Is it common for codependants to be villified?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I have to agree with Lexie, why are you picking apart her program ?
Active addicts die everyday from their addiction, or a complication of their lifestyle. This is about life or death . Allow her to choose life for herself.
We cannot be their savior or salvation. We simply are not that powerful.
I basically have to remind myself daily to sh*t in my own litter box, I dont need to be going where I don't belong. I find comfort and security in accepting my own limitations.
Active addicts die everyday from their addiction, or a complication of their lifestyle. This is about life or death . Allow her to choose life for herself.
We cannot be their savior or salvation. We simply are not that powerful.
I basically have to remind myself daily to sh*t in my own litter box, I dont need to be going where I don't belong. I find comfort and security in accepting my own limitations.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I've had the opposite experience Crazed. My AH didn't villify me in recovery, he glorified me (despite consistently disrespecting me while he was actively drinking... hypocrite much? lol).
When his alcoholism came out & he started seeking recovery he would tell me over & over how nothing was my fault, it was all his, I was perfect, couldn't have done any better. I called BS. I told him to go ahead & nail himself to a cross already, if he was going to martyr himself good & proper. Impossible for anything to be so one-sided despite all of his obvious problems & hadn't he just spent years snarking on me, tearing down my self-esteem? I had to start digging deep inside & reach out to new ideas & perceptions (like SR, Al-Anon, lots & lots of recommended reading) & find my humility again in order to continue to grow.
Because the truth was that no matter how things progressed between the 2 of us, I had no crystal ball showing me that we were guaranteed to end up happily ever after & I knew I didn't want to go forward in life as the same person I'd been. I had to get healthy for me the same way he had to get sober for him.
I had no real understanding of what co-dependency was & I think there's a lot more information now than ever before about it. (Ironically, I remembered later that one of the 1st classes I signed up for in college after moving away from my FOO was about addiction.... I learned tons about addicts & next to nothing about co-dependency.) It's subtle because for many of us, it masquerades as our strengths & for me I needed to separate who I CHOSE to be from who I HAD to be as a result of being raised in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family.
In my mind, I wasn't co-dependent, I was strong.
I wasn't co-dependent, I was organized.
I wasn't co-dependent, I loved too much.
I wasn't co-dependent, I supported my loved ones.
I wasn't co-dependent, I was just capable of handling more.
I could go on & on. I realized that for me, this all stretches back to my very early childhood. I didn't realize that I was co-mingling love & responsibility & getting their definitions tangled. These aren't just habits for me any longer, they're like my personal characteristics & changing that kind of deep-rooted hard-wiring is NOT easy or fast. It's confusing & surprising & extends beyond me & RAH & into many of my relationships.
I really think that you are struggling MORE than she is Crazed, and that should tell you something all in itself.
When his alcoholism came out & he started seeking recovery he would tell me over & over how nothing was my fault, it was all his, I was perfect, couldn't have done any better. I called BS. I told him to go ahead & nail himself to a cross already, if he was going to martyr himself good & proper. Impossible for anything to be so one-sided despite all of his obvious problems & hadn't he just spent years snarking on me, tearing down my self-esteem? I had to start digging deep inside & reach out to new ideas & perceptions (like SR, Al-Anon, lots & lots of recommended reading) & find my humility again in order to continue to grow.
Because the truth was that no matter how things progressed between the 2 of us, I had no crystal ball showing me that we were guaranteed to end up happily ever after & I knew I didn't want to go forward in life as the same person I'd been. I had to get healthy for me the same way he had to get sober for him.
I had no real understanding of what co-dependency was & I think there's a lot more information now than ever before about it. (Ironically, I remembered later that one of the 1st classes I signed up for in college after moving away from my FOO was about addiction.... I learned tons about addicts & next to nothing about co-dependency.) It's subtle because for many of us, it masquerades as our strengths & for me I needed to separate who I CHOSE to be from who I HAD to be as a result of being raised in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family.
In my mind, I wasn't co-dependent, I was strong.
I wasn't co-dependent, I was organized.
I wasn't co-dependent, I loved too much.
I wasn't co-dependent, I supported my loved ones.
I wasn't co-dependent, I was just capable of handling more.
I could go on & on. I realized that for me, this all stretches back to my very early childhood. I didn't realize that I was co-mingling love & responsibility & getting their definitions tangled. These aren't just habits for me any longer, they're like my personal characteristics & changing that kind of deep-rooted hard-wiring is NOT easy or fast. It's confusing & surprising & extends beyond me & RAH & into many of my relationships.
I really think that you are struggling MORE than she is Crazed, and that should tell you something all in itself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
And why are you still involved with her...
...she's your ex. EX. EX. EXXXXXXXX!!!
Her program is none of your damned business, but even more important is this-- your program is none of hers, and it's none of her sponsor's either.
Go no contact, and go on with your life. If you don't, then you deserve every bit of ass pain you get from not doing so, and it's yoru fault, not hers. 100 percent your fault.
Cyranoak
Her program is none of your damned business, but even more important is this-- your program is none of hers, and it's none of her sponsor's either.
Go no contact, and go on with your life. If you don't, then you deserve every bit of ass pain you get from not doing so, and it's yoru fault, not hers. 100 percent your fault.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by marie1960 
I have to agree with Lexie, why are you picking apart her program ?
Active addicts die everyday from their addiction, or a complication of their lifestyle. This is about life or death . Allow her to choose life for herself.
We cannot be their savior or salvation. We simply are not that powerful.
I basically have to remind myself daily to sh*t in my own litter box, I dont need to be going where I don't belong. I find comfort and security in accepting my own limitations.
Active addicts die everyday from their addiction, or a complication of their lifestyle. This is about life or death . Allow her to choose life for herself.
We cannot be their savior or salvation. We simply are not that powerful.
I basically have to remind myself daily to sh*t in my own litter box, I dont need to be going where I don't belong. I find comfort and security in accepting my own limitations.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
What you're feeling seems completely natural, like "Why am I the one who is being blamed when they did this and this". In a sense they are right that you have to get healthy also (in ADDITION to her getting healthy) if reconciliation were to be possible. Codependent behavior is harmful to addicts (it enables them) and her addictive behavior is harmful to you. Just try to remember that one of the "Don'ts" in Al Anon is "Don't check up on the alcoholic."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Whether her sponsor "should" say anything to/about him or not, the fact that she did doesn't need to affect him either way.
Crazed, maybe you need to get your OWN sponsor and listen to what HE has to say.
Crazed, maybe you need to get your OWN sponsor and listen to what HE has to say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I didn't really think I was "picking her program apart." I was trying to understand why so much emphasis by her (and her sponsor), constantly shifts to ME AND HOW SICK I AM. It makes me think I am BEING BLAMED. Truth of the matter is that she drinks if I am in her life, or out of her life. She got divorced from her ex-husband for drinking, and drank for years before that as well. To me it seems like not only the alcoholic is blame shifting, but the sposor is as well. Either way, none of my business.
Yes, I will be getting a sponsor.
Yes, I will be getting a sponsor.
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