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Update; he's home

Old 02-04-2013, 05:40 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
About 7 years ago my AH stopped initiating sex. He said that he didn't want to force or coerce me to do anything I didn't want to do, you know because I was a rape victim. He complained that I turned him down too often. Well, heck yes I did. I had a child who ran me ragged all day and housework(I had to have a perfect house so he didn't have anything to complain about) and I was tired. He would sit on the couch from about 3 PM to 11 PM and not help me with dinner preparation or clean up, not help me get our son ready for bed with bathtime or storytime, and he'd sit there and get angry that I was too tired for sex. Honestly, a lot of that is my fault because I didn't nag him to help me but he made it clear that his fiance(an older woman he dated before me for 5 years) was a nag and that he didn't care for that quality in a woman. So, I tried to negotiate and made some helpful suggestions regarding our sex life.

But, instead of taking my cue about trying to put sex on a schedule and plan it into our week, he decided to get all passive aggressive about it and place the ball in my court. He told me that sex will ALWAYS be initiated by ME, not by him anymore. Honestly, our sex life was so crazy weird like that before the drinking started that it's another piece of baggage I have to sort through in therapy. And, he loves to blame my rape when it's convenient for him.
Sounds like sex has been a real tug of war in your relationship.

Asking for help isn't nagging. Nagging someone for help - is nagging we all know the difference.

I had these issues in my relationship. Work all day - come home - work some more with little help and and critical, OCD, germaphobe RAH only sporadically helping out. So here is what I did.....

I stopped. I stopped cleaning, I stopped cooking. Guess what? RAH started cleaning, and cooking, and running errends, and stopped depending on me so much. Enabling the behavior is what I was doing.

I hope, that after turning over the new leaf, AH won't blame your rape anymore (do I need to say that I felt my blood pressure rise when I read that)? - has this happened since he came home from the funeral?
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:45 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I'm going to go against the trend. I don't think you have to choose a course of action and commit to it Liz. Continue to do your own work, continue to find your boundaries and hold them - be true to yourself, make choices that are right for you today - and if that is different tomorrow than so be it. Make a different choice tomorrow.

IMO, if you can't commit to either choice right now that is OK. Do not take any choice off the table. Just keep moving forward, doing the next right thing. It will not be easy but nothing is. It is true that making no choice at all is sometimes a choice of its own so work on not being afraid of the options in front of you so that you have the personal freedom to do what is in your best interest.

It is my experience that when I put my choice before the other stuff, I completely lost myself. That is what brought me to my bottom and here to SR. It obliterated clarity and created so much internal confusion. I chose to commit. I took all but one option off the table. I made my bed and I accepted it. I had sex when I did not want to because I chose to stay and that is the expectation in a marriage. I turned my head to all the things I did not like or want to see because I was choosing to stay. Everything got worse. I cried in the shower almost every day. I cried through sex. I hid in my own house. Resentment and bitterness swallowed me. My health suffered. My blood pressure went sky high. I had a host of physical reactions to the stress. I was depressed and flat and disappearing. My children suffered. Years of that - I just wasn't here at SR until I hit bottom. It was awful and so dark. That is where committing without doing the work first got me.

My ex was not a bad man. He didn't hurt me, cheat on me, yell at me, or even argue with me much. The question isn't so much about your ah and what he is doing or not doing - it is a lot about you, what you need, and how are you going to get that need met.

Sending you strength and wishes for a good week.
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Old 02-04-2013, 08:40 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Thank you Thumper. This is exactly what my sponsor says most times. She said she feels that I'm closer to leaving than I ever was before, but that I don't have to make any decisions right now and that it's OK to just stop and rest where I am.

I am still establishing what I need, and deciphering the difference between my wants and needs at the same time. I am getting closer to finding those answers the more I work my program.
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Old 02-04-2013, 11:37 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I spent about fifteen years trying not to blame myself for my sexual assault, while I had family who held me responsible for being raped as a tween and sexually abused by my son's father as a young adult. I stayed in these emotional struggles because I wanted them to hear me. I wanted them to know that I was just a kid, that I couldn't handle those situations, that I couldn't defend myself. I fantasized about getting the men that abused me to see how much it hurt, for them to feel shame and regret for how they treated me. I wanted my family to feel shame and regret for blaming me.

Someone said it here the other day. What I wanted more than anything was for the people that hurt me to heal me.

It just doesn't work that way.

I said something about this earlier in another of your threads. I had to figure out how to scoop up Little Florence and hold her and hold her and keep her safe. For a long time -- months -- every time I sat in my therapist's office and tried to imagine myself as a child, I would burst into tears. I haven't felt safe since I was very small. I'm learning this incrementally. What I find is that the more I am able to care for myself, to be conscious of my own needs, including the need for safety and security, the less I need the validation of others to live my life.

I'm no wiser than anyone else here, and I've made some marvelously colorful mistakes and missteps in my life. But I'm not to blame for being raped as a child, or being sexually exploited by my son's father, and I could not consent to pin my emotional well-being on someone who liked to blur that line and exploit the most painful pieces of my life if it meant getting his way.

YMMV.
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:55 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
I spent about fifteen years trying not to blame myself for my sexual assault, while I had family who held me responsible for being raped as a tween and sexually abused by my son's father as a young adult. I stayed in these emotional struggles because I wanted them to hear me. I wanted them to know that I was just a kid, that I couldn't handle those situations, that I couldn't defend myself. I fantasized about getting the men that abused me to see how much it hurt, for them to feel shame and regret for how they treated me. I wanted my family to feel shame and regret for blaming me.

Someone said it here the other day. What I wanted more than anything was for the people that hurt me to heal me.

It just doesn't work that way.

I said something about this earlier in another of your threads. I had to figure out how to scoop up Little Florence and hold her and hold her and keep her safe. For a long time -- months -- every time I sat in my therapist's office and tried to imagine myself as a child, I would burst into tears. I haven't felt safe since I was very small. I'm learning this incrementally. What I find is that the more I am able to care for myself, to be conscious of my own needs, including the need for safety and security, the less I need the validation of others to live my life.

I'm no wiser than anyone else here, and I've made some marvelously colorful mistakes and missteps in my life. But I'm not to blame for being raped as a child, or being sexually exploited by my son's father, and I could not consent to pin my emotional well-being on someone who liked to blur that line and exploit the most painful pieces of my life if it meant getting his way.

YMMV.
Florence, I forgot to respond to this yesterday. You are so right and that's what I'm trying to do these days. Taking care of the child in me and doing what my FOO never was able to do, they just didn't have the emotional capacity to care for me appropriately. It wasn't malicious, it just was what it was. I used to accept it all without batting an eye and then wonder why I was so miserable in my marriage, etc but now I know I still need to face the past, deal with the emotional fallout, so that I can move forward in peace and newfound strength. Thanks for sharing!
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