Audrey1

So, I finally let a friend of mine in on what has happened with my life. As you all know, we tend to protect our alcoholics and pretend everything is going along swimmingly to the outside world.

I gave her only a very brief rundown of events. His drinking was affecting our relationship so I left him, he's now dry and I've moved back in on the proviso that I leave if he drinks again. That things are going well.

Her reply? She told me to expect that he will fail and something along the lines of how I'm making bad decisions with my life, and that it's time I start to understand life better, along with some other assorted heavy preaching.

I'm really annoyed. This is a woman who has made terrible decisions since I met her. She got pregnant to an alcoholic junky based on the fun of it all, only to find herself in a nightmare, and discover that she really didn't want the child at all. The guy is now half-dead due to his drug and alcoholism, and on the verge of full-blown AIDS. She, on the other hand, still boozes it up and takes drugs, and is raising a very disturbed daughter she seems to have no love for. She regularly disappears for weeks on end to the other side of the country to have benders with friends ("to take a break from that kid"), leaving her daughter with her parents, and has a steady stream of men on the go in her "quest for love". Clearly, this is all taking its toll on her child.

The more she condescended me about my life, the more angry I got. But ignoring the massive difference in our lives in that I don't have children and have a very different attitude and lifestyle to hers, when you get right down to the heart of it, I truly wonder if the real reason I am so upset by what she said is because I wonder: "are she and I really any different?" Am I only annoyed because I looked at her life from a distance with a mixture of pity and frustration concerning her decisions, only to find myself making the same wrong decisions? We have the same starting point, after all. I'm sure she never imagined her life would turn out as it has either.

fluffyflea

And you are listening to this person why?

Audrey1

Good point. Her behaviour has been extremely difficult to swallow (particularly with respect to her child), but I have tried to be a friend to her through everything because she has had a tough time and minimal support from her family. She is now taking steps to improve her situation and get a mature-aged education, but she certainly hasn't cut all the crap out.

It upsets me as I always tried to help this woman, but never patronised her for the decisions she made.

All this got me wondering. None of us, neither the alcoholics nor the partners of alcoholics, ever pictured our lives turning out like this. We didn't set out with this in mind. She didn't set out to end up the way she is, yet she has anyway. I like to think I have greater clarity of mind to avoid what she has been through, but probably so did she.

On the other side of the coin, my partner grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father, and vowed to never become like him. Yet he became like him. I'm sure his father didn't get married thinking: "I'll just give her a few years of false security before I hit the booze harder, start sinking the boot in, and give my kids a traumatic upbringing they'll end up hating me for."

No one wants this so why does it happen?

CeciliaV

When weighing someone's words & opinions, always consider the source. In this case, I wouldn't put too much weight on what falls out of her mouth.

Also, it's so common for us to extend that caretaker attitude to others in our lives beyond the A's. We want to help & be supportive, and helping & supporting others is a welcome distraction from the help & support we may need in our own lives. While I think it's great to have friends & support in your life (kinda wishing I hadn't isolated myself for the last few years so I would have a larger support system), some people just shouldn't make the cut. No offense, but I don't see that this friend of yours can bring anything positive to your life. She may have had a hard go of things, and it sounds like you've been supportive & non-judgmental; she however does not seem to have that same ability and it seems that she's in a toxic place. I doubt she wants to look at her own life in the same judgmental light.

LifeRecovery

I am starting to understand that the "support" I choose to go to and the people I choose to ask things of are often not available emotionally, mentally etc to support me.

Similar to the loved one in my life that got me here. I keep going to the hardware store to buy bread. Except I try to get love and support from people who are not really capable of it.

I set myself up with the expectation that they are capable. I am not saying you did that but THAT is what I have been annoyed about with myself since I put it all together.

I am also fortunately coming to realize that I do have support in my life who is emotionally capable....those are the ones I am begining to turn toward more consistantly.

Audrey1

You're all spot on. She's no support at all. Never has been.

I went through years of pain in my last relationship caring for my partner who was dying of cancer. Although I didn't have time to see this girl very often, when I did she always got the rundown on what was going on with my life and his health (on her request). Granted, she had a lot going on in her own life with the alcoholic and her child, but I had thought she was at least listening. Eventually my partner was admitted to palliative care. She called me and asked how it was going. I told her the chemo hadn't worked and that he was in palliative care. "He has cancer?!" she asked. "Is he going to die?!" She hadn't heard a word I'd said in all those years.

So I didn't tell her about my current situation expecting any level of support. It was simply a matter of catching up and being honest about my situation instead of hiding it from my friends and family like I had been doing. I stupidly felt giving her minimal details would be fine. I could have predicted her response had I really thought about it, but I guess I wasn't prepared for her reply to induce all this questioning about the decisions we make in life, and the jolt of fear that I could possibly end up like her.

LexieCat

I know the things that disturb me the most about other people are those who exhibit the traits or behaviors I least like in myself.

Sometimes, when we can recognize that, thinking about their situation can shed light on our own.

If I try to view them with compassion it makes it easier for me to have compassion for myself.

LifeRecovery

I am going to gently call you on this.

If it were me I would have not been upset if I did not have an expectation going into it. If I was just being honest and did not care about the input from this person I would not have had strong feelings about it.

For me the emotions often come back to fear (usually of being out of control). I can totally relate to that.

It has taken me more practice then I care to admit to determine when I don't care about a response (and in many instances I don't talk to those people anymore) or to learn how to pick the correct people. I have only really started to figure it out in the last month to be honest.

fluffyflea

Good question Audrey1. I guess it happens until we deal with our merry go round and deal with our crap. The merry go round seems to go round and round until we learn whatever lesson.

redatlanta

I guess I have a different opinion here. Regardless of the mess of friend's life the advice she gave you was spot on. People can give good advice and not take it themselves.

I believe within this last week you wrote about your SO taking drugs and wondering if he was headed for a relapse with drinking. Is this the "we are doing well" that you described to your friend? Sorry, but it sounds like you told her what you wanted her to hear - it sounds like you wanted her to agree with you not give you her opinion.

Who better to advise you than an addict/alcoholic whom has been involved with the same.

If a friend of mine came to me and told me they were getting involved with someone who was actively recovered I would still have a lot to say as IT ISN'T EASY. Actively using I would tell them to run like hell.

Maybe "friend" actually cares about you and doesn't want to see you end up like her.

inpieces314

I think what upsets you is that you COULD be in her position. It's not physically that far away, although your mental states of mind are totally separate.

And two people in the same exact situation are not going to react the same way anyway, because they are two different people. I think she is jealous that you are moving in the right direction, not realizing the work and effort it took on your part, and how hard it was for you. Addicts always want.

I don't think it is you being mad at yourself, you are angry at her, and perhaps you should be, but she is also sick herself, and she needs help to realize the damage she is doing to herself, child, and everyone else around her.

thislonelygirl

Sounds like a miserable hypocrit to me.

firebolt

I'm kind of with redlanta on this one. I won't defend anyone's decisions - we all make the ones we see fit at the time, and God knows I have my own to worry about. But if she is really your friend, she cares about you a lot and doesn't want to see you go through hell.

That's a friend I want to have, and the type of friend I want to be - regardless of any hypocrisy I spew while trying to be that type of friend.

The best friends I have will let me know when my pants aren't flattering, If I should be spending money elsewhere, and if I'm making bad relationship choices, even if they are wearing spandex when they shouldn't be, spending the mortgage on shoes, or dating a lowlife themselves. Love those girls. Don't know where I'd be today without them.

What she said may feel hurtful and judgmental, only you can decide if it comes from a place of love, or contempt. I hope its the former!

Bigndfan175

why would you hang out or associate with this woman, that's a choice that is in your control. Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

lillamy

I saw one thing I wanted to comment on:
Mmm. You've tried to help her. Us codies are pretty good at that, eh?

If I were to venture a guess, she's triggering you because she's behaving just like your addict: You've spent so much time and energy trying to help her and she's not giving you anything back...

Just guessing, based on the fact that I've had to gothrough all my relationships that way. Who is in my life simply because I keep helping them and why are they in my life, then?

Audrey1

That's true, and I was just thinking about why I keep this woman in my life at all. She's managed to alienate a lot of people over the years so she's quite lonely. There is just so much negativity surrounding her, and I find it very difficult to deal with the fact that she never seems to put the interest of her child first. The last time I saw her, I was hit in the face with fumes the moment she opened the door. She and her father had been getting plastered all day. Her daughter, meanwhile, was left alone to colour while they continued to drink and swear about her mother (his wife). I sat with her daughter and tried to distract her from the drunken swearing in the next room, but had to leave when she, a small girl, decided to slap me in the face and swear at me! Wonder where she learned that from.

I suppose as a true friend (and a codependent), I never really thought I expected anything back from her. I always knew she was a selfish person. In fact, this was a running joke among her girlfriends. But I guess underneath I DID actually hope that after years of friendship she might have listened to at least one of the conversations I had had with her about something as significant as my late partner dying of cancer (for example). That one was really hard to swallow.

Guess I'm a slow learner.

LifeRecovery

I don't think you are slow....I read a whole lot of learning going on.

There is a running joke where I work about how I have "special friends." I have a lot of great friends too, but they don't consume a lot of my time and energy.

I started asking my mom, my childhood friends etc about this pattern in my life. Boy oh boy did I get a lot of feedback (it was all great).

Overall almost all the friendship I have had major conflict/growth with in my life have held a huge element of kicking my codependent behaviors in. For me it has been about calming the energy of the person in crisis (or rage) down. Their elevated energy and the work that went into calming them down allowed me to not look at my own stuff.

The relationships all had a slightly different flavor to them....except one how I was in them.

Good for you for working on this.