Playing "games"
 

AH is still not speaking to me unless spoken to. He leaves the room, house without a word and doesn't contact me. Is it playing "games" if I respond in kind? Is that not al anon behavior?

Al Anon says "let it begin with me" - but does speaking to him and acting normal prove to the alcoholic that their behavior has no consequences?

This is where the program confuses me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Avoiding him and ignoring him back seems easier and less painful, but not sure if that is me "running away" from the problem.

Thanks for your help.

No, ignoring the silent treatment isn't showing him that it has no consequences. It isn't your job to CREATE consequences for him.

Ignoring the behavior is simply not getting sucked into it. If you must speak to him (e.g., "I'm going out for the day, be back at five.") then do it. If you don't need to speak to him, don't. Why aggravate yourself?

I know it feels like something has to HAPPEN. It doesn't. When and if he chooses to talk, he will talk. Until then, you can just carry on.

It doesn't feel natural, but that's because it's new behavior. Just stick with it. It will become more natural.

Thank you...you're right, it doesn't feel natural. I felt guilty for feeling like I was "being like him" and would have cause for blame, but I see how it protects me from aggravation and further insult to injury. Thank you for the reminder that new behavior doesn't feel natural.

My AH is the master of the silent treatment and he admits it's part of his 'punishment' of me. I speak to him when I need to when he gets like that. Like, "hey, I'm going to the store, do you half and half?" Or, "hey, I need a ride to the shop because I need an oil change, can you help or should I find a ride?"

We can usually communicate on that basic level, and really, when he's down like that and pouting, I don't want to go any further in conversation than that anyway. I find meetings, call my sponsor, walk the dog, take my 14 year old to walk the mall and window shop, etc. I just get on with life and let him come around in his own time.

So, to answer your question: just keep doing what you're doing. You're not proving that there are no consequences. His path is set before him by his higher power and we don't have control over that. Living your life isn't putting consequences upon him. There's nothing wrong with being distant for a short period of time. In alcoholic relationships there is no true NORMAL. I just re-read what i wrote and I'm not sure it makes sense but I hope it made a little sense, LOL!

liztola, yes you made complete sense. I was told today by my sponsor that he is "punishing" me (for not picking up his multiple phone calls on Friday night, which started only after I had left to go out with my program friends for dinner and a play). He called me repeatedly after we spoke on my way there, as he was demanding to know where all our money had gone.

Anyway, supposedly this is also a control thing? I leave to go have fun and he's not having it, so he calls me and calls me to somehow regain control.

Just let him roll along and carry on with your life. Nothing you can do and if you try you'll just get sucked into his game. Don;t play.

I do believe it's a control thing with him. He wasn't happy with you not answering his calls, so now he's going to upset you. Best thing you can do is ignore it...that's the last thing he wants. He wants to get your attention...don't give it to him. You don't have to get sucked in to childish behavior or communication. Go to AlAnon,talk to your sponsor, stay calm, and live your life.

There's a great saying I heard in AlAnon. You know the old saying "Don't just stand there, do something?" Well in AlAnon I heard, "Don't just do something, stand there!" Meaning we don't always have to do something, we don't have to react to everything. It's okay to do nothing when faced with a problem, take the time to figure out what feels right for you.

IMO the best thing to do is to ignore the person when they are pouting and giving the silent treatment. Think back to when you were a child; the silent treatment was only fun/satisfying when it bothered the other person. He wants you to go out of your way to get him to talk, he wants you to beg him to forgive him and to please talk to him.

When I would get the silent treatment I would enjoy the peace. It was nice to be able to hear myself think and not have to listen to the addict go on and on about themselves. Luckily, I don't have to deal with that anymore.

Keep working on you. Maybe after him giving you the silent treatment long enough you will notice that you could be happy on your own. It's weird how much you can come to realize in a week or two of not hearing the constant background noise and quacking of the A.

My boss showed me this along time ago - when he was angry with someone (whether justified or not) he would act as if they didn't exist. It would drive people crazy! We talked abut it one time and he said it was the most effective way (in his opinion) to punish and change behavior.

Boy was he right! My co-workers would lick the bottom of his shoes if that is what it took to get him to talk to them again.

IMO sometimes the silent treatment can be ones way of settling high emotion. If it continues beyond a couple of hours or so then its just a manipulation to get YOU to do something they want you to do.

Ignore him and continue status quo (speaking normally) even if he doesn't respond. At least things are peaceful in your house.

One of my favorite sayings in recovery is "If you want something different, DO something different"
great words of wisdom given here ~
I agree - go and do something different - live your life Happy Joyous and Free ~ do your best to not allow his attempted manipulation to bother you

Sounds like you are doing a great job at it!!

prayers & good thoughts that your life continues to get better everyday!

pink hugs!

Dear Newby

My separated at birth sister, I feel your pain. My husband isn’t an alcoholic but he has a ‘passive aggressive’ personality, which is something I had never heard of until a few people here pointed it out to me and I googled it. When he is angry with me he doesn’t speak to me, doesn’t look at me, just treats me as though I don’t exist, sleeps in the spare room and won’t even eat or drink anything I make!! It’s his way of dealing with it, or his way of being in control of me, bit of both may be.

His sulking spells usually last for 3 days, when we first lived together it used to drive me mad, I would do anything and everything to get him to speak to me, I’d apologise even though it wasn’t always my fault, I’d send him texts, emails, write him notes, try and talk to him, make him lovely meals that he wouldn’t touch. Silly me! Luckily we don’t have many fall outs. The last time I drank, last August, he didn’t speak to me for over 5 weeks ( though I probably did deserve it then, but not for nearly 6 weeks).

I’ve learnt over the years, to let him get on with it, I just treat him as though he is a sulky child and don’t let him see that it’s bothering me. I will say hello to him when I get in and goodbye when I’m going out, but don’t attempt to make conversation with him, just the basics that only require a yes or no. I won’t cook anything for him, therefore I don’t give him the satisfaction of leaving it and I carry on just as normal, going to work, visiting my family, going for walks etc. He gets over these sulks far quicker now that I let him see that life will go on with or without him.

We are actually fine together at this moment in time, or should I say until next time I upset him!!

Hope i've been some help, stay strong and try not to let it get you down too much.
Lots of love.

Yes - trying to do something different! We spoke today - kind of had to, he was offered a new job in a different town a couple hours away (I knew about the interview, etc. so despite all this I asked him what was going on when I hadn't heard). Apparently we are moving (again) in a couple months. I like our little place here and I'm not psyched to move, but he will be travelling for work and I will be able to visit when I can.

This is such a great reminder - that it is okay to do nothing until we figure out what is right for us. I am so used to "reacting" that I do not know how to act. Taking time out helps me do that.

Good question. I think the quote refers to taking responsibility for our beliefs, feelings and actions instead of what the alcoholic says or does. Acting out in codie behavior hurts us because we get sucked into the drama and too often enable the alcoholic. Your husband is manipulating him .... try ignoring this childish behavior instead of enabling it.