How do I respond to my AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
How do I respond to my AH
Hello everyone,
I joined a few days ago and have had a lot of good information from you all so far.. so thanks!
Now that I have realised that I can't help my AH I have started to back off from him when he is drunk. What I am not sure is how to handle him when he is very drunk late at night. At around 1:00am (and this can go on till 4:00 am) last night he was still up drinking and as usual was very loud, banging around downstairs and waking the whole family up.
I am not sure how to approach him to tell him to be quiet, as normally I would say something along the lines of "ssshh you are going to wake the baby up and the girls, please be quiet and keep the noise down" He always shouts back at me with: "I AM BEING QUIET... just beep beep off". Then starts slamming doors and so on.
I've tried talking to him when he is sober and he just dismisses it and denies he is causing havoc. So he thinks I am just nagging him, but it is a serious problem as we are all exhausted because of the lack of sleep due to his drinking.
I really don't know how to handle him and it's really unfair on my family who are up early with school, my baby Grandson, university etc.
Any ideas or suggestions would be really great.
Thanks in advance.
I joined a few days ago and have had a lot of good information from you all so far.. so thanks!
Now that I have realised that I can't help my AH I have started to back off from him when he is drunk. What I am not sure is how to handle him when he is very drunk late at night. At around 1:00am (and this can go on till 4:00 am) last night he was still up drinking and as usual was very loud, banging around downstairs and waking the whole family up.
I am not sure how to approach him to tell him to be quiet, as normally I would say something along the lines of "ssshh you are going to wake the baby up and the girls, please be quiet and keep the noise down" He always shouts back at me with: "I AM BEING QUIET... just beep beep off". Then starts slamming doors and so on.
I've tried talking to him when he is sober and he just dismisses it and denies he is causing havoc. So he thinks I am just nagging him, but it is a serious problem as we are all exhausted because of the lack of sleep due to his drinking.
I really don't know how to handle him and it's really unfair on my family who are up early with school, my baby Grandson, university etc.
Any ideas or suggestions would be really great.
Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Carmie - You have answered your own question. If you talk to him sober it is denied. If you talk to him drunk he gets louder, obnoxious, calls you names and slams doors.
The answer is: you cannot control the drunk person. The drunk person will do whatever they want, when they want, and does not care how it affects anyone else. In the throes of alcoholism there is only one thing they care about - BOOZE.
Your husband is proving this to you nightly.
There is an answer on how to control your life and the lives of others affected by your husband's alcoholism.
Until your husband decides (if he chooses) to seek sobriety your choices are as follows: Continue to live this way with every person's life being interrupted by the alcoholic OR choose not to live with the alcoholic anymore.
Have you been to Al Anon? It would so you a world of good. Keep posting and educating yourself - more will be along to comment.
The answer is: you cannot control the drunk person. The drunk person will do whatever they want, when they want, and does not care how it affects anyone else. In the throes of alcoholism there is only one thing they care about - BOOZE.
Your husband is proving this to you nightly.
There is an answer on how to control your life and the lives of others affected by your husband's alcoholism.
Until your husband decides (if he chooses) to seek sobriety your choices are as follows: Continue to live this way with every person's life being interrupted by the alcoholic OR choose not to live with the alcoholic anymore.
Have you been to Al Anon? It would so you a world of good. Keep posting and educating yourself - more will be along to comment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Carmie - You have answered your own question. If you talk to him sober it is denied. If you talk to him drunk he gets louder, obnoxious, calls you names and slams doors.
The answer is: you cannot control the drunk person. The drunk person will do whatever they want, when they want, and does not care how it affects anyone else. In the throes of alcoholism there is only one thing they care about - BOOZE.
Your husband is proving this to you nightly.
There is an answer on how to control your life and the lives of others affected by your husband's alcoholism.
Until your husband decides (if he chooses) to seek sobriety your choices are as follows: Continue to live this way with every person's life being interrupted by the alcoholic OR choose not to live with the alcoholic anymore.
Have you been to Al Anon? It would so you a world of good. Keep posting and educating yourself - more will be along to comment.
The answer is: you cannot control the drunk person. The drunk person will do whatever they want, when they want, and does not care how it affects anyone else. In the throes of alcoholism there is only one thing they care about - BOOZE.
Your husband is proving this to you nightly.
There is an answer on how to control your life and the lives of others affected by your husband's alcoholism.
Until your husband decides (if he chooses) to seek sobriety your choices are as follows: Continue to live this way with every person's life being interrupted by the alcoholic OR choose not to live with the alcoholic anymore.
Have you been to Al Anon? It would so you a world of good. Keep posting and educating yourself - more will be along to comment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Can you video tape any of his behaviors?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I used to worry that the XA would set the house or himself on fire, or both......
On more than one occasion, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette in his hand or mouth..... Not to mention him burning up my beautiful area rug, (which I saved for 6 months to purchase).
Other times he would be in the kitchen banging cupboard doors and pots and pans. and what a great time to crank the Bose and sing along....... NOT.
You are correct, it's exhausting.
When my inner voice started talking to me, I did not like what I was hearing. Is your your inner voice talking to you ?
Sending you support.
On more than one occasion, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette in his hand or mouth..... Not to mention him burning up my beautiful area rug, (which I saved for 6 months to purchase).
Other times he would be in the kitchen banging cupboard doors and pots and pans. and what a great time to crank the Bose and sing along....... NOT.
You are correct, it's exhausting.
When my inner voice started talking to me, I did not like what I was hearing. Is your your inner voice talking to you ?
Sending you support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
It is impossible to rationalize with a drunk person. Sadly, even when they are sober, our As will do what they do best, deny deny deny. You aren't going to get the shocked "Wow I didn't realize I was so loud, I'm sorry and it won't happen again" that you would get from someone without a drinking problem.
I would try video taping and showing it to him sober. You can try sitting him down with everyone and letting everyone tell him how his late drunk nights are effecting everyone (this might just make him shut down and be even more angry). There is also the option of calling the cops everytime he gets too loud and that would make him accountable for his actions. Besides that, the only other thing I can suggest is tell him he has to leave. There comes a point where one person is effecting everyone else so much that the only solution is to tell him to leave.
I hope you can make some progress, I can't imagine being kept up all night and then waking up the next day and having to function. Ear plugs could be a temporary solution, but I'm not sure how small children would do with that and obv. a baby can't use them.
Sorry I don't have a better answer for you
I would try video taping and showing it to him sober. You can try sitting him down with everyone and letting everyone tell him how his late drunk nights are effecting everyone (this might just make him shut down and be even more angry). There is also the option of calling the cops everytime he gets too loud and that would make him accountable for his actions. Besides that, the only other thing I can suggest is tell him he has to leave. There comes a point where one person is effecting everyone else so much that the only solution is to tell him to leave.
I hope you can make some progress, I can't imagine being kept up all night and then waking up the next day and having to function. Ear plugs could be a temporary solution, but I'm not sure how small children would do with that and obv. a baby can't use them.
Sorry I don't have a better answer for you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by marie1960
I used to worry that the XA would set the house or himself on fire, or both......
On more than one occasion, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette in his hand or mouth..... Not to mention him burning up my beautiful area rug, (which I saved for 6 months to purchase).
Other times he would be in the kitchen banging cupboard doors and pots and pans. and what a great time to crank the Bose and sing along....... NOT.
You are correct, it's exhausting.
When my inner voice started talking to me, I did not like what I was hearing. Is your your inner voice talking to you ?
Sending you support.
On more than one occasion, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette in his hand or mouth..... Not to mention him burning up my beautiful area rug, (which I saved for 6 months to purchase).
Other times he would be in the kitchen banging cupboard doors and pots and pans. and what a great time to crank the Bose and sing along....... NOT.
You are correct, it's exhausting.
When my inner voice started talking to me, I did not like what I was hearing. Is your your inner voice talking to you ?
Sending you support.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Agree w8th others.
You cant control how loud he gets or how he behaves or that he drinks for that fact.
Sorry there just arent any magic words. I wish there were and like you suffered in sleep
Because of my ah's drinking....he would get loud slamming things around or try waking me up at odd hours because he cant find something or wants to talk.
He has woken up our toddler countless times then padsing out and im up tired and upset.
Its abosolute horrible but it is sobreity or leave.
Theres nothing else that can be done. Its he makes a choice or you do
You cant control how loud he gets or how he behaves or that he drinks for that fact.
Sorry there just arent any magic words. I wish there were and like you suffered in sleep
Because of my ah's drinking....he would get loud slamming things around or try waking me up at odd hours because he cant find something or wants to talk.
He has woken up our toddler countless times then padsing out and im up tired and upset.
Its abosolute horrible but it is sobreity or leave.
Theres nothing else that can be done. Its he makes a choice or you do
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by marie1960
I used to worry that the XA would set the house or himself on fire, or both......
On more than one occasion, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette in his hand or mouth..... Not to mention him burning up my beautiful area rug, (which I saved for 6 months to purchase).
Other times he would be in the kitchen banging cupboard doors and pots and pans. and what a great time to crank the Bose and sing along....... NOT.
You are correct, it's exhausting.
When my inner voice started talking to me, I did not like what I was hearing. Is your your inner voice talking to you ?
Sending you support.
On more than one occasion, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette in his hand or mouth..... Not to mention him burning up my beautiful area rug, (which I saved for 6 months to purchase).
Other times he would be in the kitchen banging cupboard doors and pots and pans. and what a great time to crank the Bose and sing along....... NOT.
You are correct, it's exhausting.
When my inner voice started talking to me, I did not like what I was hearing. Is your your inner voice talking to you ?
Sending you support.
Too have I been concerned over the same.
Luckily the falling asleep with a cigarette never happened
But upsetting we dont smoke inside and when he drinks hell sometimes leave the door wide open to have a smoke outside letting the ac oyt and the smoke in
Irritating!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
Agree w8th others.
You cant control how loud he gets or how he behaves or that he drinks for that fact.
Sorry there just arent any magic words. I wish there were and like you suffered in sleep
Because of my ah's drinking....he would get loud slamming things around or try waking me up at odd hours because he cant find something or wants to talk.
He has woken up our toddler countless times then padsing out and im up tired and upset.
Its abosolute horrible but it is sobreity or leave.
Theres nothing else that can be done. Its he makes a choice or you do
You cant control how loud he gets or how he behaves or that he drinks for that fact.
Sorry there just arent any magic words. I wish there were and like you suffered in sleep
Because of my ah's drinking....he would get loud slamming things around or try waking me up at odd hours because he cant find something or wants to talk.
He has woken up our toddler countless times then padsing out and im up tired and upset.
Its abosolute horrible but it is sobreity or leave.
Theres nothing else that can be done. Its he makes a choice or you do
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
If possible try not to say anything and see what happens.
QUOTE=Carmie01;3800334]Hello everyone,
I joined a few days ago and have had a lot of good information from you all so far.. so thanks!
Now that I have realised that I can't help my AH I have started to back off from him when he is drunk. What I am not sure is how to handle him when he is very drunk late at night. At around 1:00am (and this can go on till 4:00 am) last night he was still up drinking and as usual was very loud, banging around downstairs and waking the whole family up.
I am not sure how to approach him to tell him to be quiet, as normally I would say something along the lines of "ssshh you are going to wake the baby up and the girls, please be quiet and keep the noise down" He always shouts back at me with: "I AM BEING QUIET... just beep beep off". Then starts slamming doors and so on.
I've tried talking to him when he is sober and he just dismisses it and denies he is causing havoc. So he thinks I am just nagging him, but it is a serious problem as we are all exhausted because of the lack of sleep due to his drinking.
I really don't know how to handle him and it's really unfair on my family who are up early with school, my baby Grandson, university etc.
Any ideas or suggestions would be really great.
Thanks in advance.[/QUOTE]
If possible try not to say anything and see what happens.
QUOTE=Carmie01;3800334]Hello everyone,
I joined a few days ago and have had a lot of good information from you all so far.. so thanks!
Now that I have realised that I can't help my AH I have started to back off from him when he is drunk. What I am not sure is how to handle him when he is very drunk late at night. At around 1:00am (and this can go on till 4:00 am) last night he was still up drinking and as usual was very loud, banging around downstairs and waking the whole family up.
I am not sure how to approach him to tell him to be quiet, as normally I would say something along the lines of "ssshh you are going to wake the baby up and the girls, please be quiet and keep the noise down" He always shouts back at me with: "I AM BEING QUIET... just beep beep off". Then starts slamming doors and so on.
I've tried talking to him when he is sober and he just dismisses it and denies he is causing havoc. So he thinks I am just nagging him, but it is a serious problem as we are all exhausted because of the lack of sleep due to his drinking.
I really don't know how to handle him and it's really unfair on my family who are up early with school, my baby Grandson, university etc.
Any ideas or suggestions would be really great.
Thanks in advance.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by Carmie01
Thanks for replying. Someone suggested that yesterday so maybe it's a thought to try tonight. Even though he drinks a lot every night he actually ramps it up at the weekend maybe I will tonight... ugh
The main reason that I recorded my AH wasn't because he discounted or denied that he was an alcoholic or because he felt his behavior was fine. I did it because I thought he really needed to see just what he'd become. It was powerful, but he did still keep drinking (but he did just go into rehab voluntarily and I think that this was just one small contributing factor).
While I wouldn't advocate recording for all A's, it can be a very powerful way to really show the A who they become when they drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Carmie01
At around 1:00am (and this can go on till 4:00 am) last night he was still up drinking and as usual was very loud, banging around downstairs and waking the whole family up.
I am not sure how to approach him to tell him to be quiet, as normally I would say something along the lines of "ssshh you are going to wake the baby up and the girls, please be quiet and keep the noise down" He always shouts back at me with: "I AM BEING QUIET... just beep beep off". Then starts slamming doors and so on.
I am not sure how to approach him to tell him to be quiet, as normally I would say something along the lines of "ssshh you are going to wake the baby up and the girls, please be quiet and keep the noise down" He always shouts back at me with: "I AM BEING QUIET... just beep beep off". Then starts slamming doors and so on.
Originally Posted by redatlanta
The answer is: you cannot control the drunk person. The drunk person will do whatever they want, when they want, and does not care how it affects anyone else. In the throes of alcoholism there is only one thing they care about - BOOZE.
Originally Posted by marie1960
I used to worry that the XA would set the house or himself on fire, or both......
I hope you decide what you are willing to live with and soon. This is no life, especially for your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Maylie
Besides that, the only other thing I can suggest is tell him he has to leave. There comes a point where one person is effecting everyone else so much that the only solution is to tell him to leave.
When mine was drunkenly singing loudly, banging stuff around and setting stuff on fire and waking us all up at 2am he denied that he was. According to him, he was simply "enjoying his music". and I was a b*tch from hell for begging him to be quiet, please keep it down and eventually STFU! Because, how dare I try to stop someone who was simply "enjoying their music"? HOW DARE I !!!! How damn INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH can one woman be?!!!!
He never even considered that me and the kids could not "enjoy our sleep" or function at work and school the day after because of his drunken behavior.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by CeciliaV
I did this with my AH, but in my situation, I talked to him about it during a sober period beforehand. He was cool with it. I recorded him during his next stupor, and I told him the next day that there were some videos on his phone that he needed to see. They were hard for him to watch, but he did watch them.
The main reason that I recorded my AH wasn't because he discounted or denied that he was an alcoholic or because he felt his behavior was fine. I did it because I thought he really needed to see just what he'd become. It was powerful, but he did still keep drinking (but he did just go into rehab voluntarily and I think that this was just one small contributing factor).
While I wouldn't advocate recording for all A's, it can be a very powerful way to really show the A who they become when they drink.
The main reason that I recorded my AH wasn't because he discounted or denied that he was an alcoholic or because he felt his behavior was fine. I did it because I thought he really needed to see just what he'd become. It was powerful, but he did still keep drinking (but he did just go into rehab voluntarily and I think that this was just one small contributing factor).
While I wouldn't advocate recording for all A's, it can be a very powerful way to really show the A who they become when they drink.
I lost my nerve last night to video him. Maybe tonight I will. Maybe if he sees how bad he gets it may give him food for thought. I hope things work out for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
[QUOTE=Lulu39;3801665]I'm sorry you are living like this. Mine used to do the same. I had to make him leave.
Thanks Lulu for replying. I've asked him to move out but he has refused. Also there are a lot of signifcant factors why he won't go, home office, debts etc.
I'm trying to find a solution on how I can afford to support running another home on my own, not easy though as I presently work for my hubby.
I'm sorry to hear you've gone through the same experience. Hope you are well.
Thanks Lulu for replying. I've asked him to move out but he has refused. Also there are a lot of signifcant factors why he won't go, home office, debts etc.
I'm trying to find a solution on how I can afford to support running another home on my own, not easy though as I presently work for my hubby.
I'm sorry to hear you've gone through the same experience. Hope you are well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by Lulu39
That turned out to be my only solution.
When mine was drunkenly singing loudly, banging stuff around and setting stuff on fire and waking us all up at 2am he denied that he was. According to him, he was simply "enjoying his music". and I was a b*tch from hell for begging him to be quiet, please keep it down and eventually STFU! Because, how dare I try to stop someone who was simply "enjoying their music"? HOW DARE I !!!! How damn INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH can one woman be?!!!!
He never even considered that me and the kids could not "enjoy our sleep" or function at work and school the day after because of his drunken behavior.
When mine was drunkenly singing loudly, banging stuff around and setting stuff on fire and waking us all up at 2am he denied that he was. According to him, he was simply "enjoying his music". and I was a b*tch from hell for begging him to be quiet, please keep it down and eventually STFU! Because, how dare I try to stop someone who was simply "enjoying their music"? HOW DARE I !!!! How damn INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH can one woman be?!!!!
He never even considered that me and the kids could not "enjoy our sleep" or function at work and school the day after because of his drunken behavior.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
In the "Do's & Don'ts" of Al Anon, we learn "Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic." There are probably a few reasons for this - that their insanity prevents you from being right, that they will twist whatever you say and use it to hurt you, that they can become angry and violent.
My uncle who is 30 years sober, and the one who "made me" go to Al Anon, said that the best thing is to just not talk, don't give anything to him that would be ammunition. As far as the keeping you awake goes, this is a hard one...I feel so much for your kids and your baby grandson. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
My uncle who is 30 years sober, and the one who "made me" go to Al Anon, said that the best thing is to just not talk, don't give anything to him that would be ammunition. As far as the keeping you awake goes, this is a hard one...I feel so much for your kids and your baby grandson. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
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