italiungrl

I have been living with anxiety something I am not used to because of my BF who I believe is an alcoholic( a high functioning one at that) but still a Alcoholic.
Im also wondering if it goes with the disease, defensiveness about everything,
If I ask a question its a attack on him he thinks. Who knows maybe that's a separate PD he has.
I need someone to define Alcoholic to me..
Or let me describe him,
Hes a Professional Application Developer for a Major Company able to function every day go to work, even though hes been up drinking till 4 AM. Never goes out to drink , tells me Im lucky he stays at home( I don't feel lucky) Drinks lite Beer but can drink anywhere from 6-10 a night plus shots. Then he will take a 2 day break and do it all again. On those 2 days hes irritable and I walk around knowing I cant say a word or it will start a argument that of course I always start he claims.
He comes from a religious family, where he has told me his parents don't approve of drinking because no good comes from it. ( Smart Folks) So they don't know, also that we live together.. He is in late 40's.
I have brought it up to him , he doesn't have a problem, cant a guy have a few beers in his own place, after all its not like hes going out to bars.
I am not a drinker nor ever have been, I had no idea he drank this much before I moved in with him. He says all the time I'm gonna cut back and then comes home with a case of beer and a couple bottles, the bottles have lasted 2 weeks. So by clinical standards is he ?
Thanks for any input.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This is a wonderful resource of information and support. Stick around and make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed.

I don't know that it matters how we choose to define alcoholic. What does matter, for you, is how his behavior is affecting you. Labeling his *problem* doesn't make it go away, or make him better. Labeling may give you a word to use, but I found using the term *problem with alcohol* works just as well. The end result is the same:

The behavior of your partner is affecting you and your relationship.

If we remove the drinking, his actions are those of someone who is argumentative, blame-shifting, and not taking responsibilty for his actions. Are those acceptable qualities to you?

If you listen to his words, he is telling you that this is who he is. You can believe him. This is who he is.

If you look at his actions, he has no intention of changing who he is. He is waiting for you to accept him just as he is today.

The three C's of his alcoholism:

You did not CAUSE it
You can not CONTROL it
You will not CURE it

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR! None of us can tell you if your BF is an alcoholic or not. But you will find lots of resources, stories, definitions, and experiences here that you may be able to relate to and come up with your own conclusions. Pelican offers some good stuff above. And read our stickies at the top of the home page here.

Keep coming back!
~T

marie1960

I don't know if he is an alkie or not.

What I do know from your post, is that his drinking is causing you anxiety. His drinking is beginning to take a toll on your relationship. Perhaps, you are realizing he is not the person you thought he was. That is why we have a dating period. It gives us a chance to really get to know someone. So knowing what you know now, exactly how are you feeling about continuing in this relationship ?

This is only the tip of the iceberg................. If he is addicted your life is about to spiral out of control......

I can only suggest you educate yourself about addiction, best to know the facts before you get in any deeper.

Personally I will never be involved with an addict again, active or recovering. It's not only physically and mentally unhealthy for me, addiction tried to rob me of my life. Addiction held me hostage. I was held hostage in a very dark, cold, and lonely situation.

There are so many men without this kind of baggage, I would go in search of a worthy and available partner. Your BF is NOT currently available........... booze is his first priority, remember that, booze is first.

Audrey1

The others are right. None of us can tell you whether he is or he isn't. All I can add is that the above quote sounds a lot like my partner, from the carry on about "why can't I have a well-earned beer in my own house" to the alleged cutting back which never happens. So does the defensiveness.

My partner couldn't be labelled high-functioning because he didn't really work for long after we moved in together, but perhaps he was before that (claims he owned a very successful business once upon a time) and before the drinking increased and increased and increased. From the looks of other posts on this forum, the high-functioning part is just a precursor to non-functioning alcoholism. Either the drinking stops or it becomes malignant.

Perhaps it's time for you to move out and regain some independence. Given a bit of distance, you may be able to see the situation for what it is and work out whether you really want to continue with your relationship.

italiungrl

And to make matters worse, hes not a nice drinker once he has enough in him if hes questioned or disagreed with he becomes quite belligerent.
It has gotten to the point where I cringe when I hear that tab pop on a beer.
I just cant fathom why he cant see that drinking at least a case a week usually more and shots more then 3 times a week isn't a problem. And the defensive personality is it a result of the drinking or vice versa. Thanks for all your input ..

LexieCat

Defensiveness doesn't cause alcoholism. Although it can be a symptom of a person who drinks (or drank, before the addiction took over) to feel better and to fit in. Most alcoholics are defensive about their drinking because they NEED to drink and will protect the drinking from anything or anyone that threatens it.

It really doesn't matter, from your perspective. He is who/what he is. He probably won't get any better than this (though he is certain to get worse if he is an alcoholic). So, assuming that he will never be any better than this, is this what you want in YOUR life?

thislonelygirl

If you think he is. Then its fair to assume he probably is.
In my opinion if it looks like a duck. Walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then its a duck.
Your here though and its a problem to you.
I believe you are questioning that he is not because you have doubt that he is but
That you as you said are not really a drinker and probably not familiar with alcoholism on any level.
So from what youve seen....is he?
He drinks constantly stays up drinking till the early hours and drinks alot.
He also will only go about two days and becomes irritable (alarm!)
Irritability for not drinking!? Sounds like a classic sign of dependance to me.

dollydo

He may function today, however, tomorrow is another thing. This is a progressive disease, that has no cure. Left untreated, it will get worse.

Only you know whether the stress is worth it or not. Me? I had to get off the rollercoaster, didn't suit my mentality level or needs.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this page and cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power, the more that you learn about the ramifications of living with a person with addiction issues, the easier it will be to make the right decision for you.

italiungrl

I'll tell you what I'm Sicilian and we are known for being a little over the top but Ive never been involved with someone that can draw drama from just about any sentence and turn it in to a you did that, you caused that, its all you, They have this uncanny way of placing blame on everyone but themselves. They reflect anything that is presented to them. What I meant was I'm sure the drinking brings out the defensiveness even more, about things not even connected to drinking. I'm not sure I like him when he's not drinking now either, after a few days of not drinking hes irritable and easily set off, best thing to do is just dont say anything or agree. Again I said Im part Sicilian thats a hard pill for us to swallow, and who wants to live this way.
My dogs love this guy go figure, I ve never seen them take to someone like this.

inpieces314

DENIAL is the first symptom of alcoholism. EVERYTHING is EVERYONE else's fault. Who cares what happened, why it happened, how it happened, it is YOUR fault, period, done, end of story, and they will fight with you all day and night to prove it.

Alcoholic denial sucks. But it's part of the disease. You gotta understand he is sick. That doesn't last once they get into recovery (and actually work it). But for the time being, he actually really truly believes what he is saying. Even though his reality is totally whack-o crazy twilight zone, that is HIS reality and that is what he is living with. You have to break through it. And don't argue, it's not worth it, you end up exhausted and half crazy yourself over it.

italiungrl

When asked out of concern ( not confronted) he claims he really doesn't drink that much .Alcoholics drink bottles of liquor in a week, his last 2 weeks both of them, and he drinks lite beer. I have only seen him go 2 consecutive nights without Beer one night he went to bed at like 830 PM and the other night he had to drive and pick up his son at night.

I guess he deems a problem with Alcohol if your falling down drunk, who goes out to bars.