Why there is a "no" in "no contact".

Old 02-02-2013, 09:18 PM
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Why there is a "no" in "no contact".

Left my ex 8 years ago. I had to stop and count the time before I wrote that. Al-anon and SR helped me put my life together again. Ex and I will email now and then. When the kids have trouble, clean up some old money issues, and that's about it. I've heard that she found a new guy, not one of the three married ones that were the last straw in our marriage. Heard she moved.

And that's about it. I've moved on.

The other day I get a long email from her. Would I like to go on a road trip with her to go see my mom for her 100th birthday?

Road trips were one of our special things we used to do. Hop in my pickup, toss her wheelchair in the back and off we'd go all over the west side of the USA. Sometimes a week, sometimes a couple months. We'd visit friends and customers along the way, it was the best of times.

After 8 years of minimal contact all of a sudden she wants to get back in the groove like nothing ever happened. No mention of "gee, I'm sorry I ran around with married men and asked you to butt out", how about "I know it's been a few years, can we talk?" or maybe " I hope life has been good to you, can we have a few minutes to talk about all the hurt that happened?"

Nope. None of that.

I just don't get it. What kind of insanity is this that can twist a person's mind like that? Never mind, I don't _need_ to get it. I just need to be grateful I'm out of that mess.

No, I'm not taking my ex on a road trip. Yes, my Mom is going to be 100 but her mind is long gone. She no longer recognizes me, or anybody else for that matter. I'll go see her when I've scheduled, and I'll go by myself, thank you. No, I'm not going back to my ex, am not even going to try. I'm not looking to repeat my past, I'm looking to my future.

"no" in "no contact" is about as simple as it can be. Crazy people with addiction problems are _not_ where I want my life to be. There's a whole big world out there and I'm not done checking it out.

I sent my ex a polite email back, thanked her for thinking about my mom and hoped life is treating her well. Thank you SR and al-anon, for teaching me how important "no contact" is for my recovery, and for giving me a life with a future instead of leaving me stuck in the past.

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Old 02-02-2013, 10:14 PM
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That is so weird that she contacted you to ask you something like that. I'm glad you were able to remain detached from it all. Crazy people with addiction problems is not where I want my life to be either! I too am trying to get unstuck from the past, especially all the pain and drama. I just started seeing someone who has a drink maybe once a week, and so far it is so refreshing to be around someone who is not constantly moody and abusive.

good luck to you
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Old 02-02-2013, 11:03 PM
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It's that old "alcoholic radar", Desert Eyes.

As soon as we are peaceful and happy and done with the drama, the alcoholic's suddenly back! Wondering if you missed him! (Or her, in your case).

I'm sorry for her she did not 1. Work a program. and 2. Make it to Step 9.

But am really so glad for you, that you decided you were worth something. Worth everything!

Wishing you many road trips to great places in your future. And nobody high around you except the birds.
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:59 AM
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I get it. I do the same thing sometimes. I miss my ex ... I miss the great stuff we used to do together ... & I forget the horrible things we did to each other ... & every now & then I have a sentimental moment when my brain stops working & I remember just how good the good things were & I can imagine ringing him & saying "Ya wanna just drop everything & go camping out on Pagans Flat for the rest of our lives?". But I don't, because SR has taught me to play the tape all the way through. Yup ... ALL the way through. Cause then I get to the bit where he has too much to drink, & then he gets nasty, & then I feel abandoned, & then he has some more to drink & gets dangerous & then I feel scared, & then he has a bit more still & something potentially life threatening happens & I'm crying & wondering how I got back in this nightmare again. I have learned to cherish the memories of the good stuff - & some of it was amazing. I'm grateful for that & it is precious to me. But some of it was hell, for both of us, & I eventually had to admit the hell was too hellish to ignore any longer & I let go. Now I resist the urge to pretend the good times were the only times, & I don't pick up the phone
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Old 02-03-2013, 06:32 AM
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I think refusing to engage my alcoholic ex husband (the one who is still drinking) is the very best thing I could have done for both of us. NOTHING good would have come from my listening to his sad tales and misery. I wish him the best, but far away from me and my life.
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:19 AM
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Thank you for sharing.

It is hard to tell what other people are thinking. Heartache's are a sneaky thing but when our minds are clear, we make good decisions regardless.
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:57 AM
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Dear DesertEyes, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. There is such a good lesson in your post for those who are not as far along as you are in coming to terms with the grief and loss of past relationships.

When that good'ole selective recall creeps up on us--we need to "play the tape all the way through" (as per HelenLee), so that we remember that the good times were not the ONLY times!

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 02-03-2013, 01:28 PM
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Wow! Desert Eyes, you are strong. Not that you didn't take the hook, it's more that you so totally get the insanity behind the request. Sad to say, my codie brain has thought (and thank God, not acted on) of calling my AXF to see if he wanted to spend a weekend at the vacation house we still own together.

WHAT???????? I'm glad HE never suggested something so crazy. In a weak moment, I might have said yes.

But here in real life, I'm going to take a nap, so I'm fresh for my Alanon meeting tonight. I have the topic.

Thanks for the reinforcing thoughts!
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Old 02-03-2013, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Helenlee View Post
the hell was too hellish to ignore any longer
I love this line and am totally stealing it!

Thanks for this thread; as always, very timely!
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:16 PM
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Says it all really doesn't it.
Good for you for your healthy life now & being able to say no.
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:43 PM
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People who have "no contact" or a restraining order against them are generally too "crazy" or whatever to rationally comprehend the concept. So they try and "test" it, either directly or through a third party.
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