How do I support my spouse going through recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Morristown
Posts: 2
How do I support my spouse going through recovery?
Hi. My husband (we are currently 5 months separated due to his alcohol use) is currently on the verge of finally addressing his alcoholism and entering rehab. Last month he finally admitted that he had a serious drinking problem and has just recently used the word "alcoholic". He stopped drinking about a month ago but had a relapse last week. Since then he says he is sober. He has been trying to find a rehab program, but I have been careful not to enable him.
He is not by nature a responsible person, but I feel that he has not taken this seriously. He says the right things, that he wants to get clean for himself, that he wants a fresh start, and that he wants to be a healthier person and fix our marriage. He finally was able to get into a rehab program and I agreed to take him this morning. I knew he was getting cold feet, and this morning he called to say that he had not packed at all (he had ample time) and did not have a reason, and apologized to me. He said that he was going to go on Monday. I don't know what to believe anymore. I am tired of being disappointed and having him bail on me and on himself. I am trying to be as supportive as possible but I don't have much left in me. I am desperate to see him accept help, but more, to see him actively ask for help without being pressured. I told him that if he bails on Monday, I am filing for divorce.
My question is- how do I help support him without enabling? And how do I know when he is really ready and not just giving me a line? I am so scared that he is drinking right now. Since the separation I do not speak to his friends or family so I do not have them for support right now.
Any help is appreciated. I am so frightened for him that he will not accept the help.
Thank You.
He is not by nature a responsible person, but I feel that he has not taken this seriously. He says the right things, that he wants to get clean for himself, that he wants a fresh start, and that he wants to be a healthier person and fix our marriage. He finally was able to get into a rehab program and I agreed to take him this morning. I knew he was getting cold feet, and this morning he called to say that he had not packed at all (he had ample time) and did not have a reason, and apologized to me. He said that he was going to go on Monday. I don't know what to believe anymore. I am tired of being disappointed and having him bail on me and on himself. I am trying to be as supportive as possible but I don't have much left in me. I am desperate to see him accept help, but more, to see him actively ask for help without being pressured. I told him that if he bails on Monday, I am filing for divorce.
My question is- how do I help support him without enabling? And how do I know when he is really ready and not just giving me a line? I am so scared that he is drinking right now. Since the separation I do not speak to his friends or family so I do not have them for support right now.
Any help is appreciated. I am so frightened for him that he will not accept the help.
Thank You.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi cldh58 and welcome to Sober Recovery.
There are huge amounts of great information and support here. If you read the stickies (permanent posts at the top of the page) you will find all sorts of basic information.
One of the 1st things I learned here that really helped me was the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
There is nothing I can do to make my alcoholic wife want to recover, just like there is nothing I can do that will force her to drink. Drinking or not drinking is her choice. Working a recovery or not working a recovery is her choice. I don't get any say in it.
Pretty much she's own her own with that.
The only thing that I can do is work my own recovery.
Your friend,
There are huge amounts of great information and support here. If you read the stickies (permanent posts at the top of the page) you will find all sorts of basic information.
One of the 1st things I learned here that really helped me was the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
There is nothing I can do to make my alcoholic wife want to recover, just like there is nothing I can do that will force her to drink. Drinking or not drinking is her choice. Working a recovery or not working a recovery is her choice. I don't get any say in it.
Pretty much she's own her own with that.
The only thing that I can do is work my own recovery.
Your friend,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Based on my experience, his not going today is a big red flag. When an "A" is really ready, they will walk, crawl, take a bus or ride their bike to check themselves into a rehab program. When they pospone, it is not a good sign. If he really wants to get there on Monday, he will find a way.
I would suggest that you read the stickeys at the top of this forum, cynical one's blogs, which can be accessed at right above your post and read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.
Keep posting, it will help.
I would suggest that you read the stickeys at the top of this forum, cynical one's blogs, which can be accessed at right above your post and read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.
Keep posting, it will help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There are cabs, buses, all kinds of ways for him to get to rehab. He can call a friend.
It isn't that unusual to get cold feet.
If you want to file for divorce, I suggest you do it. If you aren't ready to, don't. But I strongly suggest you not make a decision contingent on whether he goes to rehab on the date YOU would like for him to go. And most important, don't make threats you aren't prepared to carry out.
Here's the deal. Even if he goes to rehab, he may not stay. Even if he stays, he may relapse. He may relapse many times. He may get sober this time or after a few more months of being miserable, or he may never do it. You can't possibly know, or even tell by how he "seems," what will happen. He may with all his heart believe he is going on Monday, and everything can still go south. That is the nature of the beast (and I'm not talking about him, I am talking about alcoholism).
My own suggestion is that you let him do what he will, and you get busy and work on your own recovery. Have you been to Al-Anon?
It isn't that unusual to get cold feet.
If you want to file for divorce, I suggest you do it. If you aren't ready to, don't. But I strongly suggest you not make a decision contingent on whether he goes to rehab on the date YOU would like for him to go. And most important, don't make threats you aren't prepared to carry out.
Here's the deal. Even if he goes to rehab, he may not stay. Even if he stays, he may relapse. He may relapse many times. He may get sober this time or after a few more months of being miserable, or he may never do it. You can't possibly know, or even tell by how he "seems," what will happen. He may with all his heart believe he is going on Monday, and everything can still go south. That is the nature of the beast (and I'm not talking about him, I am talking about alcoholism).
My own suggestion is that you let him do what he will, and you get busy and work on your own recovery. Have you been to Al-Anon?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome!
Welcome to the SR family!
This is a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading/posting/venting as often as needed.
At the top of this main page, there is a list of posts that are marked with a little padlock symbol in the left column. Those are called the sticky posts. They are permanent posts, that have been preserved for future reading. Those sticky posts contain some of our stories. They also contain a lot of wisdom from the collective wisdom of members.
Here is one of my favorite sticky posts. I followed all of these steps:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
This is a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading/posting/venting as often as needed.
At the top of this main page, there is a list of posts that are marked with a little padlock symbol in the left column. Those are called the sticky posts. They are permanent posts, that have been preserved for future reading. Those sticky posts contain some of our stories. They also contain a lot of wisdom from the collective wisdom of members.
Here is one of my favorite sticky posts. I followed all of these steps:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There is nothing you can do or say that will stop him from drinking. The fact he didn't even pack shows he's not serious about recovery. Talk is cheap, it's what the person actually does that matters. And the more you let go of expectations the better you'll feel.
I'd say having any conversation or email is enabling. It says "I'm still here for you while you drink"...........
I'd say having any conversation or email is enabling. It says "I'm still here for you while you drink"...........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
If he is serious his actions will speak louder than words.
Take a step back & just wait to see what he does.
He needs to do this for him.
In the mean time concentrate on yourself & your recovery.
Even if he does seek sobriety it won't be an easy road & there will be no guarantees your relationship will survive.
Hugs :ghug3
Take a step back & just wait to see what he does.
He needs to do this for him.
In the mean time concentrate on yourself & your recovery.
Even if he does seek sobriety it won't be an easy road & there will be no guarantees your relationship will survive.
Hugs :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Morristown
Posts: 2
Thank You. Yes, I have been to several Al-Anon meetings. I don't find the steps particularly helpful, though I do find some peace in the support offered from those who know where I am in my life. I don't want to file for divorce, but I do know that I cannot offer up empty threats.
I wish there was something to say to help them understand that they have support. I am so frightened for him.
I wish there was something to say to help them understand that they have support. I am so frightened for him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Unfortunately there is not much you can say when they are actively drinking. They don't have the ability to love anyone when they don't love themselves, and they can't see the effect it has on others.
My RABF did the same thing with rehab. Said he wanted to go, was ready. I picked up the phone, made the arrangements, then handed the phone to him. I packed for him, got his documents ready. The next morning I wake up and he's in the family room...drunk. Said he changed his mind. I was heart broken, but I just said okay. And I let him know I was done, he was on his own figuring this out.
A week later, he comes to me and says he's ready. I gave him the phone number of the place that accepted him the prior week, but I didn't make the call this time. I didn't pack for him. I didn't ask any questions. He did ask me for a ride the next morning, and I did drive him there.
I learned "Mean what you say....and don't say it mean" during my own recovery. So don't make threats if you're not ready to carry them out. Keep going to AlAnon, it took me awhile before it all came together.
My RABF did the same thing with rehab. Said he wanted to go, was ready. I picked up the phone, made the arrangements, then handed the phone to him. I packed for him, got his documents ready. The next morning I wake up and he's in the family room...drunk. Said he changed his mind. I was heart broken, but I just said okay. And I let him know I was done, he was on his own figuring this out.
A week later, he comes to me and says he's ready. I gave him the phone number of the place that accepted him the prior week, but I didn't make the call this time. I didn't pack for him. I didn't ask any questions. He did ask me for a ride the next morning, and I did drive him there.
I learned "Mean what you say....and don't say it mean" during my own recovery. So don't make threats if you're not ready to carry them out. Keep going to AlAnon, it took me awhile before it all came together.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 1
What to expect during the front-end of my wife's treatment
What is reasonable for me to expect from my wife as she enters into IOP Treatment program? Our marriage is really frail right now. I am hip-deep into addressing my own co-dependency issues and making some progress. The book How to Love Someone in Recovery is helping me a lot. My wife is making progress in her treatment but I'm on the outside of knowing what really is going on with her treatment. Our marriage seems to be falling apart -the core issue, it would seem to me, has been she has made her relationship with the alcohol the priority relationship over her relationship with me. Any advice? We are both seeing counselors separately and meeting with a counselor as a couple.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Step back and let him do this, or not do this, for himself. The more he has vested into his own recovery the more successful he will be.
Take this time to work on you, figure out what needs and desires you have out of life, and take steps to accomplish those things. Do all you can for your own wellbeing. Do you go to meetings yourself, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? That would provide you face to face support.
In my opinion, the best thing to do with any alcoholic is to get out of their way and let them reach for recovery. Some will, some won't. If he does, support him and encourage him, don't enable him. Stay separated for the long haul, as his actions over the course of a long time is what will tell if he is going to recover, or not.
Take this time to work on you, figure out what needs and desires you have out of life, and take steps to accomplish those things. Do all you can for your own wellbeing. Do you go to meetings yourself, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? That would provide you face to face support.
In my opinion, the best thing to do with any alcoholic is to get out of their way and let them reach for recovery. Some will, some won't. If he does, support him and encourage him, don't enable him. Stay separated for the long haul, as his actions over the course of a long time is what will tell if he is going to recover, or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Rubicon 
What is reasonable for me to expect from my wife as she enters into IOP Treatment program? Our marriage is really frail right now. I am hip-deep into addressing my own co-dependency issues and making some progress. The book How to Love Someone in Recovery is helping me a lot. My wife is making progress in her treatment but I'm on the outside of knowing what really is going on with her treatment. Our marriage seems to be falling apart -the core issue, it would seem to me, has been she has made her relationship with the alcohol the priority relationship over her relationship with me. Any advice? We are both seeing counselors separately and meeting with a counselor as a couple.
This is an older thread & while people may still respond you may get more responses to your specific question if you start your own thread & introduce yourself.
My RAH never did IOP treatment so I can't speak to that part of your concerns, but I can definitely identify as a Codependent. The first thing I would highly recommend for you is to read through some of the sticky threads at the top of this forum - it's a compilation of the most relevant topics that we all face in this forum with links to some really amazing, educational threads.
I'm sorry you have a need to be here, but you'll find great support in this forum.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
One thing I can say is this: You don't need to pack for rehab. Many show up with absolutely nothing but the clothes on theirs backs. Getting through the door and admitted is step one. He will be supplied with the essentials. And you or someone else can deliver what he 'needs' beyond the bare minimum. Basically clothes and a toothbrush is all you need.
Not sure what you mean by helping without enabling him.
If you want to take him go. Pick him up Monday, if he says he didn't pack pack. Call BS. Tell him to get in the car and you'll drop him off and someone will bring his things later. If he refuses... Good luck.
Not sure what you mean by helping without enabling him.
If you want to take him go. Pick him up Monday, if he says he didn't pack pack. Call BS. Tell him to get in the car and you'll drop him off and someone will bring his things later. If he refuses... Good luck.
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