footloose85

I am new here. My fiance just went to his first AA meeting today. I am not sure how to support him in his recovery. I have no experience in this as I have never dated an alcoholic nor were my either of my parents or any family members alcoholics. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

jazzfish

You can look at some Al-Anon literature or attend a meeting.

I am new here and I am sure you will get lots of detailed advice and experience shortly.

LexieCat

The best support is often the least support. By that, I mean avoid the temptation to monitor what he is doing, how many meetings he's going to, whether he seems to be "better" or not. The best way to avoid that is to get focused on yourself. Al-Anon is a great place to talk to other friends and family members who have been affected by someone else's drinking.

I don't know when you are planning to get married, but I would postpone the wedding until he has been solidly sober for at least a year. If you read these boards, you will see that marriage to an active alcoholic is one heartache after another. People can, and do, recover, but sometimes it's a rocky road. The fact that he is willing to attend a meeting is good. Some people just don't get into it right away, though. My first husband went to one meeting, felt he could manage on his own, and after more alcoholic craziness he finally got sober during a period when we were separated. He is still sober, 33 years later.

Take your time, and adopt a wait-and-see attitude, while working on your own attitudes and actions. I also think it's a good idea to learn as much as you can about alcoholism--not for him as much as for yourself. I recommend the "Big Book" ("Alcoholics Anonymous") and also "Under the Influence." Bothe will give you a lot more insight into what it is you are both dealing with.

Stick around here, too--there is a lot of great support to be had.

jazzfish

One thing I would add is that you are never responsible for his drinking should he relapse, for his sobriety if he doesn't, and you cannot save him from alcoholism. Find out what healthy support is.

However, don't let this scare you off from marrying him. Alcoholics are generally great people, but they need to be serious about sobriety.

footloose85

Thank you! That's GREAT advice! We are actually seeing a pastor at our church for pre-marital and individual counseling and he suggests we go forward with the wedding. We have given it much consideration and we are VERY committed to each other and the rocky road ahead

Hanna

Welcome to SR. Glad you found us, sorry you need to be here.

Reading and posting here has been a great help to me. The stickies at the top of each forum are a good place to start.

The best thing you can do for him, (in my opinion), is to learn as much as you can and take care of yourself. Maybe attend an Al-anon meeting to see how you feel about that. Definitely continue reading and posting here, as you will learn so much from other Friends and Family of alcoholics and addicts.

Peace.

Rosiepetal

Welcome to SR.
I found learning as much as I could about alcoholism helped.
Also you will need to work your own recovery while he works his.
Focus on yourself & getting healthy again.
Post as much as you like, SR is very supportive & informative.

Aleksandra

Wonderful wisdom in these replies.It is important to firstly take care of yourself .I still find this really difficult ,even after 25years with my son who is mostly sober(I know because I give him Antabuse every 2nd day)however,still occasionally binges if I'm away or he is on holiday.I would love to hear from other parents of A as it is so hard for me to let go.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. We are here to offer our strength, hope and experience (ES&H)

Some of our stories are posted at the top of this main page. Those posts (marked with a little padlock) are called the Sticky Posts. I am always finding wisdom when I read through those posts.

Here is one of my favorite Sticky Posts, I followed these steps while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Addictshusband

I have been married to an alcoholic/addict for over 25 yrs and I have to disagree with your pastor, I'm sorry. I hope that you will do a lot of reading here about life experiences others have had before making that huge commitment before he has been sober for quite some time. Marriages are easier to get into than out of.

Please read my post titled "Here we go again" posted in this section last night and the advice I was given. Don't lose years of your life like I have.

LexieCat

I'm afraid I need to respectfully disagree with the pastor, as well. Nobody is suggesting the two of you break up. What we are suggesting is that marriage presents a whole new set of challenges even when alcoholism isn't in the picture.

One of the conventional recommendations in AA is not to make any big changes the first year or so of sobriety. Marriage is a huge change, and, as Addictshusband points out, very complicated to end if things don't go well.

A year is not a very long time to wait if he is in recovery. If he isn't, then much better to find out before you have made that legal commitment.