What is this? Am I crazy? (Stonewalling?)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
What is this? Am I crazy? (Stonewalling?)
Is this "stonewalling"? Why do they do this?
A few days ago, I returned home from taking care of my mother, who just had a mastectomy. Needless to say, while I was gone there were no calls from my husband or even texts asking how my mother was doing. AH didn't pick me up from the airport saying he was tired of driving that week (after all, he had to drive all the way home from work to take our dogs out at lunch).
Upon my return, AH seemed okay, however the other night when I was going to dinner & a play with program friends, he calls me as we're driving to dinner to inquire about our low bank account balance, and wants me to recount what I've spent, "What else?! What else?" he kept asking. He called me a total of 6 times that night while I was at dinner, and texted me to accuse me of ignoring him.
I get home that night and he is in our other bedroom, with the door locked (!) presumably asleep with the tv on. In the morning he barely talked to me, only snapping an answer, and then telling me he was running errands. He was gone most of the day, returning to the other bedroom to again sleep without me. This morning he again was running various errands and swinging by his office. When I came into the living room for the second half of the super bowl, he went upstairs, but as he left told me he had bought me a cookie at the grocery store if I wanted it.
There's no conversation, and yet he's talking to me only when necessary to make it seem like he's not ignoring me. I figure he is drinking when he is upstairs in the other room.
Has anyone else experienced this? He even bought "his" groceries and cooked himself so he doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with me whatsoever.
A few days ago, I returned home from taking care of my mother, who just had a mastectomy. Needless to say, while I was gone there were no calls from my husband or even texts asking how my mother was doing. AH didn't pick me up from the airport saying he was tired of driving that week (after all, he had to drive all the way home from work to take our dogs out at lunch).
Upon my return, AH seemed okay, however the other night when I was going to dinner & a play with program friends, he calls me as we're driving to dinner to inquire about our low bank account balance, and wants me to recount what I've spent, "What else?! What else?" he kept asking. He called me a total of 6 times that night while I was at dinner, and texted me to accuse me of ignoring him.
I get home that night and he is in our other bedroom, with the door locked (!) presumably asleep with the tv on. In the morning he barely talked to me, only snapping an answer, and then telling me he was running errands. He was gone most of the day, returning to the other bedroom to again sleep without me. This morning he again was running various errands and swinging by his office. When I came into the living room for the second half of the super bowl, he went upstairs, but as he left told me he had bought me a cookie at the grocery store if I wanted it.
There's no conversation, and yet he's talking to me only when necessary to make it seem like he's not ignoring me. I figure he is drinking when he is upstairs in the other room.
Has anyone else experienced this? He even bought "his" groceries and cooked himself so he doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with me whatsoever.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Looks to me like he's pouting because you had the nerve to leave him all alone, visiting your mom and then going out with your friends.
Just typical self-centered alcoholic behavior.
Just typical self-centered alcoholic behavior.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
He has done this before but the "reason" seems to change. A couple of weeks ago he came home from work on Friday with a dozen roses. Then spent the weekend ignoring me and sleeping in the other room. When he left to go somewhere, I had walked past him with the dog and didn't know he was leaving, so waited for his truck to pass me. "Where are you going?" I asked. "You just walked right past me, why didn't you ask me then?" Uh what?!
Then later that night, "Where are you going?" when he grabbed his keys after downing a glass of wine. "To get some F*CKING dinner!" he yelled. So this weekend it's the same avoiding thing but no yelling or swearing yet.
Then later that night, "Where are you going?" when he grabbed his keys after downing a glass of wine. "To get some F*CKING dinner!" he yelled. So this weekend it's the same avoiding thing but no yelling or swearing yet.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Who knows? I do know that trying to figure out that kind of behavior can make us nuts.
Sounds like somehow he's expecting you to read his mind. Look, alcoholics do a lot of "living" in their own heads. Because their brains are scrambled from the alcohol, it doesn't take much for them to get all worked up over some imagined "offense" and then punish you for it.
Are you getting any support for dealing with this craziness? Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it.
Sounds like somehow he's expecting you to read his mind. Look, alcoholics do a lot of "living" in their own heads. Because their brains are scrambled from the alcohol, it doesn't take much for them to get all worked up over some imagined "offense" and then punish you for it.
Are you getting any support for dealing with this craziness? Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
Thank you - yes I have been in Al Anon for the last 11 months. But it doesn't make me feel prepared for these situations. I don't know what to say, how to behave, because we hear "Don't be a doormat" but also "Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable" and "Don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain." So now I feel silenced because I have absolutely no idea how to behave anymore. Either try to talk to him or pretend everything is normal?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
my axh used to do the same, he just wanted me to feel guilty for being human and having a life, that way next time I will think twice before going anywhere, his behaviour was all about isolating me from every one. It actually worked for few years.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think that even trying to inquire what's eating him rewards the behavior. I think I'd try to do whatever I'd be doing if he weren't acting the way he is. If you're eating dinner, finish eating. If you're putting out the trash, put out the trash. Go about your business, in other words.
It may be "unacceptable behavior," but pointing that out won't help the situation.
It may be "unacceptable behavior," but pointing that out won't help the situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
Thank you everyone. I think you're right - in the past asking "What's wrong?" either gets "Nothing" or makes it worse as you stated, LexieCat. The part that is very manipulative and crazy-making is that he, I think, is trying to make it look like he's *not* avoiding me. I.E. he will tell me where he is going, ask if I need anything, and he even bought me a cookie. But he gets up off the couch when I sit there and goes back upstairs, goes to sleep without saying goodnight.
Sorry, just venting. Yes, I know he is being irrational. Part of me (my issues) makes me think it's me.
Sorry, just venting. Yes, I know he is being irrational. Part of me (my issues) makes me think it's me.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Ha ha ha, sorry for laughing. He's having a little boy tantrum because you left him alone.
Originally Posted by NewbieJ 
Is this "stonewalling"? Why do they do this?
A few days ago, I returned home from taking care of my mother, who just had a mastectomy. Needless to say, while I was gone there were no calls from my husband or even texts asking how my mother was doing. AH didn't pick me up from the airport saying he was tired of driving that week (after all, he had to drive all the way home from work to take our dogs out at lunch).
Upon my return, AH seemed okay, however the other night when I was going to dinner & a play with program friends, he calls me as we're driving to dinner to inquire about our low bank account balance, and wants me to recount what I've spent, "What else?! What else?" he kept asking. He called me a total of 6 times that night while I was at dinner, and texted me to accuse me of ignoring him.
I get home that night and he is in our other bedroom, with the door locked (!) presumably asleep with the tv on. In the morning he barely talked to me, only snapping an answer, and then telling me he was running errands. He was gone most of the day, returning to the other bedroom to again sleep without me. This morning he again was running various errands and swinging by his office. When I came into the living room for the second half of the super bowl, he went upstairs, but as he left told me he had bought me a cookie at the grocery store if I wanted it.
There's no conversation, and yet he's talking to me only when necessary to make it seem like he's not ignoring me. I figure he is drinking when he is upstairs in the other room.
Has anyone else experienced this? He even bought "his" groceries and cooked himself so he doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with me whatsoever.
A few days ago, I returned home from taking care of my mother, who just had a mastectomy. Needless to say, while I was gone there were no calls from my husband or even texts asking how my mother was doing. AH didn't pick me up from the airport saying he was tired of driving that week (after all, he had to drive all the way home from work to take our dogs out at lunch).
Upon my return, AH seemed okay, however the other night when I was going to dinner & a play with program friends, he calls me as we're driving to dinner to inquire about our low bank account balance, and wants me to recount what I've spent, "What else?! What else?" he kept asking. He called me a total of 6 times that night while I was at dinner, and texted me to accuse me of ignoring him.
I get home that night and he is in our other bedroom, with the door locked (!) presumably asleep with the tv on. In the morning he barely talked to me, only snapping an answer, and then telling me he was running errands. He was gone most of the day, returning to the other bedroom to again sleep without me. This morning he again was running various errands and swinging by his office. When I came into the living room for the second half of the super bowl, he went upstairs, but as he left told me he had bought me a cookie at the grocery store if I wanted it.
There's no conversation, and yet he's talking to me only when necessary to make it seem like he's not ignoring me. I figure he is drinking when he is upstairs in the other room.
Has anyone else experienced this? He even bought "his" groceries and cooked himself so he doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with me whatsoever.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
My ah does this as well. Lexi cat is right its pouting.
The reason being that from what ive noticed with my ah and by his words that he expects my world and everything to revolve around him and when it doesnt hell blame or ignore/distance.
Usually this follows after or during heavy drinking or craving.
ive now realized that an alcoholic is taking depressing juice ....
And hence their bipolar or clinically depressed or sudden change in mood
In my opinion its just another symptom of the problem
The reason being that from what ive noticed with my ah and by his words that he expects my world and everything to revolve around him and when it doesnt hell blame or ignore/distance.
Usually this follows after or during heavy drinking or craving.
ive now realized that an alcoholic is taking depressing juice ....
And hence their bipolar or clinically depressed or sudden change in mood
In my opinion its just another symptom of the problem
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
He's manipulating you by giving you the silent treatment. The roses and the cookie were a way to try and pull you into his web just so he could reinforce and then continue the behavior. He's mentally whiplashing you.
Think back, during the times he bought you roses and the cookie were you a bit more detached? If not, it's likely in his mind you were and he wanted to draw you in just so he could push you back again.
Many times silence is the loudest voice.
These are just my thoughts based on my experience of myself and alcoholics I've had relationships with.
It's classic and yes, he is having a temper tantrum.
Think back, during the times he bought you roses and the cookie were you a bit more detached? If not, it's likely in his mind you were and he wanted to draw you in just so he could push you back again.
Many times silence is the loudest voice.
These are just my thoughts based on my experience of myself and alcoholics I've had relationships with.
It's classic and yes, he is having a temper tantrum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Received
He's manipulating you by giving you the silent treatment...
Think back, during the times he bought you roses and the cookie were you a bit more detached? If not, it's likely in his mind you were and he wanted to draw you in just so he could push you back again.
Many times silence is the loudest voice...
It's classic and yes, he is having a temper tantrum.
Think back, during the times he bought you roses and the cookie were you a bit more detached? If not, it's likely in his mind you were and he wanted to draw you in just so he could push you back again.
Many times silence is the loudest voice...
It's classic and yes, he is having a temper tantrum.
And sure enough, he denied he had done any avoiding or even yelling, claiming he didn't know what I was talking about. When I tried to talk to him about everything he said he didn't have anything to say, that I could talk if I wanted to but he had nothing to say.
For people who don't know what it's like living with active alcoholism it is hard to explain and even for me to understand, as I am only seeing this with fresh eyes for the past 6 months (11 months total in Al Anon but didn't really sink in until then, especially the behaviors).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by choublak
Wait, what is stonewalling? Is that like gaslighting? There needs to be a glossary of these manipulation terms. Lol
Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
More Gaslighting - Stinkin' Thinkin'
I think there have been posts on here as well. I forgot that term - thank you for reminding me!
Stonewalling is "The refusal to communicate or cooperate." It is the ultimate "I'm right, and there is nothing to discuss." Dr Neill Neill has a good article on his website, and there are others out there as well:
Is Stonewalling Causing Problems in Your Marriage? | Dr. Neill Neill's Practical Psychology
In my experience it also includes him physically staying away from me, refusing to talk unless necessary, stuff like that. Also outright saying, "I don't have anything to say." AH has never been much of a talker (unless drinking) but he *did* used to have conversations. Mostly, though, I've noticed conversations to him involve subjects he is an "expert" on (which is almost everything), and the way he speaks is very "This is the truth, not my opinion."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
When I would detach from my ABF, he would manifest the same behaviors you're talking about. I knew from my Counselor that he would get worse when he figured out I wasn't paying attention to him. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. I stopped asking any questions. If he grabbed the car keys to leave....I ignored it. I didn't ask where he's been when he got home. If he went in the other room, fine with me. It frustrated him for awhile, and he threw the same tantrums. But I felt more peaceful in a weird way. I was in control of me and my reactions (or lack thereof).
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It,s not stonewalling,he,s being an a#$, trying to get you upset by giving you the silent treatment which by the way is a form of emotional abuse.
Stonewalling is what my RA does to me when I get emotional, I mean crying, he won,t let me talk because HE can,t handle my upsetness. Which I think is also a form of emotional abuse but that,s justmy opinion.
Stonewalling is what my RA does to me when I get emotional, I mean crying, he won,t let me talk because HE can,t handle my upsetness. Which I think is also a form of emotional abuse but that,s justmy opinion.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
