my first post - kinda long
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
my first post - kinda long
This is my first post on this forum. I have read so many things that I can relate to on here. I am hoping someone can relate to my situation. Here is my story. It may turn into a novel, my apologies in advance.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I also married an alcoholic. I never intended to end up like this, but who does? We have been together for more than 13 years and married almost 11 years. We have a daughter who will be 8 soon. We separated just over 8 months ago when he told me for about the one millionth time to leave, then pushed me. He has always been controlling and manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive, but I didn’t recognize it for a very long time. By the time I did realize what was happening, I felt like it was too late to do anything about it for myself. That maybe I deserved what I got. I have come to realize I didn’t and I don’t. I am no-where near perfect, but this is not the life I signed up for when I got married.
Our life together has been a vicious cycle. We go from being on top of the world to the pits of hell and back again. When he drinks, he becomes impossible to be around. He is loud, obnoxious, belligerent, and borderline violent. When he is sober, it can still be hard to be around him. He is one of those people that must have things his way, regardless of how it affects anyone else. I’m not saying that we were never happy, it just that those times were so few and far between that it is sometimes hard to remember them. He was diagnosed bi-polar in 2002 after a suicide attempt. He spent a week in recovery and was sober for 3 months. Around the same time he started drinking again, he went off the bi-polar meds. He has not had any type of preventative medical treatment since, either for his physical health or his mental health.
I moved out of our family home on June 30, 2012 with our daughter. We moved into a rental house 2 minutes down the road from him. We had to leave behind two of her pets, since the lease doesn’t allow for more than one, and because he did not want to be alone (even though he told me to leave). Two weeks after we moved, he had a heart attack. Instead of calling 911, he called me. With my daughter in tow, I went to see what was going on with him. I had heard this type of thing from him so many times that I wasn’t sure if it was true or not. Once I saw him, I knew it was and I called 911. He spent several days in the hospital and was released with a pocket full of prescriptions. While he was in the hospital he said I needed to give him another chance. I just could not bring myself to go back into that relationship knowing what would most likely happen. I began then, and continue now, telling him that he needs to make the necessary changes in his life for himself. That if in 13 years he could not do it for me, then he can’t claim to do it for me now. I offered to help him with anything that I could, but of course that was not good enough. He did start taking better care of himself. Taking his meds, watching his diet, but continuing to drink and smoke pot. I established a boundary that we would not be around him when he was drinking or had been drinking.
We both started individual counseling back in July/August. I was seeing a counselor and he was seeing a psychiatrist. Things were starting to improve, but he would still call me while he was drunk and rant and rave about how I don’t love him or care about him because if I did I would be with him. We started marriage counseling in September. We went to three sessions. On the third session, he showed up smelling of alcohol and the counselor essentially fired us. Since he refused to seek the help he needs in his recovery, she felt there was nothing more she could do for us. For a while, I was inviting him over almost nightly to have dinner, if for no other reason than our daughter wanted to spend time with him. He came over every time, but it got to the point that it seemed like he did not want to be here. I knew he was just going to go home and get drunk. I stopped asking him over.
He does not spend any time with our daughter. His justification of that is that he loves both of us, not just her, so it would be too painful for him to be with her and not with me. We have not seen him since December 26. We did not spend any of the holidays together. I asked if he would like to be here to help on Christmas Eve, he said no. I asked if he would like to come over Christmas morning, he said no. He did come over the day after, but refused to open most of his gifts. The ones he did open are still here. He has stopped taking ALL of his meds: heart meds, blood pressure meds, diabetes meds, bi-polar meds. And he has stopped seeing the psychiatrist. Every time we talk it is the same conversation: that he is willing to do anything for US, but that I am not doing anything to help him. I feel like a broken record, repeating myself over and over that he has to work on his problems for himself and then maybe we can try to fix ours together. He refuses.
I have continued in individual counseling. I know it has helped me, but there is still that feeling of loss. I’m not sure that will ever go away. Our daughter misses him and her pets. Up to this point it hasn’t affected her at school, but a few days ago she did get upset and went to talk to the guidance counselor (I had already informed him fully of the situation).
There is so much more to all of this, but writing it would take up all the space the server of this forum has to offer. Thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read.
I welcome any and all comments and/or suggestions you may have to offer. I know my situation is not unique, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
I have looked into Al-anon meetings in my area. Most are too late during the week and I’m not sure that I am comfortable having my daughter attend a meeting with me on the weekends. There is a lunch time one that takes place near my office that I am considering attending. Does it help?
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I also married an alcoholic. I never intended to end up like this, but who does? We have been together for more than 13 years and married almost 11 years. We have a daughter who will be 8 soon. We separated just over 8 months ago when he told me for about the one millionth time to leave, then pushed me. He has always been controlling and manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive, but I didn’t recognize it for a very long time. By the time I did realize what was happening, I felt like it was too late to do anything about it for myself. That maybe I deserved what I got. I have come to realize I didn’t and I don’t. I am no-where near perfect, but this is not the life I signed up for when I got married.
Our life together has been a vicious cycle. We go from being on top of the world to the pits of hell and back again. When he drinks, he becomes impossible to be around. He is loud, obnoxious, belligerent, and borderline violent. When he is sober, it can still be hard to be around him. He is one of those people that must have things his way, regardless of how it affects anyone else. I’m not saying that we were never happy, it just that those times were so few and far between that it is sometimes hard to remember them. He was diagnosed bi-polar in 2002 after a suicide attempt. He spent a week in recovery and was sober for 3 months. Around the same time he started drinking again, he went off the bi-polar meds. He has not had any type of preventative medical treatment since, either for his physical health or his mental health.
I moved out of our family home on June 30, 2012 with our daughter. We moved into a rental house 2 minutes down the road from him. We had to leave behind two of her pets, since the lease doesn’t allow for more than one, and because he did not want to be alone (even though he told me to leave). Two weeks after we moved, he had a heart attack. Instead of calling 911, he called me. With my daughter in tow, I went to see what was going on with him. I had heard this type of thing from him so many times that I wasn’t sure if it was true or not. Once I saw him, I knew it was and I called 911. He spent several days in the hospital and was released with a pocket full of prescriptions. While he was in the hospital he said I needed to give him another chance. I just could not bring myself to go back into that relationship knowing what would most likely happen. I began then, and continue now, telling him that he needs to make the necessary changes in his life for himself. That if in 13 years he could not do it for me, then he can’t claim to do it for me now. I offered to help him with anything that I could, but of course that was not good enough. He did start taking better care of himself. Taking his meds, watching his diet, but continuing to drink and smoke pot. I established a boundary that we would not be around him when he was drinking or had been drinking.
We both started individual counseling back in July/August. I was seeing a counselor and he was seeing a psychiatrist. Things were starting to improve, but he would still call me while he was drunk and rant and rave about how I don’t love him or care about him because if I did I would be with him. We started marriage counseling in September. We went to three sessions. On the third session, he showed up smelling of alcohol and the counselor essentially fired us. Since he refused to seek the help he needs in his recovery, she felt there was nothing more she could do for us. For a while, I was inviting him over almost nightly to have dinner, if for no other reason than our daughter wanted to spend time with him. He came over every time, but it got to the point that it seemed like he did not want to be here. I knew he was just going to go home and get drunk. I stopped asking him over.
He does not spend any time with our daughter. His justification of that is that he loves both of us, not just her, so it would be too painful for him to be with her and not with me. We have not seen him since December 26. We did not spend any of the holidays together. I asked if he would like to be here to help on Christmas Eve, he said no. I asked if he would like to come over Christmas morning, he said no. He did come over the day after, but refused to open most of his gifts. The ones he did open are still here. He has stopped taking ALL of his meds: heart meds, blood pressure meds, diabetes meds, bi-polar meds. And he has stopped seeing the psychiatrist. Every time we talk it is the same conversation: that he is willing to do anything for US, but that I am not doing anything to help him. I feel like a broken record, repeating myself over and over that he has to work on his problems for himself and then maybe we can try to fix ours together. He refuses.
I have continued in individual counseling. I know it has helped me, but there is still that feeling of loss. I’m not sure that will ever go away. Our daughter misses him and her pets. Up to this point it hasn’t affected her at school, but a few days ago she did get upset and went to talk to the guidance counselor (I had already informed him fully of the situation).
There is so much more to all of this, but writing it would take up all the space the server of this forum has to offer. Thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read.
I welcome any and all comments and/or suggestions you may have to offer. I know my situation is not unique, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
I have looked into Al-anon meetings in my area. Most are too late during the week and I’m not sure that I am comfortable having my daughter attend a meeting with me on the weekends. There is a lunch time one that takes place near my office that I am considering attending. Does it help?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It helps a LOT. And you might want to look into the availability of Alateen for your daughter. It would help for her to understand her dad is not capable of being the kind of father he probably wishes he were.
There's really nothing you can do for him, but there is a lot you can do for yourself and your daughter.
There's really nothing you can do for him, but there is a lot you can do for yourself and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 95
There is nothing greater in the world than raising an 8 year old girl. He doesn't get it. Don't blame yourself. Get away from him. He doesn't recognize the great gift he has. This has been ongoing. He is irredeemable, beyond redemption. Make a new life for yourself and your daughter. So many people who would love to embrace you. The key is creating new healthy relationships with people who appreciate you and your daughter for who you are. i know you can do it. Just do it! Choose a better life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
leighr,
I'm sorry for the reason you are here but glad you found this forum. It was a godsend to me. AlAnon also helped me tremendously.
I didn't have children but I did live in the alcoholic insanity so I totally understand.
My prayers are with you.
I'm sorry for the reason you are here but glad you found this forum. It was a godsend to me. AlAnon also helped me tremendously.
I didn't have children but I did live in the alcoholic insanity so I totally understand.
My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
RUN, don't walk, to Al-Anon! I am alive today because of it. I was hospitalized for trying to take my life after my relationship with an alcoholic imploded. You will not be judged, but accepted, understood, and loved unconditionally, which sound like some things you might need about now. This site has also been a tremendous help. You can find a new life outside of the horror of this disease.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Sounds like you are handling this to the best of your ability. I give you a lot of credit for separating, and for holding your boundaries when he tries to manipulate you. Especially with his health issues, that's where most people give in and get sucked back in. You sound like a strong woman, and that's a great thing for your daughter.
AlAnon will be extremely beneficial to you. Check and see which meetings have sitters for your daughter, or find an AlAteen meeting for her.
You can't save your husband, as you already know. He will determine his own path, and if he wants to use you as an excuse it is just that...and excuse. You can only take care of you. Your daughter will be better off for having a strong Mom.
AlAnon will be extremely beneficial to you. Check and see which meetings have sitters for your daughter, or find an AlAteen meeting for her.
You can't save your husband, as you already know. He will determine his own path, and if he wants to use you as an excuse it is just that...and excuse. You can only take care of you. Your daughter will be better off for having a strong Mom.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done. Although your daughter may miss her pets and seeing her father, it is much better that she is not living with an alcoholic. At 8 she is picking up on how you handle situations and what kind of relationships are "normal" and you have showed her when someone doesn't treat you right you leave.
For as long as he continues to drink and not take all his medications he is a lost cause. Life is too short to sit by and watch an alcoholic destroy themselves and the family and just hope he will one day change. Keep building a calm and stable home life for your daughter. It is good she reached out for help at school, have you considered signing her up for art therapy? I know when my dad died (not from addiction) my mom signed my brother and sister up for art therapy where they could do different art projects to express their feelings with other children that had just lost a parent. Maybe they have one from children of addicts.
Keep taking care of yourself and putting you and your daughter first. You're a very strong woman and your daughter is lucky to have you.
For as long as he continues to drink and not take all his medications he is a lost cause. Life is too short to sit by and watch an alcoholic destroy themselves and the family and just hope he will one day change. Keep building a calm and stable home life for your daughter. It is good she reached out for help at school, have you considered signing her up for art therapy? I know when my dad died (not from addiction) my mom signed my brother and sister up for art therapy where they could do different art projects to express their feelings with other children that had just lost a parent. Maybe they have one from children of addicts.
Keep taking care of yourself and putting you and your daughter first. You're a very strong woman and your daughter is lucky to have you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My RAH has diabetes, and high blood pressure, and is bi-polar.
If he wasn't willing to manage his health we wouldn't be together. I have no desire to wake to a corpse or come home to one. We lived together for nearly a year with his undiagnosed bipolar.
If he stopped taking his BP meds I would probably take them
But... point being...in any relationship the health of it includes physical health. All of those problems are manageable and he is choosing not to.
Glad you left the alcoholism is bad enough the rest makes it simply intolerable. No words of wisdom here other than go to Al Anon - saved my sanity.
If he wasn't willing to manage his health we wouldn't be together. I have no desire to wake to a corpse or come home to one. We lived together for nearly a year with his undiagnosed bipolar.
If he stopped taking his BP meds I would probably take them
But... point being...in any relationship the health of it includes physical health. All of those problems are manageable and he is choosing not to.
Glad you left the alcoholism is bad enough the rest makes it simply intolerable. No words of wisdom here other than go to Al Anon - saved my sanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Thank you to each and every one of you for the kind words and show of support. It really means alot to know there are people that care and know what I am going through. Many of your comments bring tears to my eyes while others bring a smile. I need both!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel alot of your pain. In my opinion, you have done the right thing. The most important thing is your daughter. It might be hard for her now, but I think it will help her in the long run.
I have a friend (used to be an AB). I help him as much as I can. He loves my daughters very much, but I will not allow him to be around them, and because of them, I will not be around him either. I just cant afford to subject them to his behavior.
I really dont think you shoud either. (harder for you because it is your husband and your child's father).
Just remember, none of this is your fault. Keep posting and keep reading. The people on this site are so knowledgable and helpful!!!
God Bless you and your child!!!!
I have a friend (used to be an AB). I help him as much as I can. He loves my daughters very much, but I will not allow him to be around them, and because of them, I will not be around him either. I just cant afford to subject them to his behavior.
I really dont think you shoud either. (harder for you because it is your husband and your child's father).
Just remember, none of this is your fault. Keep posting and keep reading. The people on this site are so knowledgable and helpful!!!
God Bless you and your child!!!!
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