jenns

Hi,

I've just registered here and not sure where to start. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, except for someone to tell me what to do, which I know is probably impossible!

I've been with my partner for 8 years and he is an alcoholic. We have a 2 yo son.

When we met he drank, but we were 20, and so did all of us and so I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. It has gradually got worse, and especially in the last 3 years.

I want more than anything for him to get better, but unfortunately even though sometimes he says he does too, and has stayed sober for days/weeks at a time (the most almost 3 months - he went to AA twice but now wont go back) it cycles back to chaos again and I feel like I can't cope with much more of this. I work full time, am completing a Phd and look after the house and after our son completely. I can cope with this to some extent (it is my career choice) but feel resentful, that he is supposed to be my partner and help me out and instead he does nothing, and even worse my head is consumed with our relationship/his alcohol problems.

I feel so sad. Especially for my son. I don't know if it's worse for him to grow up without his daddy, or to grow up with his daddy drinking (esentially the same I guess!)

I feel angry with him, I know it is a disease and have read lots on the internet, but it feels like he can control it when he wants to (i,e at work) so musn't care enough to control it at home. I know that his head probably doesn't work that logically, but find it hard to understand.

I feel that I should leave sometimes as I am not happy, and cant live a normal life - for example I can't agree to plans with friends as I can't know whether he will be drunk or sober to look after our son. I hope this doesn't sound trivial, but I think it is something people in a 'normal' relationship take for granted.

I feel weak, that I can't make a decision.

I feel scared that if I left I would regret it, as I love him. He is a good person, I fell in love with him all those years ago and I still do love him and am happy when he is sober, but when drunk it's like living a parallel life. I am also scared of life passing me by and regretting not leaving.

Please help, I don't know what to do anymore, I feel miserable, lonely and lost. :-(

Sorry for the huge post.

LexieCat

Hi, jenns,

You came to the right place. Nobody here will tell you whether/when to leave--that is a very personal decision.

So far as your son goes, his daddy will drink whether he is living with you or not. Living with active alcoholism can be very damaging to kids, so that is something you definitely want to consider.

I really suggest you find some Al-Anon meetings and start attending. You have all these thoughts whirling around in your head, and believe me, I know how overwhelming it all feels. Al-Anon can help you see your situation more clearly (yes, there is more to it than meets the eye), and help you to get calm and centered so you can make good decisions for your and your son's futures.

LexieCat

Let me add one other thing, so far as your husband's drinking patterns go. I am an alcoholic, four and a half years sober, myself. I was able to control my drinking to an extent, for discrete periods of time. I went through withdrawal every day at work until I could come home and drink to feel normal again.

So it isn't just that he is being inconsiderate by choosing to drink at home, rather than work. He needs to keep a job. He needs to drink. When you are addicted, sometimes drinking at home is the best you can do to get along.

lillamy

Hi Jenn,

I recognize myself in a lot of your story. I could have written it when my son was 1, 2, 5, or 11. He was an adult when I finally did leave.

Actually, if you ask the people who have grown up with alcoholic parents, growing up without a father is better than growing up with an alcoholic one. I don't have the experience of alcoholic parents, but I can tell you the effects on my children of growing up with an alcoholic father are nothing short of devastating.

I have one who dropped out of school, one who was kicked out of school, and one who is frightened of everything. They're kids who know right from wrong, who would never hurt a fly, but who can't function very well. I hope it's "at the moment" and that with therapy and time, that will change. But having an alcoholic parent is, in my eyes, worse than not having one at all.

Yup, that was me, too. I figured we'd settle down and quit partying when we got married and had kids. I did. When I was pregnant with our first, I asked him if he would consider staying sober with me throughout the pregnancy. He laughed in my face and opened another beer. I think that's when I knew. And it took another 20 years for me to get out.

Absodamnlutely should you be able to count on your partner and co-parent to be able to care for his child. Unfortunately, I can relate to this, too: I voluntarily turned down a promotion because it involved travel, which I knew was out of the question with my AXH being unable to care for the children after 7 pm every night because he was passed out drunk.

I struggled with that question too. A lot. For years. And even after I left. One thing my counselor said to me that really helped was when she explained to me that I didn't have any responsiblity for him. That I wasn't his mother, and even if I had been his mother, he was now an adult who was responsible for himself. And that (and here's the part that stuck with me) I had an absolute right to leave him and take the children out of a dysfunctional, pathological environment.

For all those years, I didn't think I had a right to leave. I thought I was responsible for caring for him because I had married him. For better for worse, right? A pastor friend told me it was between me and God, but that in his eyes, when a husband and father falls prey to addiction, and chooses that over his family (for whatever reason), you have the right to leave.

But it wasn't until someone witnessed how AXH treated me and the children when he thought nobody was watching, and told me "you don't have to live like this" that I believed it.

I agree that finding an Al-Anon group is a really good first step. Nobody there will have a ready-made solution for you (just as we don't here), but they will share with you the tools they have used to handle a life that is or has been affected by alcoholism. And they will understand.

I also hope you will stay here, read, and post. You might find SR more straightforward and less gentle than Al-Anon, but the combination of the two saved my life.

Momzo

Hi jenn! Welcome! You are in the perfect place 😄 please keep reading the posts...they helped me and will help you. Hugs to you sweetie, we are here for you.

Jennie

redatlanta

Hi Jenn and welcome to the forum - so sorry for the reasons you are here.

Living as a prisoner to someone else's addiction is simply no way to live.

Read and post often there is much knowledge and support here. AL Anon will be life changing for you and will help you make the decisions you need to make - the ones that are right for you and your son.

allysen

Hi Jenns. I've been a member of SR for several months now. If you read some of my older posts, you'll see our stories are very very similar. I currently have a 3-yr old son and a 3-month old daughter. I have felt everything you have. At first, I decided to stay. Then, I decided to leave. Its okay to make a decision and then change it later. My decisions were right for me at the time I made them. Its also okay to love someone and feel like strangling them too! I agree with others who suggested Al-Anon - it really helped me keep things in perspective and make good choices for myself.

Wavy

Your story could almost exactly be my story, although thankfully I don't have any children yet, despite wanting them desperately for many many years. I too am scared that if I left I would regret it, but neither you nor I need to make the decision to leave until we are ready to make it, its OK to not know while you are trying to work out what to do. You are not weak because you can't make that decision, you are just not ready yet and that is OK.

I've only been going to Al-Anon for the last month or so and its helped enormously, so I repeat the suggestions for Al-Anon. Its very supportive, no one will judge you and you will realize that all the emotions and confusion you are feeling is understandable and has been felt, and overcome, by many of the people there.

I grew up with an active alcoholic parent and its not fun. You said that him not having his Dad there and his Dad being there but being drunk were effectively the same thing. I can tell you its not. When a parent is around a child drunk its scary for the child, they don't know who this person that looks like their Mummy or Daddy is but is acting all weird and unpredictable and upsetting their other parent. Its teasing because the parent is there, but not really there and the child cant understand why they can't get at their real parent. How ever much you feel he doesn't care enough to stay sober at home, multiply that by 100 to see how confusing it is for a child to feel they don't matter enough for their parent not to drink.

Obviously you need to make whatever choice is right for you, your son and your family and that might mean going, it might mean staying, I just wanted to let you know from the perspective of someone whos been there that them being drunk and being absent do not have the same effect in the long run.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you since I've been in your place. It may help to know more about the disease of alcoholism. As you've experienced it is progressive and will continue getting worse. Denial and rationalization are part of the alcoholism (and codependency). He's a nice guy and an alcoholic and all the love in the world won't change that. There is nothing you can do or say that will keep him from drinking, it is his higher power, God, big love of his life, which is true of all alcoholics.

You do, however, have the power to change your own life and that of your child. So many of us have gotten help by going to Alanon, a 12-Step program that's free and helps us deal with alcoholics. You and your child deserve so much more and you can have it. Personally I think it's disastrous to raise a child in the destructive atmosphere of alcoholism. I'm glad you've come here, there is a great deal of experience, information and support.

jenns

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your kind messages - I will reply to you properly as soon as I get a chance, just to say it means a lot to me to read this and realise there are other people out there who understand after feeling so alone for such a long time x

jenns

I'm sorry for not replying sooner. Thanks all for the comments, I have been reading some of your stories and other posts, and realise there are a lot of people going through the same chaos and up-and-down emotions as myself. I am (predictably) in the same situation I was when I first posted - I procrastinate on the decision to stay or go endlessly, and I hate myself for this!
My little boy turned two last week. He pointed at a beer can in the road today and said "Daddys" - made me feel so sad :-(
One thing I have found is that in the week/s etc that my partner is sober I feel more or less okay again - well I feel happy spending time with him and we do 'normal' things with family/friends etc and I can almost convince myself and others around me that all is ok - It's not that I forget what it was like, and I certainly realise it's going to get bad again each time - but for some reason I just carry on. I suppose it is easier that way. Then I think, we can make it work. and then it all inevitably turns round again, and I feel desperate and lost again (like tonight, and like last time I posted). I Think my head knows the answer but my heart doesn't want to listen :-(
I was thinking of trying to go to al anon, but have trouble because I am either at work or have my little boy. I may try and take an hour off work next week, and go along.
Can I ask a question - for those of you who left an alcoholic, did you regret it? Or did you feel relief? I know I am the only one who can decide, it's just good to hear from others who were faced with the same dilema. Right now I feel heartbroken, because even though I despise my partner and his drinking, I also love him and he is my best friend underneath all that. I can't imagine not being with him :-( But it seems like it is heading that way. I jsut can't believe it.
Also - a selfish reason, but I find it hard to abandon the hope of some things that would be happening if our relationship was normal - for instance I would love to have a sibling for my little boy - and I sometimes think, oh I could just stay and carry on living like that and pretend all is okay.... stupid me. We were mean to get married this summer. I 'postponed' it indefinately - I said it was because of money and stress from other things (I am completeing my PHd and just started a new job) but I know if it had been 'right' I would have got through the stress. :-((((

Sorry for mega-post. Thoughts out loud. Hope you are all feeling okay this evening. THanks once again for the support x x

dollydo

I am a child of an alcoholic, based on this and living in a home where addiction was present I had a 50% chance as an adult to either become an alcoholic myself or marry one, I married two. My brother married one, neither of us have alcohol or drug problems, but we both have suffered, we carried our childhood into adulthood. People who have addiction issues make lousy parents.

I can't tell you what to do, however, I would suggest that you put your child first. Read the stickeys and cynical one's blogs. Also, do some reading about children who were raised in a home where addiction was present...lots of information on the net.

Your sons comment speaks volumes, he hears and sees everything.

Rosiepetal

Sorry for the way you're feeling.
Your relationship is not a healthy one.
I remember the "not going out in fear ABF would get drunk & embarass me" feeling.
In my opinion it is better for your child to have one healthy parent than to live with an alcoholic father.
Your partner will need to reach the stage himself where he is prepared to work for his sobriety.
You can't force him to do it but you can focus on yourself & your child & build a healthy life for both of you.
Hugs to you, I know it's hard.

dandylion

Dear jenns, so many find it hard to let go of living in the fantasy of the "potential" of the relationship---in favor of accepting the reality of what the relationship truly is.

It is helpful to understand that alcoholism is a progressive condition that becomes worse over time rather than "better".

Alanon would be a good place to meet others, face-to-face, who have stayed and those who have left. You would also recieve lots of support from others who understand like few others can.

You are right to be sad for your son--living with addiction is damaging to children. They are like little sponges--absorbing everything and every vibe in their environment. You sound like a caring parent. Remember, the best way to care for y our son is to ensure that he has at least one stable HAPPY parent to nurture him.

Remember, that it is normal to be afraid of the future. The best way to deal with those fears is to face them. You will find that you are stronger than you ever imagined.

sincerely, dandylion

cr995

Jenns I thought the same way you did and I waited around for a very long time - over 20 years. It never did get any better but it did get worse. If I had left earlier I would not have been so damaged, my children would not have been so damaged. My recovery would have been swifter and maybe my alcoholic husband would not have been able to keep drinking as easily without me to enable him.

I heard this story from a man tonight whose wife is an alcoholic. He put on a video for his kids to watch and it was of a time when Alcoholic mum had not really started drinking yet and passing out every evening on the couch. In the video she is sitting on the floor playing with the kids. The older child then says to the younger kids - "can you remember when mummy was like that?". They did not - the oldest child was the only one that could remember her sober.

Finally I have a son who is now 20 and is showing behaviours very similar to his alcoholic dad - well that was the role model I exposed him to.

I was in denial - I wanted to have the "perfect family" , but my wanting it didn't make it so , even when my daughter told me she would rather come from a broken home than live in it .

mdkathy62

Good morning jenns,

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for joining SR. This is definitely a step in a positive direction. First, please don't feel weak. Alcoholism has this weird way of making everyone affected by it feel weak and I, too, felt that many times. There were many times I found myself laying in bed for days, crying, depressed, and not wanting anything more than my XABF to be present, to "get it". The best thing SR and Al-Anon ever did for me was to rejuvenate me with confidence and courage. SR and Al-Anon reminded me that I am in charge of what happens in my life, not the alcoholic. I gave my XABF so many chances and constantly convinced myself that this would be it, he would definitely change this time.

I can only suggest to keep coming to SR and give Al-Anon a try. I was hesitant at first with Al-Anon. I thought, great, these people are going to tell me to leave the person I love. They don't know anything about him, etc. But they didn't do that. They just told me their story and after sometime, I was able to make a decision on my own. Whenever you start to feel weak, hopeless, or helpless, please come to read SR. That is what saved me. Take care.

Tuffgirl

Honestly, I felt both. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes one or the other. But the one thing I felt that always rose to the top at the end of the day was the absolute responsibility as a Mother to protect my children.

When my kids (both teenagers) came to me and told me they were feeling incredible amounts of stress living the way we were, the decision was made right then. 18 months of roller-coaster sobriety later...he decided we needed to divorce because I "wouldn't live with him again. EVER." *sigh* I gave up completely at that point - even sober, the logic was beyond my comprehension, and the idea of subjecting my kids to more inconsistency was not something I could even entertain (see paragraph above).

I am relieved now, as are my kids. We weren't really aware of the level of anxiety and chaos that was our lives until we were away from it for a while. Completely away from it - as in no contact, period. We can look back now and feel relieved, but at the time, it was a gut-wrenching thing to go through. One of the biggest disappointments in my life so far. But I'd rather live with this disappointment then the regret of staying in a dysfunctional situation and modeling behaviors for my kids that are unhealthy and self-defeating. We all deserve better than that.

Today - life is good. The three of us went back to being our own little family. I haven't spoken to the ex in many months. My kids are moving past it - although it does come up occasionally, and I've come to realize just how disappointed they are, too. Luckily for me, the ex and I didn't have children together so I have no added worries or concerns about my kids being in the care of an alcoholic. I think that makes it easier for me in many ways.

I guess the bottom line is when it was time to act, I knew what to do. There wasn't any "should I stay or go?" going through my head. Instinct to protect my kids kicked in and it propelled me into action. When I decided to let the divorce happen, I knew it was time to give up. Instinct kicked in and I saw my life 5, 10, 25 years from now, doing the same damn thing, and it was terrifying! Trust your instincts. Listen to the voices of reason in your head. Pay attention to your body's physical responses to things. And when your time is right to act, trust that you will just know.

jenns

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me, It is amazing to know people understand what I am feeling - I have one good friend who knows the truth (she guessed - her mother is an alcoholic - figures!) but don't talk to anybody else about it :-( I feel very alone, but this site has helped so much already since I've found it.

You all sounds so strong, and it gives me some hope. I am so sad about the way things are, but I know nothing is going to change unless I change something. My son is the most important thing, like some of you have pointed out, I need to put my love and energy into him instead. I am finishing my phd in 5 weeks, and until that time can't fathom any more stress to deal with (also working full time), I'm not going to let my partner ruin that for me. But I am seriously thinking, after reading these replies, that I might look into moving after this. It has to be better than this.

He has just got back, I heard his truck outside. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't come back some evenings, so that it could be peaceful. I guess that says it all :-(

I am going away this weekend at least, (with my son) to see my mum. Will be a nice break .

Thanks once again, I will keep coming back here. x

bananapancakes

Hi Jenns. I just want to say that my AH is my best friend also (when sober). I am very emotionally attached to him and used to be unable to believe he could continue to drink if he truly loved me. But he continued to drink despite my pleading. The last two years he had been mostly drunk in the evenings after work. I would also find beer bottles hidden everywhere. I finally came to a realization that I couldn't make him stop. That my love for him wasn't enough to make the madness stop. That I should't have to feel anxiety every day coming home from work. I did then what was best for ME and my mental health. I asked him to move out last month. Do I regret the decision? I feel guilty at times but a therapist is helping me get through that. Mostly though I feel peace. I haven't felt peace in a long time. I'm still married to him, I still care about him, and I still hope he recovers. But I don't have to live with him while hes battling his addiction. I can't help him- I can only take care of myself.

You can't help him. You can only take care of yourself and your son.

Hope my story helps. SR has been a great community for me when I'm feeling alone. ::HUGS::