New year, new month, new hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
So I purdied myself up this morning - took a long hot shower, used some of my new hair products, and actually put on eyeliner and mascara this morning. Although I have to say, it was probably a bad choice to start wearing eye makeup right before my first Al Anon meeting...I bawled my eyes out! I'll be honest, it was weird. I'm from a very old-world family. This concept of being in a room of strangers and opening up and bawling is incredibly foreign to me. Yet these strangers were more understanding and supportive than anyone else I know!
I went to what seemed like a well-established Sunday morning Serenity Seekers group. I was greeted right away, and when I said it was my first time, another person came up to me - she said her heard me say it was my first meeting, so she welcomed me and gave me a book & some pamphlets. The meeting itself was pretty structured. There was an agenda to go through at the beginning - prayer/opening, reading of the steps, etc. And then it came to sharing time. There were many times during the opening parts & during the sharing of others that I got a bit teary. Many people paused to welcome me during their speaking turns. When it came my time to share, I barely got through a few words before I just lost it. I blubbered out a bit about needing to work on my recovery and work through my caretaking, obsessive compulsive, enabling, and codependent tendencies. I honestly don't remember exactly what I said, but I talked a bit and cried a lot during what seemed like an eternity but was probably less than a minute or two.
Afterwards, a couple different people came up to me to welcome me personally. One asked if she could give me a hug, and I willingly accepted. I'm not sure what it is about hugs that makes a person cry, but I think when you're on the verge of tears, a well-timed hug can just squeeze some more tears out of you! I cried some more, talked some more. I was given a contact list for the group and was encouraged by multiple people to just call...even if it was to just leave a voice mail & say, "I just feel this way and I needed to verbalize it, k, thanks, bye!"
Being the caretaker that I am, it was hard to accept so much support. But I need to learn to willingly accept it. Because I need it. I can't get this type of support and understanding from others in my family who are not living with this disease & the direct effects of having an alcoholic in their lives. Sure, my husband's family members are in their own type of pain, but I need to worry about my own pain and my own well being.
Even though I slept well last night, I am so tired from my cryfest and from the emotional outpouring (my own & others at the meeting). I had grand plans of doing so much today, but I am just going to do what I can. I finally sorted through the gigantic pile of mail and shredded a ton of stuff. I have a load of laundry in the washer. I am going to do some cooking tonight, but to give myself a well-needed break, I treated myself to a take-out lunch of chicken kabob sandwich and cheese-fries that I picked up after the meeting (one of my favorite gyro places is right across the street from this meeting place...this meet & eat may have to become a new Sunday tradition!).
I also had a good talk with my sister today. I told her that the daily phone calls from my mom are a bit much. My mother told her that she "just can't sleep at night without knowing that I'm home and that I'm safe." Wha? Seriously?! I'm freaking 37 years old! Am I that much of a lost case that I need to be checked upon on a daily basis to make sure that I survived the day?!
I shouldn't be surprised by any of this though, as this is typical from my mom. I told my sister about how I feel like mom is derailing me and bringing me down and putting me in bad position of having to defend myself, my husband, the disease, etc. My sister said that she is just angry. Took me a while to process that, because she just is angry at & bitter about so many things, but eventually the light bulb went off & I asked if mom was angry at my husband, and I got an affirmative from my sister. Harumph. My mother apparently things that "this all could have been avoided." Oh sure, like it's that easy! Like I could say, "Hey, there, diabetic person, try not to be diabetic today!" ARGH! I have tried my best to explain the disease model to my mother, but I can't make her get it. I just don't think she will. I do worry that she will hold onto that anger & hold a grudge. My sister offered to talk to her yet again - my sister has been stuck in the middle and has been "encouraging" my mother to lay off me (i.e., running interference on my behalf). But I told my sister that she didn't have to do that. It's not her job to do that. I don't want to put her in the middle, and I said that if I put her in that position, I am very sorry - it's not what I mean to do. I told her that if she wants to talk to mom, she can do what she wishes, but I certainly wasn't asking or expecting or wanting her to do so.
My mom just has this way of putting a weight on other people and pushing and pushing. She worries about everything and everyone, she holds onto anger, and her grudges are legendary. She even stopped talking to me and my sister for a month when she felt like we weren't being supportive enough of her. (Long story, but short version is that my sister told my mom to stop asking me to do so much for her in researching some family land in Europe...all on foreign websites in a foreign language that I don't understand...and keeping me on the phone for hours on end multiple times a week to explain my findings & to ask me to research more & more. I ended up researching almost three hundred - yes 300! - different plots of land & cross referencing the records in two separate foreign government systems.)
Anywho...she makes me feel like such a child and so out of control and so under her control...it's no wonder that I feel like I have to go out and try to control other things! You model what you learn. But what I need to now learn is how to not give her that power over me. Just like I cannot change my husband, I cannot change her either. I can just change myself and how I respond. If she's taking me down a path that I don't want to go down, I need to set my boundaries and stick to them, even if it means making up some excuse to get off the phone with her. I need to learn that I can't make her be supportive or understanding. I had hopes that she would be - at the beginning, she was shocked, then supportive & encouraging...and then it seemingly dissolved into her being angry & judgmental and overbearing (her usual MO). So now I have to filter what I say to her and just offer up what I feel like I can without feeling vulnerable and putting myself in a defensive position.
....speak of the devil, my mom just called as I was typing that last paragraph, lol! I kept the conversation light, and when she asked how yesterday went, I offered little details - just told her that husband is doing well, looks well, making good progress. Again, I used the dog to get off the phone when I felt like all the light topics had been covered and when I felt like I didn't want to go any deeper or more detailed. In closing the conversation my mom tossed out a "don't forget to eat!" comment, and I just ignored it and wished my parents a good evening & told them I loved them. Sigh. That was just 20 minutes, but it took a lot out of me.
So now I have a ton of literature to read, a movie on addiction to watch, a few chores to do, and a lot of work to do personally and interpersonally. I have to manage my expectations of myself and others, and I have to let other people be who they are. Whether it's my mom or my husband, I can't change them, but I can love them as they are and choose what I can accept in my life. For now, I just accept that the people who love me may not express it in the healthiest ways, but they love me, and I will do my best to interact with them in ways that are healthy for me. And I am appreciative of that love and of the fact that I've come to these realizations. I feel like I've come so far but still have so far to go...but there's always tomorrow and the next to continue my journey. Today, I am pleased with where I am, especially considering where I've been.
I went to what seemed like a well-established Sunday morning Serenity Seekers group. I was greeted right away, and when I said it was my first time, another person came up to me - she said her heard me say it was my first meeting, so she welcomed me and gave me a book & some pamphlets. The meeting itself was pretty structured. There was an agenda to go through at the beginning - prayer/opening, reading of the steps, etc. And then it came to sharing time. There were many times during the opening parts & during the sharing of others that I got a bit teary. Many people paused to welcome me during their speaking turns. When it came my time to share, I barely got through a few words before I just lost it. I blubbered out a bit about needing to work on my recovery and work through my caretaking, obsessive compulsive, enabling, and codependent tendencies. I honestly don't remember exactly what I said, but I talked a bit and cried a lot during what seemed like an eternity but was probably less than a minute or two.
Afterwards, a couple different people came up to me to welcome me personally. One asked if she could give me a hug, and I willingly accepted. I'm not sure what it is about hugs that makes a person cry, but I think when you're on the verge of tears, a well-timed hug can just squeeze some more tears out of you! I cried some more, talked some more. I was given a contact list for the group and was encouraged by multiple people to just call...even if it was to just leave a voice mail & say, "I just feel this way and I needed to verbalize it, k, thanks, bye!"
Being the caretaker that I am, it was hard to accept so much support. But I need to learn to willingly accept it. Because I need it. I can't get this type of support and understanding from others in my family who are not living with this disease & the direct effects of having an alcoholic in their lives. Sure, my husband's family members are in their own type of pain, but I need to worry about my own pain and my own well being.
Even though I slept well last night, I am so tired from my cryfest and from the emotional outpouring (my own & others at the meeting). I had grand plans of doing so much today, but I am just going to do what I can. I finally sorted through the gigantic pile of mail and shredded a ton of stuff. I have a load of laundry in the washer. I am going to do some cooking tonight, but to give myself a well-needed break, I treated myself to a take-out lunch of chicken kabob sandwich and cheese-fries that I picked up after the meeting (one of my favorite gyro places is right across the street from this meeting place...this meet & eat may have to become a new Sunday tradition!).
I also had a good talk with my sister today. I told her that the daily phone calls from my mom are a bit much. My mother told her that she "just can't sleep at night without knowing that I'm home and that I'm safe." Wha? Seriously?! I'm freaking 37 years old! Am I that much of a lost case that I need to be checked upon on a daily basis to make sure that I survived the day?!
I shouldn't be surprised by any of this though, as this is typical from my mom. I told my sister about how I feel like mom is derailing me and bringing me down and putting me in bad position of having to defend myself, my husband, the disease, etc. My sister said that she is just angry. Took me a while to process that, because she just is angry at & bitter about so many things, but eventually the light bulb went off & I asked if mom was angry at my husband, and I got an affirmative from my sister. Harumph. My mother apparently things that "this all could have been avoided." Oh sure, like it's that easy! Like I could say, "Hey, there, diabetic person, try not to be diabetic today!" ARGH! I have tried my best to explain the disease model to my mother, but I can't make her get it. I just don't think she will. I do worry that she will hold onto that anger & hold a grudge. My sister offered to talk to her yet again - my sister has been stuck in the middle and has been "encouraging" my mother to lay off me (i.e., running interference on my behalf). But I told my sister that she didn't have to do that. It's not her job to do that. I don't want to put her in the middle, and I said that if I put her in that position, I am very sorry - it's not what I mean to do. I told her that if she wants to talk to mom, she can do what she wishes, but I certainly wasn't asking or expecting or wanting her to do so.
My mom just has this way of putting a weight on other people and pushing and pushing. She worries about everything and everyone, she holds onto anger, and her grudges are legendary. She even stopped talking to me and my sister for a month when she felt like we weren't being supportive enough of her. (Long story, but short version is that my sister told my mom to stop asking me to do so much for her in researching some family land in Europe...all on foreign websites in a foreign language that I don't understand...and keeping me on the phone for hours on end multiple times a week to explain my findings & to ask me to research more & more. I ended up researching almost three hundred - yes 300! - different plots of land & cross referencing the records in two separate foreign government systems.)
Anywho...she makes me feel like such a child and so out of control and so under her control...it's no wonder that I feel like I have to go out and try to control other things! You model what you learn. But what I need to now learn is how to not give her that power over me. Just like I cannot change my husband, I cannot change her either. I can just change myself and how I respond. If she's taking me down a path that I don't want to go down, I need to set my boundaries and stick to them, even if it means making up some excuse to get off the phone with her. I need to learn that I can't make her be supportive or understanding. I had hopes that she would be - at the beginning, she was shocked, then supportive & encouraging...and then it seemingly dissolved into her being angry & judgmental and overbearing (her usual MO). So now I have to filter what I say to her and just offer up what I feel like I can without feeling vulnerable and putting myself in a defensive position.
....speak of the devil, my mom just called as I was typing that last paragraph, lol! I kept the conversation light, and when she asked how yesterday went, I offered little details - just told her that husband is doing well, looks well, making good progress. Again, I used the dog to get off the phone when I felt like all the light topics had been covered and when I felt like I didn't want to go any deeper or more detailed. In closing the conversation my mom tossed out a "don't forget to eat!" comment, and I just ignored it and wished my parents a good evening & told them I loved them. Sigh. That was just 20 minutes, but it took a lot out of me.
So now I have a ton of literature to read, a movie on addiction to watch, a few chores to do, and a lot of work to do personally and interpersonally. I have to manage my expectations of myself and others, and I have to let other people be who they are. Whether it's my mom or my husband, I can't change them, but I can love them as they are and choose what I can accept in my life. For now, I just accept that the people who love me may not express it in the healthiest ways, but they love me, and I will do my best to interact with them in ways that are healthy for me. And I am appreciative of that love and of the fact that I've come to these realizations. I feel like I've come so far but still have so far to go...but there's always tomorrow and the next to continue my journey. Today, I am pleased with where I am, especially considering where I've been.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Just keep eating and keep your strength up. I know it's easy to say as I've been under a lot of stress until my partner passed on last month. My friends all comfort eat but I just can't force food down and I lost 2 stone since October and am way under 8 stone now. Finally managed to get my appetite back and I feel so much stronger. Keep on in there and be strong for him as well as you. Patsy x
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by Patsy22 
Just keep eating and keep your strength up. I know it's easy to say as I've been under a lot of stress until my partner passed on last month. My friends all comfort eat but I just can't force food down and I lost 2 stone since October and am way under 8 stone now. Finally managed to get my appetite back and I feel so much stronger. Keep on in there and be strong for him as well as you. Patsy x
Weight-wise, sounds like we're in the same boat...and about the same weight, too! I've always been thin, but I'm at least 5-10 pounds lower than I'd like to be right now. Ideally, I should put on 15 pounds to really be at a good, healthy weight.
I don't eat when I'm stressed - I take such joy in food, and I'm much more of a "happy eater." What drives me crazy is that I have been actively trying to eat up a storm this last week and I actually LOST weight. ARGH! I've been trying to eat healthily and eat a lot, but the combination has me just not getting enough calories. I swear I burn off calories with worrying. Add in my fast metabolism, and that means I need to eat an inordinate amount of food for an extended period of time in order to pack on weight.
SO no more worrying about my cholesterol (thanks, mom, for the high cholesterol gene!) or fat intake or balanced diet for now. Chocolate bar as a snack? Sure! Twizzlers & buttery popcorn with my movie night yesterday? Hells yes! I also picked up some nutrient powder drink mix and am chugging that to sneak in some extra calories. Hopefully if I just pack enough in, I can trick my metabolism into lower gear & finally retain some weight and keep my energy up.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Well, I got a calorie tracking app and I'm finding that eating healthy & gaining weight are really hard to do at the same time! On the opposite end of the spectrum, dear husband told me this evening that he has put on 20 pounds while in rehab - ! When he comes home, the plan is to do workouts together...strength training & muscle building for me (so I don't bloob out if/when I gain weight) and aerobics for him to shed some of the rehab weight.
On a very positive note, I'm continuing to do well with setting boundaries with my mom. She called tonight, being very negative and woe-is-me. Yes, she's old & achy, but great googly moogly, she just goes on & on about "everything hurting." So I asked her if her nose hurt, if her butt hurt, if her cheek hurt, if her tongue hurt...no to all of those...so I told her to just stick her non-hurting tongue out at the parts of her that did hurt, lol! Even miss cranky pants had to giggle a little bit.
I did talk to my sister again today, and I asked her if she had talked to mom to ask her to lay off, and she did. Meh. Like I said before, it's her choice, but I again told her that she doesn't have to do that, not her job, etc.
Been doing a lot of cooking this week, too. Feels good to get back into the swing. And to not feel so tuckered out & demotivated. Don't get me wrong, I'm TIRED from keeping up the house & taking care of the dog & working & whatnot, but I'm pushing myself to keep moving instead of succumbing to inertia. I also got off my duff and took my car in for an oil change today - I was able to do a work from home day, so it was nice to sleep in a little bit & still get both the oil change done as well as some good focused work. I swear, I get two days worth of in-office work done in one stay at home day!
I had a minor triumph at a condo meeting this evening as well (I'm a reluctant member of the board, hooray). Our meetings are notoriously long & drawn out, usually lasting at least an hour if not an hour and a half. Since I wanted a little more ME time tonight, I came armed with an agenda, kept the meeting moving, and both the board meeting portion & the annual unit owners portion were done in a record 35 minutes, WOOHOO!
OH, and a bigger triumph on the work front - a major project that I've been working on went through a testing phase and passed with flying colors! Long story on the project, but in short, I had to configure a helpdesk support tracking system from the ground up so we could do a live demo starting next week. There were some comments in the feedback that I had to address, but most were situations where people were expecting behavior that weren't in the specifications or something was missing because, again, they weren't in the specifications they gave me.
So there you have it. All in all, a pretty damn good day. Now I'm going to reward myself with a snack and a good night's sleep.
On a very positive note, I'm continuing to do well with setting boundaries with my mom. She called tonight, being very negative and woe-is-me. Yes, she's old & achy, but great googly moogly, she just goes on & on about "everything hurting." So I asked her if her nose hurt, if her butt hurt, if her cheek hurt, if her tongue hurt...no to all of those...so I told her to just stick her non-hurting tongue out at the parts of her that did hurt, lol! Even miss cranky pants had to giggle a little bit.
I did talk to my sister again today, and I asked her if she had talked to mom to ask her to lay off, and she did. Meh. Like I said before, it's her choice, but I again told her that she doesn't have to do that, not her job, etc.
Been doing a lot of cooking this week, too. Feels good to get back into the swing. And to not feel so tuckered out & demotivated. Don't get me wrong, I'm TIRED from keeping up the house & taking care of the dog & working & whatnot, but I'm pushing myself to keep moving instead of succumbing to inertia. I also got off my duff and took my car in for an oil change today - I was able to do a work from home day, so it was nice to sleep in a little bit & still get both the oil change done as well as some good focused work. I swear, I get two days worth of in-office work done in one stay at home day!
I had a minor triumph at a condo meeting this evening as well (I'm a reluctant member of the board, hooray). Our meetings are notoriously long & drawn out, usually lasting at least an hour if not an hour and a half. Since I wanted a little more ME time tonight, I came armed with an agenda, kept the meeting moving, and both the board meeting portion & the annual unit owners portion were done in a record 35 minutes, WOOHOO!
OH, and a bigger triumph on the work front - a major project that I've been working on went through a testing phase and passed with flying colors! Long story on the project, but in short, I had to configure a helpdesk support tracking system from the ground up so we could do a live demo starting next week. There were some comments in the feedback that I had to address, but most were situations where people were expecting behavior that weren't in the specifications or something was missing because, again, they weren't in the specifications they gave me.
So there you have it. All in all, a pretty damn good day. Now I'm going to reward myself with a snack and a good night's sleep.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Had a good visit today. Went a bit early to take part in the family-of session, and part of me is a little disappointed that I did. The counselor that runs the family program is VERY 12-step oriented. When I mentioned that I had tried Al Anon and felt like it might not be a good fit for me & that I was more interested in trying Smart recovery since it's more scientific & less faith-based, he just didn't get it. He claimed that Al Anon was NOT faith-based, that it was about you picking god or your higher power as you saw him, and started to get very faith-y on me, as did the other family-of person (a mother of a client at the facility, who I'll just call "Jill" from here on out for brevity's sake) who was there today. Jill told me that there's no way we can get support from anyone else in our lives and that Jesus Christ was all that any of us can rely on and open up to fully and that without having something like that to believe in, we just can't do it - we have to have that faith, and our minds are just too tiny to navigate through life & troubles without it. Way to make an agnostic-leaning person feel like they're set up for failure - thanks, Jill! 
I think that any way you slice it, Al Anon simply is faith-based. It depends on you relinquishing to god or your higher power as you understand HIM. There's prayer. There's a very religious overtone to it all. Sure, it doesn't specifically name one religion, but it assumes heavily that you're a believer and from my perspective, there's very little to remove the faith & god aspect out of it...just a "as you understand Him" added in to remove the specific mentioning of a specific god/religion. I dunno. Maybe it's the 13 years of Catholic school that has me so sensitive to it, but I really feel like after that long of having religion pushed at me, I'm not too keen on getting more people telling me that I should have faith in a god because I HAVE to in order to get through this.
I'm particularly annoyed that the family counselor just continued to go on & on about Al Anon and didn't respect my position on it. After I say it's not feeling like it's a great fit for me, it's a bit irritating for him to keep recommending more Al Anon meetings. I just kinda gave up at that point. I wasn't going to convince him that I wanted to look into other options, and he wasn't going to be convinced that telling me to go to Al Anon wasn't what I was looking for or needing at this point.
Anywho, after the slightly annoying family session, I got to eat some lunch & have some time to sit & chat with my husband before our private session with his counselors. He gave me a letter that he wrote a couple days ago as part of an exercise in one of his sessions. Long story, but essentially, he had to write down important people/things/etc in his life & whittle down the list through a series of scenarios/questions posed, and then write a letter to the person left - that was me! (Aw, shucks!) It was supportive, communicative, forward-looking & introspective all at the same time. Seems like he's really connecting to himself again and the world around him & realizing what's important.
Our private session with the counselors was great. They coached us through making a plan for when he comes home. We're going to use a daily check-in/check-out technique (communicating goals & feelings at the beginning of the day, communicating feelings & successes & not-so-successes at the end of the day) to keep the communicating going between us, and one counselor advised that we perhaps start it now while he's still in rehab so that we have something stable and consistent to carry us through those first few days when he's home. GREAT suggestion. I feel like it will give us some structure and will be something to hold onto & prep us both for him coming home & out of the safety of the rehab environment.
We also talked about boundaries. My boundary is that I can't live with an active alcoholic and/or an alcoholic who's not working recovery. I don't like who I became. I lost me entirely. I lost site of taking care of myself. I would like to think that I'm making some progress, but I can't say that I'm sure I'm strong enough (or willing) to maneuver through a relapse with him in the home. Here's where the more experienced counselor showed just how damn good she is - she broke it down into chunks & steps. She suggested that we use one of AH's goals of honesty as part of it. If he gets back to the point where he's drinking & sneaking & hiding & lying, he will have a choice of finding someplace else to live or going back to rehab. If he's honest, then him coming to me honestly is the first step...as for what comes after that, I haven't quite worked through that part entirely, but it will involve communication between us & between him and his counselors/therapists on whether he needs to go through a detox, something more intensive than IOP, etc.; on "my side of the street" I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a slip or relapse where he's honest with me about it - I'm not used to that!
I'm also working on getting better with those phone calls with my mom. In general, I'm a lot more introspective and aware of myself, my needs, and how I communicate/interact with those around me. That awareness is empowering. Now I need to set specific goals for myself & identify the things I want so I can work towards them. For now, my goals are:
- gaining weight & making the physical me healthier;
- researching quitting smoking (still part of getting healthier but I'm only ready to THINK about quitting at this point!);
- going to more Smart Recovery online meetings & trying an in-person one in the next couple weeks;
- researching animal rescue volunteer opportunities that we can do together;
- finding more constructive & entertaining distractions for us both (i.e., getting out of the damn house since it's such a strong trigger for both of us - that's the "scene of the crime" for his drinking & lying & sneaking and for my enabling & controlling & whatnots);
- finally make contact with my advisor on finishing my masters;
- come up with a household to-do list & identify what I can let go of;
- figure out what else makes me happy & make a list of things I want to do for ME.
Not a bad list, if I do say so myself! As for whether I'll go back to Al Anon tomorrow, I'm a little on the fence. For tonight, I'm being lazy. I hit the supermarket on the way home from the visit, so I'm stocked up for the week. And I ate enough high calorie foods today that I'm pretty full and can still hit my calorie quota by just snacking my way through the evening or noshing on something out of the freezer (got my eye on a Kashi Southwest Chicken entree in there!). The only thing I have to do this evening that will take some effort is one more dog walk. Right now, I'm leaning towards just vegging out in front of the TV for a bit & taking it easy. Gonna follow the HALT method...I'm not hungry, nor angry, nor lonely, but I am a little tired, so imma give myself a rest!
I think that any way you slice it, Al Anon simply is faith-based. It depends on you relinquishing to god or your higher power as you understand HIM. There's prayer. There's a very religious overtone to it all. Sure, it doesn't specifically name one religion, but it assumes heavily that you're a believer and from my perspective, there's very little to remove the faith & god aspect out of it...just a "as you understand Him" added in to remove the specific mentioning of a specific god/religion. I dunno. Maybe it's the 13 years of Catholic school that has me so sensitive to it, but I really feel like after that long of having religion pushed at me, I'm not too keen on getting more people telling me that I should have faith in a god because I HAVE to in order to get through this.
I'm particularly annoyed that the family counselor just continued to go on & on about Al Anon and didn't respect my position on it. After I say it's not feeling like it's a great fit for me, it's a bit irritating for him to keep recommending more Al Anon meetings. I just kinda gave up at that point. I wasn't going to convince him that I wanted to look into other options, and he wasn't going to be convinced that telling me to go to Al Anon wasn't what I was looking for or needing at this point.
Anywho, after the slightly annoying family session, I got to eat some lunch & have some time to sit & chat with my husband before our private session with his counselors. He gave me a letter that he wrote a couple days ago as part of an exercise in one of his sessions. Long story, but essentially, he had to write down important people/things/etc in his life & whittle down the list through a series of scenarios/questions posed, and then write a letter to the person left - that was me! (Aw, shucks!) It was supportive, communicative, forward-looking & introspective all at the same time. Seems like he's really connecting to himself again and the world around him & realizing what's important.
Our private session with the counselors was great. They coached us through making a plan for when he comes home. We're going to use a daily check-in/check-out technique (communicating goals & feelings at the beginning of the day, communicating feelings & successes & not-so-successes at the end of the day) to keep the communicating going between us, and one counselor advised that we perhaps start it now while he's still in rehab so that we have something stable and consistent to carry us through those first few days when he's home. GREAT suggestion. I feel like it will give us some structure and will be something to hold onto & prep us both for him coming home & out of the safety of the rehab environment.
We also talked about boundaries. My boundary is that I can't live with an active alcoholic and/or an alcoholic who's not working recovery. I don't like who I became. I lost me entirely. I lost site of taking care of myself. I would like to think that I'm making some progress, but I can't say that I'm sure I'm strong enough (or willing) to maneuver through a relapse with him in the home. Here's where the more experienced counselor showed just how damn good she is - she broke it down into chunks & steps. She suggested that we use one of AH's goals of honesty as part of it. If he gets back to the point where he's drinking & sneaking & hiding & lying, he will have a choice of finding someplace else to live or going back to rehab. If he's honest, then him coming to me honestly is the first step...as for what comes after that, I haven't quite worked through that part entirely, but it will involve communication between us & between him and his counselors/therapists on whether he needs to go through a detox, something more intensive than IOP, etc.; on "my side of the street" I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a slip or relapse where he's honest with me about it - I'm not used to that!
I'm also working on getting better with those phone calls with my mom. In general, I'm a lot more introspective and aware of myself, my needs, and how I communicate/interact with those around me. That awareness is empowering. Now I need to set specific goals for myself & identify the things I want so I can work towards them. For now, my goals are:
- gaining weight & making the physical me healthier;
- researching quitting smoking (still part of getting healthier but I'm only ready to THINK about quitting at this point!);
- going to more Smart Recovery online meetings & trying an in-person one in the next couple weeks;
- researching animal rescue volunteer opportunities that we can do together;
- finding more constructive & entertaining distractions for us both (i.e., getting out of the damn house since it's such a strong trigger for both of us - that's the "scene of the crime" for his drinking & lying & sneaking and for my enabling & controlling & whatnots);
- finally make contact with my advisor on finishing my masters;
- come up with a household to-do list & identify what I can let go of;
- figure out what else makes me happy & make a list of things I want to do for ME.
Not a bad list, if I do say so myself! As for whether I'll go back to Al Anon tomorrow, I'm a little on the fence. For tonight, I'm being lazy. I hit the supermarket on the way home from the visit, so I'm stocked up for the week. And I ate enough high calorie foods today that I'm pretty full and can still hit my calorie quota by just snacking my way through the evening or noshing on something out of the freezer (got my eye on a Kashi Southwest Chicken entree in there!). The only thing I have to do this evening that will take some effort is one more dog walk. Right now, I'm leaning towards just vegging out in front of the TV for a bit & taking it easy. Gonna follow the HALT method...I'm not hungry, nor angry, nor lonely, but I am a little tired, so imma give myself a rest!
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I had initial "issues" when I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I didn't say much other than my name for the first two and chose to just listen and gain some information and put some structure in my day. I did come out feeling a little confused because each reading resulted in "Well that reading speaks for itself." I did think the open discussion is what I needed and finally did start to happen.
My Mom is similar. I am not sure if it is that generation (not a negative thing) that is pushy in that regard. I have noticed since my RAW first went to treatment that friends and families tend to gloss over the issues that non alcoholic or addict families face (every relationship has ups and downs, not just ours). I too had to set some boundries; for instance f I don't bring up an issue I don't need you to pick the scab off to dig info out of me. It has helped me a lot as we continue to heal working our programs.
I am glad to hear that things are improving. On Demand, Netflix and Food helped me during the RAW's rehab stay. I learned that HALT is not something that the A has sole propriety over.
Stay rested
My Mom is similar. I am not sure if it is that generation (not a negative thing) that is pushy in that regard. I have noticed since my RAW first went to treatment that friends and families tend to gloss over the issues that non alcoholic or addict families face (every relationship has ups and downs, not just ours). I too had to set some boundries; for instance f I don't bring up an issue I don't need you to pick the scab off to dig info out of me. It has helped me a lot as we continue to heal working our programs.
I am glad to hear that things are improving. On Demand, Netflix and Food helped me during the RAW's rehab stay. I learned that HALT is not something that the A has sole propriety over.
Stay rested
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Celia, your previous posts concentrating on your Mum sounded familiar to me because my own Mum was a passive/aggressive/controlling person, her behaviour masking deep insecurity. My sister and I made an agreement some years ago that we would not relay messages to and from her via each other. She used to say something to one of us and know that the 'message' would be passed on. If she was mad with one of us she would have to tell us directly.
If you establish boundaries with her directly she may be mad with you for a while, but she will soon get the message, and feel better within herself knowing you are capable of
coping. If her phone calls are interfering with your down time, can you ask her directly to limit her calls to once or twice a week?
If you establish boundaries with her directly she may be mad with you for a while, but she will soon get the message, and feel better within herself knowing you are capable of
coping. If her phone calls are interfering with your down time, can you ask her directly to limit her calls to once or twice a week?
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Originally Posted by Robh850
I had initial "issues" when I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I didn't say much other than my name for the first two and chose to just listen and gain some information and put some structure in my day. I did come out feeling a little confused because each reading resulted in "Well that reading speaks for itself." I did think the open discussion is what I needed and finally did start to happen.
My Mom is similar. I am not sure if it is that generation (not a negative thing) that is pushy in that regard. I have noticed since my RAW first went to treatment that friends and families tend to gloss over the issues that non alcoholic or addict families face (every relationship has ups and downs, not just ours). I too had to set some boundries; for instance f I don't bring up an issue I don't need you to pick the scab off to dig info out of me. It has helped me a lot as we continue to heal working our programs.
I am glad to hear that things are improving. On Demand, Netflix and Food helped me during the RAW's rehab stay. I learned that HALT is not something that the A has sole propriety over.
Stay rested
My Mom is similar. I am not sure if it is that generation (not a negative thing) that is pushy in that regard. I have noticed since my RAW first went to treatment that friends and families tend to gloss over the issues that non alcoholic or addict families face (every relationship has ups and downs, not just ours). I too had to set some boundries; for instance f I don't bring up an issue I don't need you to pick the scab off to dig info out of me. It has helped me a lot as we continue to heal working our programs.
I am glad to hear that things are improving. On Demand, Netflix and Food helped me during the RAW's rehab stay. I learned that HALT is not something that the A has sole propriety over.
Stay rested
And I love your scab-picking analogy. I'll pick my own scabs (or not), thank you very much. I know (or at least hope) it comes from a good place, but it doesn't make it feel any better. When it came to my mom telling me I had to go to a conference when I didn't ask her opinion, I had to tell her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore and that I'd stressed enough about it. I had to tell her this at least 2-3 times and ended up having to just end the conversation. I know she loves me. I know she wants to be supportive. But I also know she doesn't quite know how to do it in a loving and supportive and positive way. But that's her own journey and her own burden. I have enough burdens of my own and I'm going to work my journey as I see fit & try to not let others knock me off my path.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Celia, your previous posts concentrating on your Mum sounded familiar to me because my own Mum was a passive/aggressive/controlling person, her behaviour masking deep insecurity. My sister and I made an agreement some years ago that we would not relay messages to and from her via each other. She used to say something to one of us and know that the 'message' would be passed on. If she was mad with one of us she would have to tell us directly.
If you establish boundaries with her directly she may be mad with you for a while, but she will soon get the message, and feel better within herself knowing you are capable of
coping. If her phone calls are interfering with your down time, can you ask her directly to limit her calls to once or twice a week?
If you establish boundaries with her directly she may be mad with you for a while, but she will soon get the message, and feel better within herself knowing you are capable of
coping. If her phone calls are interfering with your down time, can you ask her directly to limit her calls to once or twice a week?
As for directly verbalizing boundaries with her? Ugh. I'm not sure that it's worth the drama it would cause - she would see it as a personal attack on her, rather than a boundary I need to set for me. She is so sensitive and internalizes pain and makes it physical. She's always had some sort of health issues, and now she's suffering pretty badly from Labrythitis, which she's been struggling with for a couple years now - it comes & goes, but when it comes, she's dizzy & nauseous & can't travel or feel stable in the least. (Think Lucille 2 on Arrested Development, minus the laughs and good attitude!) At this point, I'm just encouraging her to go back to her doctors & see if she can get back into physical therapy to help her. Telling her that I need my space would be seen as a personal attack and a slight against her and would surely spiral her deeper. I can't let myself get trapped by that. At least for now, I have to just keep my boundaries as my own and communicate them to myself and try to stick to them.
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I decided to skip the Al Anon meeting today. I'm just tired. While the personal session with husband and the counselors was great yesterday, it was emotionally draining. I was going to go, but honestly...call me stubborn, but when I told the family session counselor yesterday that it may not be a good fit & he repeatedly told me to go, it just made me not want to go! Besides, when I told my husband that I would likely skip this meeting, he told me that I had been doing a lot of work, and it was good to hear it - some sort of validation that gave me the warm fuzzies. Even his counselors could see that I have come a long way in the last couple weeks. So I'm going to take the day off from heavy personal introspection work.
I spent the morning lazing about - slept in, walked the dog, had some breakfast, trolled the interwebs looking for deals on winter coats (since my go-to long wool coat has seen better days).
I have to go out to return a couple things I bought yesterday. I purchased a resistance band set, but it's missing a part...and I got a couple good "wrinkles be gone!" type lotions that I THOUGHT were on sale half off, but when I looked closely at the receipt this morning, I saw that they came up full price, grr. I also want to go to Target & pick up some more snacks and check the clearance racks for clothes. That plus some cleaning & organizing & cooking are all that are on my must-do list for the day. I should have plenty of time for my want-to-do list. Given how tired I am right now, I may put a nap on that want list!
I spent the morning lazing about - slept in, walked the dog, had some breakfast, trolled the interwebs looking for deals on winter coats (since my go-to long wool coat has seen better days).
I have to go out to return a couple things I bought yesterday. I purchased a resistance band set, but it's missing a part...and I got a couple good "wrinkles be gone!" type lotions that I THOUGHT were on sale half off, but when I looked closely at the receipt this morning, I saw that they came up full price, grr. I also want to go to Target & pick up some more snacks and check the clearance racks for clothes. That plus some cleaning & organizing & cooking are all that are on my must-do list for the day. I should have plenty of time for my want-to-do list. Given how tired I am right now, I may put a nap on that want list!
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Well, it's just two days until my husband comes home. He was initially scheduled to come home today, so I took the day off...but he decided to stay two extra days (so he wouldn't be all by himself at home for two days straight out of rehab), and I decided to keep my day off for me. My manager has invited me to not one but TWO meetings today and wanted me to call in for them. I didn't even respond. It's mah day off! I have an appointment all day with me.
The dog let me sleep in until almost 8 (!). I leisurely made some coffee & had breakfast. I've been perusing the forums/posts here. I'll take a shower & clean up & cook & whatnot this afternoon/evening. For now, I'm just reveling in the fact that it's approaching noon and I'm comfy in my jammies.
So on the topic of dear husband coming home. Um. Yeah. I'm excited and apprehensive and scared and and and... I'm trying to avoid being all caretaker-like, and so far, so good. I can't take the day off on Friday to pick him up during the daytime, and when he suggested that I work all day, pick up the dog from daycare, and then drive through rush hour traffic clear across town with the dog in the car all the way down to pick him up, I politely declined. Told him I can't do that to the dog, or to myself, since the pup will WHIIIIIIIIINE the whole way down & back up again. (Now that the dog is mostly deaf, he whines nearly constantly in the car on the way home.) With rush hour traffic, I'd be in the car for at least 1.5-2 hours (and that's being conservative for Friday rush hour traffic in Chicago), whiny dog in tow. Um, no. I suggested that he do what other folks there have done when they leave rehab - have someone from the rehab center drive him to our house the day before to pick up the car so he can drive back to the center & then drive himself home. Or he can take a cab. Worst case scenario, I can pick him up later in the evening, when I've already taken care of the dog & when the worst of the traffic has passed. I just can't and won't do what he asked.
I want to try to plan some fun things for us to do this weekend. We can't fall back into our old pattern of sitting around and doing nothing - it's not good for either of us recovery-wise. We can run errands together, maybe I can get a haircut. Maybe we can go out to dinner and/or see a movie. Anything but do what we did before, which was nothing.
I've also been doing pretty well with my mom these last few days. Largely because I'm taking the focus off me in our conversations and putting the focus elsewhere - yes, somewhat of a caretaker attitude, but it's also a self-preservation thing & my own personal boundary that I just don't want to talk details about my situation & my own recovery with her. I did some research on her condition - labyrinthitis - and found some great info that I shared with her. Granted, she can be dramatic and quite the martyr, but she really does have a diagnosed balance condition that is difficult to deal with and as the School House Rock theme song used to say, "knowledge is power!" I sent her a couple books on the condition - one from the perspective of someone who lived through it, and another two books that explain the condition from a more medical perspective. I read her stories from two "survivors" that run a support website so she could hear that there are others out there going through the same thing & that they are able to live happy, normal lives since they are working their recovery. OH MY GOD, the "work your own recovery" theme just spills into everything, doesn't it?! I even busted out the "if you're going through hell, keep going" and "nothing changes if nothing changes" lines to my mom. I encouraged her to DO something about her condition and not just wallow in it. I swear, I can hear a difference in her since we talked about it this weekend. She sounds lighter. She is encouraged. She has busted out her therapy binder and is working through her exercises that she got from her physical therapist when she first started having these balance issues. I don't expect her to completely change. I just wanted to help her see that there are tools for change and to give her access to the tools IF she wants to change.
OH, and I am buying my plane tickets today to go see my nephew for his birthday. I'm so excited! Since my mom is having issues with travelling due to the balance episode she's going through now, my sister's family is coming to my parents house for the boy's "family party." I'm going to be the surprise guest, just waiting there when he comes in. I think he may explode. At the very least, I'm going to have to peel him off me. And I'm very much looking forward to it. Husband will be left by himself for that weekend - he'll have been home for a week at that point. He's working with his counselors on an action plan to keep him focused. I'll of course be a bit worried about what's going on at home while I'm gone, but I can't let that keep me from doing what I want - FINALLY for the first time in well over a decade, going on a trip by myself. Now that I think about it, this will only be the second time that I've ever gone out on my own and left him behind, and the first time ever that I've left the dog entirely in his care. It's just two days. I think the dog and I will survive.
I completely spaced and missed the Smart Recovery online family meeting on Monday night, so I'm a little bummed about that. But I'm working it, day by day. Being reflective. Being aware & trying to change the things that I need to change. Visiting SR. Doing research. Eating up a storm. (It's borderline perverse the amount of food I'm eating.) I may be taking it one step at a time, but I'm still taking steps.
The dog let me sleep in until almost 8 (!). I leisurely made some coffee & had breakfast. I've been perusing the forums/posts here. I'll take a shower & clean up & cook & whatnot this afternoon/evening. For now, I'm just reveling in the fact that it's approaching noon and I'm comfy in my jammies.
So on the topic of dear husband coming home. Um. Yeah. I'm excited and apprehensive and scared and and and... I'm trying to avoid being all caretaker-like, and so far, so good. I can't take the day off on Friday to pick him up during the daytime, and when he suggested that I work all day, pick up the dog from daycare, and then drive through rush hour traffic clear across town with the dog in the car all the way down to pick him up, I politely declined. Told him I can't do that to the dog, or to myself, since the pup will WHIIIIIIIIINE the whole way down & back up again. (Now that the dog is mostly deaf, he whines nearly constantly in the car on the way home.) With rush hour traffic, I'd be in the car for at least 1.5-2 hours (and that's being conservative for Friday rush hour traffic in Chicago), whiny dog in tow. Um, no. I suggested that he do what other folks there have done when they leave rehab - have someone from the rehab center drive him to our house the day before to pick up the car so he can drive back to the center & then drive himself home. Or he can take a cab. Worst case scenario, I can pick him up later in the evening, when I've already taken care of the dog & when the worst of the traffic has passed. I just can't and won't do what he asked.
I want to try to plan some fun things for us to do this weekend. We can't fall back into our old pattern of sitting around and doing nothing - it's not good for either of us recovery-wise. We can run errands together, maybe I can get a haircut. Maybe we can go out to dinner and/or see a movie. Anything but do what we did before, which was nothing.
I've also been doing pretty well with my mom these last few days. Largely because I'm taking the focus off me in our conversations and putting the focus elsewhere - yes, somewhat of a caretaker attitude, but it's also a self-preservation thing & my own personal boundary that I just don't want to talk details about my situation & my own recovery with her. I did some research on her condition - labyrinthitis - and found some great info that I shared with her. Granted, she can be dramatic and quite the martyr, but she really does have a diagnosed balance condition that is difficult to deal with and as the School House Rock theme song used to say, "knowledge is power!" I sent her a couple books on the condition - one from the perspective of someone who lived through it, and another two books that explain the condition from a more medical perspective. I read her stories from two "survivors" that run a support website so she could hear that there are others out there going through the same thing & that they are able to live happy, normal lives since they are working their recovery. OH MY GOD, the "work your own recovery" theme just spills into everything, doesn't it?! I even busted out the "if you're going through hell, keep going" and "nothing changes if nothing changes" lines to my mom. I encouraged her to DO something about her condition and not just wallow in it. I swear, I can hear a difference in her since we talked about it this weekend. She sounds lighter. She is encouraged. She has busted out her therapy binder and is working through her exercises that she got from her physical therapist when she first started having these balance issues. I don't expect her to completely change. I just wanted to help her see that there are tools for change and to give her access to the tools IF she wants to change.
OH, and I am buying my plane tickets today to go see my nephew for his birthday. I'm so excited! Since my mom is having issues with travelling due to the balance episode she's going through now, my sister's family is coming to my parents house for the boy's "family party." I'm going to be the surprise guest, just waiting there when he comes in. I think he may explode. At the very least, I'm going to have to peel him off me. And I'm very much looking forward to it. Husband will be left by himself for that weekend - he'll have been home for a week at that point. He's working with his counselors on an action plan to keep him focused. I'll of course be a bit worried about what's going on at home while I'm gone, but I can't let that keep me from doing what I want - FINALLY for the first time in well over a decade, going on a trip by myself. Now that I think about it, this will only be the second time that I've ever gone out on my own and left him behind, and the first time ever that I've left the dog entirely in his care. It's just two days. I think the dog and I will survive.
I completely spaced and missed the Smart Recovery online family meeting on Monday night, so I'm a little bummed about that. But I'm working it, day by day. Being reflective. Being aware & trying to change the things that I need to change. Visiting SR. Doing research. Eating up a storm. (It's borderline perverse the amount of food I'm eating.) I may be taking it one step at a time, but I'm still taking steps.
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Wow just read this whole thread. CONGRATULATIONS on having SO many positive changes going on right now - I am jealous! You are making a lot of steps in the right direction. I hope you enjoy your last couple days of flying solo, and the days that follow his return are exciting, fun and HEALTHY!! PS - pretty sure we have the same mom...you're handling it very well! OH and have fun with your nephew!!
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Good luck with the homecoming!
I'd suggest going easy with the "fun things" planned for the weekend. He's been in a controlled, concentrated environment for a few weeks, and will probably need to just decompress a bit. He might not feel like doing much.
Just an odd little analogy (maybe comparable in some ways, maybe not). When I graduated from law school, my parents were living in Hawaii. They gave me the option of their coming out for my graduation, or flying my husband and me out there to visit after the bar exam. Needless to say, I told them I would miss them at graduation!
Now, studying for the bar is a time of INTENSE pressure. I was taking the bar in two states, going to a bar review course, and studying in between. It's a huge deal because if you don't pass you have to wait six months to re-take it.
So I get through three days of bar exams, have a couple of days off, and then fly from the east coast to Hawaii (long, long trip, enormous jet-lag). My mom couldn't WAIT to show me Hawaii, and it had been about three years since I had seen my folks. She had all these things planned for us to do, and all I wanted to do was to sleep and veg out for the first few days.
She was terribly hurt, we had a huge argument, she cried (one of the handfuls of time I've ever seen my mom actually cry), and although we made up and had fun for the rest of the trip, it really got things off to an awful start. (I still feel bad about it today because I only saw her a few more times before she died from a recurrence of cancer.)
So I guess what I am trying to say is that even if he would like to please you, he may not be up for too much STUFF right away. I'm just warning you so you aren't terribly disappointed if he isn't. Of course, maybe he WILL want to do fun stuff and you will have a great weekend. I just don't want you to be too disappointed by your own expectations.
I'd suggest going easy with the "fun things" planned for the weekend. He's been in a controlled, concentrated environment for a few weeks, and will probably need to just decompress a bit. He might not feel like doing much.
Just an odd little analogy (maybe comparable in some ways, maybe not). When I graduated from law school, my parents were living in Hawaii. They gave me the option of their coming out for my graduation, or flying my husband and me out there to visit after the bar exam. Needless to say, I told them I would miss them at graduation!
Now, studying for the bar is a time of INTENSE pressure. I was taking the bar in two states, going to a bar review course, and studying in between. It's a huge deal because if you don't pass you have to wait six months to re-take it.
So I get through three days of bar exams, have a couple of days off, and then fly from the east coast to Hawaii (long, long trip, enormous jet-lag). My mom couldn't WAIT to show me Hawaii, and it had been about three years since I had seen my folks. She had all these things planned for us to do, and all I wanted to do was to sleep and veg out for the first few days.
She was terribly hurt, we had a huge argument, she cried (one of the handfuls of time I've ever seen my mom actually cry), and although we made up and had fun for the rest of the trip, it really got things off to an awful start. (I still feel bad about it today because I only saw her a few more times before she died from a recurrence of cancer.)
So I guess what I am trying to say is that even if he would like to please you, he may not be up for too much STUFF right away. I'm just warning you so you aren't terribly disappointed if he isn't. Of course, maybe he WILL want to do fun stuff and you will have a great weekend. I just don't want you to be too disappointed by your own expectations.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Wow just read this whole thread. CONGRATULATIONS on having SO many positive changes going on right now - I am jealous! You are making a lot of steps in the right direction. I hope you enjoy your last couple days of flying solo, and the days that follow his return are exciting, fun and HEALTHY!! PS - pretty sure we have the same mom...you're handling it very well! OH and have fun with your nephew!!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Good luck with the homecoming!
I'd suggest going easy with the "fun things" planned for the weekend. He's been in a controlled, concentrated environment for a few weeks, and will probably need to just decompress a bit. He might not feel like doing much.
...
So I guess what I am trying to say is that even if he would like to please you, he may not be up for too much STUFF right away. I'm just warning you so you aren't terribly disappointed if he isn't. Of course, maybe he WILL want to do fun stuff and you will have a great weekend. I just don't want you to be too disappointed by your own expectations.
I'd suggest going easy with the "fun things" planned for the weekend. He's been in a controlled, concentrated environment for a few weeks, and will probably need to just decompress a bit. He might not feel like doing much.
...
So I guess what I am trying to say is that even if he would like to please you, he may not be up for too much STUFF right away. I'm just warning you so you aren't terribly disappointed if he isn't. Of course, maybe he WILL want to do fun stuff and you will have a great weekend. I just don't want you to be too disappointed by your own expectations.
I'm going to come up with some options and let him decide what he wants to do. He already said that he wants to take stock of his clothes & do some shopping this weekend - to fit his now more full figure, to get a bit of a change, and to pick up some exercise gear so we can start working out together. We talked about maybe going bowling or going to see a movie or going to dinner. I think what we do will have to depend on his energy level and what he's comfortable with doing or where he's comfortable going once he's home.
Thanks again...I can't express enough how good it is to get the wisdom & support from you & others on this site.
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So less than 24 hours until he's home. EEP! Wishing I was feeling better today physically - ended up with a monster headache, probably because I was stupid last night and ate a bunch of twizzlers, which I should NOT have done given my stupid TMJ issues. Oh well, not much I can do about that now. Gonna take some more ibuprofen and hope that it gets better.
Tonight, I'm just going to take it easy - eat the last of my leftovers, relax, do a light chore or two, and that's about all I can handle. If I'm up to it later, I will finish gathering up my tax docs & will hit up the SR Family & Friends online meeting (GREAT idea, by the way!). It's going to be my last quiet evening by myself and I want to try to take advantage of it, headache or not.
On a plus note, the dog got a fabulous and long overdue grooming today - he looks so handsome! He a floof-monster and gets crazy toe-hawks between his toes & pads, and the groomer did an amazing job "finding his feet" again. His feet look sooooo tiny now with all that extra floof trimmed off. It's going to be so much easier to get his bad-weather booties on now.
K, I'm off to dose up on ibus & do some of that relaxing...I'll be sure to check back in to update on the homecoming.
Tonight, I'm just going to take it easy - eat the last of my leftovers, relax, do a light chore or two, and that's about all I can handle. If I'm up to it later, I will finish gathering up my tax docs & will hit up the SR Family & Friends online meeting (GREAT idea, by the way!). It's going to be my last quiet evening by myself and I want to try to take advantage of it, headache or not.
On a plus note, the dog got a fabulous and long overdue grooming today - he looks so handsome! He a floof-monster and gets crazy toe-hawks between his toes & pads, and the groomer did an amazing job "finding his feet" again. His feet look sooooo tiny now with all that extra floof trimmed off. It's going to be so much easier to get his bad-weather booties on now.
K, I'm off to dose up on ibus & do some of that relaxing...I'll be sure to check back in to update on the homecoming.
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Well, he's home! It didn't quite go as planned though - he didn't schedule the cab earlier in the day, and the cab company was over an hour late & not promising they could come get him at all, so I ended up driving home, feeding the dog, and then going right back out to pick him up. Kinda irritated about that part, but glad to have him home. The dog FREAKED OUT when he came in the door - first time I saw the dog speechless for a moment, lol! He's actually out walking the dog right now, and it's fantastic to get a night off after a month of doing it on my own.
We'll do some shopping tomorrow during the day and he's hitting a meeting in the evening. Other than that, no major plans just yet. Gonna play the weekend by ear.
So there you have it. Got through the first couple hours unscathed, and so far, it hasn't been quite as weird as I thought it would be. He's doing well, I'm doing well, and the dog is pleased to have his pack together again.
We'll do some shopping tomorrow during the day and he's hitting a meeting in the evening. Other than that, no major plans just yet. Gonna play the weekend by ear.
So there you have it. Got through the first couple hours unscathed, and so far, it hasn't been quite as weird as I thought it would be. He's doing well, I'm doing well, and the dog is pleased to have his pack together again.
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So far, so good. Had a good day today. I didn't coddle him, I didn't hover. This morning, we did a check-in technique that he was using in rehab - communicated what our goals were for the day, what our high/low was for the last 24 hours, how we're feeling, and what our mantra for the day is. GREAT technique.
The morning was good. He walked the dog (WOOHOO), we ate breakfast - I made mine, and he made his. He admitted that he had a trigger flashback moment when he went to put some change into the change jar & saw some dollar bills in there...in the past, he'd snatch those up & go buy booze. He started on his gobs of laundry that he brought home from rehab. He walked the dog again, and we went out to do some shopping & to eat a late lunch.
He went out to an AA meeting tonight, held at his rehab facility. I'm resisting the urge to go check the change jar to see if those dollar bills are still there - SO hard, but I have to just let him succeed or fail on his own...it will happen whether or not I check on him. I'm sure that if I check and if some are missing and if I confront him, he would say that he needed to bring some money as a donation for the AA meeting...and I'd have a hard time believing him, whether or not that would be true. I'm just not going to go there. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself, hopefully I stay strong!)
With the house to myself this evening, I'm taking it easy. I have another monster headache, so I'm going to take a nice relaxing hot bath & slap a face mask on to try to melt it away. Hell, even if I didn't have a headache, I deserve it!
The morning was good. He walked the dog (WOOHOO), we ate breakfast - I made mine, and he made his. He admitted that he had a trigger flashback moment when he went to put some change into the change jar & saw some dollar bills in there...in the past, he'd snatch those up & go buy booze. He started on his gobs of laundry that he brought home from rehab. He walked the dog again, and we went out to do some shopping & to eat a late lunch.
He went out to an AA meeting tonight, held at his rehab facility. I'm resisting the urge to go check the change jar to see if those dollar bills are still there - SO hard, but I have to just let him succeed or fail on his own...it will happen whether or not I check on him. I'm sure that if I check and if some are missing and if I confront him, he would say that he needed to bring some money as a donation for the AA meeting...and I'd have a hard time believing him, whether or not that would be true. I'm just not going to go there. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself, hopefully I stay strong!)
With the house to myself this evening, I'm taking it easy. I have another monster headache, so I'm going to take a nice relaxing hot bath & slap a face mask on to try to melt it away. Hell, even if I didn't have a headache, I deserve it!
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OH MAH GAH, he's CLEANING! Who is this man? Lol!
Seriously though, I'm so happy to report that the weekend is going well. Pretty low key. We exercised for a bit this morning (him more so than me). He went to AA, I did some food shopping, we ate lunch, and now he's cleaning the bathroom - EEEEEE! We have yet to sit down and make a household to do list, but I think we should do that so the chores can be more evenly divided (read: not the way it was with everything done by me). There are certain things that I will want to hold onto, like grocery shopping & the bills, but I don't care so much about the rest. And the fact that he is doing the bathroom after I just asked him once this morning to help clean today is amazing. (And I will try my best to not care if he misses a spot or leaves streaks on the mirror!) He's also done all the dog walking since he got home. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog, but I welcome the break from having to bundle up & trudge through the neighborhood.
Tomorrow night, I'm going to make a point to hit the Smart Recovery online meeting. I missed last week and regretted it, but I put a repeating reminder on my phone so I won't forget moving forward.
Oh, and I am also happy to report that I resisted the urge to look in our change jar to see if those dollar bills are still there. I put some more change in there this afternoon, but I didn't count the bills. Sounds small, but HUGE thing for me.
Seriously though, I'm so happy to report that the weekend is going well. Pretty low key. We exercised for a bit this morning (him more so than me). He went to AA, I did some food shopping, we ate lunch, and now he's cleaning the bathroom - EEEEEE! We have yet to sit down and make a household to do list, but I think we should do that so the chores can be more evenly divided (read: not the way it was with everything done by me). There are certain things that I will want to hold onto, like grocery shopping & the bills, but I don't care so much about the rest. And the fact that he is doing the bathroom after I just asked him once this morning to help clean today is amazing. (And I will try my best to not care if he misses a spot or leaves streaks on the mirror!) He's also done all the dog walking since he got home. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog, but I welcome the break from having to bundle up & trudge through the neighborhood.
Tomorrow night, I'm going to make a point to hit the Smart Recovery online meeting. I missed last week and regretted it, but I put a repeating reminder on my phone so I won't forget moving forward.
Oh, and I am also happy to report that I resisted the urge to look in our change jar to see if those dollar bills are still there. I put some more change in there this afternoon, but I didn't count the bills. Sounds small, but HUGE thing for me.
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