Avalon393

Does he really and truly believe he is cured? Is he really as fearless in this new path as he claims to be? Or are these just statement made to try and convince ME of it? I am having a hard time believing that someone could sit in those meetings day in and day out for 2 years, admitting that they are powerless of their addiction and then one day at the drop of a hat say they are "cured". I am just baffled by it. Truly, I never in my wildest dreams could have predicted this. He was so strong and involved in his program, meetings, and sponsor. If I even bring it up I am quickly shut down with a statement that the past is over. Also-is it normal for his sponsor to just stop contacting and holding him accountable months before he even relapsed? I am just wishing i could throw a big party and invite all of his sober friends and sponsor over to talk some sense into him. I am just having a full blown day of confusion and desperation. missing our old life and the man he used to be. felt stronger yesterday. thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

dollydo

He is quacking, he is using pot and most likely drinking. He is NOT cured, he is not in recovery. Please accept the truth.

Work on you, get to some Alanon meetings, read everything you can about codependency. Get your life together, take off your rose colored glasses and stop focusing on him.

You have your entire life ahead of you, do you really want to spend it babysitting an addict? Take care of you.

fluffyflea

Yes probably he believes it.

suki44883

Didn't he just the other day smoke a bunch of pot and bring home a bunch of beer with the roommate?

This guy isn't serious about anything except doing exactly what he wants to do, which is drink beer and smoke pot.

You are smarter than this and you deserve better.

thislonelygirl

I believe they tell you this in aa. Its a life long disease. Aa is meant to help and deal with cravings but not cure. Sadly along with his sponsor and follow aa members no one can simply talk him to chamge his mind. He has to do that himself much like the first time.
Alot of addicts go without for so long they feel they can now "handle" or "control" it and relapse.
I know its painful but he needs to figure it out for himself hopefully he learns quick

redatlanta

His relapse started long before the day he drank beer and smoked pot. They don't just wake up one day in active recovery and say I am cured - they stop actively recovering first. Then their Alcoholic/addict voice starts whispering to them. The voice grows stronger as they pull further and further away from recovering. They stop going to meetings so much, don't hang with their AA buddies, stop talking to their sponsor.

His sponsor didn't ditch him - he ditched his sponsor. The sponsor spotted the tale tell signs long before you had a clue.

Does he believe he is cured? Who knows. He probably did before he used again. Now - he doesn't care what you call it. His old friend is back ......and he couldn't be happier.

This will progress. It will get worse and sorry, there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop him.

You can help yourself though. Get to Al ANON - You need it desperately.

Sorry for what you are going through - been there done that.

Freedom1990

Alcoholism is a disease that tells us alcoholics we don't have a disease.

Avalon393

Redatlanta-that is actually EXACTLY how everything worked out. I just totally had a laugh at myself thinking "how did they know that?" I think I have a lot to learn still and even more to accept. It is just hard to think that he is going to have to hit yet another rock bottom. I thought a full blown heroin addiction, jail time, felony charges, and betraying his whole family would be quite enough for him. And at this point I would probably physically pay someone money to get this voice out of my head saying that there is still time and Something I can do to stop this. I feel like I've swallowed a whole bottle of crazy pills.

CeciliaV

Have to agree here - he may believe it and he may be trying to convince himself, but he's not cured. There is no cure for alcoholism. It's a disease that can be managed with treatment.

It's unfortunate that he's fallen out of touch with his sponsor. Do you know for certain that his sponsor stopped contacting him? One thing I learned for certain is that A's lie.

I stopped asking where "bottom" is a long time ago. It's very scary to think how much further someone can go before they hit their bottom. I have to agree with what others here have said & say you need to focus on you more than on him. (Still learning that one myself!)

I wish you the best - sending you strength & hope & hugs! :ghug3

redatlanta

Avalon- I missed the red flag that my 10 years sober AH was relapsing. It was a simple sentence. "I have been thinking lately about social drinking". I definitely whipped my head around, but we talked about it and he changed his mind and said he was just saying it.

He said it several more times over a couple months. I stopped paying attention. I just thought it was him almost saying something like I would say "I just want to kill myself" - more to express that I was irritated not serious - being dramatic.

How wrong I was. By the time he was verbalizing it he had already been thinking it for months. Later he was saying it AND he was actually doing it I just didn't know. By the time it became obvious he was drinking he had already decided he was no longer an alcoholic. I knew he was drinking for 2 months before he admitted it.

The whole relapse from start to finish was a year and half with about 5 months of that being active drinking with me only being aware 2 of those 5. I know this because in our talks he told me it was the previous year that he started just to think about drinking again.

In September last year when I joined I didn't know squat about alcoholism. I had thought about what to do if he ever relapsed - I honestly imagined it that he would go on a weekend bender, come to me admitting he needed help, and we would go hand in hand off to AA.

Stay on here and post often. Read through people's stories - click on their threads from start to finish. Join Al Anon. You will get it, just takes time.

AngelBabe

Avalon393,
Put down the crazy pills and just think of this. Do you want to spend the next days, months or even years of your life waiting for this bottom to happen or for some light bulb to turn on? Do you want to spend each day creating a new thread detailing the ongoing usage and abuse he continues to live in all while you are being torn apart by it.

It is time to put on your big girl panties and make a change. Is this your apartment? Are you the main person on the lease or a secondary. Is the BF on the lease? I believe you previously stated you were the only one working? If so you hold all the cards to your life.

Time to stop being a door mat my dear. It hurts, yes indeed and will for awhile but just be thankful you are not married to this person of have kids with him. You have the right to say that you will not tolerate drinking and or drugging in your home period. Call the cops if you have to.

As a wife of a former drug and alcohol addict and a drunk myself (how do you think that happened. If you can't beat them join them is what happened there) I basically spent 8 yrs being a human door mat. Everyone has there breaking point and you will have yours.
He didn't want to get sober and does not want to be sober. The only reason he did what he did as far as rehab/ AA etc. was to save his azz from going to jail. I would bet money on it. He's living large right now that he got that monkey off his back. Now all he has to do is convince you and he'll be home free.

Please be smarter than that. If he wants you he will do whatever he needs to do to fix himself and hope that one day you may give him another chance. I just don't see that happening in your current situation unless you lay all your cards on the table and make him make the choice. On one side of the table put a picture of the two of you and on the other put a joint and a six pack of beer. He has to choose one or the other. I bet you know what that choice already is though.

Just remember don't waste your time today trying to fix something that is broken and will only let you down again. Take this time to get you back so you can be the best you can be when the right one does come along.:ghug3