The Kids

Old 02-03-2013, 01:24 AM
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The Kids

So today my alcoholic bf and I went up to visit his kids. He is down to one beer a day. He's cutting down so at the end of the month he plans to be at no beers. His 8 year old son today says I remember when you owned your shop, you drank a lot then. I'm glad your not anymore.... Then his son said my Dad (then step dads name, which I would rather not say)... Well that's his kids step dad. That really offended my bf. The step dad who is an alcoholic and beats the kids mother puts my bf down infront of the kids. Makes them call him dad. He has 8 kids of his own why does he need to make my bfs his too? But I know familys like that, the kids at one house say dad then there step mom, mom and call the real mom by first name. Then in the moms house its the opposite. That's my friends.

Well when my bf and I get married I think we should tell his kids in front of there mother, my mom (my name), just to see how she likes it. Yeah not very nice. I am going to convince my bf that when we have a house we should file for full custody because I don't think that is right. I am not the kids mother so I don't believe they should call me mom but if they want to let them. But for the kids to call the step-dad DAD is not right to me. Especially in front of there real DAD. I think he needs to talk to his ex about it. But I don't know how to bring things up like that. I think, KEY WORD THINK, he may have had more then one drink after I left because he was pretty upset. He has all right to be upset does he not?
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:44 AM
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Children are not game pieces. The title dad means nothing. My stepkids used to try to call me mom..they were tiny..and I would tell them that I was their (insert my name). I loved them like they were my own
...but titles are not necessary to love.

Last edited by ReflectingOnMe; 02-03-2013 at 03:47 AM. Reason: deleted section
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Old 02-03-2013, 05:16 AM
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I would suggest that you keep your nose out of it. It is not your business or battle to fight.

Don't focus on what your fantasies are, focus on today, he is still drinking, until he stops and really embraces a strong recovery program nothing has changed. Marrying a known A is a step that I would not encourage anyone to take.

Have you read Codependent No More? The stickeys at the top of the forum and cynical one's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do all three.

Work on you, get healthy.
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Old 02-03-2013, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Charlie0414 View Post

I am not the kids mother so I don't believe they should call me mom but if they want to let them. But for the kids to call the step-dad DAD is not right to me.
This seems hypocritical to me If they want to call you mom its ok - but calling step dad "DAD" is not? Are you basing this on the step dad demanding they call him that?

Tit for tat seldom works out - antagonizing the mother for the sole purpose of making things "even" will only come back on those kids.

As for the added drinking - I recognize that this would be upsetting to your bf. In the scheme of life s**t happens and will continue to which means drinking will continue to happen if this is how your bf handles conflict. This is no excuse, sorry, and a great reason to be in a program with a sponsor. Learning how to handle these situations and having someone to talk to that knows the drill, when turning to alcohol seems like the solution, is the roadmap to staying sober.

Sounds like filing for custody would be a great idea - not based on what the kids are forced to call their step-father, rather based on the fact that he is an alcoholic that beats their mother.
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Old 02-03-2013, 06:41 AM
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What the kids call a step-parent is so trivial in the world of crap these kids are dealing with that it is not worth spending one second worrying about.

Their father is an alcoholic, too. And "tapering down" to one beer is not going to keep him sober. The ONLY virtue of tapering down is when one is drinking so much that not tapering would lead to physical withdrawal symptoms.

I would not marry this man until he has at LEAST a year of solid sobriety. Preferably in AA, though that isn't essential for EVERY problem drinker. But during that year you should see personal growth and maturity and increased responsibility.
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:01 AM
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I wouldn't recommend marrying him if he doesn,t have at least one year of sobriety and also the situation with his kids is none of your business.

Have you looked into Alanon for yourself?



Originally Posted by Charlie0414 View Post
So today my alcoholic bf and I went up to visit his kids. He is down to one beer a day. He's cutting down so at the end of the month he plans to be at no beers. His 8 year old son today says I remember when you owned your shop, you drank a lot then. I'm glad your not anymore.... Then his son said my Dad (then step dads name, which I would rather not say)... Well that's his kids step dad. That really offended my bf. The step dad who is an alcoholic and beats the kids mother puts my bf down infront of the kids. Makes them call him dad. He has 8 kids of his own why does he need to make my bfs his too? But I know familys like that, the kids at one house say dad then there step mom, mom and call the real mom by first name. Then in the moms house its the opposite. That's my friends.

Well when my bf and I get married I think we should tell his kids in front of there mother, my mom (my name), just to see how she likes it. Yeah not very nice. I am going to convince my bf that when we have a house we should file for full custody because I don't think that is right. I am not the kids mother so I don't believe they should call me mom but if they want to let them. But for the kids to call the step-dad DAD is not right to me. Especially in front of there real DAD. I think he needs to talk to his ex about it. But I don't know how to bring things up like that. I think, KEY WORD THINK, he may have had more then one drink after I left because he was pretty upset. He has all right to be upset does he not?
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:25 AM
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I don't believe he is only having one beer a day. If you can get by on 1, or even 3, you can stop entirely with little to no withdrawal. That aside, I agree with most of the rest of the comments on this thread.
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:42 AM
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Let me see if I have this right:

Your alcoholic boyfriend's ex wife is being beaten by her current alcoholic husband.

And you want to beat her down emotionally as soon as you can by marrying her Alcoholic ExHusband, then forcing her to witness you making her children call you *Mom*.

AND you want to force him to fight for full custody after you had two visits with these kids?

Did I get that right?

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic.
His son remembers him as an alcoholic.
Your boyfriend has not spent much time with his son.
This child has been hurt by the actions/inactions of your boyfriend. He is a hurt little boy. He may have wanted to let his dad know a little of how badly he is hurting by inflicting some of his own hurt.

The child is likely repeating a familiar pattern, accepting an alcoholic as a parent, but hoping this time it will turn out differently (father figure won't leave).

Forcing this child to abandon his mother, call someone else *Mom*, and watching his dad continue to drink are NOT ways to help this child, IMHO.
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:20 AM
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I do not plan on marring him till he is sober. I love the concern though

Redatlanta- I understand that why that is being hypocritical BUT they forced to call him by his dad not by his first name.

Pelican- she is not getting beating anymore because her current husband is not drinking around her or the kids anymore. I have watched my friends go through so much pain/hurt from other people and we never stood up for ourselves. This is not my pain. it is his pain and I should back off. But even if my bf and I break up I am still going to encourage him to file for full custody. If this was my friends I would do the same thing. I believe your right, maybe his son is just telling him how much he hurts. I never even though of that.

See I knew talking to all of you would help me before I talk to him. Thank you so much and Pelican you have the most and have helped me other posts as well I hope you will keep an eye on all my posts. You are very helpful to my life

Everybody talks about the stickeys at the top why can't I find the stickeys at the top?
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:31 AM
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Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will give you insight into your own behaviors. Your BF is still an active A, whether he drinks one or one hundred drinks a day. He's still drinking. And you are involved in his disease, trying to control things around you. Truth is, his son's relationship with the Stepdad is not your business. It's up to your BF to decide how he wants to handle it...not you. Not your battle.

AlAnon teaches us to stay on our side of the street. That means we need to focus on our behaviors, our issues...not the A's. Your BF is responsible for his side of the street, which includes his re'ship with his ex and his son.

I hope your BF chooses recovery at some point, and I hope you find your own recovery through AlAnon.
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:47 AM
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Go to the very top of the Family & Friends Of Alcoholcs, you will see a whole bunch of threads marked stickeys. I would also suggest that you read those at the top of the
Family & friends of Substance abusers, addiction is addiction.
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Old 02-03-2013, 12:00 PM
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Oops, sorry, I was wrong. You do have to click the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" link that displays all the threads.

Dolly was right.
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Old 02-03-2013, 12:59 PM
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above this current post there is a post by LexiCat and Dollydo, look above that....

you will see a row of titles printed in blue and underlined. Those are links and they should read (left to right)
SoberRecovery: Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Friends and Family >
Friends and Family of Alcoholics

If you put your cursor on the words Friends and Family of Alcoholics, in that row, and click it will take you to the main title page for the Friends and Family Section.
There you will see about 14 threads above the active threads that have a padlock symbol in the left column.
Those are the Sticky Posts.

They are locked so that no new information is added, and they are located at the top for everyone to read.

Hope that helps.
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