JansSushiBar

The Al-Anon meeting that I'd planned to attend is this evening at 7:30, and I'm worried how my AH will take the news that I'm going. He seems to think because I'm not talking to him about his drinking (totally pointless) that I believe he's "getting a handle" on it when he's really just decided to hide it from me.

He doesn't understand that it doesn't matter how much he's drinking; if he's still drinking - and trying to hide it - then he doesn't have a handle on anything. And if I point that out to him, he will get angry and we'll end up in one of those long, pointless arguments that will become all about me and my faults.

I hate this so much.

SparkleKitty

Congratulations on going to your first meeting. Please try to remember that this is for you and not for him and how he feels about it isn't your problem. Yes, I understand that he will try to make it your problem, but it isn't. Just like whether or not he has a handle on things isn't your problem. I hope tonight is a step towards your own recovery, and perhaps yours will inspire him to seek his own. But you might have to lead by example, and let go of the outcome if you can.

Good luck to you!

m1k3

Jan, let him think what he wants. If he is accepting your going to Alanon take advantage of it.

Your friend,

Florence

My thoughts: You don't need his permission or approval to attend a support group. If he can't handle it, you're free to keep it private (not secret, PRIVATE). You also don't have to submit yourself to hours of endless, circular arguments with a drunk. What he thinks about what you think is way down your list of concerns right now.

Al-Anon will help you figure out how to set boundaries around what you will and won't tolerate in your home. Hang out on these forums, too. Even if you do go and come home to a tirade about everything that's your fault, you don't have to listen to, endure, or believe it.

JansSushiBar

That's just it - now that it's come down to the wire, I'm afraid to tell him, because he won't accept it. It could get very ugly when I tell him I'm going, and I just don't know if I have it in me to deal with that right now. I know it sounds like an excuse, and a lame one at that, but it's the truth.

m1k3

Ahhhh, I see. I thought you were saying as long as you weren't talking about him he didn't care if you went.

In that case I second what Florence said.

Your friend,

dollydo

Tell him your going, walk out the door and go to the meeting. You are an adult, you do not need his permission, if he angry, so be it. Just ignore him.

Recovering2

I agree, you don't need his permission or approval. This is for you. I personally wouldn't make an issue of it. Get ready, and when you're heading out (if he's around) just tell him you'll be back in about an hour...you have a meeting. Then start the car and leave. Don't respond to anything he may say as you're leaving....just leave. If he's angry when you get home, don't engage (I know...easier said than done). He has the right to decide about whether he drinks or not, and you have the right to decide if you attend AlAnon or not.

I'm really happy you're taking that first step to attend a meeting. That very first meeting is the hardest, takes a lot of courage to walk into that room when there are so many obstacles. You will walk out with new support and allies.

LexieCat

You can also explain that people whose partners are in recovery go to Al-Anon. It isn't something you only go to if your partner is drinking. It's a place for you to focus on YOU, not on him or anything that's his business.

That's if you feel the need to explain anything.

Maylie

Look at it this way, if he wanted to go get alcohol would he not go because he is worried about how you react? No. He does whatever he wants to feed his addiction.

So if he doesn't worry about your reaction, why should you worry about his? Do what he does, get up and just go. You don't owe him an explanation and you def. don't need his permission. Sure, it would be nice if he supported your going, but alot of things would be nice when living with an addict so we need to learn to do what we need to do for ourselves.

Of course, if there is a chance he could get violent when you leave, call the police. After the police get there, go to the meeting anyway If we stand up for ourselves, we will find that we control our lives, not the addict.

hugs. I hope you make it to your meeting

inpieces314

WALK AWAY!!!!
I did that once this morning. It worked. He looked at me like, "whaaa?"
Then we got into an argument.
I am a work in progress. I am proud I could walk away once.

OnlyOneProblem

Very recently I told my AH that I was going to Al-Anon meetings. I was hesitant to tell him, but I wanted to be honest. He knows how I feel about his drinking and all the drama in our life. I was very seriously considering "moving on". When I told him I was going to Al-Anon meetings, I explained that I was going to the meetings to learn what I needed to do to help me learn how to be happy in this relationship. I think he was happy just to hear that it wasn't going to be a meeting about him quitting.

Getting to the first meeting is the hardest part. The reward is great. This is about you! If you didn't get there tonight, there will be another meeting soon. Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes a new perspective is all we need.