I don't have to do this anymore, do I
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I don't have to do this anymore, do I
STBXAH is due to arrive in 9 days. My lawyer is drawing up my papers, requesting an immediate legal separation, with no contact and a certain pension - the works.
In the meantime, i am going an a massive roller coaster ride and I just realized something. Last time he visited was Christmas and I played my usual role as holiday coordinator. It was a nightmare as he - and the children - kept putting in demands for what they wanted to do, with whom, what rendez vous points - ugh
And AH sent a million emails complaining about everything. He didn't like the bowling, the skiing was too expensive, the children were late...
Why did I have to hustle to get everyone to go meet him and please him anyway? It's all a big farce, anyway. Let's have fun skiing in the middle of a family mess where Dad is a turning into an alcoholic wreck and Mom is falling apart trying to make everyone have fun while we all know the family is in utter turmoil?
The thing is, he has decided he is going to plant himself here every time the children have vacation. My friends are away here on their own family vacations and all I want is to pick up the kids and go someplace where we can escape and relax and have fun together. With AH jet-lagged, hands shaking, terribly pale and acting like nothing has happened while demanding I make his time with the children fun, this is no kind of vacation.
So I am going to quit. No more family-fun coordinator. My AH can go meet with a couple of counsellors at the center for families in traumatic situations that I have been referred to. He can arrange something to do and if the children want to join him I will get them there and be on hand in case of trouble. And when he leaves I will take the kids someplace great. And try to keep under wraps my elation that's he's gone.
In the meantime, i am going an a massive roller coaster ride and I just realized something. Last time he visited was Christmas and I played my usual role as holiday coordinator. It was a nightmare as he - and the children - kept putting in demands for what they wanted to do, with whom, what rendez vous points - ugh
And AH sent a million emails complaining about everything. He didn't like the bowling, the skiing was too expensive, the children were late...Why did I have to hustle to get everyone to go meet him and please him anyway? It's all a big farce, anyway. Let's have fun skiing in the middle of a family mess where Dad is a turning into an alcoholic wreck and Mom is falling apart trying to make everyone have fun while we all know the family is in utter turmoil?
The thing is, he has decided he is going to plant himself here every time the children have vacation. My friends are away here on their own family vacations and all I want is to pick up the kids and go someplace where we can escape and relax and have fun together. With AH jet-lagged, hands shaking, terribly pale and acting like nothing has happened while demanding I make his time with the children fun, this is no kind of vacation.
So I am going to quit. No more family-fun coordinator. My AH can go meet with a couple of counsellors at the center for families in traumatic situations that I have been referred to. He can arrange something to do and if the children want to join him I will get them there and be on hand in case of trouble. And when he leaves I will take the kids someplace great. And try to keep under wraps my elation that's he's gone.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Congrats to you Pippi!
I can hear the strength in your post ~ I believe you are so correct ~ as a mom it is your responsibility to protect your children, not be the coordinator for Dad ~
Sounds like you have a great plan ~ keep taking good care of you & your children. Allowing their Dad the opportunity to find his own way to be the dad he choses to be ~
prayers & good thoughts for the best for all ~
pink hugs!
I can hear the strength in your post ~ I believe you are so correct ~ as a mom it is your responsibility to protect your children, not be the coordinator for Dad ~
Sounds like you have a great plan ~ keep taking good care of you & your children. Allowing their Dad the opportunity to find his own way to be the dad he choses to be ~
prayers & good thoughts for the best for all ~
pink hugs!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like a great plan. Seriously--very workable.
Keep in mind that you will still feel stress, especially the first time you put it into action. But each time it will become less stressful, I'm betting.
Keep in mind that you will still feel stress, especially the first time you put it into action. But each time it will become less stressful, I'm betting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
This is a great move, Pippi. I imagine your kids had some real level of tension about past vacations, anyway, even if they didn't express it. Now you all get to think about what you do and don't want to do, and make a choice.
It has been so many individual steps for me since I left my STBXAH in July. At some points, my feelings had progressed about the divorce, but I still found myself unthinkingly doing - or considering - old behavior. My AH texted me from the hospital recently with serious complications from the terrible flu that's going around. He wanted a ride home.
Well, thank God, I'm an hour and a half away now, and I didn't just go. But the impulse was there. I had taken care of him and his medical issues for years, and, as it would with anyone I know who is in the hospital, my kneejerk reaction was, oh yes, I'll pick him up, and make some chicken soup to boot.
I didn't. And within two days, he was through with his "sweet" phase, and back into e-mailing me threats about what would happen to me if I didn't do what he wants in the divorce. And I knew, yet again, why I left, and why he wasn't my problem anymore. I did get AH the name of the kidney doctor he'd seen a couple of years ago and couldn't remember. That seemed like a reasonable action that could help him without getting me enmeshed. And I do feel better knowing that someone else - professional - will be monitoring his health. I don't wish him ill - - I just don't want to be the one who has to get him better!
Someone said to me, "dawn rises on Marblehead" (it's a seaside town here in New England, don't know if this is just a regional expression). Yep. It's okay - often it's necessary - to change our roles and our behaviors.
When I reflect on my recent situation, I was kind of like Roadrunner, pedaling fast but running off the cliff without realizing it. The whole landscape has changed, and taking care of my STBXAH is not longer normal ground for me. I can stay on my own path now.
Good for you!
ShootingStar1
It has been so many individual steps for me since I left my STBXAH in July. At some points, my feelings had progressed about the divorce, but I still found myself unthinkingly doing - or considering - old behavior. My AH texted me from the hospital recently with serious complications from the terrible flu that's going around. He wanted a ride home.
Well, thank God, I'm an hour and a half away now, and I didn't just go. But the impulse was there. I had taken care of him and his medical issues for years, and, as it would with anyone I know who is in the hospital, my kneejerk reaction was, oh yes, I'll pick him up, and make some chicken soup to boot.
I didn't. And within two days, he was through with his "sweet" phase, and back into e-mailing me threats about what would happen to me if I didn't do what he wants in the divorce. And I knew, yet again, why I left, and why he wasn't my problem anymore. I did get AH the name of the kidney doctor he'd seen a couple of years ago and couldn't remember. That seemed like a reasonable action that could help him without getting me enmeshed. And I do feel better knowing that someone else - professional - will be monitoring his health. I don't wish him ill - - I just don't want to be the one who has to get him better!
Someone said to me, "dawn rises on Marblehead" (it's a seaside town here in New England, don't know if this is just a regional expression). Yep. It's okay - often it's necessary - to change our roles and our behaviors.
When I reflect on my recent situation, I was kind of like Roadrunner, pedaling fast but running off the cliff without realizing it. The whole landscape has changed, and taking care of my STBXAH is not longer normal ground for me. I can stay on my own path now.
Good for you!
ShootingStar1
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