Please - need advice
 

I received a call about 45 minutes ago from the sheriffs office. My EXAG got arrested today for DUI at 4 pm. $500 cash bond - she will be released after midnight. Cash is not an issue. But should I bail her out or leave her in? I am so not familiar with the legal system, I do not know what will happen to her. Apparently she blew a .311. If I bail her out I am afraid she will not hit bottom. If I do not bail her out, I am feeling like I am being a sh!t friend.

Please help - what am I supposed to do?

sorry to hear that :( I'm certainly no expert, but I would say not. Let her deal with the consequences. Not an easy thing to do.

Let her be. Sometimes being a friend means not doing what is easy, but doing what is right.

Shakespeare said "True compassion is ruthless". To me that means it is better to call things exactly as they are because then the truth can be faced.

Google Wikipedia "blood alcohol content". Halfway down the page is a chart of what different blood alcohol levels means in terms of physical symptoms.

With a BAC of .30 to .39, here are the physical consequences:

Severe central nervous system depression
Unconsciousness
Death is possible


Problems with:
Bladder function
Breathing
Dysequilibrium
Heart rate

My STBXAH went to the ER in June by ambulance with a BAC of .329

I thought he was dying in the restaurant before the ambulance came, and the people around him thought so too. He went into a coma, but the ER revived him.

He said he wasn't an alcoholic, but I gave him the wikipedia chart so he would know how close to death he was.

As profoundly difficult as it is, I think your AGF's alcoholism is at a very scarey point; my AH got above my pay grade to be able to help.

Best to you in this terrible situation, keep us posted.

ShootingStar1

Good lord--.311 is practically comatose for the average person.

Leave her where she is. The jail will be obligated to make sure she safely detoxes. Unless you want to be sucked right back into nursing her back to health, hearing more promises, only to be victimized again.

I agree with the others........... leave her to figure it out............ so sorry you are dealing with this..............

No. Do not bail her out.

You cannot control when and if she hits bottom. If you didn't know her, would you be worried about bailing her out? Nope.

You would be a better friend letting her actually feel the consequence of her actions.

You are supposed to do what you were doing before you got the phone call.

I would not bail her out.... I am sorry you have to deal with this but if this doesn't wake her a$$ up , nothing will.

:c011:

Yes, definitely you don't want to deal with the detox, it could also be dangerous if she DT's apart from medical care

It's tempting to rescue because we want to save others from their consequences and protect them, but experience is the best teacher, if she's going to hit her personal "rock bottom" this may help her get there, which would actually be being a very GOOD friend (though they may try to punish you for not helping them, because they want enablers to stay enablers)

ok Crazed, Bailing her out does not make you a "good/better" friend.

You are going to do exactly what you have been doing for the last 13 years, and guess what? You are going to get the exact SAME INSANITY, that you have been living for the past 13 years. I really think you like it.......

I am beginning to believe you do not want recovery for her, because then you will be misplaced. You will no longer be her knight in shining armor running to save his intoxicated princess. The sponsor says no contact and within 24 hours you are pounding on her door . YOUR actions truly say something other than your words..

And the single most important thing i learned here...... its actions not words, crazed!!

And your actions are disturbing, therefore......

I'm out........

^^^^^^^^ a bit harsh, but true. You are not the person she should be calling. She has a sponsor. You are supposed to be no contact. It's up to you to make that happen. I know it's hard to do when you want so badly to make her life better, but she is actively sabotaging it. She needs to figure out how to stop doing that, and she will only understand when she feels the consequences. Jail is not the worst thing that could happen to her.

Hugs, Crazed.

Fathom

Actually, if I were her sponsor and I got a call from the jail telling me she was locked up after blowing a .311, I'd tell them to tell her to call me when she gets out.

Thank you all. Marie - thank you for calling me on my sh!t.

I have disconnected all phones. I have turned off my cell.

And to think my birthday is in about 1 hour- at the time she could be released if I pay bail.

This truly sucks.

Yes. My point is her sponsor will have a reasonable response for her based on experience and understanding of the situation. A Codie response is all emotion, and unhelpful in this case.

Crazed, it's your birthday soon! Make it about you! She's the one who will be having a bad day tomorrow, but that's for her and her HP to take care of. You are not obligated to have a crappy day too. So, don't let that happen!

:day1

More hugs,
Fathom

I agree with everyone else, Crazed. If you bail her out, you are robbing her of an opportunity to finally hit her rock bottom. That isn't love or being a good friend. It's just disease: yours as well as hers. She sounds really out of control right now. Let her disease run its own course without your codependency getting mixed up in it. And have faith in what everyone outside the situation is objectively telling you. Try to have faith in her too. She can probably save herself if you let her. **

Give yourself the best gift ever.........JUST SAY NO.............

No more bullsh*t, no more drama, no more lies, no more denial, no more manipulation, And NO MORE OTHER MEN!!!!
Happy Birthday, friend.

Crazed... same answer, different angle.

This is the first night since you two split up where you don't need to worry about her safety. Fun? Not so much... but she is safe in the cell and it'd be good for her to wake up there. Go fetch her while she's that wasted and she will have forgotten the whole thing.

I almost killed Poh trying to keep her from landing on her behind and enabling... thank goodness that she is safe and sound and did not kill anyone.

:day1

Dude, see, you turned a year older and got wiser like they promised us would happen - you didn't run in to fix a problem that isn't yours. THEY can manage her fine, if you had picked her up while she was still hammered your night and day tomorrow would go to sh-t in an instant. Seriously - you know you can't 'manage' her when she is drunk, they can, she is safe and sound... that's a win.

She your EXAGF....right?
 

Absolutely not your problem and bailing her out will just drag you back down to her level.

After reading all these comments, it sure sounds as though going 100% NO CONTACT would be best for both of you.

If anything let her sit on it awhile . Let her eober up at the least or ie detox
She needs to get a clean head and see where shes at. What she did to put herself there.
If you run to save her she will more than likely deny how sever it is like alcoholics do

My EXAG

You said EXAG