Update on I Am Third
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Update on I Am Third
I am about a month into my cancer treatments. I am so tired. I have been going to church, utilizing my resources of friends, support groups, etc...I have been taking things day by day because anything else is overwhelming.
Somehow, the attacks from separated AH continue! Last night he was drunk and emailing me that he was about to go have sex with someone else since I wont be with him. He called me obsenities within email which confirmed for me he was drinking.
Then this morning was his visitation so I had to prepare to see him. When he arrived, I just cracked open door and let our 4 year old walk out.
What kind of man does this to his separates wife who is fighting cancer? I dont understand why he just doesnt stay away! Do I really need to work on a divorce in addition to everything else i an facing? Working, single motherhood, cancer, etc...im exhausted SR family.
I need support and to be uplifted. I am so scared that he will beat me down so much mentally that I wont win my fight against this disease...
Somehow, the attacks from separated AH continue! Last night he was drunk and emailing me that he was about to go have sex with someone else since I wont be with him. He called me obsenities within email which confirmed for me he was drinking.
Then this morning was his visitation so I had to prepare to see him. When he arrived, I just cracked open door and let our 4 year old walk out.
What kind of man does this to his separates wife who is fighting cancer? I dont understand why he just doesnt stay away! Do I really need to work on a divorce in addition to everything else i an facing? Working, single motherhood, cancer, etc...im exhausted SR family.
I need support and to be uplifted. I am so scared that he will beat me down so much mentally that I wont win my fight against this disease...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
iamthird I wish there was something I could do to help you. I just can't see that he should be able to send you obscene and abusive emails while you are going through this difficult time.
Is there anyone from your church or support circle that can visit him with copies of his emails and shame him into stopping? Is there any legal recourse you can use to keep all communications to strictly concerning parenting?
Just think about my support coming around the world to you.
Is there anyone from your church or support circle that can visit him with copies of his emails and shame him into stopping? Is there any legal recourse you can use to keep all communications to strictly concerning parenting?
Just think about my support coming around the world to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
iamthird, I think I am going to nickname you "iamFIRSTandiamWORTHY"
because you deserve to be FIRST, and you are WORTHY.
What your AH is doing is despicable. It is harassment. I would recommend that you call a lawyer or domestic abuse hotline as soon as possible and report this. Keep all his e-mails. Keep a detailed record of every contact you have with him. Keep a detailed record of what state he is in when he picks up your daughter and when he returns her.
What he is doing is unconscionable and that is why we have a legal system to protect people like you and your child. This is not a time that you need to be on your own. You could call the police and ask them to file harassment charges based on his recent e-mail to you.
Can you reach out to as many people, through as many avenues as you can think of? If you can make those first efforts, then the help you need will come your way. There are many groups of people, many of them cancer survivors, who will help you. There are people at churches, all denominations, who will help you. There are people at your hospital who will help you. There are people at Alanon and AA who will help you. There are people at domestic violence centers who will help you. There are lawyers who volunteer their services who will help you.
Just make those first phone calls. Get people who can help you on all these fronts into action. They'll be there for you.
And we are here for you. Come back soon, come back each day, we'll support you. You have a huge, if non-physical, family here of people who care. Stay in touch, draw on us for support. For most of us, this forum has been here when we most needed it, when we thought we just couldn't make it any further. I'm here now, still getting that support, and I am paying it back by being here for you. There are many like me here.
You will get through this and you will thrive. You'll find friends here, kindred spirits.
Hoping to hear from you soon,
ShootingStar1
because you deserve to be FIRST, and you are WORTHY.
What your AH is doing is despicable. It is harassment. I would recommend that you call a lawyer or domestic abuse hotline as soon as possible and report this. Keep all his e-mails. Keep a detailed record of every contact you have with him. Keep a detailed record of what state he is in when he picks up your daughter and when he returns her.
What he is doing is unconscionable and that is why we have a legal system to protect people like you and your child. This is not a time that you need to be on your own. You could call the police and ask them to file harassment charges based on his recent e-mail to you.
Can you reach out to as many people, through as many avenues as you can think of? If you can make those first efforts, then the help you need will come your way. There are many groups of people, many of them cancer survivors, who will help you. There are people at churches, all denominations, who will help you. There are people at your hospital who will help you. There are people at Alanon and AA who will help you. There are people at domestic violence centers who will help you. There are lawyers who volunteer their services who will help you.
Just make those first phone calls. Get people who can help you on all these fronts into action. They'll be there for you.
And we are here for you. Come back soon, come back each day, we'll support you. You have a huge, if non-physical, family here of people who care. Stay in touch, draw on us for support. For most of us, this forum has been here when we most needed it, when we thought we just couldn't make it any further. I'm here now, still getting that support, and I am paying it back by being here for you. There are many like me here.
You will get through this and you will thrive. You'll find friends here, kindred spirits.
Hoping to hear from you soon,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Yes! You are First and Worthy! Beautifully said.
In addition to the PM I sent, I just want to say I am so happy you are here among us, that you are alive and in the process of healing and regeneration. You have found an inner strength in you which has proven itself to be unbreakable, for you have continued to meet each day with integrity and determination, even though your heart aches from his emotional abuse of you, and you are weakened physically. Still, you raise your children and do your work and lay down your head every night having met your challenges and responsibilities with grace and courage.
May angels encircle you, iamthird (FIRST!), offering you divine protection, and may the hearts of all those who read your messages here reach out to you in love and support.
In addition to the PM I sent, I just want to say I am so happy you are here among us, that you are alive and in the process of healing and regeneration. You have found an inner strength in you which has proven itself to be unbreakable, for you have continued to meet each day with integrity and determination, even though your heart aches from his emotional abuse of you, and you are weakened physically. Still, you raise your children and do your work and lay down your head every night having met your challenges and responsibilities with grace and courage.
May angels encircle you, iamthird (FIRST!), offering you divine protection, and may the hearts of all those who read your messages here reach out to you in love and support.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
IamFirst......
((((((((You))))))))
Well, like you said, just a day at a time. Just a few steps, just what's right in front of you.
My heart goes out to you. A friend of mine beat cancer, but getting through the treatments was very tiring. I don't know what your work situation is. Are they expecting you to work at full throttle, even while you're fighting through all this other stuff? I hope not.
I like that you only opened the door a crack. That's the right idea!
I like the ideas that Shooting Star suggested, very good advice.
I wish I could do more to help but i can't do better than all the good advice already shared!!!!! I will be sending my prayers too.
Hugshugshugs !!
((((((((You))))))))
Well, like you said, just a day at a time. Just a few steps, just what's right in front of you.
My heart goes out to you. A friend of mine beat cancer, but getting through the treatments was very tiring. I don't know what your work situation is. Are they expecting you to work at full throttle, even while you're fighting through all this other stuff? I hope not.
I like that you only opened the door a crack. That's the right idea!
I like the ideas that Shooting Star suggested, very good advice.
I wish I could do more to help but i can't do better than all the good advice already shared!!!!! I will be sending my prayers too.
Hugshugshugs !!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry for your fight against cancer & the horrible behaviour you are receiving.
The reason they do that is because if they blame someone else then they think they're not guilty for anything & it takes the emphasis off themselves.
Horrible I know but you are definitely worthy & you don't need that behaviour. Avoid contact as much as you can.
The reason they do that is because if they blame someone else then they think they're not guilty for anything & it takes the emphasis off themselves.
Horrible I know but you are definitely worthy & you don't need that behaviour. Avoid contact as much as you can.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
SR brothers and sisters, am I right in thinking it would be possible for iamthird to set up a rule where any emails from her husband go to a third party for vetting before being forwarded on to her (if there is anything worthwhile in them)? I think the shame as well as the uselessness of sending these harassing emails would shame AH when and if he sobers up. It would also allow any meaningful communications to get through.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This is a difficult battle that you are facing and you are so right, it is imperative that you keep your mind in a positive venue.
I like Shooting Stars post, lots of good suggestions.
I might suggest that you start reading daily inspirational quotes also reach out to your friends/family for support and of coarse keep posting here.
So very sorry that you are struggling.
I like Shooting Stars post, lots of good suggestions.
I might suggest that you start reading daily inspirational quotes also reach out to your friends/family for support and of coarse keep posting here.
So very sorry that you are struggling.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry to hear that you are sooo exhausted from the treatments you must endure. Sending many hugs and prayers your way.
I don't know how it can be accomplished, but is there someone who, for now, CAN screen your e-mails from him and only release the ones to you that pertain directly to that precious little 4 yo? It would save a world of hurt for you right now!
I like the idea of You being First!! It's kinda' catchy.....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am so sorry you are going through the cancer treatments, as I know they make the
person exhausted, but glad that you are getting them to put the cancer in remission!
As to your AH, it has been said, he is a practicing Asshat!
I am sending healing thoughts and prayers to you and have added you to the three
prayer lists I belong to.
I would suggest that you give a trusted friend, maybe at your church, access to your
email account so that they can double check all your emails and then you only go and
read the ones that the friend has left in the account already opened. Any not open
leave until the friend has checked them.
Not only will this save you those hateful emails, but eventually he will find out that ALL
your emails are being screened, and yes it just might give him second thoughts about
sending hateful emails.
Even though we are not there with you physically, whenever you are feeling
down, picture the room you are in just FILLED with all your friends here at
Sober Recovery. We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
person exhausted, but glad that you are getting them to put the cancer in remission!
As to your AH, it has been said, he is a practicing Asshat!
I am sending healing thoughts and prayers to you and have added you to the three
prayer lists I belong to.
I would suggest that you give a trusted friend, maybe at your church, access to your
email account so that they can double check all your emails and then you only go and
read the ones that the friend has left in the account already opened. Any not open
leave until the friend has checked them.
Not only will this save you those hateful emails, but eventually he will find out that ALL
your emails are being screened, and yes it just might give him second thoughts about
sending hateful emails.
Even though we are not there with you physically, whenever you are feeling
down, picture the room you are in just FILLED with all your friends here at
Sober Recovery. We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
IamFIRST!! I'm so sorry he's harassing you. My exabf would do the same thing. He would text me horrible texts, calling me names and stuff. It makes it worse for you since you are fighting cancer and he don't care. He won't care because all he thinks about is himself..always did, always will. You and I have compassion and empathy that a's don't have so its hard for us to understand why the act the way they do. I'm done trying to figure out, understand, and make excuses for my exabf. I'm focusing back on me. Please do the same. You need to take care of yourself! We need you here 💕😻
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Its really hard because I have no family of origin so my whole life Ive relied on the wrong people. My dr. Keeps urging to line up my support system and I have been.
My dr. Called me in last Fri with no notice for pre-op because surgery was authorized and asked I come in at the same time separated AH was supposed to drop her off. So obviously I had to ask him to drop her at dr. With me instead of at home because nobody would be at home. Well he came to dr and stayed. The dr and nurses know we are separated but they were trying to help thinking if AH heard severity of my condition maybe he would step up more. So I thought this is not the time for pride to be up so I allowed him in to hear what dr. Had to say. AH listened and asked questions. We walked out of the room and he seemed to be absorbing....then he surprised me and suggested he take FMLA leave to take care of me since I have no one else. I was surprised by offer and again because I am desperate decided I would allow him to give whatever help he was willing to because I need it.
Well by the evening he was pushing me away again. He was being short and evasive and I told him that is why I cannot take his help. Because I dont trust him. How can I trust someone enough to be vulnerable and sick around him when in a moment he can turn it off and be a cruel jerk? I cannot depend on an active alcoholic. He says I am ungrateful and even my own parents dont care to be there for me and he is willing?? I feel like this is his normal abusive tactic to make me feel grateful for crumbs again.
I am using every resource available, applied for all assistance possible. I make too much money for assistance since i am still working. I have to work because disability only pays 55% of my salary and I wouldnt be able to pay rent on 55% of salary. I am trying to stick it out as long as possible. I use friends as much as possible but they cant be with me for everything.
The thing I have the hardest time with honestly is just dealing with separation on top of illness. I so badly want to let my guard down and let him take care of me. But I think ahead to if I let him, all the pain and angst I would have to endure. Hes always been good at logistics: fixing my car, doing laundry, getting groceries, etc...I trust him for those things. However I think ahead to if hes with me taking care of me and texting his girlfriend from my house or leaving me and then seeing her. I just cant let my guard down all the way and I dont see how he thinks that could possibly work. I honestly would rather struggle than live in the uncertainty and chaos of living with an active alcoholic.
Prayers is all anyone can do at this point. I just needed to vent. The cancer appointments, treatments, care, etc...to me thats the easy stuff and i have no choice in those things, they have to be done. The hard part is going through it without My husband who up until 8 months ago was my best friend. My heart is broken on top of facing illness alone and thats why I ache.
My dr. Called me in last Fri with no notice for pre-op because surgery was authorized and asked I come in at the same time separated AH was supposed to drop her off. So obviously I had to ask him to drop her at dr. With me instead of at home because nobody would be at home. Well he came to dr and stayed. The dr and nurses know we are separated but they were trying to help thinking if AH heard severity of my condition maybe he would step up more. So I thought this is not the time for pride to be up so I allowed him in to hear what dr. Had to say. AH listened and asked questions. We walked out of the room and he seemed to be absorbing....then he surprised me and suggested he take FMLA leave to take care of me since I have no one else. I was surprised by offer and again because I am desperate decided I would allow him to give whatever help he was willing to because I need it.
Well by the evening he was pushing me away again. He was being short and evasive and I told him that is why I cannot take his help. Because I dont trust him. How can I trust someone enough to be vulnerable and sick around him when in a moment he can turn it off and be a cruel jerk? I cannot depend on an active alcoholic. He says I am ungrateful and even my own parents dont care to be there for me and he is willing?? I feel like this is his normal abusive tactic to make me feel grateful for crumbs again.
I am using every resource available, applied for all assistance possible. I make too much money for assistance since i am still working. I have to work because disability only pays 55% of my salary and I wouldnt be able to pay rent on 55% of salary. I am trying to stick it out as long as possible. I use friends as much as possible but they cant be with me for everything.
The thing I have the hardest time with honestly is just dealing with separation on top of illness. I so badly want to let my guard down and let him take care of me. But I think ahead to if I let him, all the pain and angst I would have to endure. Hes always been good at logistics: fixing my car, doing laundry, getting groceries, etc...I trust him for those things. However I think ahead to if hes with me taking care of me and texting his girlfriend from my house or leaving me and then seeing her. I just cant let my guard down all the way and I dont see how he thinks that could possibly work. I honestly would rather struggle than live in the uncertainty and chaos of living with an active alcoholic.
Prayers is all anyone can do at this point. I just needed to vent. The cancer appointments, treatments, care, etc...to me thats the easy stuff and i have no choice in those things, they have to be done. The hard part is going through it without My husband who up until 8 months ago was my best friend. My heart is broken on top of facing illness alone and thats why I ache.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
iamfirst: (I love how the people on this thread renamed you--just like going to a Buddhist monastery or a convent and getting a new name! Please adopt it for yourself!)
I just want to reiterate what others have said about the importance of support. Your first order of business is to attend to your physical needs while you are undergoing cancer treatment! Overcome your "positive energy deficit" by finding people who can give you the positive energy you need!
Wayne Dyer says:
New-Agey stuff might be a turn-off, but I like the imagery. I like to imagine toxic energy being, like he says, "just as if you allow someone with a cold to sneeze in your face"--The protective shield we all have are people around us who are sane, and smart, and caring.
Take care of yourself!
I just want to reiterate what others have said about the importance of support. Your first order of business is to attend to your physical needs while you are undergoing cancer treatment! Overcome your "positive energy deficit" by finding people who can give you the positive energy you need!
Wayne Dyer says:
If someone brings anxiety, shame, depression, fear, whining, complaining, apathy, stress, worry, anger, guilt, or any of the multitude of what I call lower energy patterns, they are inviting you to join in their misery and load your life up with the problems that they live with every day. Become aware of what kinds of energy fields are impacting your energy body boundaries, and resolve to remove yourself from any toxicity that threatens the purity of your life space. When you feel yourself being breached, take immediate action, first by recognizing what is happening, and then moving in counter action. Watch your breathing.. remove yourself in a conflect-free way from the invading energetic forces.
Take care of yourself!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Oh and to explain my name: its the concept that God comes first, serving our neighbors come second and ourselves third. It is not negative to myself. It has to do with my religious beliefs.
God or HP First
Then myself
Then those around me in order of importance to me.
If I do not take care of myself before I help others, there will be nothing of me to give to others.
I have lived the above to the best of my ability since first learning it. I do that by 'living' the principals of the 12 steps to the best of my current ability, on a daily basis.
Right now you do need to take care of you.
Again, I am so sorry you are having to go through this and I have put you on the list of 3 different prayer groups I belong to.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
(((((((Hugs)))))))
You are making progress. You are learning and understanding the boundary you need in place to protect yourself from your AHs antics. I think the advice about forwarding or sharing his emails to you is spot on. Forwarding them to a lawyer might be the most effective way to protect yourself because your lawyer would know a longer term way to counteract his particularly nasty or harassing ones. But, even sharing what he says with a close friend might help you see it in a new light and clip some of its barbs.
A good friend of mine at work received a particularly vile email from her XAH while she was at work. It was short, but full of passionate hate. She gasped when she read it and her wide eyes had the beginnings of tears. I also gasped when I read it. It was like a punch to the gut. But then I guffawed. As spontaneous and passionate as his email seemed, he still took the time to spell out an obscenity with symbols. Really? Who writes a horridly hurtful email but thinks twice about properly spelling out an obscene word? That placed the email squarely in the ridiculous and we had a good laugh about it. It could have ruined the rest of her day had she internalized it instead of sharing it.
I've found that humor is a powerful antidote to the negative energy of unhealthy people, but it can be diificult to get there on our own when the hurt strikes home. I hope you can find someone who can help you to see the ridiculous. You need to release some laughter into the world sometimes.
Take care,
Fathom
You are making progress. You are learning and understanding the boundary you need in place to protect yourself from your AHs antics. I think the advice about forwarding or sharing his emails to you is spot on. Forwarding them to a lawyer might be the most effective way to protect yourself because your lawyer would know a longer term way to counteract his particularly nasty or harassing ones. But, even sharing what he says with a close friend might help you see it in a new light and clip some of its barbs.
A good friend of mine at work received a particularly vile email from her XAH while she was at work. It was short, but full of passionate hate. She gasped when she read it and her wide eyes had the beginnings of tears. I also gasped when I read it. It was like a punch to the gut. But then I guffawed. As spontaneous and passionate as his email seemed, he still took the time to spell out an obscenity with symbols. Really? Who writes a horridly hurtful email but thinks twice about properly spelling out an obscene word? That placed the email squarely in the ridiculous and we had a good laugh about it. It could have ruined the rest of her day had she internalized it instead of sharing it.
I've found that humor is a powerful antidote to the negative energy of unhealthy people, but it can be diificult to get there on our own when the hurt strikes home. I hope you can find someone who can help you to see the ridiculous. You need to release some laughter into the world sometimes.
Take care,
Fathom
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