yorkshire

Good morning,

The things you all said to me these past few days about being attracted to an addict really resonated with me and I did some looking around online..I realized that I have had a pattern of being attracted to unavailable guys, and I have in fact run away from guys that have been interested in me. Its like the more unavailable the guy is , either physically ( I once had an emotional affair with a married man that lasted 5 years) or emotionally ( my ex husband and I were married 15 years, it was fifteen years of constant disappointment), the more I find myself not able to let go. My last friendship/ relationship with the recovering alcoholic was a perfect example. He told me, and showed me he couldn't handle something deeper and I just let myself get further and further involved....( thinking he needed me, I could save him etc etc)

Whats the difference between CoDA and AlAnon? ( except the alcohol/ addiction part?)

Thank you all again.

MeetJohnDoe

Sounds like you've come to an important realization about yourself. Believe me it is hard to confront our own motives. Sorry I cannot tell you about CoDA or AlAnon. No direct experience with either. But as a fellow human, it sounds like you are half way there. Your next biggest choice is to choose happiness, accept our inherent limitations, and create something beautiful with someone who will genuinely return your love. I wish you well, Yorkshire.

LexieCat

I have direct experience only with Al-Anon, which is for friends and family whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. I BELIEVE that CoDA is more for people who have the kinds of issues you are talking about--where the behavior isn't a reaction to living with someone else's drinking. I'm sure someone here who has more familiarity could tell you more about CoDA. Not everyone affected by someone else's alcoholism is what I would consider to be co-dependent, although at various times we exhibit some of the same behaviors. I sort of think of someone who is co-dependent as someone who exhibits those characteristics in relationships not affected by drugs or alcohol. In other words, the universe of co-dependents might include a lot of people in Al-Anon, but also others.

I've never cared for the word co-dependent when it is strictly applied to the results of living with alcoholism and addiction. You still have to address unhealthy behaviors and attitudes, but they don't seem to be quite as deeply ingrained.

I hope that doesn't come off as sounding superior, as if I think I'm "better" than someone who is co-dependent. To me, though, it's slightly different. Neither better nor worse, just different.

Joe Nerv

I'm sure the differences between the 2 vary from meeting to meeting, state to state, etc. My experience with both many years ago were that alanon was made up of mostly people who had significant others (or close family members) that were alcoholic. Coda was made up of people who couldn't seem to get into relationships without getting into big trouble. While I identified more at the Coda meetings than Alanon, I also got a very strong sense that the people at Coda were clueless, and had no plan as to how to actually heal, or get better. This was very early in the days of Coda (like 25 years ago) so I'm sure if it's survived, it's changed. Back then though it seemed people were getting together to share their misery, and figure out how to NOT be in a relationship. I didn't see anybody learning to successfully BE in a relationship. They also had a lot of other stuff happening that I thought was completely against the idea of recovery - like reading through a long list of characteristics of codependents at every meeting - which to me seemed like a lot of negative affirmation and reinforcement. I also didn't identify with a lot of what was on that list. Anyhow, Alanon was based on the 12 steps, and I got a sense that the people were more grounded.

Would actually like to attend a coda meeting again to see what's changed. Or not.

I'd suggest giving both a go, and going to a few different meetings, a few times each. It shouldn't take long to see which meeting has more people who have what it is you're looking for.