New - detaching from my marriage

Old 02-01-2013, 11:18 AM
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New - detaching from my marriage

Hi, I'm a new member. I'm a former user myself, been in therapy for 18 months and currently off all substances except caffeine. I have been married 10 years, with him for 15. We have been substance abusers together for our entire relationship. He has cut back but doesn't admit he has a problem and does not want to address it any further than cutting back. He has made several short attempts at individual therapy but quits after one or two sessions. We have been attending joint counseling since October. Today our counselor suggested individual therapy for him and he balked and said he'd cut back and he had other priorities but finally agreed to attend. I don't believe his heart is in it. We have followed a cycle of deciding to split up, almost splitting up, wait no let's stay together, honeymoon period where I go back to using for a few weeks, then I pull myself together and detach from him and the relationship, rinse and repeat. This has happened 4 times over the last year. I think I am as addicted to the roller coaster as I was to the substances. I need to protect myself. I don't know how to be sober with him using and I don't want to be drunk with him anymore and with those two options gone, what other option is there? Thanks for listening, glad to be here.
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Old 02-01-2013, 01:17 PM
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box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Sounds like the relationship is jeopardizing you abstaining from said substances.
Indibidual counseling is the best thing for yall. No matter what stay clean and sober for you and dont let anyone bring you down. I hope for you things turn around
But it sounds like you are going iin the right direction and your partner sadly may never take car of you
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Old 02-02-2013, 09:19 AM
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Welcome to SR! I hope you stick around and keep reading here - sounds like you could use some extra support. Congrats on your sobriety - now would be a good time to try Al-Anon as a means to learn to detach from your husband so you don't get sucked into the vortex again right along with him.

Keep coming back,
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Old 02-02-2013, 07:56 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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My suggestion is to throw yourself into recovery from addiction with all your heart and soul. Attend meetings several times a week, get a sponsor and be serious about doing 12-Step work with that person, volunteer for service (make the coffee, set up the chairs), and make friendships with other people in the groups who are SERIOUS about working a recovery program to save themselves. People are who ready to do whatever it takes and to work the program thoroughly.

If your AH stays home and gets high while you are at the meetings, let him do that. Do not lecture, beg, manipulate, guilt, or shame him into changing. It does not work and it makes you sick. Let him use. Work your recovery like it is a full-time job.

You are in early sobriety and have not yet put together a full year sober--if I read your post right-- so you might not be quite ready for Al-Anon. I am not sure about it but that is my feeling. What I have heard is that alcoholics are all over the place emotionally in the first year of recovery work and that it is better to get the sobriety issues stable and then follow that with work on the relationship issues and personal growth in Al-Anon. Some may disagree with me on this. But my concern is that addiction is far more life-threatening for you than codependency is today, and I would love to see you save your life before you try to save your marriage.

Your AH may not find sobriety until he finds a very deep and very painful bottom. This is most often the way it is. If you step out of his way and if you work your recovery so as not to engage with him in using, he might find that bottom sooner than later.

We are happy to help you with your boundaries or anything else that is a challenge in your relationship with your AH. Welcome to the forum! You are worthy of a healthy life.
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Old 02-03-2013, 06:10 AM
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Location: South Jersey
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I agree that protecting your own sobriety is number one. But if you ask around at meetings, you are likely to find other members who are "double winners" (AA and Al-Anon), some of whom may have gotten sober while living with a partner who still drinks. Spending some time talking with them about how they handled it would be worthwhile.
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