redatlanta

Well here's what is odd to me in the story - I didn't get any red flags about him being in recovery. Or living in a sober house. I got red flags from his behavior of tossing out the bait, getting a bite, and refusing to set the hook.

Obviously you had chemistry - you are available and willing and he kept turning tail. He spoke of his attraction to your outgoing personality then said that attraction is the reason he felt there wasn't a future. The puzzle pieces aren't fitting together. He was a year sober when you met him. 7 months into it when it ended. Certainly there could be extenuating circumstances in his recovery that he would choose NOT to get in a relationship, but the one year mark is the point where getting into a relationship is suggested - he got on a dating website - I don't know yorkshire, it just doesn't make sense.

My opinion on getting involved with a recovering alcoholic would depend on the circumstances. How long sober and whether or not they were continuing to treat their disease. Relapse is always a possibility. Mine relapsed after 10 years. I have seen people that have after 30 years. The relapse my RAH had was mild but utterly devastating to me. When it heads South it heads quick, your whole world turned upside down in ways you never thought possible. There is no logic to alcoholism. Imagine having the most wonderful relationship and all of sudden a bottle of booze wins over you every time. Ugghhh.

Additionally I would recommend anyone getting involved in a relationship with a recovered A to get themselves into Al ANON. Codependents and A's go together like stink on s**t and even a recovered A can still have the personality traits of active addiction. This happened in my own relationship so in some ways I am glad he relapsed because it got me on here, and to Al Anon and working on my codependent behavior which was destructive in our sober relationship. 6 months ago I was planning our separation. Today, well, I wouldn't trade him for all the money in the world.

I am sorry if we (or me) have seemed harsh - I didn't mean to be if I was. For those of us who have been there and done that often times that reaction comes from a place of hoping to prevent the pain in someone else.

Sorry you are hurting and please post often and stay on, ask questions and educate by reading the stories on here. It may help you. ((((hugs))))

DreamsofSerenity

I have to chime in.. When I read your post, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. At first I *thought you were talking about my alcoholic and almost PM'd you to see who this guy is. Then it didn't really fit--my exabf isn't in recovery, or in a sober house--but the behavior, and the things he said to you were absolutely identical.

Maybe your AF is involved with other women in the same way he was involved with you. What doesn't fit about his story is his presence on the dating web site. If he is new to recovery, and in a sober living situation, then he knows very well he can not be in a relationship. Therefore, (IMO) the only explanation for his being on the dating website is a twisted desire to play around with the emotions of women. It would be one thing if you met him by chance somewhere else, and then his confusion and the push/pull followed, but this was totally different.*

Someone can be a very nice guy to his buddies, have a good job, but still be a major mind f***! I was with one of them. I know the allure but I also know the pain. Magnify the pain you are feeling now by a thousand and that is how you will feel if you get more deeply involved with this guy.

I am glad he is gone and I hope he stays gone. My heart goes out to you.*

Received

I'm a "recovering" alcoholic and like Lexie and others have posted, I am seeing a lot of red flags.

It just doesn't add up. Please be careful as he might very well try and contact you again.

yorkshire

Thank goodness I deleted his phone number and email address. I almost had a moment of weakness there where I wanted to text him and swear at him for being on that frickin' dating site. I wanted to call him an idiot and a fool and a hurtful manipulator. I just checked and I saw that he was still on there (a 98% match with me btw...) , although I did stop short of checking when he had last logged in.....( that would have hurt waaay too much)

(I will say... in the interests of full disclosure.... that I was the one that contacted him first. I saw that he had looked at my profile for a number of days in a row and I was curious. He did wait a while before he responded and a few days in he did say he was likely emotionally unavailable. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship, he just wanted to talk to women because he was lonely in the weekends. That makes it worse in a way, I should have run away screaming but I didn't because I was intrigued, possibly lonely myself, he did not have the self discipline to walk away either and so the dysfunction began....)

Thank you all. I so appreciate you all spending time and effort to help me through this. You haven't seemed harsh- I just wish I had had the courage to post on this site a while back.... I could've spared myself some heartache....;-)