italiungrl

Good Morning all,

I sit here( as I work form home) looking in the bedroom at my ABF sleeping in the bedroom, He came to bed last night at 5 AM, Wanted to know at midnight If I minded if he smoked a Cigar and stay up and watch one his TV shows I don't care for, how that rolled into 5 hours well we know. I asked that he please go to the bonus room because the smoke bothers me, no problem he said.
I actually woke up at 430 and though how nice it was to be in a quiet bed alone. When he did come to bed the smell was over whelming and slurring of speech comical. That being said I am in a situation where I cannot leave at this point even though he pays for nothing for me, I pay rent and everything for myself, how ever he is so kind as to buy bottles of wine for me all the time even though I drink rarely, and always coaxing me to join him. On a TV show last night we heard someone say if you drink alone alot your an alcoholic he chuckles... He really doesn't see it.
Today maybe a new low too hung over to go to work, first Ive seen this has the regression started?
And there is no way to approach it with him, hes insanely defensive and shows some narcissistic tendencies if you don't agree with him.
Ive tried approaching him with concern, that doesn't get anywhere, any other ideas? This a a fabulous forum with much wisdom.

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry, Italiungirl, but I don't have any ideas for how you can help him see the light. I can only recommend you focus on yourself and your own well-being. The only thing you can change is you. Have you been to Al-Anon?

Please post more and read as many of the threads on this forum as you can stand! There are a lot of folks here who understand where you've been and where you; their stories can really help you figure out where you're going. Sending you strength and courage!

Recovering2

I have to agree with SparkleKitty. There is really nothing you can do to make him see the problem if he doesn't see it himself. You'll learn about the 3 C's in AlAnon: we didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's not stagnant, he will get worse. You can only take care of you. What kind of life do you want for yourself? Take the focus off him, and focus on you. Read the sticky's at the top of this page, find a local AlAnon meeting, keep posting here.

NYCDoglvr

This is the crux of the matter. There is nothing you can do or say that will stop him from drinking/drugging. We're powerless over people, places and things. The only thing you can do is help yourself. I suggest Alanon, which teaches us to fix ourselves and deal with disastrous relationships. It got me through the toughest relationship of my life and helped start the life-long process of growing as a person.

italiungrl

I have a question the more they drink does their tolerance increase?.. Hes drinking again tonight, he doesn't seem to get a hangover ever, just sleeps it off ,never gets sick. The stale smell of alcohol is now nauseating to me . If he was a gem outside of the drinking It may be worth it but hes a defensive, know it all... Im not sure if alcohol has made him like this.
And why cant my dogs see this? ha They love him to death.

LexieCat

Yes, tolerance increases. It takes more alcohol to get the same effect, and at the end of my drinking I hadn't had classic hangovers in quite a while.

EnglishGarden

Are you unable to "leave the situation" because you are attached to him in the way that abused women are attached to their abusers? I am not clear from your post why you are with an alcoholic with narcissistic traits who demeans you? Or do you stay simply for practical legal reasons, a lease or something like that?

Have you done any work with a counselor? Many of us who stayed with men who were drunk, indifferent, domineering, and inflated did so because we were the perfect partners for them, having some event in our history which made us doubt our worthiness of being treated with mutual regard and respect.

If you cannot afford counseling, you would benefit from a support group, so you can begin the long process of self-examining.

We almost always look to the alcoholic to change, not realizing there is something deep within ourselves which needs to be transformed. It almost always leads back to childhood and it almost always involves shame or guilt.

If you were my dear friend or my sister or my daughter, I would be so saddened that you lie awake in the wee hours of the morning waiting for someone who resents and rejects you to come to bed.

You deserve better. And if your dogs understood, they would tell you the same.

italiungrl

I am stuck in a lease for now, I do have unrealistic expectations he may see the light, he could use a counselor, I'm good with myself, my past relationships have never involved anyone like this. But do I want to live my life having to agree with his opinion on everything, hes kind of a negative person, yet I can see him struggling with his demons even though he tries to hide it.
He said a harsh comment to me over Christmas in front of the family my 2 sons were not in the room, someone mentioned it to them, and they were non to happy, I told him this and again he tried to blame his behavior on me... So crazy.... I will probably transition out by September and just let him live his life and drink, drink drink... If I don't say anything all is fine. How sad.. Never thought I would be in a relationship with someone like this...

laurie6781

Since you say you are on the lease, please make sure you pay YOUR SHARE of the rent on time to the management. That way should he not be paying and they choose to evict you will have proof of your payments. Do not give the money to him to pay the rent.

You may be able to leave sooner. After a few months (2 or 3) of him not paying you can go to the management and request help from them in possibly getting you off the lease or them evicting him or ......................... not knowing the laws in your state for tenants it might be wise to check with an attorney to find out what steps you can take to remove yourself sooner from this situation.

Also, please read ALL the 'stickys' at the beginning of the forum and read a lot of the threads, as they will all give you help for you.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,

EnglishGarden

I understand what you are saying, italiungirl. Alcoholics have profound psychological power over their loved ones, and only someone who has experienced it understands what that is about.

I hope SR can support you while you wait for September, and I hope perhaps sooner than that you can find some emotional safety.

Those "alcoholic demons" keep a lot of innocent people leashed to a sick person who is uninterested in change or personal growth for a very long time. Alcoholics are master manipulators and even the "struggle with his demons" could be just his way of subtly coercing you into tolerating his poor treatment of you.

No matter our life experience, age, or past relationships, when we become hooked to an alcoholic, we fall into a very very deep well. And some of us never get out.

I hope you will find all the support you need. That part will be all up to you.

italiungrl

Thanks for your wisdom, The poor treatment only comes when you disagree with the AB whether drinking or not. But who wants to live on eggshells, and have to be silenced outa fear don't wanna set him off.
When someone can cause you anxiety a feeling Ive never experienced with a partner, And my sons who are 6'1 and 6'4 say we better never hear him speak to you nasty, And I don't tell them half of what goes on. Time to cut your losses. Its like planning a secret escape, knowing things are probably not going to get better.

italiungrl

Since I have had no real experience with anyone that drank ALOT and almost every day,Wondering what rock bottom is for the people that refuse to admit they have a problem? How long can they go on functioning normal? And I mean keep the job, no one really knows except the person they live with.
Im in the middle of changing Careers going into "Criminal Justice" which requires me to get a gun and carry ,now the ABF wants to take classes with me to get a permit and gun himself , somehow I think that's a major bad idea.

laurie6781

I think you are right.

Although I ended up living on the streets for the last 1 1/2 years of my alcoholism, I had my guns in a storage unit. After I found recovery, it was 3 or 4 years before my sponsor and her hubby felt it was safe for me to bring them back to my house (they had kept them at their house to save me the 'storage' money, once I was sober.)

Today many years later, being 'elderly' now, and living on alone with my dogs, I do have my guns and am licensed to carry concealed up to a 45 semi auto although I prefer my snub nose Colt python 357 (no longer made and a collector's gun now, lol)

No, he should not have access to any guns at this time, best to get a gun safe and when you return home lock your gun in the gun safe and keep the key on you, or get one that has a numerical lock and only you know the numbers.

You are correct to be concerned.

Love and hugs,