Argnotthisagain

couldn't get the tears flowing? Like you've been in a dull ache for a while and you started **wanting** or knowing you need to cry? Know what I mean?

Well it was really hurting enough today and finally a sad song pushed me over the edge. That's good but I keep flashing on these scenes of times that I miss soooooo bad. Just the feeling of being together, connected, a part of his family even and it felt sooo right and so warm. I realllllllly realllllllly miss that!! God, I want to find that again, only the real kind!

Anyhow, so I thought I'd talk to you guys about it, cuz it hurts and it's scary.......I HATE letting go. I wish I could FEEL angry about the ******** he gave me and the abusive stuff that scared me and that I didn't deserve, but I've always had a hard time with that. I do sadness and fear and self-pity, instead. That's my default mode. Dammit. x(



Really I haven't seen him in about a year and a half, but we'd been in contact all along here and there. Increased contact around mid October, started talking on the phone.....

Until I said we needed to talk honestly about the drinking, now and he went RIGHT into raging ******** mode and hung up.


So anyway, I cut him off at that point. This was a little before Christmas--finally went NC for REAL.

So even though I'd been in terrible separation pain for months after we split after his biggest abusive rage attack of all of them, I guess I dragged out the healing process.

I know I'm not back to square one, so that's good. I just wish I could be comfortable in this phase of being alone and I wish I could trust that it's not forever.


Anyway, I *have* been healing and all, I've gotta pat myself on the back for that, but I admit, he lives in my head a lot. And today I was finally able to have a big cry again.

I just need to be reminded, I guess, that it will be ok? And that this is normal for where I'm at right now?
....cuz right now it just HURTS. And is scary. And alone. And I hate that I loved him so much but he's too pickled to be ABLE to be an emotionally mature partner.

I didn't pay attention to the red flags---or rather, didn't go slow enough to have enough time to to seeeee if the red flags were danger signs or just minor things.

Thanks for letting me ramble along here....... ugh god, I've had the heartbreak experience so many times before with screwed up people--- I should know by now that the pain goes away, but......right now, it just sucks.

Rosiepetal

Sorry for your hurt.
I guess crying means you're acknowledging your feelings though so it may actually help. Don't fight it just let the wave of emotion wash over you.
Just take one day at a time & focus on yourself. You're doing the right thing with NC.
Hugs. :ghug3

Argnotthisagain

Thanks Rosiepetal.

I need the reminder: take it a day at a time. *especially* when time does that weird thing where it seems to go on forever.

thanks

LexieCat

Recovery never goes in a straight line. Even sober alcoholics (like me) may not pick up a drink, but we still can slip emotionally into old ways of thinking and behavior. If we've got good recovery tools we get back on track before it turns into a relapse.

That's all this is, just one of the twists and turns that recovery takes. You won't feel this way forever.

One thing that helped me when I had my last breakup, eight or so years ago, was to concentrate on making myself happy rather than looking for someone else to "complete" my life. My life now feels so complete that I really do not feel lonely at all, and I have had no urges to go out and find someone else to make me feel good. If I ever meet someone that I want a relationship with, I'll never say never, but for now I'm good on my own.

Argnotthisagain

Great. I did a long reply to you Lexie and hit submit...but it didn't go through.

Have to get back to it later.