your tunnel, your children are still young, they can heal, therapy might be of help to them.
Sending support your way.
There is a light at the end of your tunnel, your children are still young, they can heal, therapy might be of help to them.
Sending support your way.
I grew up in an alcoholic home but my parents NEVER fought. I thought things were fine, they weren't. I didn't realize the damage that silence can bring as well. I became a codependent people pleaser. My AH grew up in a home where both parents were alcoholics and they fought like crazy and the kids would put pillows over their ears to drown out the noise. Not healthy, either.
My point is that even in a home where there is no fighting, the kids still suffer. Alcoholism is a powerful and cunning disease, no matter what the circumstances are. I will pray for you and your children this week. My son has been witness to some of my AH's craziness and to some of our fights. I am always ashamed of my part in it but sometimes it's hard to get yourself out of them when you've dug yourself so far into them.
My point is that even in a home where there is no fighting, the kids still suffer. Alcoholism is a powerful and cunning disease, no matter what the circumstances are. I will pray for you and your children this week. My son has been witness to some of my AH's craziness and to some of our fights. I am always ashamed of my part in it but sometimes it's hard to get yourself out of them when you've dug yourself so far into them.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Oh Pippi,
I hear the sadness and regret in your post. (((((hugs)))))) I know it is painful to look back on those times. The good news? You are moving forward and away from those awful fights. Your children will see the real you and be grateful for you removing that chaos from their lives. Hopefully, they too will learn to put those experiences in the past and let them go. You are being very strong for yourself and for your children. Onward!!!!
Sending support,
MamaKit
I hear the sadness and regret in your post. (((((hugs)))))) I know it is painful to look back on those times. The good news? You are moving forward and away from those awful fights. Your children will see the real you and be grateful for you removing that chaos from their lives. Hopefully, they too will learn to put those experiences in the past and let them go. You are being very strong for yourself and for your children. Onward!!!!
Sending support,
MamaKit
Pippi,
It hurts to look back with regret that it took so long to remove ourselves and our kids from the harmful effects of alcoholism in our home. It hurts like hell. I know. Believe me, I know. And I've had the same feelings of remorse and regret that you're experiencing now.
The thing is...We can't change the past. We can't undo it. Regret and guilt aren't going to help us. They aren't going to fix what needs fixing. What we can do is work on our recovery so that we can teach our kids that it IS possible to improve our lives no matter how bad things may seem. The silver lining is that we can teach our kids by example that our lives and our fate are NOT etched in stone just because we have been effected by the disease of alcohlism. We can teach recovery and live recovery so that our kids learn how to take care of themselves and they learn how NOT to become raging codepenents. As crappy as the situation is, it is a huge learning opportunity. There is so much potential for growth and healing. Embrace the chance to start anew one step at a time.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. IT wasn't full of fights about the drinking and crazy behavior. Just the opposite...it was full of denial. Life didn't make sense. I didn't understand. And I grew up to marry an alcohlic and became a full-blown codependent. Is it any wonder? There was no learning opportunity for me. Just denial. I think that's worse.
Don't beat yourself up. Just don't! You're taking big, brave, huge steps forward to improve your life and the lives of your children. You're doing something very few people manage to do. So hold your head up and begin anew today....and continue beginning anew....each day...one day at a time.
Hang tough...
It hurts to look back with regret that it took so long to remove ourselves and our kids from the harmful effects of alcoholism in our home. It hurts like hell. I know. Believe me, I know. And I've had the same feelings of remorse and regret that you're experiencing now.
The thing is...We can't change the past. We can't undo it. Regret and guilt aren't going to help us. They aren't going to fix what needs fixing. What we can do is work on our recovery so that we can teach our kids that it IS possible to improve our lives no matter how bad things may seem. The silver lining is that we can teach our kids by example that our lives and our fate are NOT etched in stone just because we have been effected by the disease of alcohlism. We can teach recovery and live recovery so that our kids learn how to take care of themselves and they learn how NOT to become raging codepenents. As crappy as the situation is, it is a huge learning opportunity. There is so much potential for growth and healing. Embrace the chance to start anew one step at a time.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. IT wasn't full of fights about the drinking and crazy behavior. Just the opposite...it was full of denial. Life didn't make sense. I didn't understand. And I grew up to marry an alcohlic and became a full-blown codependent. Is it any wonder? There was no learning opportunity for me. Just denial. I think that's worse.
Don't beat yourself up. Just don't! You're taking big, brave, huge steps forward to improve your life and the lives of your children. You're doing something very few people manage to do. So hold your head up and begin anew today....and continue beginning anew....each day...one day at a time.
Hang tough...
Mother guilt is a mighty big hole to jump into. Once I'm down in there, I find it really difficult to find a way back out. :/
What can you do today to improve your situation and improve your kids' situation?
(Hint: You're already taking steps.)
What can you do today to improve your situation and improve your kids' situation?
(Hint: You're already taking steps.)
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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THANK YOU for all of your support here SR. My shame has been a very powerful force in keeping me from moving forward. I used to promise myself that each fight would be the last - no matter what it took. Chopping off my own unruly tongue might have been next, after removing myself from family dinners and taking the train while AH drove! Wow, I really did that! Madness.
Why did I ever respond to his taunts, even when I never got any where? I thought I would get through to him, really I sid. I thought there was a word, a magic phrase, a final crescendo that would wake him up and make him be there with me.
Well, the last big fight was so bad, and I never yelled back once. It was so scary and he found the magic phrase that woke ME up, "i'm finally going to give you what you want...i am going to get you."
I'm awake!
Why did I ever respond to his taunts, even when I never got any where? I thought I would get through to him, really I sid. I thought there was a word, a magic phrase, a final crescendo that would wake him up and make him be there with me.
Well, the last big fight was so bad, and I never yelled back once. It was so scary and he found the magic phrase that woke ME up, "i'm finally going to give you what you want...i am going to get you."
I'm awake!
Hey babe,
I think whatever we do, we second-guess ourselves when we see the effect on our children. I never fought with AXH. I backed down. That's the behavior my youngest has learned from me -- when you're bullied, you back down. My middle child has learned her father's behavior, the bullying. She says "You never had my back when I was a kid. I'll never let anyone treat me like you let Dad treat you."
So, as Florence said. Mommy guilt is a mighty big hole. And a useless one. We know better, so we do better.
Chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other, even on the days you don't feel like it. Hugs
I think whatever we do, we second-guess ourselves when we see the effect on our children. I never fought with AXH. I backed down. That's the behavior my youngest has learned from me -- when you're bullied, you back down. My middle child has learned her father's behavior, the bullying. She says "You never had my back when I was a kid. I'll never let anyone treat me like you let Dad treat you."
So, as Florence said. Mommy guilt is a mighty big hole. And a useless one. We know better, so we do better.
Chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other, even on the days you don't feel like it. Hugs
You get to be imperfect, you get to make mistakes and learn from them.
Your children get to see that life is difficult, and that we all tumble now and then, and we pick ourselves back up and change behavior.
Living in chaos is so taxing and hard, but getting out is right action.
This is a perfect lesson at the end of a terrible situation.
My thougths and prayers are with you.
Be kind to yourself, please, it's going to be okay.
love to you and yours Katie
Your children get to see that life is difficult, and that we all tumble now and then, and we pick ourselves back up and change behavior.
Living in chaos is so taxing and hard, but getting out is right action.
This is a perfect lesson at the end of a terrible situation.
My thougths and prayers are with you.
Be kind to yourself, please, it's going to be okay.
love to you and yours Katie
From a former child that grew up in that insanity ~ Thank you for doing something different for yourself and your children ~
As an adult, I suddenly realized I too had placed my beautiful daughters in such insanity and I walked away ~ but not before the damage was done to them. Today I see them struggling to over come from it - but the good news is that we are healing - our mother daughter relationship is healing, their relationship with their HP is healing and they are learning slowly but surely to make healthier choices in their partner choices too ~ we are going to be ok - we have made it thru the insanity!
So please hang in there - it's hard right now - but please know there is hope and a future ~
pink hugs
As an adult, I suddenly realized I too had placed my beautiful daughters in such insanity and I walked away ~ but not before the damage was done to them. Today I see them struggling to over come from it - but the good news is that we are healing - our mother daughter relationship is healing, their relationship with their HP is healing and they are learning slowly but surely to make healthier choices in their partner choices too ~ we are going to be ok - we have made it thru the insanity!
So please hang in there - it's hard right now - but please know there is hope and a future ~
pink hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I have been thinking lots about your responses. I know the regret is hard and can pull a person down. But arriving at understanding and clarity helps me sort it out and maybe then I can put it away properly. The children don't understand the fighting either and they look to me to know what that was all about. As I get clear they can feel more secure.
I have told them all now that I am divorcing their father. Tellingly, they are relieved to know what is happening and that they shouldn't have to live with the fighting anymore. At the same time, as the initial papers are being finalized, I feel much more relaxed, which is showing me how incredibly stressed I have been. I don't know where all of my strength comes from. But I am clear that my Higher Power is with me and is guiding us to a better place. With this change in marital status we have the opportunity to transform ourselves as individuals and as a family. I see the children tuning in more more they start with old habits, such as when my oldest two are being mean. They are recognizing some things are they want to be their kinder, gentler selves. And I can be gentler when I also have the reassurance that I will have some protection from STBXAH. And that he will have less power over me. I am really learning that I can determine more things in my life. I can choose to live where I want to, as I have )))), and I am amazed to find that he can't do anything about it!!!
Rambling a bit but the children are starting to wake and I want to get these thoughts out still. Finally, thinking about your comments as to fighting versus silence. My reason for talking to AH, which led to the fights, was usually along the lines of trying to get him to explain his growing distance, his forgetfulness or disregard of me, his resistance to working with me on family happenings. His response was denial and anger and throwing up smokescreens...I honestly have a very hard time remembering it all.
But I think seeking communication and trying to reach understanding was in some ways healthy and normal behavior. Except that it never worked much, although occassionally he would give me an honest sentence or two after dragging me threw h**l for a few hours or more. What was obviously nuts is that I kept trying the same thing over and over thinking I would get through. Because I didn't understand his narcissism nor his alcoholism. It scared me too much for me to believe it.
When I hid myself on the other side of the house, or said nothing while seeing his bad demeanor, that was deeper in some ways. More like I was accepting the unacceptable.
So when some of you mention that the silence you grew up on was also bad, I believe it was probably very confusing and lonely. No child should ever have to experience any of that.
Blessings to all of you and your babies. And Happy Valentine's Day
I have told them all now that I am divorcing their father. Tellingly, they are relieved to know what is happening and that they shouldn't have to live with the fighting anymore. At the same time, as the initial papers are being finalized, I feel much more relaxed, which is showing me how incredibly stressed I have been. I don't know where all of my strength comes from. But I am clear that my Higher Power is with me and is guiding us to a better place. With this change in marital status we have the opportunity to transform ourselves as individuals and as a family. I see the children tuning in more more they start with old habits, such as when my oldest two are being mean. They are recognizing some things are they want to be their kinder, gentler selves. And I can be gentler when I also have the reassurance that I will have some protection from STBXAH. And that he will have less power over me. I am really learning that I can determine more things in my life. I can choose to live where I want to, as I have )))), and I am amazed to find that he can't do anything about it!!!
Rambling a bit but the children are starting to wake and I want to get these thoughts out still. Finally, thinking about your comments as to fighting versus silence. My reason for talking to AH, which led to the fights, was usually along the lines of trying to get him to explain his growing distance, his forgetfulness or disregard of me, his resistance to working with me on family happenings. His response was denial and anger and throwing up smokescreens...I honestly have a very hard time remembering it all.
But I think seeking communication and trying to reach understanding was in some ways healthy and normal behavior. Except that it never worked much, although occassionally he would give me an honest sentence or two after dragging me threw h**l for a few hours or more. What was obviously nuts is that I kept trying the same thing over and over thinking I would get through. Because I didn't understand his narcissism nor his alcoholism. It scared me too much for me to believe it.
When I hid myself on the other side of the house, or said nothing while seeing his bad demeanor, that was deeper in some ways. More like I was accepting the unacceptable.
So when some of you mention that the silence you grew up on was also bad, I believe it was probably very confusing and lonely. No child should ever have to experience any of that.
Blessings to all of you and your babies. And Happy Valentine's Day
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