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I would love some advice...

Old 02-07-2013, 06:09 PM
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I would love some advice...

It's been two weeks of NC with aexbf.*He wrote a week ago to inquire about how a doctor appointment of mine went. It felt more obligatory than like he actually cared (he's very concerned with keeping up his nice guy/ victim image), so I deleted the email and didn't answer.

The way things stand right now is that he needs time to "get healthy", "feel better", and to "fall out of love with me", before we can be friends. But he says he definitely wants to be friends, and that he "somehow wants me in his life forever." The intimate relationship is over, purportedly because of my unwillingness to commit. However I know for a fact if I called him right now and said " I'm ready to move my kids in with you", he would NEVER want that. He blames all his drinking on my unwillingness to commit because he says it brings up his insecurities. This may indeed be true. At the same time though, he can not understand why I would never commit to an active alcoholic. He is very entrenched in his belief that if I had been more available, and more in love with him, he would have been sober a long time ago.*

I was a lot more devastated by the fact he abruptly cut me out of his life (after I told his brother that he was an alcoholic), than I was to actually lose him. I had never had anyone turn on me so suddenly like that, and with such resolve. I know many of you understand firsthand how devastating that feeling is. Not only do you lose the person himself but you lose your whole internal belief about who he ever was. I rationalized putting up with his crap for four years because I thought we had an unbreakable bond, at least in terms of a friendship, and I trusted him on some level to always be there for me as I had been there for him.*

He has a few close male friends so I know he is capable of being a friend without unleashing his self loathing on everyone in his life. But I also know he will never be able to be my friend unless he is sober. He's been pretending to try to get sober*for four years, and now has thrown me out of his life so he can pretend to both me and his brother that he is getting sober yet again. Sobriety just doesn't seem possible while he is still blaming me and not in a program.*
After my health scare, I promised my HP I would take better care of myself and not let anyone who undermines my health be a part of my life anymore. He is the number one cause of stress in my life.*

I still think about him all the time, but am not tempted to contact him anymore. For the most part, I have also let go of all the magical thinking about what could have been. I realize it was all just a sick game I was playing with myself, and I know now that I adored this guy primarily because he was my DOC. I guess the pain he never failed to deliver made me feel alive. Or, maybe I was just punishing myself for being a survivor of a family member's suicide. I keep thinking about something someone wrote on SR: "You accept the love you think you deserve."*

It really bugs me that he is still looming out there like some kind of predator, and could contact me at any minute. I have begun many letters to him trying to explain why I can never be his friend, and asking him to never contact me again, but I don't finish them because it feels so unhealthy to be spending any of my time on him. It's like I don't have one ounce of myself left to give this man. He has literally bled me dry.*

He has some antique French furniture of mine in his loft, things he could never afford to replace on his own. I don't want him to have this stuff, not because I really need it, but because I desire to reclaim everything I possibly can from him. Why should he be able to discard me, yet keep my nice things?*

I'm wondering what I should do? I don't trust myself with this situation yet. Is wanting my stuff back just an excuse to see him and/or try to hurt him? Should I wait a couple of months and then revisit the idea of getting my stuff back? Or, should I forget about the stuff and let him keep it in the spirit of compassion and forgiveness?*

Any advice you guys could give me on the healthiest and wisest way to proceed would be much appreciated.*
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:20 PM
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Forget compassion and forgiveness for the moment.

He has furniture you don't want. Why on earth go to the trouble to take it back? Unless you have a legitimate need or purpose for securing possession of this furniture, for heaven's sake let it go. So what if he has something nice that once belonged to you? YOU DON'T WANT IT. The only reasons you would be taking it back would be vindictiveness or a desire to have contact with him one more time.

Turn off the crazy-brain, OK? I know that's sometimes easier said than done, but try.
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:22 PM
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Haha.. I needed to hear that, LexieCat!!
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:25 PM
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You are right. If I truly didn't want to see him, or hurt him, I would forget about that stuff and never look back. Sometimes I lie to myself as much as he lied to me. I don't even know WTF the truth is anymore.
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:27 PM
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If you really want useless furniture I've got a bunch sitting in my basement. Please, be my guest. I may have to haul it to the dump.
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:33 PM
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Lmao
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Old 02-07-2013, 08:57 PM
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Hi Erika, if you really dont need it then let it be....I think it will only cause more hurt, and look what I did to myself this week, got myself rejected all over again bc I could not get it through my thick skull that he was over me and had a new gf......it sucks. If you are strong enough Erika, just leave it. More than likely when he misses you he will ask if you still want it. these guys are manipulators Erika, they are not genuine like us, that is the lesson I learned. My ex was keeping the door open just in case he decided he wanted to come back someday, that is why he wanted to know who let me know about him and the new girl and that is why he'd sometimes respond nicely to my texts....now he's been outed and I promise you......I will never pick up that phone again to either text him or receive any calls from him.....I hit my own personal rock bottom on Monday, I'm never talking to him again, he is dangerous to me....as a friend I'm telling you let the furniture go, leave him be...and run. Only bc I care....hugs Erika
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Old 02-07-2013, 10:07 PM
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I know you are right. But I guess I feel like if I can't take my heart back, the least I can take back is my f***ing furniture! It's expensive too. I could sell it and buy myself something nice. If I am really honest with myself, I *do want to hurt him. I'd love to slap him across the face and make a dramatic exit. Or throw a glass of vodka in his face.. Haha. I will heed your advice though because I am clearly not sane enough to make my own decisions.

I am so happy for you that you reached your rock bottom with your exabf. Did you see that thread on sociopaths vs alcoholics? It made me think of your exabf. The way he used you to help him so much with his life, and then completely shut you out in your time of need was pretty extreme. Are you feeling better?** **
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Old 02-07-2013, 11:00 PM
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My STBXAH is living in our house with all of the antiques, the piano, the 8 passenger mini van, family photos, etc.

When I go back this summer the police are going in there with me, along with a friend and moving tguy. I will whatever the lawyers have agreed I'll take. Besides the piano, there isn't going to be much to battle about and he can have the piano if need be, although it would be nice for the children to play on.

Can you get someone to call him, like a legal person or someone else professional-sounding, and set a date with him for going to his loft and packing out your antiques? Just don't get involved yourself. I don't know your A, but mine plays victim, too. So this would give him a chance to feel this is all your doing, which he might enjoy. My AH would just stay out of the house but go to the nearest neighbor with a sad face and maybe tears and get sympathy.

But to do this, you have to be clear and not have direct contact with your A. No engagement about this. Everything through a lawyer, moving company/friend.

All of this probably because I love French antiques...

(((Hugs)))
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Old 02-08-2013, 01:52 AM
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Hi Pippilngstocking..

I can imagine your STBXAH sitting all alone in a totally empty house except for the piano. It sounds like the ending to a French film..

Anyway, Seems like I just need to wait for a while in my situation. If I decide later down the line that I really and truly need the stuff, I will have a friend deal with him.*
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Old 02-08-2013, 04:47 AM
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Agree with all the above - things can be replaced, there is no price on a stress free life minus the alcoholic.

Give it a couple months. If you decide you really want it back then make arrangement but go into it with the idea that he won't give it back, and that if it becomes more trouble than its worth se la vie. Possession unfortunately is 9/10's of the law, he could use it to manipulate you and drag you down you just never know.
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Old 02-08-2013, 05:51 AM
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Personally I would arrange for my furniture to be collected and sell it if I didn't want it in my place. Mainly because once a new girlfriend moves in, you'll regret leaving it there. It's easy to be magnanimous while there's no one else involved.
But that's just my POV.
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Old 02-08-2013, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng View Post
My STBXAH is living in our house with all of the antiques, the piano, the 8 passenger mini van, family photos, etc.

When I go back this summer the police are going in there with me, along with a friend and moving tguy. I will whatever the lawyers have agreed I'll take. Besides the piano, there isn't going to be much to battle about and he can have the piano if need be, although it would be nice for the children to play on.

Can you get someone to call him, like a legal person or someone else professional-sounding, and set a date with him for going to his loft and packing out your antiques? Just don't get involved yourself. I don't know your A, but mine plays victim, too. So this would give him a chance to feel this is all your doing, which he might enjoy. My AH would just stay out of the house but go to the nearest neighbor with a sad face and maybe tears and get sympathy.

But to do this, you have to be clear and not have direct contact with your A. No engagement about this. Everything through a lawyer, moving company/friend.

All of this probably because I love French antiques...

(((Hugs)))
Funny story (well funny today anyway). I was in similar situation with STBXAH living in our big house with all the nice stuff while I was in a tiny rental. After we mostly agreed on division of the 'stuff' this summer I showed up with movers and got my half of things and now paying big buck for storage unit since no room in my rental. As soon as my 'stuff' was out he replaced it all...........new dining room set, huge desk and credenza, spare bedroom set, leather chair, pictures and more. In November he up and DIED on me (imagine the nerve.......don't get me wrong I'm still grieving but just in a weird mood this morning). NOW essentially I have TWO of everything, am still paying rent, paying for storage unit AND the mortgage on our big empty house because I'm going to sell it and don't want to move back in. If I had dragged my feet a bit on getting my stuff I wouldn't be paying to store it and left with the hassle of trying to sell all the duplicate stuff he bought one month before he died.

So maybe you want to look at it at free storage for the time being with hopes of claiming it at a later date.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:52 AM
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It's only been 2 weeks Erika. You don't need to decide about the furniture right now. Sounds like he is still blaming you for his drinking, he hasn't gotten real about any of it. You didn't Cause his drinking....so why risk listening to his crap again? I would suggest stay NC for now, give yourself a little time and space. When I went through a recovery program for family, I was taught to change the wording in a familiar phrase. "Don't just do something....Stand there!" In other words, we don't always have to take action right away on everything. Sometimes it's better to do nothing and give it time.

When you're ready, if you still want the furniture, you'll know what to do.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:52 AM
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Alanon would be a very big help, at least it was for me when I was severing a disastrous relationship. Withdrawing from your substance (a boyfriend) is very painful and Alanon offers the support and love we need to do it and deal with our own issues. My heart goes out to you ... I've been there.
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Old 02-08-2013, 06:21 PM
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Thank you for your replies, everyone. I can't tell you how much of a support SR has been to me. I'm very shy so Al Anon is harder for me. As you know, there is no cross talk allowed, so that leaves all discussion until the end of meeting at which point everyone stands around chatting as if it were a cocktail party. My social anxiety kicks in big time....I like the advice to stand still, Recovery2. Sometimes it is hard to be still through the pain. We want to do anything we can to make it stop, although usually that just ends up making everything worse.

PeacefulMe, that is quite a story! And the way you wrote it was very comedic in a black way, something I really appreciate. If you can't laugh about this stuff, what do you have left??
If you don't mind me asking, did he die of something alcoholism related? I don't know how I'd feel if my xa actually died. What a total mind f***!
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